I'm overwhelmed again. Not sleeping. Freaking out over little things. Trying my hardest to stay on top of things and failing miserably. Finally feeling a little better after a long drawn out illness, but mentally broken from it.

I need a break. I can't take one. I need a moment to myself, it won't happen.
I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm having a hard time keeping myself going.

I'm worried about my oldest.
I'm worried about my health.
I'm worried about...
I'm worried...


It'll get better. That's the great thing about having been through this before, I know I've day I'll wake up and this strange scary image stuck in my head will be gone. The tears that can't seem to fall with evaporate. I'll breath again. And I'll laugh. And I'll feel good.

And this will be a distant memory.



It's the first day back to school for the new year.
I'm so glad because the weather is messy and the younger two were bored. I'm sick, though dealing fairly well with it. Yesterday seemed to be the worst day so far and I do feel better today.

I'm lonely. I miss my friends, I miss the Monday breastfeeding meetings at the mall, I miss the community I had in SV. Just like I missed DMS when we moved from Phoenix.

Trying to find myself again here has been hard. We've pretty much had one person or another sick since we moved in November.

But let's do a quick run down of everyone in the house.

Rhayn is settling in to school here. Though she misses her boyfriend, we make sure they still get to see each other once in a while. She's totally into Harley Quinn and Batman at the moment and binge watching shows on her phone.

Gwen loves our new neighbors, an older couple who let her come over and help take care of their horses every day. She is over there almost every day at between 4-4:30. On the weekends she sometimes spends the whole day there. She is great with horses and I'm glad we don't need to get her her own.

Natalie made a friend, she lives in the house behind us. She's the same age as Natalie. So hopefully they'll go to kindergarten together next year. Natalie has discovered the joy of Nintendo. She loves playing games with Gwen and daddy.

Abi is still my snuggle buddy. Though I'm slowly weaning her because I get anxious when she's on me all day. She loves to play farm and makes silly voices for her animals. Maybe I have no idea what she's saying, but it's a lot of fun to listen anyway.


It's hard to watch your child's heart break.  You can't do anything, just tell them you love them. Tell them that you are there if they need you. And wait and hope it's something little and that they'll talk to you later.

Watching your child make mistakes is almost as hard. But you have to let them, you have to stand by and allow them to live their life.

Parenting has so many ups and downs.

And it's exhausting.

Especially when you are already feeling depressed because it's your birthday (tomorrow)  and its going unnoticed.


Less than a week left in our Sierra Vista home. I'm feeling so many different things.

But mostly I'm hopeful that after we get moved in I'll calm down. I'm mentally a mess. I'm tired of everyone and I want a break. I need a break. But I don't yet see it happening.

My stress level is so high, I'm not being the mom I want to be. I'm mean. I tell far too much. I have told my kids I needed to be left alone so many times that I can't remember. I don't like myself right now.

It has to get better.
It will get better.
I'll figure out a way for it to be better. Once we move, I will be a better mom.


Hearing Loss

About a month ago, Rhayn came home from school and told me that she'd failed her hearing test. The school would retest her in 30 days, but that seemed a long time.

I took her to her pediatrician, and she failed their hearing test and we got a referral for an audiologist.

At the audiologist she failed on her right ear and had a little loss in the left. And another referral, this time to an ENT.

We tried the ENT in town and didn't like his results and chose to get a second opinion in Tucson.

Monday the school nurse retested her and surprise, surprise, she failed again.

Today we had that appointment for a second opinion. I am so glad we did.

The office was nice, and friendly. We were seen by, first, a resident, and then a doctor who recognized Rhayn's name from when she was much younger and she used to go to this clinic in Phoenix after her palate repair.

The doctor made us feel comfortable and explained to her and to me what he thought was going on. First he has his office repeat the audiogram and verify the results. It was very similar. Then he told us that she has a small hole in her ear drum from, most likely, when she has tubes at 6 months.

In three weeks she is scheduled for an out patient surgery to repair her ear drum. As one can imagine, she's scared about the surgery. Poor girls had more surgeries in her 14 years than I have in my near 38.

Hopefully, this surgery will fix the ear drum and she won't need hearing aids. There is still a small chance that she will need them, but we won't know until after her surgery.


I need to take a Facebook break. But every time I do I feel lost and lonely. It's an addiction and its sucking my time. I hate the way I feel addicted to my phone. How lost I feel without it. I fought hard, telling people how and why I didn't want a smart phone. I knew it would feel like this. And I've had one for about 4 years and yes, I hate it. But, I am afraid to be without it.


