Less Fear, More Joy

Maybe I have too much time with my own thoughts.
Too much time to think about things that I don't need to think about. To worry about things. To ponder every relationship I have.

Maybe I regret too much. I regret the crap place my relationship with my husband is in. Wondering how in the world we got here, and how to get out of this hole.

I'm terrified that we won't make it to the other side of this rut together. I'm scared that he thinks it's not worth it to wait for me, while I'm picking up pieces of myself because I've shattered all over the place, like a dropped wine glass.
He always seems to put together and I feel like a giant mess. I used to be a fun person, now I'm not. I have withered, into a bitter, sad person.
I still see the good in those around me, but the weight of the world is crushing me.
For so many years, I've been touched out and now I feel like I need more. More hand holding, more snuggles, I can't get enough simple hugs. My body aches for it, lonely feeling. Sad. Sad. Sad.
I don't like myself, unhappy, unlikeable, unable to get out of my funk. It's affecting my kids, because I don't want to leave the house, I make plans but break them. I try to be someone I'm not, fake it till you make it. Bull shit. I can't carry on like this.
Stupid depression.
Stupid anxiety .
Stupid sadness.
Stupid messed up mental health.

Not that I expect every day to be sunshine and roses, you know. I just want more days to feel happy, and less days that feel like my heart is pounding too fast, my brain is making up scary scenarios of doom and gloom. Less fear, more joy.

The Green Demon

There is a sick, sad little part of me that is so jealous of Will. Not jealous about other women, but that beast does rear her ugly head occasionally (because I think Will is so hot.) No, this is the he doesn't have to deal with these brat children, and he is having all of these experiences, without me, monster. Tonight as we spoke, he said he was headed out with a friend to get pizza. And this part of me, the mean part, was mad. I want him to sit there in his room and pine for us. A good portion of my time is spent like that. Every night when I put the girls to bed I think about him, what he is doing (probably sleeping) and wishing he was here. Some times I wish he was here, just so that I could get away from the kids for a moment. Sometimes I wish he was here, so that we could do what married couples do. And sometimes I just want to not be alone.

The other part of the jealousy is simply that every time he goes away for something he grows, in many ways. And we aren't doing any of it together. He learns new things, I am doing the same damn thing I have been doing for a year. He meets new people, well I guess I have met a few new people but none of them are the same people. I worry that he will have changed, he won't be the Will that left, and I will still be the person I was before. And maybe he won't want me anymore. Deployment scares me for this reason, more than any other*. I know often wives leave their husbands while they are away. The homebound spouse gets lonely and ends up finding solace in the guy next door. But I fear that he will leave me because he will realize (as he will have months to think) that we aren't really right for each other, that we have to work to hard to be happy, and it isn't worth it.

After his trip to Washington DC, he came home with all of these things that he did. And I was so sad because he and I? We have done so little together. I want to experience things with him. I want to be the one he turns to. He saw Phantom of the Opera. (He has seen it before, too.) But I have never seen it, and would love to. I love the soundtrack. If you could listen to my inner playlist, those songs, especially Think of Me are top in the rotation.

When he came home for Arkansas, he was different. Maybe it was that someone else was able to get him to dance. I love to dance, but he and I have never danced, not even a slow song in the comfort of our own living room. He came home and told me things that I didn't know. And it was painful. But we both agreed, at that point that we wanted it to work. I just feel like those things, the things that were wrong then will never be changed or fixed.

Every time we speak on the phone, for a moment I feel closer to him than I ever have. But whenever we hang up, I feel so broken. I wonder if all of this is crazy stuff in my head. I wonder if any of it has a basis in reality, or is something that I should worry about. I only know that I want us to work. I want to be his wife and the person he turns to. I want him to love me completely, but I want to be someone deserving of that love. And maybe all of this is really me not feeling like I measure up to what he needs and/or wants.

*I think it is weird that I feel this way, maybe it is that by projecting my fear into this, instead of him being injured or killed, I am better able to deal with the deployment.

And this is a hard post to write, and to push the publish button on. There are a lot of raw emotions and fears here. And it all seems to be stuff that I can't, at this moment do anything about.

What a weekend!

On Saturday morning Rhayn had a birthday party to attend. After that we were meeting my parents to drop off the girls and head out for our evening away at a fancy resort, in celebration of our 5th anniversary (which is actually next month.)

