Depression

I can feel it again, the swirling feeling, like I'm sinking. I want to be numb because I don't want to feel.

Depression is an evil mistress. She lies and lies. She makes you think things that are completely untrue. She whispers these untruths in your ear softly, you barely hear then at first, but they get louder and louder and louder until it sounds like screaming, drowning out all of the good voices, pushing them down.

Depression is hard to fight. And she often brings along her good friend Anxiety. Anxiety is really no one's friend,  but he whispers half truths, and statistics, and makes everything so overwhelming until you can't even function.

Together they tag team you until you are a shell of a person. A ghost of your former self.

And it isn't this fault. It isn't your fault that these demons lie. Because it's a chemical imbalance in your brain. It isn't your fault. No one chooses to feel this way. No one wants those demons talking all that smack and manning them feel less than. 

And getting help, doing something to change that imbalance? Is OK. It's good for you. It's important.  Because people love you, when though the demons say they don't. Because people want you to be around, even when you hear whispers saying they don't.

You are important to someone. Your life is worth living.

Less Fear, More Joy

Maybe I have too much time with my own thoughts.
Too much time to think about things that I don't need to think about. To worry about things. To ponder every relationship I have.

Maybe I regret too much. I regret the crap place my relationship with my husband is in. Wondering how in the world we got here, and how to get out of this hole.

I'm terrified that we won't make it to the other side of this rut together. I'm scared that he thinks it's not worth it to wait for me, while I'm picking up pieces of myself because I've shattered all over the place, like a dropped wine glass.
He always seems to put together and I feel like a giant mess. I used to be a fun person, now I'm not. I have withered, into a bitter, sad person.
I still see the good in those around me, but the weight of the world is crushing me.
For so many years, I've been touched out and now I feel like I need more. More hand holding, more snuggles, I can't get enough simple hugs. My body aches for it, lonely feeling. Sad. Sad. Sad.
I don't like myself, unhappy, unlikeable, unable to get out of my funk. It's affecting my kids, because I don't want to leave the house, I make plans but break them. I try to be someone I'm not, fake it till you make it. Bull shit. I can't carry on like this.
Stupid depression.
Stupid anxiety .
Stupid sadness.
Stupid messed up mental health.

Not that I expect every day to be sunshine and roses, you know. I just want more days to feel happy, and less days that feel like my heart is pounding too fast, my brain is making up scary scenarios of doom and gloom. Less fear, more joy.

Gratitude

It has been harder this pregnancy to find gratitude, even in the little things. I am not sure why. But the weeks are flying by and I don't have much of a record of this one, my fourth, my last pregnancy/baby.

~This week I am grateful~

~to be 22 weeks along. I can feel the baby moving every day now. We still haven't found out if there is another sweet girl in there or not. I have scheduled an ultrasound for February 28th (10 days away) but I'm not sure if I will keep it. I want to know but if I do that one I will be alone when I find out (with Natalie who is my permanent sidekick.) I want to know who is in there, I want to name him/her. I want to buy some little blue or pink things and let my sister know because she wants to make stuff for baby #4. But I also don't know if I want to be alone when I find out.

~that I am coming out of that haze of depression that clouded me for weeks. It was hard to make it through one day let alone to look ahead and see that the sun would eventually come out from behind the clouds of doom. Things that last week or the week before felt like they were pressing on me have lifted. I am feeling human again. In part this is thanks to using an oil blend, I have felt so much better since placing it on my feet in the morning. It may be a placebo affect but maybe it really is helping.

~for a weekend without the big girls. I miss them but it has been nice to just have Will and Natalie around. Natalie goes to bed easily and takes decent naps. Plus I know the girls are having a great time in the snow. 

~for a big anniversary coming up and knowing that even though we won't really be celebrating it then we are going to be planning a nice trip, just the two of us (to celebrate our tenth year married and our fourth baby) in a month or so.

Feeling Crappy/Depressed

I'm in a funk. Instead of feeling happy, I feel like I am walking around in a fog. I wake up depressed, I go to bed depressed. I just can't get out of this. It is getting to a point where I should probably call the doctor about it.

I have struggled with depression on and off for as long as I can remember. I have written about it on here before. I don't lie about it.

I miss  my family. I miss my Phoenix friends.

Today I am going to get my hair cut and styled. I'm hopeful that making myself look better might help with how I feel.

I am 19 weeks pregnant. I don't look pregnant but I feel huge and uncomfortable. Because of last weekend's ER visit, I am supposed to be taking it easy and am on pelvic rest. This makes me feel pretty useless. Will and I are redoing our pantry/laundry room, and I have helped out a bit but every time I do I feel off. I feel dizzy, the cramping/contractions start. I haven't had any spotting from it, but I can tell when I've done too much.

I still don't feel the baby move very often. I have a low anterior placenta and I suspect mostly on the right side. Once in a while I feel that bubble popping feeling that is a baby thump. Sometimes I feel a full on baby flip, but mostly I feel nothing. And it makes me worry. I've never had this before. I've always felt the baby wiggling in there as soon as earthly possible. (I swear I felt Gwen at 12 weeks!) I think that this causes me a lot of silly worry.

