20160409

Abi is slowly weaning from breastfeeding.

She usually nurses 3-4 times a day. Mostly in the morning and when she wants to sleep. But these days I've been delaying or not letting her nurse at night.

I don't know why, but when she asks for "nook" in the evening I come up with reasons why she can't right now.

But then I'm so sad that she's almost 3, and I can't believe soon I won't have a Nursling at all. And I feel panicky and sad.

It's nice to have older kids, is so much fun to watch them play and know I can take a shower without worrying about them. But...

Moving out of this part of our lives is harder than I thought it would be. Even if I can't wait for the next part.

20160215

My sweet Bones-y Boy

Today I took a shower, and was going to get dressed to go shopping and get out of the house.
Instead I dealt with dog drama and a total melt down. This might be a little graphic. Just warning you.
I got out of the shower and heard a strange noise, I couldn't figure out what it was, so I looked outside. Seamus had something in his mouth. I put on my glasses and saw that he had Bones by the neck.
I yelled at him but he wouldn't let go. I was shaking and ran back inside to get dressed (yes I was just in a towel for that first part).
Outside again, I'm throwing rocks and trying to get Seamus to let go of Bones neck.
He dragged Bones shaking him like he was a rabbit. Bones wasn't fighting back. And he had blood coming from his nose. I was sure he was going to die.
I ran back inside and grabbed my phone and sobbing, called Will. Through my gasping I told him what was going on. He told me I had to pull it together and get the broomstick and break then apart.
After sobbing and saying I can't over and over I grabbed the broomstick, and went back out to them. Sure Bones was dead at this point, he was barely breathing and he was still, I stuck the broomstick in Seamus's mouth. He couldn't let go because he had Bones collar wrapped around his lower jaw.
Seamus was calm, even though (what I thought was a) dead Bones was hanging from his mouth. I reached under my sweet brown puppy and undid his collar.
Then I turned and walked back to the house, shoving, gasping, and asking Will to please come home.
He said he would but needed to explain to his coworkers what was going on. I slumped onto the porch and cried.
Bones walked over to me, panting. He wasn't dead, but he'd been unconscious, which has allowed Seamus to calm down enough to let me undo the collar.

We think Bones will be OK. Seamus is fine.
I'm glad that it was something as simple as a collar and not Seamus turning into a dog fighter.
There was a little while when I was sure we lost my Bones and would have to put Seamus down because we couldn't have an aggressive dog around our kids.

This is the third time I've dealt with dog drama like this, honestly this one has had the best outcome (so far) but I feel so much more on edge.
I was already telling Will how stressed out I felt yesterday, how mentally worn out I was. This put me over the edge and I'm so grateful he was able to come home and just sit with me on the couch and hold me. Because I needed that so much. I didn't stop shaking until this afternoon and all of this happened around 8:30 this morning.

Bones isn't totally out of the woods, we have to keep a close eye on him for the next few days. We aren't sure how long he was without air, and his neck looks swollen as well as it's obvious he's in a lot of pain (thank goodness for a few pain pills left from Seamus's surgery in August, you know, from when my neighbor's dogs tore him up.)



20160126

I'm overwhelmed again. Not sleeping. Freaking out over little things. Trying my hardest to stay on top of things and failing miserably. Finally feeling a little better after a long drawn out illness, but mentally broken from it.

I need a break. I can't take one. I need a moment to myself, it won't happen.
I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm having a hard time keeping myself going.

I'm worried about my oldest.
I'm worried about my health.
I'm worried about...
I'm worried...
I'm...

Struggling.

It'll get better. That's the great thing about having been through this before, I know I've day I'll wake up and this strange scary image stuck in my head will be gone. The tears that can't seem to fall with evaporate. I'll breath again. And I'll laugh. And I'll feel good.

And this will be a distant memory.

20160104

2016

It's the first day back to school for the new year.
I'm so glad because the weather is messy and the younger two were bored. I'm sick, though dealing fairly well with it. Yesterday seemed to be the worst day so far and I do feel better today.

I'm lonely. I miss my friends, I miss the Monday breastfeeding meetings at the mall, I miss the community I had in SV. Just like I missed DMS when we moved from Phoenix.

Trying to find myself again here has been hard. We've pretty much had one person or another sick since we moved in November.

But let's do a quick run down of everyone in the house.

Rhayn is settling in to school here. Though she misses her boyfriend, we make sure they still get to see each other once in a while. She's totally into Harley Quinn and Batman at the moment and binge watching shows on her phone.

Gwen loves our new neighbors, an older couple who let her come over and help take care of their horses every day. She is over there almost every day at between 4-4:30. On the weekends she sometimes spends the whole day there. She is great with horses and I'm glad we don't need to get her her own.

Natalie made a friend, she lives in the house behind us. She's the same age as Natalie. So hopefully they'll go to kindergarten together next year. Natalie has discovered the joy of Nintendo. She loves playing games with Gwen and daddy.

Abi is still my snuggle buddy. Though I'm slowly weaning her because I get anxious when she's on me all day. She loves to play farm and makes silly voices for her animals. Maybe I have no idea what she's saying, but it's a lot of fun to listen anyway.