I had never left Gwennie Goo overnight, only having recently night weaned her. I was worried about it, but my parents assured me countless times that it would be fine.

We drove away and decided to pick up lunch because the drive was a hefty one. We arrived around four pm or so. Upon checking into our room (which was called a villa) we were shocked. That room was so nice, and huge. It was more of an apartment. With a full kitchen, laundry room, a separate bedroom and living/dining area. Holy cow it was nice. In the bathroom was the best part, a jacuzzi style tub. I was excited about that.

We had a great evening, enjoying not being parents and just getting to be a married couple. That is not something we get to enjoy often enough. It had started raining sometime during the night. We both woke up and commented on it. It drizzled all morning, as we sat and ate our breakfast in front of the fireplace. At around noon we left and checked out. We drove down Scottsdale Road, which was covered in water. Will made a comment about how it was good that we left when we did, this road looked like it was going to be flooded soon. We had lunch at PF Changs. (If you ever eat there, order the vegetarian lettuce wraps and/or kung pao scallops! so good.)

After lunch we were listening to the radio and heard a service announcement that the road we had been on and the area we had been staying in was under a severe flash flood warning. Good call on our part by getting out of that area! You hear so many stories about people who get caught in flash floods. I have ever seen hummers stuck in the middle of a flooded wash, the people sitting on the roof waiting to be rescued.

My mom met us around 3:30 and gave us back our darling daughters (who both had not gotten enough sleep and were g-r-u-m-p-s!) It was still drizzling outside when we stopped at home. Our poor dog had been left outside the whole time and she was an icicle. (Once again, I mention that she has practically no fur to speak of!)

All in all, a great weekend, filled to the brim with fun. I for one am ready to not do anything for a few days, it is too bad that I have so much laundry... rain= mud= mess.

Did you forget that I love you? But more importantly, did I forget?

What have you done for Labor Day weekend? Me? Well, Will and I had a big talk. It seems that we are not a "happily married couple." We need something, and the disconnect I talk about often has finally hit Will, too. He actually brought up the conversation. He told me he isn't happy and can tell that I am not happy, and we need to change that. Although it was a painful conversation, it was a good one. We don't have a solid plan, but we do have some ideas on how to make our relationship better.

The biggest one is spending time together. We don't do that. Seriously, we go out, on average, three times a year (just the two of us) these are my birthday, his birthday and our anniversary. Now how can a strong and loving relationship be built by a couple who rarely spend time doing things together? It can't. We currently have no similar hobbies, or interests. But those are things that we plan on working on.

Another one, of course is talking. I am not a talker. I know that if you read my blog, you probably think that I talk A LOT. I don't. I am guarded and rarely tell other people how they affect me. Will, being a man, is the same. We usually let things get so bad, that a fight starts this type of conversation.

For me, I need to work on being and acting more happy.
For him, (and this is actually something I have to police for him) he can't play World of Warcraft every day.

Now we really have to enlist the help of those around us. We need to find a local babysitter, and use my family more. Part of our problem lately has been that money is tight. But I think that our relationship is more important than money. So what if we have to just take a walk around that park close to us? We just need to make sure that every few weeks we get at least a few hours out, alone. If the girls were a little older we could just leave them home, while we walk around our neighborhood. I think those types of walks are what has kept my parents happily married for many years. I know that they have had these problems, too. I know that most people do. It is hard to totally stay connected with a partner who leads a different life than you do. I don't work outside of the home, my life 99% revolves around this house and the people inside of it. Will's life is on a different path. He has many other things in it, that keep him walking a different path. We just need to make those paths cross, if only for a few hours a day.

Most of all, I need to say "I love you" to him. I need to remind him and myself why we are married, why we are parents, and why we want to stay that way. Because I do love him, even if I never say it, or show him. For some reason, that is just something I am not good at. But luckily it is something I think I can work on, and perfect.

Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder

Yeah, brassieres. Shopping for them is ALMOST as awful and stressful as shopping for a swimsuit. (My least favorite activity in the world!) But they are essential for me. As a teenager and in my early, pre-child twenties, I rarely wore a bra. I loved my boobies, and they were high, perky, and a large A-cup (or small B.) I scoffed at women with bra woese, especially a good friend of mine with DDs.

