I need a break before I break.

I feel like a tight bundle of bad feelings. I feel like I can't relax. I am sipping a nice cup of haute chocolate rooibos tea and trying to soothe my frazzled nerves.
Natalie is a stressful baby.
Here is something I posted in a Mommy Forum that I am in:
Natalie is a pretty fussy baby, well in comparison to my other 2 as babies.

The past week or maybe longer? she has been crying like crazy when she gets tired and needs to nap. She doesn't want to nurse, she doesn't want to be put down. She doesn't want to rock in the chair. Usually I put her in the wrap and stand up and sway until she passes out. Usually this only happens for her morning nap.
She had been fine for afternoon nap, but today it was even worse.

Mind you, she really only cried for 20 minutes or so, and I know some mamas have it waaaaay worse.

This afternoon she started fussing. I changed her diaper, and tried to nurse her. She latched on for 2 minutes. Then started arching her back and screaming. I stood up and she stopped. Over and over this happened. I finally put the wrap on and she was ok for 5 minutes then back to the crying.

I had to put her on the floor and walk away from her (around the corner) while she screamed the cry of a hurt baby. If my other 2 had cried like that I would have KNOWN there was something wrong, physically wrong, with them. It doesn't seem to be the case with her. After a couple of minutes she settled a little so I picked her up and nursed her and she finally fell asleep.

This is so hard to deal with. Especially since she isn't like this at night. And I have no idea what to do. I don't want to let her CIO (cry it out) because it kills me inside. Plus Dad works from home and I can't imagine that a crying baby is helpful when working.

So any suggestions? Plllleeeeasse.

It was suggested that she
a. is overtired
b. has gas or reflux
c. is teething

All I know is that I am exhausted from it. She is asleep right now. She cried, and we rocked and she cried while we rocked. But she finally gave in to her tiredness. I carefully put her in our bed and turned on the baby monitor and walked away. She's been asleep for about 2 hours now. But I feel so anxious that I keep running up to check that she is still breathing.

That is why I bedshare/cosleep. If I didn't I would be up all night checking on her. It was why I started cosleeping with Rhayn even though I swore I would never do that.

Then there is making dinner... and Rhayn has a friend over. (We're having a pasta bake.) And my grandma called and I talked to her for a while but that always gets me down. I feel terrible that we don't see her very often and she sounds so sad. Also its hot, the house feels like its looming on me and my skin feels too tight. Gwennie got mad and Rhayn and was yelling "I hate you!" in her face over and over. I had to deal with that.

And then, there is that big change I hinted about on Monday. I will write about it soon. Lets just say its causing me stress and anxiety. Because right now nothing is certain and I don't do well with that. I used to, but I am way to structured now. (I used to be easy breezy... a nice squiggly line and now I am not.)

I don't really feel depressed but I think I am dealing with post partum anxiety (hence the fear that my baby will stop breathing.) Most days I deal with it just fine, but today for some reason its way worse. I could really use an afternoon away. With Gwennie this was no biggie, she would be perfectly happy in a sling or wrap. She didn't care. Will told me I could pump and leave Natalie with him but that makes me feel anxious, too. She's never had a bottle (Gwennie didn't either). I am sure I would come home and she'd have been crying for a few hours and Will would be a mess (like I am). Plus its too damn hot. I don't want to go any where but I don't want to stay here. I wish we lived closer to a movie theater or a good restaurant. It would take about a half hour to get anywhere and then a few hours there and it ends up being way too long away from a baby (for me).

Or it would be nice to go on a date with my husband. The two of us and Natalie wouldn't be so bad.

Rhayn asked me why I am so angry. I listed off stupid reasons and then felt miserable because I think I am a bad mom.

Have I written this all before? It feels like it.


Amie said...

It reminded me of some babies I know with reflux as well...worth a shot to have it looked at. Otherwise, man, I have no idea, poor things!

Mo said...

You are not a bad Mom, just an exhausted one! Big hugs to you and I promise that this too shall pass. Let me know if there is anything I can do, really! x

Elise said...

Tomorrow you and me. No i don't have a plan (sorry) but that has never stopped us from "winging" it before. Again bring an action figure in case I don't remember. I will only have Melody tomorrow. If you want (not asking you to) find a sitter for your older girls and it will be just us and the babies who don't talk back yet :) See you tomorrow

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