Whew

In just a few hours he will be home again. I have to say that this deployment was very difficult. I wasn't surrounded by my support group, since we moved 3 hours away from my closest friends. It made it harder for me to deal with the day to day stuff. I miss being able to just sit with a friend and chat about annoying things the kids are doing. I miss being able to get an afternoon away because the kids could go home with someone else.

Now, sure, the 2 older ones are at school all day, but Tally is always with me. I did some math the other day, and in her entire nearly 13 months of life (and if you add in pregnancy that makes almost 2 years) I have been away from her for about 6 hours. TOTAL. I just don't have anyone to leave her with. I want to, I really want to. No, I need to. For my sanity.

In a few moments I am going to get up and start mad dash cleaning of the house. We've got about 6 hours until his flight gets in, an hour and 15 minutes to drive there, and showers to take.

We are all ready. All of us are ready for him to be home again.

Yesterday at the grocery store I was putting the shopping cart back in the bay in the parking lot. A soldier was standing behind his SUV and asked if he could use the cart. I said "Sure" because I was done with it, and there weren't any in the bay. I unbuckled Tally and she reached up, to the soldier. She doesn't usually try to get strangers to pick her up. It was very cute. Now I just hope she will try to go to her daddy when we pick him up today.

Worry. I hate to worry.

I feel sick to my stomach when I don't hear from him. My mind comes up with a million horrific scenarios, things that may have happened to him. I am sure he is just fine and in less than 2 weeks we'll have him home with us. I have to remind myself that when he goes on a mission, he becomes the mission. It is something that I do love about him. But I also know that he wouldn't necessarily let me know if something was wrong. He didn't let me know when he got so very sick while he was deployed in 2008/9. I just knew I hadn't heard from him in weeks and the longer that went on, the more worried I was. This feels like that. We only have 12 more days. But they seem to be stretching on and on. I obsessively check my email, I mean really it is after 10, and I needed to just hop on one last time to see if he emailed me. And I feel so alone in this. I can't talk to my kids about it, I need to put on a brave face, and say "Yes girls, Daddy is fine, he loves you and will be home soon." While inside I am imagining terrible things, my brain going all night, I'm not sleeping. This weekend was a welcome distraction, my parents here, the cold weather blowing through, and my friend, A, stopping by. I miss having them to talk to.

And ok, it hasn't even been 6 days since I last heard from him. But this entire trip he's been distant. And I had just gotten used to him being HERE again. We'd just become US again it felt like. And back to the beginning. Back back back. Knitting isn't keeping my stupid fears away. Nothing is, even while driving around my thoughts were on him. Always on him.

ACUs and Airplanes

He dons the uniform and walks downstairs. It seems so normal, even though it has been many months since we've seen him decked out in ACUs. He looks good in uniform, better in his ACUs than the BDUs (though he looked nice in those, too.) But it makes me fearful. I know when his uniform is on, he is on, he is LT, and usually gone.

He stands in the living room, and tells me that it feels good to be in this uniform again. I know he has missed it. I am glad he loves it, even if it takes him away from us. The military has been good for our family, it gives me an appreciation for him that I don't know if I would have otherwise. It fulfills a part of him that needed to be taken care of. It gives up affordable health insurance, and a pride in our country and so much more.

His boots are on, and for a moment we sit together on the couch. Rhayn is at school, but Gwennie, Will and I sit there, just touching for now. Soon we will be dropping him off at the airport, soon he will be gone for a week. Its hardest on the girls, harder than it is on me, because I understand.

In the car, trying to keep tears in. Its only a week I remind myself. Only a week. Only a week. It repeats in my head, but I still feel the tears, just waiting.

At the airport, he kisses me, then hugs Gwennie. He grabs his bags and walks away. Sunglasses hide those tears, finally breaking free. I can stop them, but for the moment its all right to cry.

And in a week, we will pick him back up at the airport. Thankful, once again, for him to be home.

Ah- CHOO

So I seem to have caught a cold virus. Fun times, right? Nope. I also decided today that my bedroom was covered in a much too thick layer of dust and had to be cleaned (its been about 5 months since it was dusted.)

