15 years

Today I've known him for 15 years.

Here are 15 things I love about him.
1. His drive for a better life.
2. His passion for doing things himself.
3. Watching him hold our babies, even when they aren't babies anymore.
4. His eyes, the color and intensity of them (though his scowl sometimes I don't love so much.)
5. His singing. He has a great voice.
6. His hugs.
7. His sense of fashion (so much better than mine!)
8. And the way he looks all dressed up for work on the weekdays.
9. And the way he looks on the weekends, dressed down.
10. When he cooks, if I'm not feeling well. The way he makes "clean out the fridge" food. And it's almost always amazing.
11. Watching him teach our girls, whether it's something little, or big. He's a good teacher.
12. His love of learning.
13. His convictions.
14. His sense of duty.
15. His love.


typical depression

Feeling depressed is miserable.
I know I'll feel better soon, I know it'll end and I'll feel good again. But until then?
While I'm in the depths of despair and feeling like everything is wrong? It's hard to see the light.

Maybe writing down the thoughts will help? My oldest and one of her good friends are no longer friends. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but last weekend, she told me that they are no longer friends, with tears in her eyes. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much.

My second oldest doesn't really have any good friends. She's 9 and didn't have a best friend. She's friends with all of the kids in her class but none are ever invited for play dates or sleep overs. I'm trying to get her into things, like 4H but she's still not made any friends.

We've been sick for what feels like forever. I've been stuck at home, unable to do my normal things, because I am sick and the kids are sick. I'm tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of everyone in our house bring short tempered. I'm tired. Plain and simple.

Natalie and Abi are fighting a lot, because they are kids.
I'm sad because I only have girls. I'm sad because we are done having babies. I'm sad because babies are 100% easier than teenagers. I'm sad because this month is already more than half way over. I'm sad because we will be in this house for a long time, even though we looked at having a house built, we'll be making this one work for much longer. I'm sad because Will didn't realize I needed some alone time today. I'm sad because I'm worried about my parents, especially my dad. I'm sad because this is all getting to me and I can't get over it. I'm sad because it kept me awake last night. I'm sad because I'm getting old and I feel frumpy, I look in the mirror and see someone I don't love at the moment. I'm sad because Gwen came to be and told me that she's sad and doesn't know how she'll ever feel happy. I'm sad that my 9 year old is sad. I'm sad because. . .

And I really need a nice date night/lunch with my husband. It was so nice when we went out and walked around for my birthday. I wish we could do that more often. Our anniversary is coming up in a month, I'd like to plan something for it, but what? I feel guilty being away from the kids for more than a few hours, I am not ready to leave Abi over night. I can't believe we've been married this long. I really am glad, we make such a good team. We have made some really great kids, too.

I think I just needed to let this all out.


goodbye Dark Chocolate

Just over a week ago, gathered in my second oldest daughter's room, we said goodbye to our guinea pig, Dark Chocolate.
He was almost 4, a good age for a guinea pig.

He started seizing, and we held him close, trying to give comfort, while he passed on.
He jerked uncontrollably, and our hands, stroked lightly on his dark brown head.
He stopped seeing, and with whispered prayers, our hands still testing softly on him, we said goodbye.
He gasped, and tears came easily.

In the moments after his body finally relaxed, Gwen cried while her dad held her.
Natalie wanted to see Dark Chocolate, and we gently allowed her to see his body. She was worried about him being cold. But then, maybe remembering a funeral less than a year ago, her eyes filled with tears. And she cried, and her dad held her as well.

Our house has been quieter since then. We all miss his squeaking.
He was such a nice pet, soft, loved to be held, loved his carrots and celery.

It's in the still moments, when I'm chopping veggies for soup, when making a salad, when we would have give him the bits left from the preparing of food, that I feel sad.

He is missed.


Abi 19 month newsletter

Dear Abi,

Monday you turned 19 months old. I took one picture of you, because I was very busy during the day.

Some time in the last few weeks, your language blossomed and you started making sentences. You babble constantly and talk to every thing and every one.

You also have your top left canine but it's barely broken through. Hopefully the others come fast, because that tooth made you one miserable toddler! Fingers in your mouth, fussing and crying. It was miserable for you (and me!)

