Dread

If it seems like lately I have had nothing positive to, well its because my husband and I are fighting. We aren't acting "coupley" or even really talking much. If we do talk its like acquaintances, and not spouses. He was sleeping in the guest room, but is now on the couch. It is not pleasant at my house, and honestly I don't want to be here. I have been avoiding posting about this, too. Because bringing it all up sounds awful, and writing about it makes it even more real and painful.

Today I woke up feeling happy, singing, making silly jokes, even Rhayn asked me why I was being so silly. I felt pretty good. This morning. Then it came time for the morning goodbyes. You know, when Daddy tells the girls "have a good day I love you." He used to give me a hug and kiss, too. Now I am getting the cold shoulder. He has been walking around the island in the kitchen to avoid me. This morning, I stopped him and made him give me a quick hug. It felt forced, and wrong. I wanted him to hold me like he wanted to, to let me melt into him and allow me to release some of this awful tension I feel in my body. Instead it made me feel worse, more tense, more dread, more pain.

He and I need to talk, its gone past "should" to desperately NEED to talk. But I am not even sure how to confront him about this. I don't know what to say or how to say what I feel. And I am so afraid of what he will say back to me.

In two days it is my birthday and Thanksgiving, you know that makes all of this worse. We will have my family over, and we'll fake liking each other. But really he will be hating me, and I am hurting, and it will suck. "Happy F@#$ing birthday Leaner, here is a nice gift of my dislike." I wish I felt numb about it, because that would be better than this hurt.

I was at Target this morning and I saw some happy couple, he had his hand on the small of her back and she glances up at him with adoration. I remember the way that felt, when Will used to touch me, and we would go to the grocery store as a family and he put his hand on the small of my back, he stopped doing that a long time ago, he stopped holding my hand, touching me in public. I remember how that felt, though. Back when we made time for each other, before his life was so busy that I didn't fit in at all. Back before the Army. Before our second child. Before I started being so afraid I was going to lose him because of the Army. Before I knew he would be gone (for sure) for six months this spring.

I just don't know what to do about any of it. It is neither of our fault completely, and yet it is both of our fault. Months ago we talked about this, we talked about how we need to make time for each other, we need to talk. We needed to do things together, plan dates, find hobbies we both want to do. But we haven't even followed our own advice. And here we are, at a breaking point.