Illness. I'm so over it.

Monday morning, the sun wasn't even up, but the plugged duct in my breast hurt. I felt awful, but got up and went about my day. By 9am I knew it was a day to rest. So I set myself up on the couch and told Nat I was feeling ill.
My abdomen hurt, painful like period cramps, mixed with gas, and queasiness on top and add in muscle pain. It radiated all around the lower part of my abdomen.
Today morning I woke up, not feeling much better. My breast was red and swollen. Dr visit.
Antibiotics, 10 days.
Wednesday I went to the LLL meeting, and took the girls to Target. But felt like I was going to pass out most of the time.
By that night the abdominal pain was so bad, it seemed to be mostly in the left upper part. I figured it was kidney stones, but found someone to watch the littles the next day, if it still hurt, so I could take myself to the emergency room.
Thursday, still hurt. 5 hours in the ER. Nothing's wrong that they could find. Finally sent on my way, with a drug to take. I choose not to take it.
Friday, feeling better, but still not 100%. I made it through the day.
Saturday, woke with the worst headache. It's not a migraine, is like a rubber band wrapped around my head. Medication makes it tolerable. In the evening about 6, Abi in the bath, she started to vomit. It's now 9 and she's thrown up 6 times.
I foresee a long night of vomit in my future. I just wish my head didn't hurt.



Dear friend,
Why do you need to apologize for everything?
Why the hashtag "sorry, not sorry".
Why do you spend your time saying " Sorry for the messy, no makeup selfie."

Maybe it's my personal pet peeve, I'm sick of reading the apologies from my female friends on Facebook all of the time.

There are reasons to apologize, there are valid reasons to say "I'm sorry". But not wearing makeup is not one of them.

And "Sorry, not sorry " just make me want to scream. What does that even mean? I can't even figure it out!

Maybe it's just a reason for me to get off of Facebook and live my life.

I'm off to play with my kids. I'm not going to say I'm sorry for that.


Abi fell off of the edge of the trampoline. She looks like she was in a car accident.
Hopefully this heals quickly. Because she looks awful and feels bad as well. 


Today you would have been 94.

Last year for your 93rd birthday, your whole family gathered near, and even though you were in hospice and not actually at your party, I'm sure you felt the love that filled your house.
This year, you're birthday falls on Easter. I'm glad, because of what Easter is a celebration of.
He died and was resurrected. You died and will be resurrected as well, because of my faith I know this is true.

But, it doesn't make me miss you less. It doesn't feel like it's been almost a year that you've been gone.

Missing you always and loving you forever.


Natalie is four

Dear Natalie,

Today you turned four. Though for weeks you've been telling people you were turning 5, because you'd count "1, 2, 3, 5!"

Grandma and Grandpa and some cousins were visiting this weekend so you had a birthday morning full of family. They gave you gifts that you loved. Though when asked, your favorite present was a pack of gum I gave you. Silly girl.

You and I went to lunch and saw a movie (Cinderella). You weren't a huge fan of the movie. But it was really nice to have time with just you.

You can almost write your name, you know most of the letters, and write "N" and "A" on everything. When we count you can count to 10, even though you sometimes skip 4. You buckle yourself into your carseat and get mad when I try to help. Naps are a thing of the past, but some days you still need one, and I fight with you. Occasionally you take car naps (5-15 minutes). I miss my afternoon quiet time, but you napped longer than Rhayn or Gwen.

Natalie, I love you so very much. I love that you are four now, four is a fun age. Though you are also very stubborn. Just like your mama!

You've been weaned for a few months, but Abi still nurses quite a lot. So sometimes I can see in your eyes that you wish you could. Sometimes I express milk for you into a cup and you like that. But mostly you seem to remember it fondly.



15 years

Today I've known him for 15 years.

Here are 15 things I love about him.
1. His drive for a better life.
2. His passion for doing things himself.
3. Watching him hold our babies, even when they aren't babies anymore.
4. His eyes, the color and intensity of them (though his scowl sometimes I don't love so much.)
5. His singing. He has a great voice.
6. His hugs.
7. His sense of fashion (so much better than mine!)
8. And the way he looks all dressed up for work on the weekdays.
9. And the way he looks on the weekends, dressed down.
10. When he cooks, if I'm not feeling well. The way he makes "clean out the fridge" food. And it's almost always amazing.
11. Watching him teach our girls, whether it's something little, or big. He's a good teacher.
12. His love of learning.
13. His convictions.
14. His sense of duty.
15. His love.


typical depression

Feeling depressed is miserable.
I know I'll feel better soon, I know it'll end and I'll feel good again. But until then?
While I'm in the depths of despair and feeling like everything is wrong? It's hard to see the light.

