Happy Birthday to me!

Today is my birthday, my 35th birthday.

This morning I slept in, and got up at 7:30. Then had a slow leisurely morning (the whole day actually was like that, nice and calm).

 The girls and I decorated the tree. I had set it up yesterday. We didn't have turkey, Will smoked a brisket and I made green bean casserole. (*I also threw both of them up.)

 After dinner I opened my presents. I received a turtle necklace from Gwennie, nice pair of slippers from Rhayn, a beautiful painting of quail (from Rhayn to the whole family I'll post a picture of that later, it is so cool), a pair of Fatbaby boots that I've had my eye on for a while, a nice purple track jacket, a fuzzy robe, and an ornament that Gwen made.

 It was an excellent birthday. Really the only thing that could have made it better would be- not *puking and having our friends over. I miss my friends.

 But I got to spend the day with this guy and that was good, he did so much today to make my day special.

 We finished off the day eating this cake that Rhayn made and watching The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus (best claymation movie, if you've never seen it, please do, or at least read the book, it is written by L. Frank Baum.) Now I am going to go to bed and hope for sweet dreams and no puking*.

*I've only puked twice yesterday and once today. I hadn't puked up until then. I'm 9 weeks 5 days today. So the pukies should be getting better, not worse.

Starting on a Path

I've paid my dues and become a "member" of the La Leche League. I've put my name in to become a leader, too. Now to read a whole bunch of books about breastfeeding, starting with "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding"

I am excited to start on this journey but also terrified. I have never thought of myself as a leader of anything. But this is something I want to do. It is a way to start towards my goal of becoming a lactation consultant at some point. I just need to do it.

Letter to my girls- on Love

To my daughters,

Right now you are 11, 6 and 1 and I am 34. But I still remember what it was like to be 15 and have so much of the future uncertain and exciting in front of you. I remember that first love and the heart break it brought me.

I want you all to know that falling in and out of love as a teenager is normal. No matter what the books tell you, most of us didn't fall in love for the first time at 16 and stay in love with that person forever. It does happen sometimes, ask your grandma, she was one of those rare ones.

For you, my hope is that you fall in love many times. That your heart is broken more than once. No, not because I wish you pain, but because it will make you stronger. Through these relationships don't lose yourself, okay, maybe it is alright to lose yourself a little, because I know you will. But when your heart is broken and you feel like you can't go on, you can come to me you can wallow in in, and find yourself again. I will be there for you.

Eventually you will find someone worthy of you and your love. Perhaps you will find this person early in your life, perhaps you will be 30 when it happens. But it will happen and when it does, even if this person isn't someone I would chose for you, I want you to be happy.

I will try my hardest to support you through this. As long as you stay true to yourself and don't completely change yourself to be the right one for the other person. A little change is normal, we all change. We all grow. Hopefully you will grow with your partner.

Right now your dad and I have been married for 9 1/2 years, I hope that as you go through your teenage years we are still going strong as a couple. We've had our ups and downs. Life, love and marriage are in no way easy. At this moment I feel like our marriage is strong, based in love and trust and pure enjoyment of being around one another. But sometimes marriage is more like being a roommate with someone you once couldn't be apart from. Working through those hard time together is how you come out the other side stronger. There have been times when I have wanted to walk away from this marriage and start over. I knew that I would always regret it if I didn't give this family my all. And I have through hard times, through deployments and living in separate places. I've struggled because I missed him, I've struggled because I needed a break. In the end it has all been worth it.

Right now, I look forward to our future with eyes brightly filled with hope. We aren't sure what the next few years will bring. But we are sure that this family unit will survive it and come out of the other side as one.

My dear daughters, you are all unique. I hope you hold to that, hold on to yourself even if your friends don't see you as special, you are. You always are. You my dear girls are so important to me and your dad. We love you,
always.

Worry. I hate to worry.

