Whenever Will is gone, I deal by ignoring that he isn't here. But really, I am aching inside, lonely, and overwhelmed by all of the things I have to deal with alone.

Last week, when the truck had its problem and I had to call a tow truck, was hard. I had to be the parent, I had to be the grown up. My Dad was there to help me, he was around to stand by me. But ultimately, it was me who was on the phone with the insurance company. It was me who talked to the mechanic and the tow truck driver. It was me who felt like everything was coming unglued while I tried my hardest to hold it all together for my girls.

I know that the next year is going to be hard. I can not even fathom how hard, though. These little things, little reminders that I will be, basically, a single parent, freak me out. I feel panicked and anxious. I want to run away from it all. I want to crawl into my teenage-bedroom and let my parents worry for me.

Instead, I will step up to the plate. I will because I have to. I am not a kid anymore. I have to take responsibility for my children, my house, my family, my pets. I shall allow myself to feel, because I want the girls to know how much I miss him. But I will try to carefully talk to them about it. I will do things for me to help me deal with the fear, the panic, the anxiety.

I will let others in, because if I hold all of this in, I will lose myself.

I am feeling scared, sad and alone right now. I spoke to Will on the phone this evening, and he sounded so far away. He isn't right now, but it was like a simulation for how it will be when he is there. I remember the way that Ender sounded when I talked to him, so far away, practically in another galaxy. But all I want right now is for Will to be here, in my bed, so that he can hold me. Or at least so I can touch him and feel safe. I am sure that a lot of this is because I started my moon time today. I always feel my emotions more around this time of my cycle. During the rest of the month, I can push the feelings deep down, hide them under layers of well managed control. Right now? Its all on the surface, and for the time, I am letting it seep out.

I finally made a wordle, Amie was right- so addicting. I loved playing with the colors!


Mo said...

I always feel like I am so independent but I know really that I depend on my hubby for a lot of things that he does, and that I just take for granted.

I really feel for you Leaner, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and your lovely girls, especially with your husband being deployed.

Thinking about you lots! x

HomeSlice said...

i don't know how you do it, but you can lean on your real life friends - AND your bloggy friends. Anything that helps you pass the time and feel less alone is a good thing in my book.

Amie said...

how did you do the different sizes on your wordle? how long is will gone for this time?

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