I am allergic to dust, really who isn't? It makes you sneeze and cough a bit. Well add that on top of my already oozy, drippy nose. What was I thinking? Maybe that if I cleaned a little the cold would be better, that sleeping in a room of filth like I was, was not helping. Next up to vacuum the carpet, but Will was on the phone and that would be rude, right?

Cross your fingers that this cold stays with me, and maybe the girls. Will can't catch it because he has drill, in California, for a week. He wants to be well when he meets his new unit for the first time.

Gratitude Monday

I am thankful for-

• This past year. Will has been home for over a year (He came home last year on August 28th.) I can not believe that he has been home for a year, nor can I believe that he was gone for a year. Its all surreal. I am grateful to have him home. I think its something that after his year away, I rarely take for granted.
  
• 11 weeks along. Getting close to the second trimester, with an increase in energy and a decrease in puking! Whoo hooo! The baby is now the size of a fig, I guess.
• New beginnings. I know there are some scary times on our horizon, but at the same time, I am excited to see what happens. (Nice and vague, huh? I'll write a post about it, soon. I promise.)
  

Gratitude Day 11

Today I am thankful that I have tickets (Thanks for the group discount, Amie!) for Phantom of the Opera. When I was in junior high, we played some of the music from Phantom in band. I have been enthralled with it ever since. But have never been able to see it live. My husband has been twice, once since we got married, without me. (I'm not bitter... not at all.) I have refused to see the movie version, too. I wanted to wait, I love the anticipation of it. Just like on Christmas morning I was always excited to see what was in those present, and have never been tempted to peek beforehand.

Tonight we are getting all dolled up and going to see Phantom of the Opera, and I can not wait!

Happy Veteran's Day, especially to my sweet husband and awesome brother.

Here is a picture of my brother Ender from 2004, his first deployment.

Picture of our family shortly before he deployed.

The most heartbreaking picture of Gwennie watching her daddy leave.

Gratitude Day 10

I am thankful that Will is no longer deployed and is home. I know this post would be better tomorrow, given that its Veteran's Day. I have a lot on my mind about it at the moment, though.

As I was taking Rhayn to school this morning I noticed that a flag we pass every day was at half mast. I am sure it was in response to the Fort Hood shootings. Every time I think about that incident I get choked up. I feel such a deep sadness for those families, and every one on that base or who knows someone on that base. I have always thought that while Will was away, on our home soil, on another base, he was safe. Now? I don't think that at all. I learned a few other things this weekend that made bases even less safe seeming. Things that would not occur to the average, safe-in-her-home American.

Since he has been home I have felt blessed so many times. Sure we have our moments of dischord. But more often than not, I look at him, and feel such a swell of love and pride in him. Its hard to explain how I feel having him home by my side, where I can touch and smell him. I know that I could write for hours about this. But I have to start dinner and finish putting away the dishes.

There are quite a few things that I should be doing right now. Instead I am sitting here, at the computer, wishing the kids would be quiet. I slept fitfully all night and consequently I really just wish to lay back on the couch and sleep.

I want to write about all of the crap that is making me feel this way, but I feel guarded. I feel like I can't fully share this part of my life. I am scared, and I am tired. I am worried about things that are out of my control. I feel overwhelmed because I don't know how to fix any of it and instead I feel like my head is buried in sand. I have been late for nearly everything this week. Being late is a pet peeve, and causes me to have anxiety attacks. I want to putter around and not worry, but my heart starts beating too fast and I feel panicked when time starts running short. Instead of enjoying things, I am just doing them.

I had a really bad day on Tuesday, I emotionally broke. All of the emotions that I hold inside escaped. But I didn't share it with Will. I didn't tell him what was making me feel that way. (Things that I am worried about that pertain to him.) I could have, it was a great segue into that conversation. But trying to talk about those feelings and thoughts makes me more panicked and anxious. Plus, I never know how he will react to anything I say. Its been tough because his patience is gone. I knew it would be, I tried to prepare for this, but how can you really prepare to deal with your husband's demons when you really have no idea what they are or how they will manifest? I love him. I want to tell him everything, but I can't. I can't put myself through the rejection I fear if I start sharing my hopes and fears.