Enter pregnancy. My boobs prepared to make milk by expanding in size to a small D-cup. After birth it was more of a DD. Since my first child did not nurse, they went down fairly quickly. However the damage was done. My perky, happy boobies now resembled oranges in a pair of socks. A bra was a necessity if I wanted to do any physical activity. I lived in sports bras because they kept the girls firmly in place. After time my boobs shrank to a large B.

The second pregnancy comes about and breastfeeding becomes my mission in life. My boobs once again swell like a sponge in water. I buy a few bras during pregnancy to accommodate the size change, and since it is summer keeping them from drooping across my already heated up abdomen was important.

After she was born, I was lucky enough to attend a training for clerks who fit bras (namely nursing bras) as a model. Medela paid the models $80 and gave us a free nursing bra for our time. I was measured at 30 or 32 DD. Medela was discontinuing the 30D in most styles. I guess those of us who are smaller are not the norm.

I have used that bra and two others I purchased from Medela throughout the past twenty two months. But a month ago I got out an old bra from before I was pregnant and it fit (cup wise) and put my boobies so high up, I felt like a young hottie. I wanted that feeling more. So it became my mission to find a perfectly, comfortable, fitting, lifting bra.

I tried Victoria's Secret. They are the bra authorities, at least I thought. They actually measured me a 34C, which made me laugh, but I tried on their arsenal of 34C bras. None fit well. In fact they were all uncomfortable. I looked around the store and found the ONLY 32C, and attempted to wear it. Yuck. I was spilling out of the cups.

Since the mall I was in had a Macy's, I figured I would try them out. Victoria's Secret bras run around $40 and I was willing to spend that there, why not try Macy's outrageously priced merchandise? Well they had a few options in the 32D department, and I tried them all. Their bras were priced similarly to every where else I looked, ranging from $15 for $60. I ended up with a Calvin Klein t-shirt bra. I have it on right now, and it is perfect. It also came with a free matching panty! How much greater could it get?

I know that bras are like shoes. After many years of buying cheap bras and shoes I found that these are items I must spend money on. I am always happier if I find a perfect fit not thinking as much about the price. Shoes and bras are staples in our wardrobes, we should treat ourselves with ones that make us happy.

Besides, having my girls up high and happy, makes me feel better which makes me feel less depressed, which makes me a better mom, and in turn makes me kids act better, which helps with depression, too. It also makes me feel sexier, which makes me want to be intimate more and that helps Will and I feel more connected, which also helps with depression.

And it was bought for $40. A small price to pay, don't you think?

disconnected again

I need a break. Seriously I need a vacation, if only to be able to finish reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in peace. There is sits, inches away from me, and I swear the moment I pick it up, some one will need me. Last night I read up to chapter 9, whoo hoo. Not that I am in a huge hurry to find out who dies, but still... Will is listening to it on audio book, and occasionally I will hear Jim Dale talking loudly from his office. I try not to listen.

I am still in my funk. I think it is affecting my whole being. I can not wait for Yoga to start (August 20th) because I know how much better I will feel when I have just those few hours to center myself and to myself.

I feel like Will doesn't like me at all. We are so disconnected right now. We haven't sat down and spoken to each other much since he came back from DC, he talks to Rock about WOW all the time, and about the war in Iraq. I feel invisible to him. Then he comes up behind me and feels me up, haha. Like I really want him touching me when we are on totally different pages in our books (literally- he is most of the way through Harry Potter 7!) He and I need to spend some time reconnecting, in every way. We need to have some time without the kids, we need to talk, we need to be intimate. I can not make myself feel "in the mood." I know that this "disconnection" happens and usually it isn't this bad nor does it usually last this long. It has been weeks. It has been that long because of his job and all that he has been doing, and because of my watching Care-bear, and our homework. It has been so long because of WOW, too.

I guess I really need to talk to him about it. More than anything that would be the best course of action. So why am I so afraid? Because it usually leads to a disagreement. And then he'll lock himself in his office and I will get even less of what I really need- ME time.

MSO: Decision

This weeks theme at Mama Says Om is a relevant one for me. As you know, we have two kids, two girls. I want another baby, I want a son. So lately my "ovaries have been screaming" as I like to put it, my "uterus feels empty" if I weren't still nursing my 22 month old, I may also add that my "breasts are lonely," the latter is so not true, since I have a toddler who nurses most days like a newborn.