Then there is the sex/gender of this little bubs. I know that I am still not even 20 weeks, and there is a very good chance we'll get another peek in there in a few weeks. I just thought I would know by now and that I could start getting to know this one, calling her/him by his/her name or at least really walking about names. I was sure that I would be feeling better, instead of worse.

I really need something... but what?

Disappointment

Yesterday morning, bright and early Will, my mom and I left the house. My dad stayed here to watch the kids and would meet us later at IHOP for brunch.

We arrived at the doctor's office, and waited for our ultrasound appointment. It was late as always, and I was really nervous feeling.

Friday night we'd been to the ER because of some uncomfortable cramping and a little bit of spotting. Everything looked perfect with the baby though and I was sent home and told to rest all weekend. Do you know how hard it is to rest when your husband is building things? Normally I help out but I had to sit and NOT do anything. Saturday we'd run some errands and by the late afternoon those uncomfortable cramps were back and regular again. I knew I needed to take it a little more easy on Sunday.

So Monday rolled around and we finally are taken back for the anatomy scan. Of course the tech asks if we want to know the gender, and I say "If we can we would" ugh words I would regret 10 minutes later.

She shows us the head and takes her measurements. Everything looks good, the baby's heart has for perfect chambers and is pumping blood exactly as it should. She moves down and looks at the baby's legs. We get a lovely picture of a fat little hobbit foot.

And then, she say "let's see what we have in there" and... nothing. Tight legs, and no moving. Nothing. She wiggles the wand, she shakes the baby, nothing.

She gives up and says "Since you are of 'advanced maternal age' (over 35) the doctor also needs to look, maybe she'll have better luck."

Nope.

No reveal.

Nothing.

The baby had his/her legs closed tightly and then moved her/his hands down over that part. So not even a second to peak. 

And as the tech told me we were all done I had to hold back tears. All weekend I had felt so much stress about this. But there was nothing. And I felt such a huge rush of sadness. I don't think anyone gets how badly I feel about it. I know Will doesn't. He just made his normal "well it is a girl we don't need to see that to know" jokes. But we're already having a rough weekend/week/month and that didn't help.

I still want to cry about it. I think I need to cry, maybe I'll feel better. I don't know. I just feel so overwhelmed by everything right now. And I don't know how to make it better.

I need a break before I break.

I feel like a tight bundle of bad feelings. I feel like I can't relax. I am sipping a nice cup of haute chocolate rooibos tea and trying to soothe my frazzled nerves.
Natalie is a stressful baby.
Here is something I posted in a Mommy Forum that I am in:
Natalie is a pretty fussy baby, well in comparison to my other 2 as babies.

The past week or maybe longer? she has been crying like crazy when she gets tired and needs to nap. She doesn't want to nurse, she doesn't want to be put down. She doesn't want to rock in the chair. Usually I put her in the wrap and stand up and sway until she passes out. Usually this only happens for her morning nap.
She had been fine for afternoon nap, but today it was even worse.

Mind you, she really only cried for 20 minutes or so, and I know some mamas have it waaaaay worse.

This afternoon she started fussing. I changed her diaper, and tried to nurse her. She latched on for 2 minutes. Then started arching her back and screaming. I stood up and she stopped. Over and over this happened. I finally put the wrap on and she was ok for 5 minutes then back to the crying.

I had to put her on the floor and walk away from her (around the corner) while she screamed the cry of a hurt baby. If my other 2 had cried like that I would have KNOWN there was something wrong, physically wrong, with them. It doesn't seem to be the case with her. After a couple of minutes she settled a little so I picked her up and nursed her and she finally fell asleep.

This is so hard to deal with. Especially since she isn't like this at night. And I have no idea what to do. I don't want to let her CIO (cry it out) because it kills me inside. Plus Dad works from home and I can't imagine that a crying baby is helpful when working.

So any suggestions? Plllleeeeasse.

It was suggested that she
a. is overtired
b. has gas or reflux
c. is teething

All I know is that I am exhausted from it. She is asleep right now. She cried, and we rocked and she cried while we rocked. But she finally gave in to her tiredness. I carefully put her in our bed and turned on the baby monitor and walked away. She's been asleep for about 2 hours now. But I feel so anxious that I keep running up to check that she is still breathing.

That is why I bedshare/cosleep. If I didn't I would be up all night checking on her. It was why I started cosleeping with Rhayn even though I swore I would never do that.

Then there is making dinner... and Rhayn has a friend over. (We're having a pasta bake.) And my grandma called and I talked to her for a while but that always gets me down. I feel terrible that we don't see her very often and she sounds so sad. Also its hot, the house feels like its looming on me and my skin feels too tight. Gwennie got mad and Rhayn and was yelling "I hate you!" in her face over and over. I had to deal with that.