I feel like I did on Tuesday, before my emotional box broke. I feel sad, and tired, worn out. I see the list of things I need to do, but I can not make myself even begin to tackle it. Sure there is a VVA pick-up today. I should get the stuff out to the street. I just can't. It took everything I had to get up and make him coffee this morning and to take a shower. It is taking all of my control to not curl up into a ball and cry on the couch for a few hours.

I can't do that, I don't have time to do that. I don't want the girls to see me like this. I worry about how my depression is going to affect them. I know that Rhayn worries that her dad and I will get divorced, I worry about it, too. Its the last thing I want. I know that there is a lot of good in our relationship. But also a lot that is wrong. There are so many things that we need to fix. We both acknowledge that we need help, too.

For once, I want someone to take care of me, and let me just wallow in this. I thought it would be better when he came home, instead, I feel worse, more afraid, more anxious, more... just more.

Homecoming (now where is the band?)

Shall I tell you all a story? I think so. Lets go back to last Wednesday, okay?

I knew that Will had the determining doctor appointment that would either allow him to come home, or not Wednesday morning at 9am, so I was on edge all morning. When he hadn't called around noon, I sent him a text asking if there was any news. The phone rings almost immediately. Being able to text him and have him call me back was one of the most awesome feelings. Knowing that I could call him, and would get an answer really soothed the worry spots out of my heart. But I digress.

He told me that they wanted to keep him longer, however he asked them to send him home. They wanted to explore some other options for his medical issue, but what he needed most of all was to get to come home. He said he would most likely come home on Thursday, and would let me know as soon as he had more information.

Once again, I sat in suspense. I waited. Finally in the evening I texted him asking if he knew anything. I felt like a nag, but asking him questions has been the only way to get even a snippet of information out of him this past year. The text he sent said he didn't know. Then I posted the Suspense? No Thanks post because it was a way to vent. I was so tense. My body ached from the tension. But I still had to wait to find out when he would come home. The girls knew that Daddy would most likely be home the next day, so Rhayn took her special outfit out in preparation of him coming home. She said she would be really careful to keep it clean while she was at school.

Thursday morning, after I dropped Rhayn off at school I saw a friend, and basically told her she had to get coffee with me. I needed to stay away from home for a little while. I had checked my email twenty time before I even left for the morning, and it was making me a little crazy. We hung out at Target chatting for an hour or so. It was nice. It turned out to be exactly the amount of time I needed to waste because I had an email with flight information waiting in my inbox. His flight would get into Sky Harbor around 12:30. This worked perfectly, Rhayn had a half day, so I would only have to pick her up a little early and we could drive to the airport and wait. The wait wouldn't be long either.


We arrived at the airport where I realized I had parked on the wrong end of terminal four. It happens every time I end up at that terminal. Before I left the house I was planning on checking his flight with flightstats to make sure it was on time. However my computer chose that moment to completely freeze. I just turned it off and walked away. If I had been able to check his flight I could have seen with gate and where I needed to be, but it honestly didn't matter.

We sat at the entrance, waiting. We stared down the corridor waiting for a man in uniform. Waiting to see him. Waiting. When we first arrived his flight stat said it would be about ten minutes early. So we thought he would be coming out right away. But after a while, it said delayed.


Then finally it changed to arrived. The girls and I were so excited (and in my excitement, I put away the camera and didn't take another picture at the airport. Ugh. I always neglect to get pictures of the girls hugging him at the gate. It irks me, because that is a moment that I wish I could share with all of you. Really it was so beautiful. It took everything I have to keep from weeping for joy.)

We stood there, waiting. Finally I saw him, and said "Hey girls, you need to look, I think I might see Daddy." They did, and this is another minute that I wish I had had my camera out for, you could see their eyes light up. They both paused, and then you could see their bodies tensing before they took off to jump at him.

He bent down to hug them and that was the most beautiful moment. I always feel gypped at the airport. I have to wait until they get all the hugs for my moment. I want to run up to him and throw my body around his. Instead I have to wait... and wait... while they hug and love all over him.