I feel sick to my stomach when I don't hear from him. My mind comes up with a million horrific scenarios, things that may have happened to him. I am sure he is just fine and in less than 2 weeks we'll have him home with us. I have to remind myself that when he goes on a mission, he becomes the mission. It is something that I do love about him. But I also know that he wouldn't necessarily let me know if something was wrong. He didn't let me know when he got so very sick while he was deployed in 2008/9. I just knew I hadn't heard from him in weeks and the longer that went on, the more worried I was. This feels like that. We only have 12 more days. But they seem to be stretching on and on. I obsessively check my email, I mean really it is after 10, and I needed to just hop on one last time to see if he emailed me. And I feel so alone in this. I can't talk to my kids about it, I need to put on a brave face, and say "Yes girls, Daddy is fine, he loves you and will be home soon." While inside I am imagining terrible things, my brain going all night, I'm not sleeping. This weekend was a welcome distraction, my parents here, the cold weather blowing through, and my friend, A, stopping by. I miss having them to talk to.

And ok, it hasn't even been 6 days since I last heard from him. But this entire trip he's been distant. And I had just gotten used to him being HERE again. We'd just become US again it felt like. And back to the beginning. Back back back. Knitting isn't keeping my stupid fears away. Nothing is, even while driving around my thoughts were on him. Always on him.

It hit me last night, around 8:30, as Natty drifted off to sleep. A panicky feeling filled me and I wasn't fully able to breath. I was terrified that I was going to die in the night, my kids would be momless, my husband would have to deal with a nursing baby whose mother was gone. The kitchen would never be finished. Rhaynnon would take on the "mom" role because it is in her personality. And there was nothing I could do about it. I was going to die in my sleep.

So I couldn't sleep. I ended up watching far too much Star Trek TNG and getting up every little while to check on my kids to see if maybe it wasn't ME but possibly them that would die.

It overwhelmed me, this feeling of imminent demise. I tried to breath slowly, and deeply, trying everything in my arsenal to calm myself. I dozed a little, but would pop awake filled with a fear I couldn't describe fully.

Eventually I fell asleep, but it was nearly 2am and this has left me exhausted today. That feeling of doom is gone, thankfully. In its place is pure exhaustion.

I asked some friends about this feeling and it was suggested that it may be my body dealing with all of the stress I have been under lately. Moving was/is difficult. I still haven't had time to make friends, though I am going to the library at story time to at least be out and around others. We are redoing our kitchen and honestly our house is a mess that I cannot even begin to tackle until the kitchen is finished. Laundry seems to pile up more quickly here. I have to wash dishes by hand (or Rhayn does) every night because we have no dishwasher until the kitchen is done.

We still haven't fallen into a good routine. There are far too many things to get done each day.

And I really miss my friends in Phoenix. I haven't cried about it. Not really. I need to, but I can't seem to let it out. That long hard cry would be good for me, but I am afraid if I start- it won't end.

So I continue on. I do like it here, I love to look out our windows and see the birds, the javelina, and the bobcat that Rhayn and I saw yesterday.And eventually I will feel better. I have to believe that, it has to be true.

Wednesday night I didn't get much sleep. My mind was on overdrive because we are moving, and I needed to design my kitchen. I lay there all night dozing for a moment and popping awake to look at the clock and calculate how long I would get to sleep if I fell asleep right then.

Looking into the kitchen from the dining room.

In the morning I sat at my laptop on Ikea's website designing a kitchen, moving things around attempting to figure out the best use of the space. I finally had a decent idea, but didn't love it. Ok I know I probably won't love that kitchen. Not after the kitchen that we did our cook-a-thons in. Now THAT was a perfect kitchen.

I went to Lowe's and looked at the cabinet fronts. I did like a few and started to feel less stress about making it work from Ikea.

The island. Who puts an island like that in a little kitchen? It is a fire hazard!

Will and I spoke on the phone, going through a check list of things about the house that we needed to talk about. He has been working really hard to get the house livable for us. Carpet had to be removed, and the rooms needed to be measured for carpet to be laid. There were other thing that had to be fixed, too.

We made a few decisions that, hopefully, we will not live to regret. Now, I know the kitchen in these pictures doesn't look as bad as it is. The island is ridiculous. It is far too large for the space. The partition and half wall mean that in designing this space we need to get creative. We agreed that we'll move in and THEN deal with the kitchen. We won't move our things into these cabinets, living out of boxes for a few weeks.