And then, there is that big change I hinted about on Monday. I will write about it soon. Lets just say its causing me stress and anxiety. Because right now nothing is certain and I don't do well with that. I used to, but I am way to structured now. (I used to be easy breezy... a nice squiggly line and now I am not.)

I don't really feel depressed but I think I am dealing with post partum anxiety (hence the fear that my baby will stop breathing.) Most days I deal with it just fine, but today for some reason its way worse. I could really use an afternoon away. With Gwennie this was no biggie, she would be perfectly happy in a sling or wrap. She didn't care. Will told me I could pump and leave Natalie with him but that makes me feel anxious, too. She's never had a bottle (Gwennie didn't either). I am sure I would come home and she'd have been crying for a few hours and Will would be a mess (like I am). Plus its too damn hot. I don't want to go any where but I don't want to stay here. I wish we lived closer to a movie theater or a good restaurant. It would take about a half hour to get anywhere and then a few hours there and it ends up being way too long away from a baby (for me).

Or it would be nice to go on a date with my husband. The two of us and Natalie wouldn't be so bad.

Rhayn asked me why I am so angry. I listed off stupid reasons and then felt miserable because I think I am a bad mom.

Have I written this all before? It feels like it.

PPD, PPA, Motherwort and me

I've been reading my blog from December 2005 and January 2006, to see how I felt at this point post partum with Gwennie. It seems I suffered from post partum depression or baby blues a bit then. It was even bad enough that I called my midwife once about it. Last time I was mentioning that I felt depressed Will told me it was probably ppd, this time when I mention depression, he tells me that I feel depressed pretty regularly. Its strange how much different his responses are now. But we are also in a much better place in our relationship than we were then.

As I am great at internet-diagnosis, I think that I am dealing more with post-partum anxiety this time around. I would say its a 50/50 thing. Half of the time, I feel fine. I even have times/days that are great and I feel pretty darn good. But then the other days hit. Lately I've had some very rough days. But I feel like I am putting on a much better facade this time around.

Some days I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I don't want anyone touching me (besides Natalie). Rhayn gets in my face, well really she is trying to talk to Natalie, but she's too close to me. I take deep breaths and allow her to be there. While my insides are boiling. Gwennie is the same way.

But they don't know I feel that way. Nor does Will. I know it will pass. I know I am being crazy. Since its not affecting my daily life, its ok. Right? I keep feeling these same conflicting feelings. I want to be alone, I want to be around people. I want to be awake, I want to sleep. I want to yell, I was silence. I want the house perfectly clean, but I don't want to clean it and then I want to spend all of my time cleaning (obsessively). I want out of our house, but I want to stay here.

I don't feel afraid that I will hurt someone. But when Natalie was teeny tiny, there were a few nights that I felt like I could. I see crazy images in my head and I have unfounded fears. I worry too much.

My mental state is getting slowly better. I am taking Motherwort, which is the nastiest tasting tincture ever. (I have heard Valerian is nasty, but I much prefer its flavor over Motherwort.) It helps calm me. I don't know if it is a placebo or if it actually helps, maybe its like *Monster Spray and only works because I believe in it. But I will continue to choke down its nasty flavor until I feel better.

*Monster Spray is helping Gwennie to sleep in her own room. I gave her this and told her that monsters don't like lavender, as it scares them away. If she feels scared at night she just sprays that. The bottle was nearly empty so I filled it with water and shook it around to distribute the last little bit of lavender. But I love the idea of allowing her to make her own monster spray.

Summer Heat

Instead going to the movie on Friday like we usually do*, we went to the zoo.

We got there early enough that the heat was tolerable. Unfortunately I didn't sleep that well the night before so I was a little tired at the start of the day. It was good to get out of the house. When you stay in all of the time depression comes easily. We all need sun, its one of the best cures for depression. (15 minutes in the sun raises my spirits, but too much is a bad thing and you may end up with a sunburn on your back that matches the backpack straps you were wearing. Oh, wait, is that just me? I forgot to apply sunblock on my back, doh.)

Gwennie eating some kettlecorn, she is about to "get us"! Notice the squinty-eyed stare?

We first hit the Arizona trail to see the reptiles. It seemed like all of the animals had been fed recently, as there were little dead things in most of the cages. In the vulture/turkey exhibit there were dead fish on the ground. Dead mice and rats littered the owl and condor exhibit. The coati were out eating what looks like a ham bone. This gave us an up close look at the coati. I love the look of these guys. They fascinate me. After walking around and seeing many cool animals, we stopped at the new splash pad/water cave. Amy and I sat whilst the kids ran and played. That place is awesome for kids, but they didn't make enough seating for the adults. Also? Some woman in black stretchy pants bent over right in front of us, her enormous backside was in Amy's face, and you could see her black and white striped underpants. The squat is much better, and you never put your backside in others' faces, plus it is good exercise.

After a long while at the splash pad, a couple of the kids wanted to see the goats.We headed to Harmony Farms after which we headed out. This fan and mister was close to the elephants. Rhayn loved it, and was soaked through when she was done. It was all in all a great time at the zoo. We followed it up by a trip for lunch at Denny's, and a little shopping for Amy's kids. I found a shirt I absolutely loved the cut of for $15. I would have bought it if it had been a different color. It was lilac, pretty and it wasn't bad in me, but I would have liked a different color. I didn't need it anyway.