Finally it was my turn, and let me tell you, I could have stood their hugging him for a very long time. It was perfect. We are all so glad to have him home that there is really no way to explain it, I guess we are really, really, really, really, very, very, very happy he is home.

Geesh.

Sorry to leave you all in suspense, especially just after I complained about not liking suspense and being so done with it.

On Thursday afternoon we finally were able to pick Will up at the airport. It has been wonderful having him home. I have a lot of stories to tell, but for now, I will just let you all know that he is home, and we are so. very. happy.

Suspense? No thanks.

I do not like suspense. I have been living in a constant state of it for the past year. I am trying not to think about it, but how does one not think about the one thing they most want to know about? I suppose it is much like finding out (or not finding out) the sex of a baby.

I still don't know when he will come home. He is hopeful about tomorrow, and me? Well I just want to cry because until I have flight information or a text saying "I am on the plane" I can't relax and really prepare for him coming home.

Disappointment has slapped me in the face one too many times in recent memory.

Its this state of constant not knowing that is killing us all a little inside. I mean really. The girls are messes. Rhayn wants to wear her "special outfit" and its still sitting in a place of honor on her dresser. She asks me every day when he is coming. When she asks I see that sparkle in her eye, because she just thinks for this moment, it could be true. When I tell her we still don't know, its like someone shuts out a light.

Gwennie just doesn't understand yet. She wants him to come home and can't wait, but time is so much different for a three year old.

And me? Well I am on edge. I am ready to relax. I am ready for him to be here, so I can do that. Until he is home and I am done worrying about that I will just have to feel this tension in my body.

I am a mess but at least not a "hot mess"

Will's brother and family came down to see him come home. So we went to see them this morning. The thing is that in order to get to where they were, we had to drive a similar route as we would have been taking had we been going to get Will. Only the mood in our car was awful. It took everything in me to keep from crying. I was a mess.

If we had been picking him up, we would have left the house only about fifteen minutes earlier. Every plane I saw in the sky made me think "Well that could be the one the rest of the unit is on..." But I kept this all to myself. I wanted to wail about it, but the girls are sad enough. I kept quiet. I tried to hold the tears in.

I did pretty well, until on the way home, driving a similar path, I started thinking that we get gypped from the cool unit homecoming you see on the evening news. We won't be surrounded by the rest of the units' families all with the same feelings inside. The girls didn't get to see the friends they had made jump into the arms of their dads. And we have to wait, wait, wait while they are all enjoying their families.

Its just not fair.

sinking

This weekend was great, we went to my parents' house on Friday night to stay the night. Then attended my sister-in-law's baby shower on Saturday afternoon. We were all giddy because Sunday was the day. The day we had been waiting for since last September when he left. The unit was returning on Sunday morning. We would get to pick him up before noon. I had called everyone I could and most of them were going to come to the welcome home. Rhayn could not stop talking about how great it would be when he came home. She has hidden her feelings about him being gone, just kind of dealing with whatever life threw in her direction.

We came home after the shower, and I saw the light on the machine blinking. I figured it was him, he can call us whenever he wants because he has his mobile again. The first message was some lady who was calling for Diane, or was Diane and was calling someone who had told her bad news. She was not happy. However this message was not for me, and so I erased it.

The next message was from him.
"Hi, Leaner, its me." (The way he usually starts messages, or sometimes just "Its me." I can usually tell his mood from the way he starts messages, this was more lighthearted than they had been lately.)
"It looks like they are going to keep me a little longer than we hoped." Um, what? That is in no way lighthearted. Then he goes into some discussion of some shoes he had found and a suit as he was at the mall shopping for the first time in about a year. Which I really didn't hear a lot of, and need to listen to again.

I turned on my computer, and listened to the first bit of the message again while waiting for it to boot up. I checked my email. I had a message from the FRG saying they were sorry he wouldn't be coming home with the rest of the unit.

And I started making calls. First him, no answer. I called my mom and told her. Then I called his brother and family and told them. They had driven to the valley from parts north and gotten a hotel room to be at his homecoming. Next I texted him "Call me call me call me." Then my brother called to ask me about a dip I had made for the baby shower (that his lovely pregnant wife was craving) and I told him. I called a friend but she was in the shower and asked her husband to have her call me back when she was out.