But our move is still a few weeks away. I should continue packing and I have a list of things to get done. Will has drill this weekend. Monday the girls go back to school.

And through all of this, life continues on. We have to make food, and clean our house here. We have animals to care for, and diapers to change. But soon, we will be all together, and I can't wait.

I curled into myself in the closet, hands over my eyes breathing deeply, trying for the moment to catch a breath and calm myself so that I will stop shaking. Nothing is really wrong, but I feel anxious and shaky and totally freaked out.

Rewind just about 30 minutes and we were all sitting at the table eating lunch. Natalie was covered in orange pulp and green bean casserole as well as grass from being outside. She needed a bath, but she also hadn't had a good nap. (Recipe for disaster?) I took her in the shower with me and she was fine, so I thought "I'll wash my hair since I'd been outside working in the garden". Everything seemed alright until we started to get out, and I was wet, she was wet, and I started feeling panic rising in me.

I dried her off, and put her clothes on. Then dried myself, and listened to her cry and fuss, while I brushed my hair and got dressed.

Downstairs in our comfy chair, I tried to nurse her. Nope, she would latch for a second and pop off to see what was going around. I couldn't calm down and everywhere I looked the room looked messy. I paused the movie the girls were watching and told them to do a quick pick up before we watched the movie. I got up and started picking up, but I had to set Natalie down for a second. She screamed like she was hurt. I walked out, saying loudly to Will "You have to take her! You have to take her!"

And then walked quickly upstairs to my closet, to breath deeply and attempt to calm down.

Out of control feelings like that have been coming to me more and more lately. Our house is in a constant state of disarray. Not that that in itself should be the cause of my anxiety, but it is causing it in me right now. I feel like I have no control. I feel like I need to scream into a pillow and maybe cry.

Of course, Christmas is coming fast and that doesn't help at. all.

Gratitude Day 22

I am grateful for my life. Today is my 34th birthday. 34 years of me!

Last night I got little sleep. I went to bed at my normal time. I even did my normal things- read for a little while and watched a little television. But my brain would. not. shut. off. I felt like the world was pressing down on me. I felt like tomorrow would bring a tragedy and I could possibly stop it, if only I could figure out what it was.

I had taken a nap earlier in the day and maybe that hindered my sleep. I had also nearly fallen asleep while snuggling with Will on the couch watching Antiques Roadshow before heading off to bed.

Around 1 ish, I had dozed off and had a sort-of dream about Will wrecking on the way to Sierra Vista. He usually leaves the house around 4:30am so I knew he'd still be sleeping on the couch. (Again, this is because our bed is too soft and gives him back pain.) I picked up Natalie, and we went to sleep on the couch by him.

It worked. I suppose I just needed to be near him. I miss slumbering next to him. I look forward to the day we can buy a new mattress and be bed buddies again.

When he left, I took Natalie and headed back upstairs to try and sleep until my alarm went off at 6:11.

Yawn. Its going to be a very long day.

Michaelmas

I am starting to wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me. I spend far too much time day dreaming. So many crazy things have happened lately, including putting offers in on houses in Sierra Vista, so I sit and ponder what will happen later if x, y, z happens first. I imagine moving sooner than the end of the semester.

I love the school our girls go to, and they love it as well, but I am so ready for the next phase of our life. I am ready to move into our new home (when we get one) and start fixing it up and living our life. I am ready to see my city girls become country bumpkins, covered in dirt and dust and wearing wranglers.

Yesterday there was an accident at the girls school. It was the annual Michaelmas Festival, and after the children all went through an obstacle course there was a performance. The early childhood, preschool and kinder, were in their classes, as there is a dragon and they feel some of the performances are a little scary for the wee ones. I kept walking back and forth between the performances and Gwennie's class. There is a point when one of the grades comes out wearing a dragon costume , think Chinese New Year dragon, and its usually really neat. Only the piano that they had up on the "stage" tipped over and landed on a student. She started screaming and for a short time there was chaos, though things were quickly taken care of. Emergency services were called and the girl was taken away in an ambulance a short time later.

But a piano fell on her. Imagine if it had been one the kindergarteners? Imagine if... and yes my mind has imagined a million scenarios. Not fun. But I thought I was fine with it. I mean, she'll live, her leg will eventually heal.