*Summer Movie Fun at Harkins $7 for 10 weeks of older movies. This week was Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs. I hate Ray Romano's voice. Its like nails on a chalkboard. Which is funny saying as most kids have no idea what that sound is since classrooms often have whiteboards instead of chalk, but I digress. Luckily for me, my good friend Amy came up with the great idea of going to the zoo.

Gratitude Monday

I am really struggling with finding things I am grateful for today. I shouldn't feel this way, but it feels like a ball of depression has wormed its way into my gut and is slowly growing. I spent my Mother's Day trying not to cry (I succeeded until about 7:30pm, when I totally lost it.)

Here goes, Today I am thankful for-

• Our new car, remember back when I wrote this post? We finally found a 2008 Mazda5 in our price range. Its color called Golden Sand Metallic- which is a sort of green/silver color.
  
• That my morning at the MVD wasn't horrible, the woman who helped me was pleasant and cheerful.
• Will, he tried to do everything he could to make me feel better yesterday, I wish he could have. I am so thankful for him and everything he does for me and our family.
  
• Rhayn gave me a packet of calendula seeds harvested at school. She is so sweet.
  
• Gwennie is such a snuggle bug. Her hugs often keep me going when I feel as badly as I do today.

Breaking Down.

I am having a really hard time getting over my depression. I took the girls shopping today (retail therapy anyone?) But it didn't help. The only thing I bought para me was Breaking Dawn. Alright, I totally forgot it was out. I felt totally out of the loop when my sister and my sister-in-law were going on and on about it. My sister saying she only had 150 pages left. My cousin was almost done. Amie had finished and posted about it. (I did not read your post, I am that strong. But I really wanted to.)

Have you ever felt like you are totally outside of the joke? I felt that way when the commercials with the guys saying "Wassup!" I didn't (and still don't) get it. Why is that funny? Why did everyone walk around saying "WASSUP!" to each other for months afterwards? WHY!?

Back to buying the book. I waited patiently through lunch and driving home to crack the book open. I set the girls up with a movie and some snacks and holed myself up in my room. I made it to page 300 by dinner time. Then I hurried downstairs, heated up last night's reruns (tasty pasta dish) and stuffed my face fast. I let the girls watch a second movie (Gwennie chose "Terkules" Rhayn had chosen Spiderwick earlier.) And by 7pm I had made it to page 511. I pause there, still aching to get back into the story. A little weirded out by the turns it has taken. A little mad because (*SPOILER*) Bella is a vampire now and didn't end up with Jacob like I wanted. But I am still engrossed like the others. And like the 7th Harry Potter book, I am probably going to drag out the last few pages. If its the end of the series then I really do not want it to end. But I do want to know how it ends. Does that make any sense at all?

I know that when the book is over, I will be depressed. Like I am at the end of any good series, only right now, I don't need more sadness.

Whenever Will is gone, I deal by ignoring that he isn't here. But really, I am aching inside, lonely, and overwhelmed by all of the things I have to deal with alone.

Last week, when the truck had its problem and I had to call a tow truck, was hard. I had to be the parent, I had to be the grown up. My Dad was there to help me, he was around to stand by me. But ultimately, it was me who was on the phone with the insurance company. It was me who talked to the mechanic and the tow truck driver. It was me who felt like everything was coming unglued while I tried my hardest to hold it all together for my girls.

I know that the next year is going to be hard. I can not even fathom how hard, though. These little things, little reminders that I will be, basically, a single parent, freak me out. I feel panicked and anxious. I want to run away from it all. I want to crawl into my teenage-bedroom and let my parents worry for me.

Instead, I will step up to the plate. I will because I have to. I am not a kid anymore. I have to take responsibility for my children, my house, my family, my pets. I shall allow myself to feel, because I want the girls to know how much I miss him. But I will try to carefully talk to them about it. I will do things for me to help me deal with the fear, the panic, the anxiety.

I will let others in, because if I hold all of this in, I will lose myself.

I am feeling scared, sad and alone right now. I spoke to Will on the phone this evening, and he sounded so far away. He isn't right now, but it was like a simulation for how it will be when he is there. I remember the way that Ender sounded when I talked to him, so far away, practically in another galaxy. But all I want right now is for Will to be here, in my bed, so that he can hold me. Or at least so I can touch him and feel safe. I am sure that a lot of this is because I started my moon time today. I always feel my emotions more around this time of my cycle. During the rest of the month, I can push the feelings deep down, hide them under layers of well managed control. Right now? Its all on the surface, and for the time, I am letting it seep out.

I finally made a wordle, Amie was right- so addicting. I loved playing with the colors!

I am neither snarky nor cool

Sometimes I wonder if I have a little big of agoraphobia or some other people phobia. Online, with my anonymity fairly well taken care of I don't feel panicky. But when I think about meeting people, especially those I converse with online, my heart palpitates and I feel anxious. I was looking at pictures from a meet up from one of the Mommy social networking sites that I sometimes go to and I was thinking that everyone looked so happy.