You  spend most of your time trying to keep up with Natalie. And really besides the talking, not much has changed with you since you were 18 months.

Earlier today Natalie has a barrette in her hair and offered to put it in mine. You wanted it in yours. You kept asking and punting to your head. Dear girl, you haven't enough hair to hold a barrette! It fell right out. But for about 5 seconds you were so excited about the pretty in your hair!

Darling girl, you need to slow down just a little. I'm not ready for you to stop being a baby.




I'm choosing a word for 2015.
A word that I hope will give me a place to start to make myself better.
This year is about BELIEVE.

I'll believe in myself.
I'll believe in others.
I'll believe in my children.
I'll believe in my ability to be a better me.

I'd really like to thank my mom, for giving me "believe" this year.


Christmas Eve

It is Christmas Eve day. I'm trying my hardest to be "in the spirit" of Christmas. But I'm floundering.

The girls are bored. I feel like I should be doing something, but I've no idea what. I'm baking challah, but I feel like I should be making cookies. Yet we have far too much sweets around this house.

We've watched too much TV, we've not done much of any thing. The girls are grumpy. Abi is at least napping. But every time I put her down she wakes up.

Trying to avoid feeling depressed. And trying to keep a happy face on. But feeling a bit sick with a cold and really just wanting to sleep the day away.


one week to go

Christmas is a week away. I thought I was ready, but I always feel like there is more I could do.

Tonight we have a Christmas sing-a-long at the girls school. Rhayn is in it, so we will for sure go. This weekend the LDS Church is doing some sort of a music thing. I'm curious to go because I love Christmas music.

Having sick kids last week made me stay home and I was able to get a lot of knitting projects done. I made a couple of mermaids that I'm really proud of and a few silly hats.

All I really need to do it pick up a few stocking stuffers and I'm done shopping. I'm not sure if the girls have an even number of gifts, usually I try to make sure they do. I suppose I still could.

I think Rhayn has the most gifts. And Natalie and Abi are sharing their big gift (a play kitchen).

I guess I'm just thinking aloud here.


18 Months Abi


You are 18 months old. 18 long yet short months of you in my arms. And you have yet to get any real hair!

You are battling another illness. In my arms all night, all day. Fussy and grumpy. Fevered and stuffed up. It is hard for you to nurse, and that makes you mad.

Last week we had Thanksgiving at Grandpa and Grandma's house. You decided to be a social butterfly. The last time we visited you wouldn't leave my side, this time you played happily around and only checked back in with me now and again.

You have your front teeth and your molars. And you use them for all sorts of grand things, like biting my legs! Most of the time you are careful when nursing, but once in a while I feel teeth.

Just like your oldest sister, you are a danger girl. You've figured out our dog door, climbing in and out whenever you please. You can climb onto the kitchen counter,and get fruit for yourself whenever you please. You are quite independent.

In the last few weeks you've started saying many things. And you love to sing. You love music and dancing. We were watching White Christmas and you started dancing along during one of the dance scenes.

Darling little girl, you are so much fun. You are such a happy person. I love that about you.


I think I'm over extended. I've volunteered to do to many things lately.

I want to take a few days to myself and do... Nothing but read and rest. I want to hide in a cave with a bowl of popcorn.

But I need to keep going and doing and eee eventually I'll get a moment to myself.


flu jabs

This year we decided everyone would get the flu jab.

Natalie and Abi had theirs today. The nurse asked me who would go first, and Natalie volunteered. She climbed onto the exam table and pulled her sleeve up, as the nurse asked her where she wanted the shot.
She remained calm, but as the nurse wiped her arm with the alcohol wipe, she asked to hold giraffey and my hand.
I held onto her hand and her grip was tight. The nurse said "a little pinch" and as it happened Natalie, who had been smiling a nice smile, kept a sort of smile, but her eyes filled with tears and her bottom jaw jutted out. As soon as the nurse said "all done" she practically leaped from the exam table into my arms and cried. I'd told her it was OK to cry about a shot, because they hurt.

She was so brave, and I was really impressed with how well she handled it.

Abi on the other hand.... She cried the second her bum hit the exam table and didn't stop until she was safely in my sling.
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