So why did I keep waking up last night hearing her screaming?

And even today, I feel numb. There were a lot of people closer to her and the incident, I was about fifteen feet away and I only heard the piano fall and the cacophony. I picture the fast action of Rhayn's teacher, grabbing one of the mom's (who is a doctor) out of the crowd before most of the people even had time to realize what had happened. In my mind I play it over and over. But why? I feel stupid. Yes it was scary, yes someone was hurt. No I don't even know who she is. I'm sure I've seen her around, its a small school.

Last night's poor sleep is making today difficult. I feel like a living dead girl.

I think tonight shall be an early night.

Random Freak Outs.

I feel the panicky feeling I get sometimes, it hits me slowly at first. But after a short time it smacks me with shortness of breath and and overwhelming feeling that life is out of control.

This post is random and all over the place. Here is a picture, before you read all of this crap.
This last year has been such a struggle for me. I have felt let down and disappointed over and over. Natalie's birth was nothing like I wanted it to be and I am still processing it. Of course I love her, and really wouldn't trade her for the boy I thought she was. And she is different than I thought she'd be. I wanted a lump-like baby, but she is busy. She gets all over the place by rolling and she's barely 5 months. She has grown out of her baby clothes quickly and I have donated them as fast as she has done that, because hanging on to them makes me sad. (Though I have a box of my favorite outfits to be given to family.) She wants to eat food, and I didn't want to give her any. I have been putting a little bit of food on her tray and she touches it, and puts it in her mouth. Last night she destroyed a piece of lettuce with just her gums.

The summer zipped by in a flurry of hot, hot days. I had plans for it, but none of them came to fruition.

Gwennie starting kindergarten was great for her. And as I stand on the playground with her in the morning, watching her plan and sweating like crazy, I know I don't want to move her partway through the school year.

And we still don't exactly know what is going on. Will is there, living his geo-bachelor life, coming home on the weekends (when he doesn't have drill in CA). Eventually we will go visit him there some weekends, too. But not yet.

Rhayn is here, and I feel like I am neglecting her, missing out on her. And most of the time she is a great person to talk to. But I take out my frustrations on her, and I feel like a terrible person. No, I am a terrible mom for doing that.

There are moments when our house feels like it is closing in on me. These do not happen often. Thankfully.

For Fun

This post is a whole lot of word vomit, with no rhyme or reason. So don't feel obligated to read it. Okay... Now here is a cute picture of some chubby legs.
We recently got home from a short trip to Cooltown. My nephew G turned 11 today and they had a small get-together for him. It was a perfect excuse to visit with my family.
I started off yesterday feeling really depressed. And as usual while I was there, I was fine. But now I'm home and those dark feelings and fears are back full force.
I am thankful that my depression is mild. Sure I could take meds and not feel this way, but I like feeling good and am afraid I would feel numb instead. I also think that having this sort of depression is NORMAL. One can't be happy all of the time, can one?
Maybe it just makes me feel better to think that I am normal.

Tonight my niece is staying over. "My first sleep-over" she keeps telling me. Its so cute both she and Gwennie are super excited about it. But Gwennie is being a total brat, too. She didn't sleep well the past few nights, so she needs sleep. I suppose it isn't happening tonight.

I want to go to sleep or at least go to bed and read. But also I want to write. I have a few errands that I needed to run on the way home today, but none of them were finished. I need to take Gwennie's vaccination record to the school. I also need to pick up Will's dress shirts from the laundry. We've decided that having them pressed is worthwhile. Will can iron his own shirts but it takes a long time. I, on the other hand, suck at ironing. Its just not a skill I have acquired. I know... practice... practice... bla bla bla.

Adjusting

Saturday was Will's 34th birthday. 34 seems old for some reason. (I will be 34 in November.)

After his week in Sierra Vista he drove home Friday night, only to hop on a plane to Philly on Saturday night (actually 1am on Sunday.)

We've discussed a little more about this probable move to SV. And the part I am going to discuss next gives me a funky feeling. For a while at least, he is renting an apartment down there. Sure its only going to be about 6 months that he'll be there without us, but it just feels/sounds wrong.