I paused and told the girls that Daddy would have to stay there for a little while longer. Both girls immediately drooped dejectedly.

Then he called. We had a short but good conversation. He spoke to Rhayn (which he hadn't been able to do in at least a month, she has been so busy all summer.) She asked him how much longer and was crestfallen when he answered her. He spoke to Gwennie and then back to me. Its always good to hear his voice. But knowing we won't see him for most likely another week or more.

For a few seconds, after we hung up, I felt reassured. But then it hit me... he isn't coming home yet.

The phone rang again, and I spoke to a friend, telling her what was going on. Letting most of it out. I tried to stay out of ear shot of Rhayn, she was not dealing well with the news.

When I was off the phone, I asked her if she wanted to take a bath, alone. She did. Baths soothe me and I know she needed some soothing. But when she came downstairs I could tell she was still not feeling better. Not that I really expected her to be 100% all better. She told me she was hungry and I told her she could make a sandwich, while I unpacked our suitcase. Ten minutes later I came down and she still hadn't done anything.

I snapped, and yelled at her. I told her to go to bed because obviously she wasn't that hungry. I felt like a bad mom. She was really upset. I gave myself and her a few minutes before I followed her upstairs with a granola bar in hand.

She was sobbing. I took her in my arms, and talked to her for a while. She told me that it feels like nothing goes right, she thinks our family only has bad stuff happen to it. I know that feeling. When Lily was gone, I sank into a depressive state, and that is where she is. It was therapeutic to wallow in it for me, it allowed me to get all of the emotions out that I have been keeping deeply hidden. I think it may be the same for her. She needed to cry, she needed to let out her fears and sadness. I was not happy letting her do it, I wanted to soothe her hurts and make everything all better. But I can't. I can do nothing to make this better.

Instead of tonight being the Christmas-eve like feeling that we were all expecting (excitement, difficultly in falling asleep), its more like Christmas Day night. Dejection, bleak outlook, and no reason to look forward to the morning.

he is safe

This morning the phone rang, it was just about eight. I looked at the caller ID and the number was one I hadn't seen in so long that for a second I thought, maybe, it was some one else or a wrong number. I answered, and it was exactly who I thought it was. Will. Hearing his voice, I felt such a sense of calm wash over me. You see, every time I have spoken to him lately, (which hasn't been much) he sounded tense, unhappy, and not at all like the Will I know. But today? It was peaceful and chipper.

"Do you know where I am?"
"Well, I am pretty sure you are in Texas. We have been getting information from the commander's wife."
"Damn FRG, ruining my surprise."

After he confirmed that he is no longer in theater, it felt like every worry and every stress I have felt for the past eleven months was melting away and finally allowing me to relax.

In my head these words just keep repeating:

He is safe, he is safe, he is safe.

Chemicals

Yesterday, in preparation for Will coming home, I paid a friend's house cleaner to come clean my house. She was reasonably priced and did a great job. They cleaned the baseboards which needed a wipe down, but most importantly, they cleaned the refrigerator and oven! They dusted everything. My house has never been this clean. Seriously. It took a group of four women a total of 4 and half hours to clean my house, top to bottom, not including Will's office and our guest (ahem, storage) room.

The thing is, that they used some noxious chemicals to do it. I knew I could ask them to use the stuff we use around the house, which consists of Trader Joe's Cedarwood and Sage Multipurpose Spray (I love the smell) and Method products as well as windex and Simple Green. But I wanted them to clean it the best that they could, including the gunk around the faucets. They did. My sinks are cleaner than I have ever gotten them.

But it comes at a cost. Both Rhayn and I were sneezing the entire time they were here. Today my head is stuffed up, and I have had to take an antihistamine in order to stop sneezing and dripping.

Its possible that I just have a cold. But sadly I doubt that. I really think that the chemicals used in my house (and the lingering smell of them) is causing my respritory issues today.