But then? I imagined myself in that situation. I imagined all of these women that I chat with online actually meeting me. And I started to feel overwhelmed by that. I know that I am not funny and have never claimed to be snarky (although I adore that word and want to say it over and over). I can sometimes write a silly story on here but I am not good at telling stories in real life. And I read blogs, lots of them. And some of those women are hilarious. The way these women describe mundane daily happenings makes me feel inadequate to the extreme.

Why should I worry about this? The likelihood that I will ever attend a BlogHer conference and meet my writing heroes is slim to nil. I think I would pee my pants if I was in the same room as someone like Dooce, or this person.

My aerobics (?) instructor thinks I should be her co-teacher and teach when she can't be there. In the middle of class on Monday this seemed like it might possibly be doable. There are only usually 4 people in there, and I am one of them. I would just need to memorize a routine and then be able to talk in the front of the class and move at the same time. But once I left, and was driving away, the thought of teaching the class made me want to hide in a dark little hidey hole and never come out. I was driving the next day, and a song came on the radio, a song with a good working out kind of beat. The instructor said that a good way to get started would be to make a disc of songs that have a good beat. Well, this song is playing on the radio and I am grooving, because in my car I dance a lot, and suddenly I was struck by a feeling of impending doom. Seriously, like if I was the one in charge of the class the world would end.

In my life, whenever I have been given responsibility I run. I have done it at two separate jobs. Both times I had a decent reason for leaving, once it was moving state. I loved my job, but was made assistant manager and actually did that for a few weeks before it overwhelmed me. The second time I left a job, they were only talking about making me assistant manager. And I also had a miscarriage, so I quit to move home with my mommy. It was only as I was writing this that I realized that it really is a problem for me.

I can't stand to be in charge. I know it bothers Will. He can't understand how I could feel that way. For him its easy. He exudes confidence and always has, I exude self loathing and fear. He is a born leader, people look up to him being an officer in the Army just fits him. I feel like a failure and want to hide. I don't want people looking up to me. It is scary enough to know that I already have two children who will undoubtedly look up to me and I need to at least be a person they can look up to.

(Why the picture of a Golden Columbine, you may ask? Well this post was so damned depressing to me, that it needed something pretty and light. And I love that picture.)

Really Rarely

I have so much going on in my head. I feel like I can hardly calm down even enough to sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night, my mind reeling with thoughts. But none of it really matters, it is just an overactive mind. I think it is simply that if I stop, even for a moment, I will feel lonely and sad. I miss Will, I miss having a partner, a friend, even an enemy if that is how we feel about each other that moment. I look around this house, and it feels empty. There is something missing, a sound, a smell. Something just doesn't feel right. But I know that I will get used to this over the next year.

I will become accustomed to not having a man around. I will grow used to this lonely feeling and it will ease up a bit, maybe. We are a house of girls right now. A mama, two daughters, a female dog, and two female cats. That is a whole lot of girl. I miss the odor of man.

Once again, I am in a funk. I don't want to be home, and I don't want to go out. I want the house to be clean but I don't want to raise my butt from this chair in order to clean it. If anyone offers a playdate, or any reason to not be here, I pounce like a cat on a mouse. I should just make myself slow down. Because I need to. My head is stuffy, and one of my ears hurts a little. It has for a few days but I don't want to be, I can't be sick. I can't stop. I can't rest. Rest is for the weak.

Monday I was able to talk to Will, but only briefly because Gwennie was sick. She kept screaming and told me "I gonna puuuke." Her screaming made it impossible to talk on the phone. It made it impossible to think at all. And shortly after we hung up, she did puke. A. Lot. For hours she threw up. She would ask for a drink and suck once or twice on the cup then BLECH! Out it went. She nursed for a second and BLECH! All over me. When I thought she had stopped I called Will back. But minutes into our conversation Gwennie was screaming and following me around. She puked again and we had to get off of the phone.

I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like there was no way I would ever be able to make it through the next year. In a way I blamed Will, but that was a ridiculous thing to think, and I quickly got over it (almost as quickly as it was in my head it was out.) Luckily these girls are rarely sick. They come down with the occasional cold or stomach bug, but never as bad as what my poor sister just went through. I mean (knock on a big log) they have never really even had an ear infection. Neither of them. Its amazing. I look at people whose kids are sick all of the time, and it seems like mine are. But really? They aren't. They are really rarely ill. (Say that five times fast. Hard, huh?)

Tuesday night I called Will again. Just to talk for a moment, because the night before I hadn't really gotten to talk to him. It was so pleasant to sit on the couch and watch the girls play outside while I knew he was just there, on the other end of the phone. I didn't really have anything to say. And I felt stupid when I was talking to him. I felt like the things I want to tell him, all of the silly little things going on at our house, are dumb. And he doesn't want to hear them. But I should know that isn't true. He cares deeply for us, and wants to know about the silly things. He loves to talk to the girls on the phone. It is asinine to think this way. But I can't help it.

