20160724

Less Fear, More Joy

Maybe I have too much time with my own thoughts.
Too much time to think about things that I don't need to think about. To worry about things. To ponder every relationship I have.

Maybe I regret too much. I regret the crap place my relationship with my husband is in. Wondering how in the world we got here, and how to get out of this hole.

I'm terrified that we won't make it to the other side of this rut together. I'm scared that he thinks it's not worth it to wait for me, while I'm picking up pieces of myself because I've shattered all over the place, like a dropped wine glass.
He always seems to put together and I feel like a giant mess. I used to be a fun person, now I'm not. I have withered, into a bitter, sad person.
I still see the good in those around me, but the weight of the world is crushing me.
For so many years, I've been touched out and now I feel like I need more. More hand holding, more snuggles, I can't get enough simple hugs. My body aches for it, lonely feeling. Sad. Sad. Sad.
I don't like myself, unhappy, unlikeable, unable to get out of my funk. It's affecting my kids, because I don't want to leave the house, I make plans but break them. I try to be someone I'm not, fake it till you make it. Bull shit. I can't carry on like this.
Stupid depression.
Stupid anxiety .
Stupid sadness.
Stupid messed up mental health.

Not that I expect every day to be sunshine and roses, you know. I just want more days to feel happy, and less days that feel like my heart is pounding too fast, my brain is making up scary scenarios of doom and gloom. Less fear, more joy.

20160701

Our summer vacation is quickly coming to an end.
All of the things we wanted to do, never got done.
With only a few weeks left, and one of those weeks, our at least part of it, dedicated to our family reunion, I'm staring to panic a little.

Today I received Natalie's school list and teacher name. I'm excited, but it hit me that she won't be mine at home any more. She'll go to school, with the big kids, every day. I know she's excited and I'm happy for her, but this part of my life, the life I've been living for over 15 years, is ending quickly.

Soon Abi will go off to school as well, and I am not ready. OK, it's a few years away, but, is coming.

I know that this is part of life. I love watching my kids grow and become these people, but at the same time, I'll miss the silly words, the fabulous outfits, the songs and drawings.


20160628

Heart break

Heart break, at any age, is rough. But when it's your first real heart break, and you don't know yet that you can survive this, because you've never felt this pain, you can't see the light at the other end.
When your heart is shredded into a million pieces and feels like there is no way you'll ever be able to put them back together, you can't imagine a time when you won't feel this way.
When someone you thought was your best friend shatters your heart, makes you feel less than special, it is a sharp kind of pain that you can't imagine that pain ever dulling .

But, so many of us have gone before, so many of us have made it through that pain and we've made it to the other side. We promise, you, too, will make it.


20160615

Asthmaa

This last week has been a whirlwind.




Thursday night Abi woke up coughing. She had trouble settling back down so we went the couch and I held her. She woke up every so often, and would cry out. Neither of us was sleeping. She was struggling to breath so I gave her a nebulizer treatment. It was 4am,i gave her a second one at 6am. Then at 8am called the dr and took her in to her pediatrician, we had just gotten her established at a new office in Monday and I'm so glad.

In the office they gave her another treatment as her o2 level was only 88%. It didn't help for long, in fact we weren't even able to get her o2 above 94 even with oxygen and a nebulizer treatment. During this time I also dropped my phone in the toilet, and that was terrible.

At around noon (I'm not even sure, i was so out of it) she was transported to the hospital by ambulance. I followed behind and Daddy meet us there.

At the hospital she looked so tiny, hooked up to all of those machines. But she needed to be there. She was so tired from trying to breath, she couldn't sleep because she was having trouble breathing and all she wanted was sleep.

She slept after we got there, because she was hooked up to oxygen, she was getting breathing treatments every hour, and she finally want gasping for every breath. But she looked so tiny. So frail.
She stayed over night. She saw so many doctors, so many albuterol treatments.

A diagnosis of asthma.
Inhalers
Inhalers
An action plan.

An exhausted mommy.

Seriously exhausted. I am having a hard time coming to terms with the whole experience. I keep going over what happened and feel like I should have been able to help her sooner. She shouldn't have struggled as long as she did.

But (hopefully there never is a next time but) next time I'll know what to do. Next time, if she's struggling like that, I know what to do.

Please, let there never be a next time.



20160409

Abi is slowly weaning from breastfeeding.

She usually nurses 3-4 times a day. Mostly in the morning and when she wants to sleep. But these days I've been delaying or not letting her nurse at night.

I don't know why, but when she asks for "nook" in the evening I come up with reasons why she can't right now.

But then I'm so sad that she's almost 3, and I can't believe soon I won't have a Nursling at all. And I feel panicky and sad.

It's nice to have older kids, is so much fun to watch them play and know I can take a shower without worrying about them. But...

Moving out of this part of our lives is harder than I thought it would be. Even if I can't wait for the next part.

