In life we have choices every day. When you are pregnant you have a huge one. To find out or not.
When I was pregnant with Gwennie I did not want to find out. However I am weak, very weak. I had been strong up to the point of the ultrasound as Will and I were there, watching a baby move around in me. The ultrasound tech hovered the wand just an inch from the spot and said "Do you want to know? It would just take a second."
I caved, I knew how much Will wanted to know.
"Its a GIRL!" and I was so happy, a sister for Rhayn. I was also disappointed because Will was so sure she was a boy that I had convinced myself that there was a boy in there.
This time, from even before the second line appeared on the test, I knew I wanted to be surprised. While there is no good reason to wait, there is really no good reason to find out (for me). I think it might help me to bond with the baby, but every day when I feel a little poke or prod from the inside (which I am feeling right now!) I feel closer to this little soul growing within me. I would love to know, if only so that I wouldn't have to come up with names for both sexes. (I have a few nice boy names, but girl names elude me.) It would be nice to know what style of baby clothes to start hoarding. But really none of that matters.
It all boils down to- I want the surprise. I want to push the baby out and feel that rush of overwhelming love while Will looks down and says, "Its a ..." I want that moment. I am also a little afraid that if the baby is a girl I will be disappointed. I feel like in that special moment, I won't are as much, but if it were during and ultrasound I would be devastated. I know, its silly. I want this baby, no matter the sex, I want a healthy baby... really that is all. But I really want to have a son. I look at little boys with envy, I see their cute little polo shirts and khaki shorts and I want a baby to dress that way. I want snips and snails and puppy dog tails. No more sugar and spice and everything nice.
I can't deny that desire to have a son. I won't deny it. I know this is our last baby, a point I am glad for when I am hovered over the toilet or staring at the texture on the wall near the toilet making out shapes like a Rorschach test of doom. (There is a clown-like face that seems to laugh at me as I heave over and over.) I look forward to the next part of life, much like what we do now, soccer games and homework. There is a small part of me that freaks out then I think of this baby-to-be and how much it will change everything in our lives. Gwennie, who has been my baby for almost 5 years now, who still cuddles with me at night, holding my hair and hand gently, will be a middle child. Have I doomed her to some fate I don't know yet? What about Rhayn? She already has things she can't do (like watch Goonies) because "Gwennie is too little, it will scare her." We'll add another 5 or more years of that, she will be a teenager...
Gasp... A teenager... when this baby enters kindergarten. Sure, its the space between Dacheese and I, adding about 6 months, so I know that Rhayn and the baby will have a special bond, it will just be different. (A bond intensified by Rhayn's desire to be at the birth and to cut the cord. I hope she gets to be there I feel it is important.)
I digress, also not sure where I was headed... oh yes my desire to be on "Team Green" the not finding out crew...
There are very few times in life when we get to be surprised. This is the best one, sure its a surprise at the ultrasound. I know that, but its like peeking in a Christmas present. I hate that. I could wait until a week after Christmas to open a gift, because not knowing is rather exciting in its own special way.
And I am excited to unwrap this gift in March.