18 years

Dear Rhayn,

Today you turned 18 years old. Today you became an adult. How did this happen so fast? I am sitting here trying to figure out where time went and I'm just stunned.

This birthday is hitting me so hard. I mean, you've been so responsible lately and have always been such an old soul, that I know you'll rock this adult thing, but I'm still not ready.

I miss my little girl, my Rhayny-day. I miss your stories and silly songs.

This year you've been attending college during your senior year, taking advantage of the school districts new early college program. It's been prefect for you, because you're much more mature than the average senior. I think in many ways, you are more mature than I am even now. 

I really can't wait to see where you go in life. I know you are already making better choices than I ever did.

Keep it up, kiddo, you have the world stretched out in front of you.



7 weeks out

7 weeks out from my surgery. I still spend most of my days sitting in my la-z-boy recliner. It sucks.
I am  having my second period and it increases my pain so much. Cramps and a spinal fusion are not a good combination! I want to curl into a ball and cry. But I can't. I can't even take anything for it at the moment because I have to pick Gwen up from school later.
I should be walking more than I am, I wish I could. But it keeps being cold and I just want to sit in my chair under blankets.
Our bed causes me pain. I wake up hurting if I sleep in bed, but if I sleep on the couch I wake up in no pain. I hate it. I'm trying to remove my mattress topper tonight to see if that helps. I really hope it does because I don't like being in pain (who does, that's a stupid thing to write.)

My brain feels like mush most days. I sit here wishing for someone to talk to, but I have nothing to say. I have time to write, but words aren't flowing. I gave way too much time to think and no energy to do anything that would be helpful. I can do a load of laundry but then I'm done. Today I made bread and cleaned a toilet, because I'm already in pain I figured it wouldn't hurt me more.

Everything is out of hand in the house. Messes and dirt and clutter.

The tv is always on. But I don't really watch it. I'm watching Charmed, just because I need something on and I don't really have to watch it every second. I stare at the messes and wish I could clean.

I should be starting physical therapy soon. I hope. It'll at least give me something I can do. I'll try and stretch my legs, my muscles are so tight and everything is uncomfortable.

I can not say this is worth it yet. In fact, so far it's been the  opposite. This has to be the hardest thing physically I've ever done.



My sweet Bee will be repeating kindergarten. I know it's best for her, but there are things that make me sad about it.
1. I could have kept her home with me for another year.
2. Her friends will move on.
3. She's going to be heart broken.

I know she'll get over it.



I'm 4 days post surgery. These last few days have been awful. The first day was the worst! I found out I can not handle diluadid. It makes me puke and Percocet makes me so dizzy I couldn't even sit up to eat.
My surgeon said that the vertebra was very wiggly and I should have a lot of relief after it all heals.
This part though? It is miserable.


In just a few days I will have a spinal fusion. I'm terrified. I have read everything I can about that surgery and recovery. I'm having nightmares about it, including this dream that the army decided that I would have surgery on base and it turned out to be a tent hospital and my surgeon was Keanu Reeves. Then Ray decided to break up with me but wouldn't let me have surgery in a tent.
Every night it is something else. I can not wait until I'm past the surgery and beginning to recover. I keep thinking of all of the things I'll be able to do in 6 months. Maybe I will be able to start doing yoga again. Maybe I'll be able to stand in the kitchen baking all day without pain. Maybe I'll be able to hike again without pain.


I really hope that by next year I'm not stuck in this land of depression any more. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm about to snap.
I know I need to do a few things, like turn of my device and step away from computers and tv. I know that will help.
But then I'm in pain if I do too much, so I find myself back on my phone, on my butt on my chair in front of the tv.

I hate the way I feel. I don't want to have this sinking feeling anymore. I can't even put it into words, because I'm so lost.

So many other words that mean the same thing.

I know I'm making the right choice with surgery. But it doesn't make me me afraid.


Surgery thoughts

Monday I see my primary care doctor to get medical clearance so that my surgeon's office will schedule the surgery.

The reality of the surgery is causing me so much anxiety. I am not sure how to deal with it. I'm trying to think of all of the things that I hope for after surgery.

1. To stop taking most medicine, especially on a daily basis. To get back to taking smaller doses of ibuprofen since I won't be able to take it for a long while, and I'm basically living on it right now.
2. To be able to hike again without paying for it.
3. Being able to be active for more than one day in a row without paying for it. To be able to do yard work,  garden, paint.
4. To get in shape- to join a gym and get my body back to where I used to be, and hopefully-even better. I know I'll never run with Ray but maybe we can bike together eventually. Maybe we'll be like my aunt Connie and her hubby.
5. To dance without pain.

I know what I want in life, after the surgery, will take a long time, many months and maybe even more than a year, but I also know that if I stay like I am I'm going to slip into a worse place, and end up depressed and alone. I don't want the life I'm living right now to be my forever. 



Relationship length: 18.5 years
Married: 15.5 years
Who’s older: him
Age difference: 4 months
Who’s taller: Him
Worst temper: me
Most sensitive: This one
Loudest: neither
Funniest: him
Most stubborn: well... me
Falls asleep first: him. My brain keeps me awake at night
Cooks better: both
Sweet tooth: both
Better singer: him
Best dancer : me
Most adventurous: depends...
Most organized: me
Stresses the most: he
Dresses the best: he does, but it's so much easier to dress as a man.
Most protective: neither
Glued to their phone the most: I want to say him, but I'm not innocent.
Best person with money: Him
Best driver: I think I am
Has the most clothes: toss up


I don't know what is wrong with me.
Well I know what is physically wrong, but I feel so  mentally messed up right now.
I was super excited earlier, because I leveled up in Pokemon Go! today. And I couldn't wait to tell R. Then he got home and I have retreated inside myself, I can't figure out what is wrong, or why I feel like this.
I feel so anxious.



Yesterday I went to the bathroom and when I stood up I realized I felt a buzzing/humming sensation in my pubic bone. I also realized I've felt it before recently. The feeling is like when you have your phone on vibrate in your pocket, and it goes off while you are walking around. Not like the feeling of holding it against your leg. It's not as intense. I've been feeling this all down my right leg, or it feels lot water is pouring down my leg, or it feels hot or cold, but not to the touch, just to me.

It worries me. Because it's a new, not uncommon, symptom of spondylolisthesis, and it is much more worrisome than many. Losing sensation in the saddle area is the beginning of a condition called cauda equina syndrome. I could end up permanently losing bladder and bowl control and having a permanent loss of sensation in that whole area. That scares me. I'm only 40, I don't want to get to that point.

So Monday morning, I'm going to call the surgeon and schedule an appointment to discuss have a spinal fusion (to schedule the surgery). I had planned to wait until Abi started 1st grade (next year) but I don't think that's in my best interest anymore. I'm just going to have to accept that this is going to happen. And hope that it will be for the best.


I'm so scared.
I'm scared of the surgery.
I'm scared of the pain killers.
I'm scared it will not make it better.
I'm just scared.

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