I guess that in the future, when I decide to call her again for her awesome services, I will ask her to use my cleaning supplies. And until then, lets just hope that the respritory issues I am having go away soon.

My next step is to tidy up the back and front yards as well as the car. After that, I think I am pretty much done. Maybe a trip to the grocery store is in order. I may only have a few days to fnish these projects, as we have recieved word the Will should be stateside by tonight. TONIGHT! Then he will be home, possibly in a few days.

Light

Lets think back to nearly a year ago. M'kay? I was an emotional mess because Will was leaving. I was unable see past the foggy year ahead.

Now here I am, at the end. The light at the end of the tunnel is growing brighter every day. Today we received word that they are no longer in the war zone, and are indeed on their way home. A huge smile is on my face and I am so excited and nervous. There is very little reason to be nervous, but I am.

Next

Things around here are slowly getting done. But I know that the original date I heard is not going to happen. We have a bit longer before Will comes home*. Not that I will slow down on getting everything done or anything silly like that. I have been slowly working on one room every day and that has made it seem less daunting. I had really let the house go.

Today we/I tackled the dining room. Now normally its not a room that I have to clean much usually a quick table wipe down and a vacuum and that is it. But since Will's been gone, we haven't been eating in there, at. all. Seriously, sitting down to eat at the dining room table was one of the few things I could not make us do. I tried. But I would feel so sad and lonely. Then we would pick up and move to the kitchen table and I would sit my butt in front of the t.v. and watch Frasier or Friends, or a movie, while the girls sat behind me. Awful. I hated this routine every time we did it. But you see, dinner, for our family, is a big deal. Its the time we all sit together and talk. We catch up on each others' day. Will sits at the head of the table and with out him in that seat, I couldn't do it without him there.

The dining room table had been pushed against the wall, and most recently used to house all of the give away crap I was gathering. The dogs' crates had taken up residence in that room as well. Lily liked this because the window directly behind her goes to the street. But I want to use that room to eat in again once Will is home.

Everything was moved out, and the table put back in its proper place. Also Lily likes this, because she can run around it like a maniac with her butt nearly touching the floor as she makes the tight corners. Penelope has never know she could do this before. The room was picked up, and vacuumed.

And tomorrow? Well I am sure I will have yet another titillating blog post for you about a vow I made a while back. I am seeing the second doctor about that little issue. (Not a family care practitioner, either.)

*As far as I know Will is still in Iraq. I got an email saying he was going to be really busy the next few days, and would update me as soon as possible. Lets just hope his update is "I am no longer in Iraq" because that would be awesome. Pushing back when he comes home is going to stink for us, because of well, where he may be coming home in my moon cycle. Yes, I went there (and most likely will again before he gets home). If your spouse had been away from home for this long, wouldn't you be thinking about that little detail, too? You know you would.

Good News

I haven't wanted to post about this on here, because that would make it seem real, and then if plans fell through I would be devastated. But the date fast approaches, well, actually now we have a "tentative ETA" for his units arrival home. Some time around the 15th of August. A short 3 weeks away. 3, three, tres, drei, THREE! weeks.

And I have so much to do... so much. There are so many projects I planned to have done by the time he got home. Now I have some things I NEED to get done before I can even start on those other things.

My sprinklers were not working, but I didn't worry about it, then I noticed a geyser of water in the backyard. Penelope had chewed on one of the ones that still worked and now it spouts water like a desert whale. Fun times. I have to fix that ASAP, because none of my plants are getting watered because I turned the drip system off.

I know, it shouldn't matter if everything is spotless clean when he gets home. But, it does (to me). It really does. If I clean it then I will be able to enjoy him at home instead of stressing about needing to clean it. I got the name of a maid service that is fairly affordable, if "crunch time" comes and I still don't have it all done. I have a carpet cleaner coming the 13th of August to clean the carpets in only a few of the rooms (where the puppy had accidents while house training.) I have a carpet cleaner, but the carpet needs some serious cleaning, and they will move the sectional and clean under that, too. I think it will be worth having them clean the stairs, too.

For now, I am trying to stay focused on the now, and not worry about what is coming. But I am so excited for him to be home. YAY!

It Is What It Is and Let Go.

