20180921

Bored...

Relationship length: 18.5 years
Married: 15.5 years
Who’s older: him
Age difference: 4 months
Who’s taller: Him
Worst temper: me
Most sensitive: This one
Loudest: neither
Funniest: him
Most stubborn: well... me
Falls asleep first: him. My brain keeps me awake at night
Cooks better: both
Sweet tooth: both
Better singer: him
Best dancer : me
Most adventurous: depends...
Most organized: me
Stresses the most: he
Dresses the best: he does, but it's so much easier to dress as a man.
Most protective: neither
Glued to their phone the most: I want to say him, but I'm not innocent.
Best person with money: Him
Best driver: I think I am
Has the most clothes: toss up

20180920

I don't know what is wrong with me.
Well I know what is physically wrong, but I feel so  mentally messed up right now.
I was super excited earlier, because I leveled up in Pokemon Go! today. And I couldn't wait to tell R. Then he got home and I have retreated inside myself, I can't figure out what is wrong, or why I feel like this.
I feel so anxious.

20180915

Buzzing

Yesterday I went to the bathroom and when I stood up I realized I felt a buzzing/humming sensation in my pubic bone. I also realized I've felt it before recently. The feeling is like when you have your phone on vibrate in your pocket, and it goes off while you are walking around. Not like the feeling of holding it against your leg. It's not as intense. I've been feeling this all down my right leg, or it feels lot water is pouring down my leg, or it feels hot or cold, but not to the touch, just to me.

It worries me. Because it's a new, not uncommon, symptom of spondylolisthesis, and it is much more worrisome than many. Losing sensation in the saddle area is the beginning of a condition called cauda equina syndrome. I could end up permanently losing bladder and bowl control and having a permanent loss of sensation in that whole area. That scares me. I'm only 40, I don't want to get to that point.

So Monday morning, I'm going to call the surgeon and schedule an appointment to discuss have a spinal fusion (to schedule the surgery). I had planned to wait until Abi started 1st grade (next year) but I don't think that's in my best interest anymore. I'm just going to have to accept that this is going to happen. And hope that it will be for the best.

But

I'm so scared.
I'm scared of the surgery.
I'm scared of the pain killers.
I'm scared it will not make it better.
I'm just scared.

20180910

I hate my back. I hate pretending I'm ok and then being smacked down with pain and numbness because I've over done it.

Feeling unstable and in pain when I'm standing up in the kitchen, so I sit down and I can't get comfortable because of the zaps down my leg and I just want to cry because I can't even sit comfortably anymore.

I'm trying to be positive and not post woe is me bull crap on Facebook. But I don't feel positive, so I just post nothing.

20180828

Decisions

After some soul searching and lots of discussion, we've decided to go ahead with the surgery. Now the next step will be figuring out how to fit it into our life.

I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified, but if it gives me back my life? My ability to clean the house without this pain I've got right now? That will be worth it.

20180731

There is something about death,
It hits you in the gut,
Knocks you down,
You think of everything that you wish you had said,
Done,
And you are reminded of them,
In the little things.
The wind blows,
And you remember their voice.
As your heart breaks
Knowing you will no longer pass them on the street,
Never again say "hello, how are you"
Never again hear their stories.
And your eyes fill,
Once again,
With tears.
Tears for all of those in their life who were closer than you,
Hoping they have no regrets.

20180720

Today is a bad pain day. I over did it yesterday, so my right leg is weak and my toes are numb and my back aches so much. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know what to do.

Make up and hair has been my outlet lately. 

20180717

Chronic pain, second opinions, and drugs

You know, I never really gave chronic pain much thought before. I suppose that until you have it, no one really does think about it much.

These days I think of chronic pain all off the time, because I'm suffering from it. I feel ok in the morning, and so I go about my day. I often over do it, like I did today. So I end up with nerve impingement. Pins and needles all up and down my right leg. It feels like water being poured down my leg, warmth or burning on the outside of my right foot. Crampong in my calf.  And worst of all, a feeling of weakness in my foot.  

And so I spend hours and hours reading about the condition I have. Success stories from surgeries. Reasons not to get the surgery, reasons to get it. Around and around I go in the merry-go-round of spondy information. I feel like I'm spinning from it all, and still I don't know what to do. 

I'm tryng to get a second opinion, from an orthopaedic surgeon who specializes in the spine. But since he's a second opinion, I have his hoops to jump through tio see him. (Including getting a referral from my primary care doctor.)

I also need to get in to see a pain doctor, which I'm scared of, but I don't have to take opioids, I'm just hoping three are other options for me.

And now I need to go make dinner so I can go to bed early in hopes of stopping the nerve pain today.

20180715

Spondylolisthesis

I feel like I am always reading articles, blog posts, forums, about spondylolisthesis. I am torn on what to do. I mean obviously there is no prefect time to have surgery. Being "out of commission" for around 6 weeks, unable to drive at all for about the same, scares me.
So does worsening pain. The thought that I could need an emergency surgery, or be left with permanent nerve damage, terrifies me.
I'm 40, this isn't something I should be facing right now. I know my pain isn't yet that bad, MOST OF THE TIME. But I have days where it is, and I can't figure out what makes it better or worse. Well, if I'm lazy and do nothing I am likely to feel better than if I spent my day on my feet. But are there simple things I do on a good day? Like "today i stretched and iced my back and I was in less pain" or "today i vacuumed and swept and was in more pain". I really should keep track of my pain level and my activity level.
Of course if I go see the Dr and he'll order a flexion/extension  x-ray to see if my spondy is stable, and it turns out it isn't? I feel like that would be a HUGE reason to seriously consider the surgery.

All I know is that if I can maintain where I am I might be ok, but if it keeps getting worse? I can't even imagine. 

20180704

Surgery

I am seriously considering surgery to  "fix" my back. I recently had a follow up MRI to check my slippage. Since April 2017 my L5  has moved and I know I'm having more pain. And it looks like L4 might be moving as well.

Today I was cooking dinner, I had been standing up in the kitchen for 30 minutes and suddenly it felt like the outside of my right leg was covered in goose bumps (there were none!) That was 3 hours ago and my leg still feels wrong. I keep having strange sensations up and down it. I took a hot bath hoping for relief, but even while I was in there I could feel the nerve pain, like pouring  burning coffee down my leg.

Ever since I read my MRI results I've been feeling so afraid. I was sort of ok before that. But I feel depressed and miserable.

I know Will is 100% supportive of surgery because he knows I don't make these choices lightly, and he had known people who've had similar life altering surgeries with excellent results.

But I'm afraid, still. It is surgery. It isn't a guaranteed fix. My Dr said I have an  80% chance of relief because my pain is mostly nerve pain. And there is a long recovery period. That's scary.

But feeling like this for the rest of my life is scary, too. I said if there was changes in the MRI I would really look into surgery, because what's the likelihood it will continue to get worse? How likely am I to eventually get to the point of not being able to walk more than 5 minutes?

Making this choice is difficult. I wish there was a sure fire way to make the right one. But I'll spend the next month researching.

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