Dread

If it seems like lately I have had nothing positive to, well its because my husband and I are fighting. We aren't acting "coupley" or even really talking much. If we do talk its like acquaintances, and not spouses. He was sleeping in the guest room, but is now on the couch. It is not pleasant at my house, and honestly I don't want to be here. I have been avoiding posting about this, too. Because bringing it all up sounds awful, and writing about it makes it even more real and painful.

Today I woke up feeling happy, singing, making silly jokes, even Rhayn asked me why I was being so silly. I felt pretty good. This morning. Then it came time for the morning goodbyes. You know, when Daddy tells the girls "have a good day I love you." He used to give me a hug and kiss, too. Now I am getting the cold shoulder. He has been walking around the island in the kitchen to avoid me. This morning, I stopped him and made him give me a quick hug. It felt forced, and wrong. I wanted him to hold me like he wanted to, to let me melt into him and allow me to release some of this awful tension I feel in my body. Instead it made me feel worse, more tense, more dread, more pain.

He and I need to talk, its gone past "should" to desperately NEED to talk. But I am not even sure how to confront him about this. I don't know what to say or how to say what I feel. And I am so afraid of what he will say back to me.

In two days it is my birthday and Thanksgiving, you know that makes all of this worse. We will have my family over, and we'll fake liking each other. But really he will be hating me, and I am hurting, and it will suck. "Happy F@#$ing birthday Leaner, here is a nice gift of my dislike." I wish I felt numb about it, because that would be better than this hurt.

I was at Target this morning and I saw some happy couple, he had his hand on the small of her back and she glances up at him with adoration. I remember the way that felt, when Will used to touch me, and we would go to the grocery store as a family and he put his hand on the small of my back, he stopped doing that a long time ago, he stopped holding my hand, touching me in public. I remember how that felt, though. Back when we made time for each other, before his life was so busy that I didn't fit in at all. Back before the Army. Before our second child. Before I started being so afraid I was going to lose him because of the Army. Before I knew he would be gone (for sure) for six months this spring.

I just don't know what to do about any of it. It is neither of our fault completely, and yet it is both of our fault. Months ago we talked about this, we talked about how we need to make time for each other, we need to talk. We needed to do things together, plan dates, find hobbies we both want to do. But we haven't even followed our own advice. And here we are, at a breaking point.

My friend's wedding was lovely. The wedding part was short and sweet. They wrote their own vows and that made it more special.
The food was delicious. The view spectacular.

My kids were holy terrors. I am so glad I brought my converse along so that I could run after them. I mean its not like they could have gotten far, as we were on the rooftop of a building (with glass barriers to the eight story fall. I did well, and not once did I get that severe height anxiety/panic attack that I usually get on tall buildings. So be impressed there.)

The wait between the service and the food was too long for kids. Perfect for adults with no children, to enjoy an open bar. We had a few Shirley Temples n order to pass the time.

Between the salad and entree Gwen had a meltdown, a serious, screaming, yelling, doing that thing where the two-year old becomes a board and then bends their back. By the time they brought us food, she had calmed down a little. However they ran out of children's plates, and she didn't get a plate of fries and chicken fingers. Rhayn shared with her, while they made her a plate. I was assured it would only take "about seven minutes." And I kept my cool by breathng deeply while telling the waitress "Thank you." I really wanted to scream at her because my child was freaking out, and hungry and it is not like it wasn't obvious that she was upset. I was also at the table of the parents of both bride and groom, those who paid for the wedding. It wasn't anyone in particulars fault.

After eating their fries with ketchup, Gwen gets up and runs off. I hadn't yet eaten the delicious little medallion of beef on my plate. So I tell Rhayn to keep her from running in to the elevator while I eat. When I was done we made a restroom run, and felt quite a bit better.

Back at out table, there was a plate of chicken and fries. They asked me if I wanted it boxed up to take home (YES!) The girls started dancing and playing with the bride's sister's four year old daughter.

Finally they cut the cake and we had a few slices. Rhayn ate a layer of hers then told me she was done. She looke so tired. Gwen at as much of the whipped cream frosting as she could. Then we made a graceful exit.

In the car Gwen said, "We ate cake" before falling asleep. It was a long drive home, to a neglected dog. (Poor thing missed dinner.) But we were all in bed by ten.

I have no pictures of myself last night that show my outfit or my hair (which I spent quite a long time and hairspray) in some lame victory rolls. Rhayn told me it looked good, and I do think it looked cute, I want to get this hairstyle down. My hair is a little short and I do not have the sponges I would need for serious rolls, like in this video. I think I will have to stop in to Sally's Beauty Supply and pick some of them up. I adore that look, and I feel like I have a sort of "classic beauty" and could pull them off.

I ended up untucked, because of the sitting standing factor. That satiny shirt would not stay tucked for anything.