This is not a decision I can make alone of course. It is not something I can do by myself either. There are so many factors in it, too.
(In NO PARTICULAR ORDER!)

a.) Gwen is still such a baby most of the time, how will she handle it? Will she do well, and realize she is the big sister or will she totally revert to babyhood?

b.) Am I ready? Do I want to have them this close? How will that work on my sanity? Would it be better for them?

c.) Can we afford a child at this time? Can we afford a homebirth? Would we have to have baby at the hospital because of the cost? And since we have military insurance, will I end up with a cesarean section just because it is military insurance?

d.) Will is leaving for 6 months next year, do I want to be pregnant and possibly give birth without him? No, I want him there through the entire time, I want him to help me, especially since we have two kiddos already.

e.) My sister wants to be pregnant soon, I want to wait until she has her next to have another, ideally I would like to somehow worm my way into the birthing room with her (I have only been present at births that I have physically been involved in) I can't do that if I have a new baby. It was fun being pregnant with her, but I would like them to be staggered more.

f.) I am nearly 30, not old, but I would like to be done with the diapers and nursing phase. I would like to have my body back, and be a separate entity from my babies. I would like to enjoy a sex life again. I want to not worry about getting pregnant, and want Will to get a vasectomy.

g.) Until our kids are in school, I can not fully devote myself to school and becoming a nurse. I can keep taking a class every semester (Fall 07 I am taking Yoga through the college, as well as the Medical Terminology class I am taking.) But if I want to be a nurse, that is a rigorous program, I can't do it half-arsed. I have to take the course as they have it, unless I want to do it online and there are some classes that I know I can not do online and actually learn something. Will wants me to look into colleges around us with nursing programs. I don't want to start one and then have to drop out because of a baby. I will not put the baby in second place, "he" will come first, because family ALWAYS does.

h.) I want Will to be totally on board with this idea, when we planned for Gwennie it was so fun, even though it only took one month. It was exciting to think that we might be getting pregnant, and since he wanted it to, it was like a bonding experience, not like the three others (two miscarriages and Rhayn.)


I think the biggest part of this all is that I am getting the urge, that psychological urge to have another. I know in my heart that we have one more soul that belongs in our family. It is not a matter of if it is a matter of when "he" will join us. It is a big choice that we have to make, and I know that timing is never "perfect," there is never enough money and there are always fears, I guess we will have to wait and see what happens!

~*~*~*~*~*~ For other mamas' takes on this weeks theme "decision," visit Mama Says Om, and while you are at it, why don't you post a decision that you need to make. Or a photo of your kid making a decision, or a poem about it. It is my challenge for all of you this week. ~*~*~*~*~*~

CRAP!! CRAP!!

My IUD fell out! AH! I was checking the strings this morning, and I am not sure if it caught on my nail or what, but I felt it come out! The string was actually hanging out, so I pulled it out altogether.
Crap crap crap.
I need to call Will and tell him, man that sucks. I won't be going back in to get another, at least not the Mirena kind. I think we will just go back to being very careful and hoping that we don't get pregnant just yet.

Nothing

The blood tests say there is nothing wrong with me. I seem to remember feeling this way last year, too. But I can not find the posts about it.

Hmmm... I think it might be allergy related, as if you have been around this area everything is a bright yellow. Yellow, the color of things I am allergic to. I thought I had escaped the allergies that usually plague me this time of year. I have not.

I am still considering having the IUD removed. I have had increased migraines, and that is NOT FUN. I have no libido, and that also is not fun. I mean its worse than ever and I think it is part from nursing a toddler who thinks milk is better than anything else in the world (besides maybe our dog) and the hormones in the IUD.

I am not sure... but I know that I am not pleased with the way I feel, and really not pleased with my attitude.

Itchy Burning Sensation! (Disclaimer- about birth control)

Yes, I got the MOTHER of all yeast infections due to my antibiotics from mastitis. I was trying to avoid it, eating yogurt which usually helps, but nothing worked. I think it was because half way through the antibiotics I had an IUD inserted. Which was painful and scary.

I chose this method of birth control after serious consideration. In the past I refused to even look at them as a viable method of birth control, because I just kept thinking that every month the egg could be fertilized and just wouldn't implant. It made me feel like i t was wrong.

Then I found Mirena, and it delivers a low dose of progesterone directly to that area, while also thinning the uterus walls, it suppresses ovulation. That means no egg to fertilize, and I can handle that.