We are not separating but man does it sound like it. This move is really hard on us both. We've grown in the past few years since he returned from his deployment and I think we rely on one another more than we ever have. I count on his help with the girls often. I really miss that (and him) and he's only been gone for a week.Adjusting to our life here, with him coming and going like a visiting relative, is not going smoothly. Gwennie is having a rough time of it. Her bedtime routine had finally been established and most nights she was asleep around 8, but not anymore. Now she will still be up at 9ish. And she is continuing to wake up before 7. The poor kid is not sleeping well. On Thursday night she flat out REFUSED to sleep, or even stay in her room. At 9 I told her that if I saw her again she would not be going to the movie in the morning. At 9:15 when I had to go back upstairs and talk to her again (this time finding her playing in the toy room) she was informed that she had lost her movie going privilege. Then I spent 30 minutes with her throwing a bit of a fit while she ran up and down the stairs telling me that she didn't want to be near me. At one point she told me that she would "still snuggle with me but she didn't love me anymore since you are so mean". In the morning she was really mad because Rhayn was able to go to the movie with our friend A and her kids.

Rhayn is helping me hold up (or down?) the fort right now. She has taken on a much needed role, but I am trying to allow her to be a kid, just one with more responsibilities. I want to give her an allowance or something to show her how much help she is being to me.

Natalie is "little miss won't take a nap unless mama is holding her" or laying by her. I wonder if it has to do with her super awful diaper rash*. Or if she is sick. On Saturday she had green goop in her left eye and her nose is pretty stuffy (today she has green boogers). I ended up pumping on both Friday and Sunday to relieve a little bit of engorgement because she isn't nursing really well right now. I now have 4 ounces squirreled away for her if she needs it though! She is also considering crawling, when she is having tummy time she practices and goes in circles around and around. She is rarely where she is originally put. She is also working on sounds. She can make loud noises that aren't mad noises more like she is just seeing how loud she can be. She still can't roll from her tummy to her back consistently she has done it once or twice.

*The rash looks worse this morning. And like it has spread. Yesterday morning it looked dry and peeling in the morning and today its bright red and warm. Poor thing.

I need a break before I break.

I feel like a tight bundle of bad feelings. I feel like I can't relax. I am sipping a nice cup of haute chocolate rooibos tea and trying to soothe my frazzled nerves.
Natalie is a stressful baby.
Here is something I posted in a Mommy Forum that I am in:
Natalie is a pretty fussy baby, well in comparison to my other 2 as babies.

The past week or maybe longer? she has been crying like crazy when she gets tired and needs to nap. She doesn't want to nurse, she doesn't want to be put down. She doesn't want to rock in the chair. Usually I put her in the wrap and stand up and sway until she passes out. Usually this only happens for her morning nap.
She had been fine for afternoon nap, but today it was even worse.

Mind you, she really only cried for 20 minutes or so, and I know some mamas have it waaaaay worse.

This afternoon she started fussing. I changed her diaper, and tried to nurse her. She latched on for 2 minutes. Then started arching her back and screaming. I stood up and she stopped. Over and over this happened. I finally put the wrap on and she was ok for 5 minutes then back to the crying.

I had to put her on the floor and walk away from her (around the corner) while she screamed the cry of a hurt baby. If my other 2 had cried like that I would have KNOWN there was something wrong, physically wrong, with them. It doesn't seem to be the case with her. After a couple of minutes she settled a little so I picked her up and nursed her and she finally fell asleep.

This is so hard to deal with. Especially since she isn't like this at night. And I have no idea what to do. I don't want to let her CIO (cry it out) because it kills me inside. Plus Dad works from home and I can't imagine that a crying baby is helpful when working.

So any suggestions? Plllleeeeasse.

It was suggested that she
a. is overtired
b. has gas or reflux
c. is teething

All I know is that I am exhausted from it. She is asleep right now. She cried, and we rocked and she cried while we rocked. But she finally gave in to her tiredness. I carefully put her in our bed and turned on the baby monitor and walked away. She's been asleep for about 2 hours now. But I feel so anxious that I keep running up to check that she is still breathing.

That is why I bedshare/cosleep. If I didn't I would be up all night checking on her. It was why I started cosleeping with Rhayn even though I swore I would never do that.