I really wish my husband was around more. I wish we were at functions as a family more often, instead of me having to explain, yet again, to another person, why he isn't there. It might be easier if I was a single mom, in that aspect. "Oh he is just an absent father." But he isn't, he very involved in our lives, he is great, but just busy. I think this is a preparation for that day he runs for governor of this state, or congress. I know he will be in politics, and I will have to support him. (Oh, and don't forget that in about a year he will be deployed to the war zone.)

A Pleasant Moment

It was handwork-group day. As lately I haven't been feeling inspired or anything, I only went for the companionship. I thought it would be nice to sit on the chair and listen to the other mamas talk about life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

My good friend J has been gone a few weeks after having her nearly 12 pound son (ouch!) I have missed her immensely. I think about her often. She makes me happy and although I could have called her at any time, I remember how much I did not want to sit on the phone after Gwen was born. Plus I figured that everyone else was calling her. I woke up a few days ago missing her terribly.

She came to handwork today, and it was such a blessing. I have been feeling so unlike myself lately, and she really makes me feel better. I adore her, and her sweet kids. She is so the opposite of me in every way, but we get along so well.

I just really needed her, and luckily, my begging her husband to tell her that I needed her to come, worked! Yeah! Now I really just need to MAKE myself get over this funk. Or at least figure out what is wrong so that I can make myself feel better. I did listen to someone else who was describing feeling EXACTLY the same as I do, so it must be like a planetary shift of some other cosmic shift.

More Tragedy

A really good friend of Rock's shot himself today. He was the guy who gave us Lily Lou Lickington. I feel a numbness, because I didn't know him very well, but he seemed like such a together person. He had issues, but who doesn't? Why would you kill yourself? What would make life so bad that you can not go on with it?

I just feel so fortunate that -
a) I love my life. I can not fathom ending it, even when I am totally depressed.
b) The people I have been friends with have not be suicidal. I have been lucky to have friends who were quite happy, and saw the brighter side of life, not matter what. I know that since Will and I have been together this is the second of their friends who has been shot, and probably the second suicide (although the first looks like it may have been murder.)
c) My husband is stable, he loves us and would never do anything like this to those who love him.

Geesh- and although this isn't depressing like death, I just (like as I was typing this) got a call from my cousin who said he is moving to Oregon/Washington. Grrr... in like two weeks. I am so sad about that. Sigh. I am really going to miss him, I hope he has a great life up there, with our cousin Alex's Human. (**Really moving to Washington, he mentioned Portland when we were on the phone, and never having been to those states, sadly, they are hard to distinguish for me.)

I swear that I have some good, happy posts in me. I have been so busy lately that I have been seriously neglecting my blog. Hopefully I will get some time this weekend to write. I need it. It is therapeutic to me.

You might want to skip this one, or get tissues.

It has been two days now, and I still just feel sad. I know he was "just a cat" but he was MY cat, and I loved that little furball. However he was the most charismatic cat we had ever met. People came to our house, and he would meet and greet them. He entertained us, and played with our dog. I just can not imagine how our life will be without him .

I am at my parents house, it usually cheers me up. It just doesn't seem to be working at all. I look at myself in the mirror and I can SEE the sadness in my eyes. I am glad not to be home, not seeing all of the spots that used to hold my sweet black and white kitty.

There are places, like the pillow above my head that he used to always sleep, that will always remind me of him. He had been so sick that for weeks that he hadn't been sleeping there. But that night, Thursday night, he was there, curled in a ball, on my pillow, not purring like he used to, but he was there. And for the last night I fell asleep stroking his fur. In the morning I woke to touch his cold foot. For a moment I thought maybe he had passed in the night, but his head popped up and a feeble mew escaped his mouth.

Would it have been easier if he had died in the night? I think so, because it would not have been our decision to end his life. Not that choosing to put him down was easy, but it wasn't the hardest choice to make. I saw the x-ray. I saw how much foreign stuff was in him, and how his trachea was pushed up to his spine and crowded by the fluid and growths that filled his chest. I knew the second the vet brought the first x-ray out, the "normal pet" x-ray to show me what it SHOULD look like, that I would hear nothing good at that time.

This death made me think of my Grandma, and how someday, she will cease to be there. Someday she will not be a phone call or car ride away. It made me wonder if I am using my time with her as wisely as I should. Did I appreciate my cat as much as I could. I think so. We called him "the best kitty ever" and told everyone how great he was, until I am sure that they were sick to death of hearing about him. Yet, do I appreciate my Grandma as much as I did Beckham? I don't think I really do.

The Reality of War and Family

This weekend was spent at a nice resort; listening to the Army National Guard folks discuss the Family Readiness Groups (FRG.) We arrived late Friday night, too late to really see what the area looked like. Saturday morning we headed to breakfast at Army time.

The girls had places to be, Rhayn attending the Youth Symposium and Gwen attending her first day of day care, EVER. Let me tell you that it was stressful for me. She hardly noticed that I wasn’t there the first day. When we dropped her off after lunch she walked over to her blanket and I was able to slip out easily. When I came back to pick her up, she was asleep on one of the ladies, who said she cried for her mama and finally wore herself out. The second day, she cried, screamed, fussed. I left, and let Will deal with telling her goodbye. When I picked her up, she help my hand a lot tighter then she had the day before.