Maybe writing down the thoughts will help? My oldest and one of her good friends are no longer friends. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but last weekend, she told me that they are no longer friends, with tears in her eyes. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much.

My second oldest doesn't really have any good friends. She's 9 and didn't have a best friend. She's friends with all of the kids in her class but none are ever invited for play dates or sleep overs. I'm trying to get her into things, like 4H but she's still not made any friends.

We've been sick for what feels like forever. I've been stuck at home, unable to do my normal things, because I am sick and the kids are sick. I'm tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of everyone in our house bring short tempered. I'm tired. Plain and simple.

Natalie and Abi are fighting a lot, because they are kids.
I'm sad because I only have girls. I'm sad because we are done having babies. I'm sad because babies are 100% easier than teenagers. I'm sad because this month is already more than half way over. I'm sad because we will be in this house for a long time, even though we looked at having a house built, we'll be making this one work for much longer. I'm sad because Will didn't realize I needed some alone time today. I'm sad because I'm worried about my parents, especially my dad. I'm sad because this is all getting to me and I can't get over it. I'm sad because it kept me awake last night. I'm sad because I'm getting old and I feel frumpy, I look in the mirror and see someone I don't love at the moment. I'm sad because Gwen came to be and told me that she's sad and doesn't know how she'll ever feel happy. I'm sad that my 9 year old is sad. I'm sad because. . .

And I really need a nice date night/lunch with my husband. It was so nice when we went out and walked around for my birthday. I wish we could do that more often. Our anniversary is coming up in a month, I'd like to plan something for it, but what? I feel guilty being away from the kids for more than a few hours, I am not ready to leave Abi over night. I can't believe we've been married this long. I really am glad, we make such a good team. We have made some really great kids, too.

I think I just needed to let this all out.


goodbye Dark Chocolate

Just over a week ago, gathered in my second oldest daughter's room, we said goodbye to our guinea pig, Dark Chocolate.
He was almost 4, a good age for a guinea pig.

He started seizing, and we held him close, trying to give comfort, while he passed on.
He jerked uncontrollably, and our hands, stroked lightly on his dark brown head.
He stopped seeing, and with whispered prayers, our hands still testing softly on him, we said goodbye.
He gasped, and tears came easily.

In the moments after his body finally relaxed, Gwen cried while her dad held her.
Natalie wanted to see Dark Chocolate, and we gently allowed her to see his body. She was worried about him being cold. But then, maybe remembering a funeral less than a year ago, her eyes filled with tears. And she cried, and her dad held her as well.

Our house has been quieter since then. We all miss his squeaking.
He was such a nice pet, soft, loved to be held, loved his carrots and celery.

It's in the still moments, when I'm chopping veggies for soup, when making a salad, when we would have give him the bits left from the preparing of food, that I feel sad.

He is missed.


Abi 19 month newsletter

Dear Abi,

Monday you turned 19 months old. I took one picture of you, because I was very busy during the day.

Some time in the last few weeks, your language blossomed and you started making sentences. You babble constantly and talk to every thing and every one.

You also have your top left canine but it's barely broken through. Hopefully the others come fast, because that tooth made you one miserable toddler! Fingers in your mouth, fussing and crying. It was miserable for you (and me!)

You  spend most of your time trying to keep up with Natalie. And really besides the talking, not much has changed with you since you were 18 months.

Earlier today Natalie has a barrette in her hair and offered to put it in mine. You wanted it in yours. You kept asking and punting to your head. Dear girl, you haven't enough hair to hold a barrette! It fell right out. But for about 5 seconds you were so excited about the pretty in your hair!

Darling girl, you need to slow down just a little. I'm not ready for you to stop being a baby.




I'm choosing a word for 2015.
A word that I hope will give me a place to start to make myself better.
This year is about BELIEVE.

I'll believe in myself.
I'll believe in others.
I'll believe in my children.
I'll believe in my ability to be a better me.

I'd really like to thank my mom, for giving me "believe" this year.
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