Then there is making dinner... and Rhayn has a friend over. (We're having a pasta bake.) And my grandma called and I talked to her for a while but that always gets me down. I feel terrible that we don't see her very often and she sounds so sad. Also its hot, the house feels like its looming on me and my skin feels too tight. Gwennie got mad and Rhayn and was yelling "I hate you!" in her face over and over. I had to deal with that.

And then, there is that big change I hinted about on Monday. I will write about it soon. Lets just say its causing me stress and anxiety. Because right now nothing is certain and I don't do well with that. I used to, but I am way to structured now. (I used to be easy breezy... a nice squiggly line and now I am not.)

I don't really feel depressed but I think I am dealing with post partum anxiety (hence the fear that my baby will stop breathing.) Most days I deal with it just fine, but today for some reason its way worse. I could really use an afternoon away. With Gwennie this was no biggie, she would be perfectly happy in a sling or wrap. She didn't care. Will told me I could pump and leave Natalie with him but that makes me feel anxious, too. She's never had a bottle (Gwennie didn't either). I am sure I would come home and she'd have been crying for a few hours and Will would be a mess (like I am). Plus its too damn hot. I don't want to go any where but I don't want to stay here. I wish we lived closer to a movie theater or a good restaurant. It would take about a half hour to get anywhere and then a few hours there and it ends up being way too long away from a baby (for me).

Or it would be nice to go on a date with my husband. The two of us and Natalie wouldn't be so bad.

Rhayn asked me why I am so angry. I listed off stupid reasons and then felt miserable because I think I am a bad mom.

Have I written this all before? It feels like it.

PPD, PPA, Motherwort and me

I've been reading my blog from December 2005 and January 2006, to see how I felt at this point post partum with Gwennie. It seems I suffered from post partum depression or baby blues a bit then. It was even bad enough that I called my midwife once about it. Last time I was mentioning that I felt depressed Will told me it was probably ppd, this time when I mention depression, he tells me that I feel depressed pretty regularly. Its strange how much different his responses are now. But we are also in a much better place in our relationship than we were then.

As I am great at internet-diagnosis, I think that I am dealing more with post-partum anxiety this time around. I would say its a 50/50 thing. Half of the time, I feel fine. I even have times/days that are great and I feel pretty darn good. But then the other days hit. Lately I've had some very rough days. But I feel like I am putting on a much better facade this time around.

Some days I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I don't want anyone touching me (besides Natalie). Rhayn gets in my face, well really she is trying to talk to Natalie, but she's too close to me. I take deep breaths and allow her to be there. While my insides are boiling. Gwennie is the same way.

But they don't know I feel that way. Nor does Will. I know it will pass. I know I am being crazy. Since its not affecting my daily life, its ok. Right? I keep feeling these same conflicting feelings. I want to be alone, I want to be around people. I want to be awake, I want to sleep. I want to yell, I was silence. I want the house perfectly clean, but I don't want to clean it and then I want to spend all of my time cleaning (obsessively). I want out of our house, but I want to stay here.

I don't feel afraid that I will hurt someone. But when Natalie was teeny tiny, there were a few nights that I felt like I could. I see crazy images in my head and I have unfounded fears. I worry too much.

My mental state is getting slowly better. I am taking Motherwort, which is the nastiest tasting tincture ever. (I have heard Valerian is nasty, but I much prefer its flavor over Motherwort.) It helps calm me. I don't know if it is a placebo or if it actually helps, maybe its like *Monster Spray and only works because I believe in it. But I will continue to choke down its nasty flavor until I feel better.

*Monster Spray is helping Gwennie to sleep in her own room. I gave her this and told her that monsters don't like lavender, as it scares them away. If she feels scared at night she just sprays that. The bottle was nearly empty so I filled it with water and shook it around to distribute the last little bit of lavender. But I love the idea of allowing her to make her own monster spray.

Parents of only one gender

We're nearly three months into our life with 3 girls. I love Yaya, and am amazed by her, but there is a part of me that is sad that she is a she.