After my decision, I had to wait for our insurance to approve the IUD. They did within a week. I had it inserted on January 15th, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I went in, and waited a long time. They put me in this weird chair that tips you back, and the bottom drops out. Then they measure your uterus and wham, bam, OW! you are the proud owner of an IUD, which is 99.9% effective for up to five years. Thank goodness, since we do eventually want another child, like in two or three years.

Thursday, I finished the antibiotics, and my yeasties appeared. It hurt and burned more than any other yeast infection I have ever had. I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell, I wanted to scratch. I used the Monistat 1-day, because I knew it would take at least 7 days to clear it up, and I was in pain,like you wouldn't believe. If it hadn't been almost the weekend, I would have called the doctor.

I have been in baggy pants, and loose boxers for the past few days, and it is SOOO much better. I don't feel like my crotch is on fire anymore. It is sweet relief, especially after the last few days. Since we have been busy, and after the insertion I had some serious cramps, we haven't gotten to try out my new birth control. Hopefully since my yeasties are almost gone... well, you know.

The Big Testicle

As we sat around the dinner table, finishing up and just talking nicely, Rhayn climbs into daddy’s lap. “Be careful, you almost squished my boy parts,” he tells her. “His testicles,” I chime in, not sure why I chose this moment to disclose the name of that.
“Testicles?” Rhayn asks questioningly.
“Yes, testicles,” I reply.
“Like the big testicle?”
“The big testicle?”
"Yeah, its like ‘whirrrr’ ” (she makes a whirring vibrating noise.)
“The big testicle?” I ask again.
“Its in your closet, not where your clothes are, the other one in your bathroom.”

AHA! Eureka! A light goes off in my brain- she is talking about our vibrator, which she once found out, and told me it looked like daddy’s butt. The BIG testicle.

My face turns a tomato red color, and I am laughing so hard that I almost can’t breathe. Tears are streaming down my face.

“Testicles?” Rhayn says again.

More laughter, oh the bliss, that oh so sweet laughter that for some reason I am lacking in my life. This is what it takes? My daughter saying testicles, it’s totally priceless.

I never thought about what words I would use to teach my children as names for their genitalia. So faced with it the other day, I decided on the good old real names, penis and vagina. Is there really any reason to call them silly names? I like yoni, but I don’t call mine that and it sounds funny when I say it (Like I am calling it Yanni.)

Do any of you call them anything else? What do your kids call them? Rhayn called them her “butt” then her “bottom” which is why I was teaching her vagina the other day, I wanted her to wash her vagina, and she called the front her “bottom” and the back her “butt”, so I decided it was time for vagina. (She says “my gina” which is silly and cute in itself.)

Hormonal...

I know its mostly hormones, but I am really feeling depressed. I feel unwanted and like I may as well not be around.

I should just go to bed, because its obvious to me that Will doesn't want to "hang out" with me. He is watching the same stupid Star Trek Voyager episode he has tried to watch 3 times, and I watched the whole boring double episode last night, and I told him it was boring. So why does he keep putting it in? He says its because he wants to watch all of it, well we have nearly 7 full seasons of Voyager, so its not like we are lacking things to watch, if ST is what he's in the mood for. (We also own the entire Next Generation series, and all of the movies, including the horrendous Insurrection... ugh.) But he is watching that same episode, again. Its very irritating and it seems like he doesn't even want me around, unless a certain part of his body it feeling frisky.
AND HE'S ONLY BEEN HOME 2 DAYS.

I am sure this is mostly hormones... I just thought that after that first night, when he did actually come upstairs and sleep in our bed, that he was going to start doing that more regularly. I like it when he sleeps by me. He hardly ever does- he sleeps on our couch. It isn't a fight, its just because its hot in our room and I won't let him have the tv loud enough for the neighbors to hear it (being part deaf, he has to turn the volume up to a level I can not sleep to.) So what is the use of having someone to snuggle with, when a good snuggle is hardly ever doable? I just don't know.

We went to see the fireworks tonight, it was ok. No big deal, but Rhayn was wowed. The way a 4 year old should be.
I just wish I felt excited about anything.
I am just in such a funk today. I think maybe tomorrow I will see if Will will watch Rhayn and I can go see a movie, alone. That would be such a luxury... and so good since Rhayn has been attached to me for nearly 2 straight weeks. We'll see. I just need something...