I really hope that by next year I'm not stuck in this land of depression any more. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm about to snap.
I know I need to do a few things, like turn of my device and step away from computers and tv. I know that will help.
But then I'm in pain if I do too much, so I find myself back on my phone, on my butt on my chair in front of the tv.

I hate the way I feel. I don't want to have this sinking feeling anymore. I can't even put it into words, because I'm so lost.

So many other words that mean the same thing.

I know I'm making the right choice with surgery. But it doesn't make me me afraid.


Surgery thoughts

Monday I see my primary care doctor to get medical clearance so that my surgeon's office will schedule the surgery.

The reality of the surgery is causing me so much anxiety. I am not sure how to deal with it. I'm trying to think of all of the things that I hope for after surgery.

1. To stop taking most medicine, especially on a daily basis. To get back to taking smaller doses of ibuprofen since I won't be able to take it for a long while, and I'm basically living on it right now.
2. To be able to hike again without paying for it.
3. Being able to be active for more than one day in a row without paying for it. To be able to do yard work,  garden, paint.
4. To get in shape- to join a gym and get my body back to where I used to be, and hopefully-even better. I know I'll never run with Ray but maybe we can bike together eventually. Maybe we'll be like my aunt Connie and her hubby.
5. To dance without pain.

I know what I want in life, after the surgery, will take a long time, many months and maybe even more than a year, but I also know that if I stay like I am I'm going to slip into a worse place, and end up depressed and alone. I don't want the life I'm living right now to be my forever. 



Relationship length: 18.5 years
Married: 15.5 years
Who’s older: him
Age difference: 4 months
Who’s taller: Him
Worst temper: me
Most sensitive: This one
Loudest: neither
Funniest: him
Most stubborn: well... me
Falls asleep first: him. My brain keeps me awake at night
Cooks better: both
Sweet tooth: both
Better singer: him
Best dancer : me
Most adventurous: depends...
Most organized: me
Stresses the most: he
Dresses the best: he does, but it's so much easier to dress as a man.
Most protective: neither
Glued to their phone the most: I want to say him, but I'm not innocent.
Best person with money: Him
Best driver: I think I am
Has the most clothes: toss up


I don't know what is wrong with me.
Well I know what is physically wrong, but I feel so  mentally messed up right now.
I was super excited earlier, because I leveled up in Pokemon Go! today. And I couldn't wait to tell R. Then he got home and I have retreated inside myself, I can't figure out what is wrong, or why I feel like this.
I feel so anxious.



Yesterday I went to the bathroom and when I stood up I realized I felt a buzzing/humming sensation in my pubic bone. I also realized I've felt it before recently. The feeling is like when you have your phone on vibrate in your pocket, and it goes off while you are walking around. Not like the feeling of holding it against your leg. It's not as intense. I've been feeling this all down my right leg, or it feels lot water is pouring down my leg, or it feels hot or cold, but not to the touch, just to me.

It worries me. Because it's a new, not uncommon, symptom of spondylolisthesis, and it is much more worrisome than many. Losing sensation in the saddle area is the beginning of a condition called cauda equina syndrome. I could end up permanently losing bladder and bowl control and having a permanent loss of sensation in that whole area. That scares me. I'm only 40, I don't want to get to that point.

So Monday morning, I'm going to call the surgeon and schedule an appointment to discuss have a spinal fusion (to schedule the surgery). I had planned to wait until Abi started 1st grade (next year) but I don't think that's in my best interest anymore. I'm just going to have to accept that this is going to happen. And hope that it will be for the best.


I'm so scared.
I'm scared of the surgery.
I'm scared of the pain killers.
I'm scared it will not make it better.
I'm just scared.


I hate my back. I hate pretending I'm ok and then being smacked down with pain and numbness because I've over done it.

Feeling unstable and in pain when I'm standing up in the kitchen, so I sit down and I can't get comfortable because of the zaps down my leg and I just want to cry because I can't even sit comfortably anymore.

I'm trying to be positive and not post woe is me bull crap on Facebook. But I don't feel positive, so I just post nothing.



After some soul searching and lots of discussion, we've decided to go ahead with the surgery. Now the next step will be figuring out how to fit it into our life.

I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified, but if it gives me back my life? My ability to clean the house without this pain I've got right now? That will be worth it.


There is something about death,
It hits you in the gut,
Knocks you down,
You think of everything that you wish you had said,
And you are reminded of them,
In the little things.
The wind blows,
And you remember their voice.
As your heart breaks
Knowing you will no longer pass them on the street,
Never again say "hello, how are you"
Never again hear their stories.
And your eyes fill,
Once again,
With tears.
Tears for all of those in their life who were closer than you,
Hoping they have no regrets.


Today is a bad pain day. I over did it yesterday, so my right leg is weak and my toes are numb and my back aches so much. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know what to do.

Make up and hair has been my outlet lately. 


Chronic pain, second opinions, and drugs

You know, I never really gave chronic pain much thought before. I suppose that until you have it, no one really does think about it much.

These days I think of chronic pain all off the time, because I'm suffering from it. I feel ok in the morning, and so I go about my day. I often over do it, like I did today. So I end up with nerve impingement. Pins and needles all up and down my right leg. It feels like water being poured down my leg, warmth or burning on the outside of my right foot. Crampong in my calf.  And worst of all, a feeling of weakness in my foot.  

And so I spend hours and hours reading about the condition I have. Success stories from surgeries. Reasons not to get the surgery, reasons to get it. Around and around I go in the merry-go-round of spondy information. I feel like I'm spinning from it all, and still I don't know what to do. 

I'm tryng to get a second opinion, from an orthopaedic surgeon who specializes in the spine. But since he's a second opinion, I have his hoops to jump through tio see him. (Including getting a referral from my primary care doctor.)

I also need to get in to see a pain doctor, which I'm scared of, but I don't have to take opioids, I'm just hoping three are other options for me.

And now I need to go make dinner so I can go to bed early in hopes of stopping the nerve pain today.

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