I spoke to a counselor today. I had no idea what to expect, but knew that I needed to talk about how angry I am in this situation. He gave me a few good pointers at how to help myself feel better.

1. Realize that this is my current situation and nothing I do will really change it. Will is going to remain in deployed no matter how much I wish him home. Accept my life, and change my mantra. Instead of "This is too hard, I am losing it" I can say "my life is what it is" because until he is home, I can not change anything beside my frame of mind.

2. Let go. I am going to continue to feel like crap. I will continue to have these thoughts- the sad, lonely, I wish this weren't my life type thoughts- nothing will change that. I need to let them pass. He said to possibly visualize them as fluffy clouds floating by. Sure, I am stressing about the thirty things I need to do today, but instead of dwelling on those thoughts, I need to let it go. Envision the thought as passing in front of your eyes, and if you stop it and dwell upon it, it ends up hovering right between your eyes, where you will continue to fuss over it. If you let it pass, then it goes by. Sure it may come back every hour, ten times an hours or maybe more (or less) but just let it float by.

The counselor and I used yoga practice as a good metaphor for life. It really is. You don't dwell upon the pose, when it is over, its over. When in the middle of a really tough pose, you work through the pain, you feel the pain. That pain, like the pain of childbirth, doesn't last forever. When its over you feel stronger because you know how much you can handle.

Once again, I am reminded of how much I love yoga. I think when Will gets home, he should attend some yoga practices with me. I think it would be good for us. We could let go, together.

Nothing, that is really worth it, is easy.

Sometimes while reading blogs I come across something that really hits me hard. Sometimes it is because I have experienced it. Sometimes it is because I have thought about it only one way, and never even considered the other side. Sometimes it is because I have never even thought that it could happen to me.

Today I stumbled across this blog My So-Called Sex Life by Andrea Frazer (the title of the blog speaks to me, simply because I loved that TV show.). In her post “An Affair to remember… or forget” two women are talking, an older one and a younger one. The younger woman is getting a divorce because her husband cheated on her. The older woman says she knows how the younger woman feels because her husband had an affair while he was away at war. The younger woman is appalled that the older woman stuck by her husband even after he cheated.

Now, how do I feel about this?

No, Will has never (to my knowledge, and I trust his word) cheated on me, nor do I think he ever would. But, what would I do, if he did stray (while he was deployed or even while at home)? Honestly, I would stay with him, I would want to work it out. To me, marriage is sacrosanct. I took those vows seriously and if one partner or the other makes a mistake, it would not be the end, not for me.

When I was younger, I swore up and down that if anyone ever cheated on me, I was out of there. Why would I put up with that? Once a cheater, always a cheater, you know. But those were boyfriends, not husbands. Those were guys I was no where near as attached to. Plus, my thinking has changed. We all make mistakes, don’t we?

Of course, I think honesty is key to marriage as well as trust. If something were to happen with him, I would be hurt, really hurt. I would most likely lose my trust in him, but trust can be rebuilt. No, its never effortless, believe me, because I once betrayed his trust (no, I didn’t cheat on him) and am still making up for it, still attempting to build that strong foundation. But it is so worth it.

In America marriage seems to be like a passing fad. You marry someone you think you love, but then, at the first sign of trouble, you give up. Divorce is almost as easy as getting married. Our values are skewed, and we want everything to be easy.

Nothing, that is really worth it, is easy. Marriage, like learning a new language, is hard work. You can never be too complacent because you start to lose a little of what you have worked on. Every day is a new struggle, a new thing to work on. There will come a time when you may fall out of love with that person, the newness, the joy that you felt early on, will most likely be diminished. But don’t give up. Its possible that a better part is coming, a more solid, and sure part of love. That partnership that is built by working together, and being intimate with one another, (mentally and physically) is worth the effort.

I want to add, that in no way is my marriage perfect. I mean, how can it be, with him in Iraq? I think that knowing how hard we have worked has really made me want to stick it out. I know how hard we will have to work on our marriage when he gets home, but that is worth the effort, too. He is a wonderful person. I love him more than I ever thought I would love anyone. I can not imagine my life without him.