Rhayn had an awesome time, they learned how to deal with stress with laughter, and the teenagers started a Laughter Club. There was discussion on how it wasn’t really “childcare” for the older kids. They were learning life lessons. She enjoyed it immensely.

We learned about all of the resources available to the Guardsmen and their families, before, during and after deployment. It was quite informative and I wish all soldier’s wives (and husbands) could hear the information I heard. Most of the people there were the FRG leaders and Commanders. I am not exactly sure why we went, I think Will’s commander wasn’t able to attend and thus sent someone in his place.

Aside from the good information that I learned this weekend, I was struck by the reality of war, the reality that my husband will be deployed. We will be forced to deal with his departed and vacancy but more difficult- his return. The women that were there spoke of difficulty reintegrating into a family unit, depression, PTSD, and many other issues. These were things I had not thought of. Our soldier husbands (and wives in some cases) leave and are forced to deal with things NO ONE should have to deal with, and then they return to a family who has no idea, a world that will not understand, and a life that seems surreal to them.

How do you pick up those pieces and put them back together?
How does the family become a functional unit again?
How do the husband and wife relearn communicate and work together after so much time apart?

I am scared nearly to tears about all of it. I spent most of this morning holding back so many emotions that I could not let go in front of those people. Every time they spoke of deployment I felt my heart fall, and my eyes water.

There was discussion about fathers coming home and how to reconnect with children who are scared of you, and afraid that you will just leave again. It was heart wrenching to imagine that my children will go through that. They will have to deal with not seeing and touching their dada, we’ll be able to talk to him, but not see him. He will miss birthdays, Christmas, milestones.

In a few months, he is supposed to go away for six months to a training class. It will be like a drill for deployment, although there will be parts that are not as hard, like he won’t be half a world away, just on the other side of the country. He won’t be in a war zone, and we will get to visit him once or twice. Still… he won’t be here. He won’t be able to just come home and watch the girls so that I can go out at night. But he will be safe.

How will I feel when he truly deploys? How will the girls feel? Will the FRG be a good resource for me? Will I need them, because none of my friends will be in the same situation? Even though they may empathize with me, they will never sympathize. I am glad for that. Deployment is something I wouldn’t wish even on my enemies’ family. (not saying I have enemies, I really can’t think of anyone I would put in that category, just, if I did, I would not wish this on them.)

As the sister of a deployed soldier, who is on his second tour, I have felt some of it already. I have seen changes in him, even though he is still Ender, he is different. He has seen and heard and felt so much, he will never be the naïve young man who left for his mission before Rhayn was born. I fear for his life whenever we watch the news and they say “Four soldiers killed in Iraq.” I get teary eyed when I hear that it was near Baghdad, I know that he is somewhere there. Those soldiers that died, they were someone’s child, brother, sister, wife, husband, parent, did my brother know them? Did he spend time with that person, and how does that death affect him? There are so many thoughts that run through my mind all of the time. There are so many things that I worry about. I don’t know how I will handle this, when it is my husband, the man I love and want to spend forever with, on the line.

I am so afraid, this war, this seemingly pointless war is killing off good men and women. Children will never know parents and all for what? I wish I saw some reason for it. I wish I knew the answer. What will we tell our girls when Daddy has to leave? At least it won’t be for a little while longer, but it will happen. It. Will. Happen. And I will be left to pick up pieces of a broken puzzle.

disconnected again

I need a break. Seriously I need a vacation, if only to be able to finish reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in peace. There is sits, inches away from me, and I swear the moment I pick it up, some one will need me. Last night I read up to chapter 9, whoo hoo. Not that I am in a huge hurry to find out who dies, but still... Will is listening to it on audio book, and occasionally I will hear Jim Dale talking loudly from his office. I try not to listen.

I am still in my funk. I think it is affecting my whole being. I can not wait for Yoga to start (August 20th) because I know how much better I will feel when I have just those few hours to center myself and to myself.

I feel like Will doesn't like me at all. We are so disconnected right now. We haven't sat down and spoken to each other much since he came back from DC, he talks to Rock about WOW all the time, and about the war in Iraq. I feel invisible to him. Then he comes up behind me and feels me up, haha. Like I really want him touching me when we are on totally different pages in our books (literally- he is most of the way through Harry Potter 7!) He and I need to spend some time reconnecting, in every way. We need to have some time without the kids, we need to talk, we need to be intimate. I can not make myself feel "in the mood." I know that this "disconnection" happens and usually it isn't this bad nor does it usually last this long. It has been weeks. It has been that long because of his job and all that he has been doing, and because of my watching Care-bear, and our homework. It has been so long because of WOW, too.

I guess I really need to talk to him about it. More than anything that would be the best course of action. So why am I so afraid? Because it usually leads to a disagreement. And then he'll lock himself in his office and I will get even less of what I really need- ME time.