I'm feeling quite a lot better today. I had a really good cry, and talked to some friends.
I made myself do some moving preparation.
I spent some time with my old buck, giving him a good head scratch.
I took really deep breaths.
I made myself laugh.

And for the moment, I don't feel like the world is crashing around me.

And for now, that's enough.



It's been a rough few months. My heart is breaking and I'm just not even sure how I should be feeling.

First, moving to Tucson, and all of the things that go along with that. Mourning the loss of my La Leche League group here, and my friends.
Then dealing with things my teenager has been doing. And worrying about her safety all of the time.
Single parenting through the week, while trying to maintain normalcy for my kids.
Rhayn is having some hearing problems, and we are having her tested to see if there is any way to fix it.
We found out Abi is quite allergic to cats, and I love cats. She may have asthma, too.

The incident with our dog, Seamus, and the neighbor's dogs, that required an emergency vet visit and $1000 in bills.
Watching our sweet old Lily slowly decline, as her hips get worse and worse.
Our old buck, Alf, also deteriorating because of a leg that no longer supports his weight. Knowing that the right choice is to put him down before he can't walk. But it hurts me so much, just knowing that I won't see his handsome horns anymore. I've spent a lot of time lately, in the mornings, talking to him and feeding him by hand. We've only had him about a year, but he'd had a hard life. He's such a sweet old man.

Then there is all of the stuff going on with my dad. I can't even write about it, it is not my place, but let's just say that watching your parent slowly lose themselves is really hard. I feel like I can't spend enough time with him because I'm afraid he's not going to be there next time. I keep having these fearful moments when I see my mom's number on my phone when I'm afraid she's going to say that things are bad come home. Though honestly he is just mentally having problems. I love my dad, he has always been so active and full of life. And really I think my fears about losing him have a lot to do with losing my grandma a few years ago. (Though her passing was not surprising.)

We close on our new house this next week, which then means we can move soon. I know it's going to be really hard for Rhayn. It's hard for me, I love our life here. But I'm so tired of living apart during the week. I want, so badly, for our life to become normal again.

I feel like I'm in mourning about everything right now. But I'm not allowing myself to mourn. I need to keep a brave face, to not let the girls see how much this move and our life these days is affecting me. I'm trying to be upbeat and positive. But instead I find myself hiding in my room starting at the TV, binge watching project runway. Unable to watch other shows because I can't handle the feelings. I can't deal with any one else's drama, even made up for tv drama.

It'll get better right? I'm not always going to feel this under lying sadness, right?

This. Too. Shall. Pass.



Having a teenager can be the most rewarding and distressing thing.
You feel like you are doing an excellent job at parenting and they throw a curve ball at you.
You feel like you made the best choices for their early education and they tell you they can't believe they couldn't read until 4th grade (she feels like attending a Waldorf school was bad, because she came to the school here totally behind.
You feel like you are trying to be as fair as possible with her and her sisters, but it's not going to happen. For one thing, they are different people, and we are a different family than we were.

It's hard to be a mom. It's hard to parent a teenager, I want her to know that I love her, and I want her to feel like I accept her for who she is. But I also want her to be safe. The next few years will be tough. No matter what.
I'm really struggling these days. I know that at some point it'll get better. But right now... It's bad.

Our old buck goat is likely going to need to be put down very soon. Now it's not like you drive him to the vet's office and they give him an injection, it's more like a bullet to the head, then we have to take care of his body. I know that he's suffering, but having to put him down is making me feel... Icky. No, I won't be the one wielding the gun. I am having nightmares about it already.

Seamus somehow gouged his side on something in the yard. I tried super gluing it, but we had to stitch him up (4 stitches) and now he's wearing the cone of shame again. Which he keeps popping off. He's healing OK I guess. But I'm just overwhelmed by all the things that I can't even handle small stuff right now.

I feel like if one more thing goes wrong, I might need some time in a padded room.

We should close on our house in the next few weeks, which will give us a move date, and that would be helpful. But until then, I don't know, and people ask me, and I just want to scream "I don't effing know!" But I won't. I'll smile and say, we are scheduled to close mid October, until then we know nothing. Though the first way might be more satisfying.

I really need to spend more time blogging, because I have big things to work out. Instead of refreshing Facebook and trying my hardest to ignore my feelings and thoughts, which is clearly not working anymore.

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