I always wanted a son. When I thought of my future children, back when I was a child myself, I pictured boys. I thought I would watch my boys play sports, and I would have a house filled with tonka trucks and legos. Instead I am surrounded by glitter, fairies and horses. There is way too much pink in my life.

Sometimes when I see little boys I feel a deep sense of longing and sadness. I feel like I am missing out on something. And I can't believe I was wrong about Yaya. Will kept telling me that she was a girl. I closely guarded that I was SURE she was a boy. There was a month that I was sure she was a she, but most of the time, I was so positive she was a boy. I was excited and terrified about the birth, because we would finally find out, and when Will said "Do you have HER?" I felt that sense of sadness creep in.

I should have known when we couldn't come up with a boys name. I should have known that there was a girl in there. I had allowed myself to imagine my little boy far too often and now its like "he" is missing. And I am afraid that I will always feel that empty part of me, the part where my "son" should have been.

Don't get me wrong, please, I love my daughters more than my own life. I would do anything for them. I do not want them to feel badly because they are girls. I look at them, each such an amazing little person, and I am thankful for them.

But.

"He" will always be missing.

Thankfully my girls (and husband) fill my house with legos and action figures, soccer and other sports. And glitter, of course.

Blurry picture of myself. This is the haze I live in.

Well that was irritating. I logged on here last night to write a blog post, one that I had been thinking of all day, and Blogger was temporarily unavailable. I have no idea what that blog post was about. I should have written it down, wrote it in word and then copy/pasted it here. But I didn't.

Honestly it was probably another l-a-m-e post. My brain seems to be suffering from breastfeeding. It sort of zaps all of your brain cells, and makes everything in your being focus on your child. This was part of the discussion at the LLL meeting I went to. Though we were talking about benefits of breastfeeding and motherhood, it came up that most moms feel- zapped of brain function. For some this never really comes back. I really hope to have mine back in a few months.

The other day I was trying to talk to someone and I just kept coming up blank. I seriously could not think of words to explain what I wanted to say. So I stared blankly. Also when I am talking with someone I have a hard time focusing on them. I need no distractions to be fully in a conversation. This is probably why during my Thursday morning Coffee Chats I struggle to keep up. Its a good thing my friend A can keep up a conversation all by herself.

Gratuitous picture of myself. Taken by Gwennie. This is how I carry my sweet Natalie most of the time though I am not always supporting her head. She was looking at me and dozed off, usually her head is tucked into the side strap. I love this SPOC (simple piece of cloth) wrap.

I want to write a post about Natalie and how I feel about her name but... its taken me a long time to write this post because I have to keep searching for words and that post would probably take even longer.

Who is a Zombie in a Funk? Me.

I'm in a funk. I need to snap out of it. There is no reason for me to be such a mess, emotionally. But I don't feel happy.

Though yesterday I got quite a kick out of a male pigeon who was showing off for a lady pigeon and ran into a chair during his "fancy dance". It felt weird to laugh at that pigeon (but I did oh I did). I don't think I am laughing enough. I might need comic relief more than anything else.

I am pretty sure this depression/funk is caused by being post partum/a lack of sleep/adjusting to life as a mom of three (who knew that would be so hard?). Natalie is a good sleeper at night, usually. She sleeps when its dark and I am thankful for that. I can't imagine getting LESS sleep than I am currently getting.

So what do I do? Wait it out? Hope it gets better? Find a way to add a few hours to every day? MAKE myself nap (which requires being home)? Ask for help from others (this is hard for me)? I need suggestions that will help me feel better.

I could go on and on about all of this, but I feel zombie-like and I am sure none of this even makes sense at the moment. Bleh.

This all made Mother's Day awful. I was in the depths of this funk and really should have been smacked around a little. Too many tears and not enough enjoyment. I hate how I felt yesterday, and how I still feel today. I hate that I feel miserable but am not sure how to "get out of it".

Semi-silent Sunday- Baby Leaner

I was the mighty wiener-dog rodeo champ when I was wee.
And...
Natalie looks just. like. me.
But...
Natalie also looks like her dad.
She is a great combination of us both.
And I love that.Gwennie looks nothing like me, and as she gets older she looks more and more like his side of our family, while Rhayn looks more like mine. I look forward to seeing who Natalie most resembles.