Yesterday morning, bright and early Will, my mom and I left the house. My dad stayed here to watch the kids and would meet us later at IHOP for brunch.
We arrived at the doctor's office, and waited for our ultrasound appointment. It was late as always, and I was really nervous feeling.
Friday night we'd been to the ER because of some uncomfortable cramping and a little bit of spotting. Everything looked perfect with the baby though and I was sent home and told to rest all weekend. Do you know how hard it is to rest when your husband is building things? Normally I help out but I had to sit and NOT do anything. Saturday we'd run some errands and by the late afternoon those uncomfortable cramps were back and regular again. I knew I needed to take it a little more easy on Sunday.
So Monday rolled around and we finally are taken back for the anatomy scan. Of course the tech asks if we want to know the gender, and I say "If we can we would" ugh words I would regret 10 minutes later.
She shows us the head and takes her measurements. Everything looks good, the baby's heart has for perfect chambers and is pumping blood exactly as it should. She moves down and looks at the baby's legs. We get a lovely picture of a fat little hobbit foot.
And then, she say "let's see what we have in there" and... nothing. Tight legs, and no moving. Nothing. She wiggles the wand, she shakes the baby, nothing.
She gives up and says "Since you are of 'advanced maternal age' (over 35) the doctor also needs to look, maybe she'll have better luck."
The baby had his/her legs closed tightly and then moved her/his hands down over that part. So not even a second to peak.
And as the tech told me we were all done I had to hold back tears. All weekend I had felt so much stress about this. But there was nothing. And I felt such a huge rush of sadness. I don't think anyone gets how badly I feel about it. I know Will doesn't. He just made his normal "well it is a girl we don't need to see that to know" jokes. But we're already having a rough weekend/week/month and that didn't help.
I still want to cry about it. I think I need to cry, maybe I'll feel better. I don't know. I just feel so overwhelmed by everything right now. And I don't know how to make it better.