20160215

My sweet Bones-y Boy

Today I took a shower, and was going to get dressed to go shopping and get out of the house.
Instead I dealt with dog drama and a total melt down. This might be a little graphic. Just warning you.
I got out of the shower and heard a strange noise, I couldn't figure out what it was, so I looked outside. Seamus had something in his mouth. I put on my glasses and saw that he had Bones by the neck.
I yelled at him but he wouldn't let go. I was shaking and ran back inside to get dressed (yes I was just in a towel for that first part).
Outside again, I'm throwing rocks and trying to get Seamus to let go of Bones neck.
He dragged Bones shaking him like he was a rabbit. Bones wasn't fighting back. And he had blood coming from his nose. I was sure he was going to die.
I ran back inside and grabbed my phone and sobbing, called Will. Through my gasping I told him what was going on. He told me I had to pull it together and get the broomstick and break then apart.
After sobbing and saying I can't over and over I grabbed the broomstick, and went back out to them. Sure Bones was dead at this point, he was barely breathing and he was still, I stuck the broomstick in Seamus's mouth. He couldn't let go because he had Bones collar wrapped around his lower jaw.
Seamus was calm, even though (what I thought was a) dead Bones was hanging from his mouth. I reached under my sweet brown puppy and undid his collar.
Then I turned and walked back to the house, shoving, gasping, and asking Will to please come home.
He said he would but needed to explain to his coworkers what was going on. I slumped onto the porch and cried.
Bones walked over to me, panting. He wasn't dead, but he'd been unconscious, which has allowed Seamus to calm down enough to let me undo the collar.

We think Bones will be OK. Seamus is fine.
I'm glad that it was something as simple as a collar and not Seamus turning into a dog fighter.
There was a little while when I was sure we lost my Bones and would have to put Seamus down because we couldn't have an aggressive dog around our kids.

This is the third time I've dealt with dog drama like this, honestly this one has had the best outcome (so far) but I feel so much more on edge.
I was already telling Will how stressed out I felt yesterday, how mentally worn out I was. This put me over the edge and I'm so grateful he was able to come home and just sit with me on the couch and hold me. Because I needed that so much. I didn't stop shaking until this afternoon and all of this happened around 8:30 this morning.

Bones isn't totally out of the woods, we have to keep a close eye on him for the next few days. We aren't sure how long he was without air, and his neck looks swollen as well as it's obvious he's in a lot of pain (thank goodness for a few pain pills left from Seamus's surgery in August, you know, from when my neighbor's dogs tore him up.)



20160126

I'm overwhelmed again. Not sleeping. Freaking out over little things. Trying my hardest to stay on top of things and failing miserably. Finally feeling a little better after a long drawn out illness, but mentally broken from it.

I need a break. I can't take one. I need a moment to myself, it won't happen.
I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm having a hard time keeping myself going.

I'm worried about my oldest.
I'm worried about my health.
I'm worried about...
I'm worried...
I'm...

Struggling.

It'll get better. That's the great thing about having been through this before, I know I've day I'll wake up and this strange scary image stuck in my head will be gone. The tears that can't seem to fall with evaporate. I'll breath again. And I'll laugh. And I'll feel good.

And this will be a distant memory.

20160104

2016

It's the first day back to school for the new year.
I'm so glad because the weather is messy and the younger two were bored. I'm sick, though dealing fairly well with it. Yesterday seemed to be the worst day so far and I do feel better today.

I'm lonely. I miss my friends, I miss the Monday breastfeeding meetings at the mall, I miss the community I had in SV. Just like I missed DMS when we moved from Phoenix.

Trying to find myself again here has been hard. We've pretty much had one person or another sick since we moved in November.

But let's do a quick run down of everyone in the house.

Rhayn is settling in to school here. Though she misses her boyfriend, we make sure they still get to see each other once in a while. She's totally into Harley Quinn and Batman at the moment and binge watching shows on her phone.

Gwen loves our new neighbors, an older couple who let her come over and help take care of their horses every day. She is over there almost every day at between 4-4:30. On the weekends she sometimes spends the whole day there. She is great with horses and I'm glad we don't need to get her her own.

Natalie made a friend, she lives in the house behind us. She's the same age as Natalie. So hopefully they'll go to kindergarten together next year. Natalie has discovered the joy of Nintendo. She loves playing games with Gwen and daddy.

Abi is still my snuggle buddy. Though I'm slowly weaning her because I get anxious when she's on me all day. She loves to play farm and makes silly voices for her animals. Maybe I have no idea what she's saying, but it's a lot of fun to listen anyway.


20151121

It's hard to watch your child's heart break.  You can't do anything, just tell them you love them. Tell them that you are there if they need you. And wait and hope it's something little and that they'll talk to you later.

Watching your child make mistakes is almost as hard. But you have to let them, you have to stand by and allow them to live their life.

Parenting has so many ups and downs.

And it's exhausting.


Especially when you are already feeling depressed because it's your birthday (tomorrow)  and its going unnoticed.

20151027

Less than a week left in our Sierra Vista home. I'm feeling so many different things.

But mostly I'm hopeful that after we get moved in I'll calm down. I'm mentally a mess. I'm tired of everyone and I want a break. I need a break. But I don't yet see it happening.

My stress level is so high, I'm not being the mom I want to be. I'm mean. I tell far too much. I have told my kids I needed to be left alone so many times that I can't remember. I don't like myself right now.

It has to get better.
It will get better.
I'll figure out a way for it to be better. Once we move, I will be a better mom.
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