20151121

It's hard to watch your child's heart break.  You can't do anything, just tell them you love them. Tell them that you are there if they need you. And wait and hope it's something little and that they'll talk to you later.

Watching your child make mistakes is almost as hard. But you have to let them, you have to stand by and allow them to live their life.

Parenting has so many ups and downs.

And it's exhausting.


Especially when you are already feeling depressed because it's your birthday (tomorrow)  and its going unnoticed.

20151027

Less than a week left in our Sierra Vista home. I'm feeling so many different things.

But mostly I'm hopeful that after we get moved in I'll calm down. I'm mentally a mess. I'm tired of everyone and I want a break. I need a break. But I don't yet see it happening.

My stress level is so high, I'm not being the mom I want to be. I'm mean. I tell far too much. I have told my kids I needed to be left alone so many times that I can't remember. I don't like myself right now.

It has to get better.
It will get better.
I'll figure out a way for it to be better. Once we move, I will be a better mom.

20151020

Hearing Loss

About a month ago, Rhayn came home from school and told me that she'd failed her hearing test. The school would retest her in 30 days, but that seemed a long time.

I took her to her pediatrician, and she failed their hearing test and we got a referral for an audiologist.

At the audiologist she failed on her right ear and had a little loss in the left. And another referral, this time to an ENT.

We tried the ENT in town and didn't like his results and chose to get a second opinion in Tucson.

Monday the school nurse retested her and surprise, surprise, she failed again.

Today we had that appointment for a second opinion. I am so glad we did.

The office was nice, and friendly. We were seen by, first, a resident, and then a doctor who recognized Rhayn's name from when she was much younger and she used to go to this clinic in Phoenix after her palate repair.

The doctor made us feel comfortable and explained to her and to me what he thought was going on. First he has his office repeat the audiogram and verify the results. It was very similar. Then he told us that she has a small hole in her ear drum from, most likely, when she has tubes at 6 months.

In three weeks she is scheduled for an out patient surgery to repair her ear drum. As one can imagine, she's scared about the surgery. Poor girls had more surgeries in her 14 years than I have in my near 38.

Hopefully, this surgery will fix the ear drum and she won't need hearing aids. There is still a small chance that she will need them, but we won't know until after her surgery.

20151014

I need to take a Facebook break. But every time I do I feel lost and lonely. It's an addiction and its sucking my time. I hate the way I feel addicted to my phone. How lost I feel without it. I fought hard, telling people how and why I didn't want a smart phone. I knew it would feel like this. And I've had one for about 4 years and yes, I hate it. But, I am afraid to be without it.


20151008

I'm feeling quite a lot better today. I had a really good cry, and talked to some friends.
I made myself do some moving preparation.
I spent some time with my old buck, giving him a good head scratch.
I took really deep breaths.
I made myself laugh.

And for the moment, I don't feel like the world is crashing around me.

And for now, that's enough.

20151007

Mourning

It's been a rough few months. My heart is breaking and I'm just not even sure how I should be feeling.

First, moving to Tucson, and all of the things that go along with that. Mourning the loss of my La Leche League group here, and my friends.
Then dealing with things my teenager has been doing. And worrying about her safety all of the time.
Single parenting through the week, while trying to maintain normalcy for my kids.
Rhayn is having some hearing problems, and we are having her tested to see if there is any way to fix it.
We found out Abi is quite allergic to cats, and I love cats. She may have asthma, too.

The incident with our dog, Seamus, and the neighbor's dogs, that required an emergency vet visit and $1000 in bills.
Watching our sweet old Lily slowly decline, as her hips get worse and worse.
Our old buck, Alf, also deteriorating because of a leg that no longer supports his weight. Knowing that the right choice is to put him down before he can't walk. But it hurts me so much, just knowing that I won't see his handsome horns anymore. I've spent a lot of time lately, in the mornings, talking to him and feeding him by hand. We've only had him about a year, but he'd had a hard life. He's such a sweet old man.

Then there is all of the stuff going on with my dad. I can't even write about it, it is not my place, but let's just say that watching your parent slowly lose themselves is really hard. I feel like I can't spend enough time with him because I'm afraid he's not going to be there next time. I keep having these fearful moments when I see my mom's number on my phone when I'm afraid she's going to say that things are bad come home. Though honestly he is just mentally having problems. I love my dad, he has always been so active and full of life. And really I think my fears about losing him have a lot to do with losing my grandma a few years ago. (Though her passing was not surprising.)

We close on our new house this next week, which then means we can move soon. I know it's going to be really hard for Rhayn. It's hard for me, I love our life here. But I'm so tired of living apart during the week. I want, so badly, for our life to become normal again.

I feel like I'm in mourning about everything right now. But I'm not allowing myself to mourn. I need to keep a brave face, to not let the girls see how much this move and our life these days is affecting me. I'm trying to be upbeat and positive. But instead I find myself hiding in my room starting at the TV, binge watching project runway. Unable to watch other shows because I can't handle the feelings. I can't deal with any one else's drama, even made up for tv drama.

It'll get better right? I'm not always going to feel this under lying sadness, right?

This. Too. Shall. Pass.
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