Gratitude

Weekly Gratitude

~Will is home from his Army Training. Thank goodness because it was hard when he wasn't home. 

~Rhayn was a huge help to me, and I let her go to her friend's house for the weekend. I'm not really sure I would be functioning at all if she weren't here.

~Gwen was sick on Saturday but it was short lived and by Sunday she was all better. And in a great mood. 

~Natalie loves her baby sister so much. She wants to hold her all of the time and will talk to her. She also likes to tell me when she is crying or making any sort of noise- like squeaks. Natalie will say "baby say 'eeck'" and it is so cute. 

~Abby is a decent sleeper. In fact at night she will sleep for 4 hours at a time. I wake up more often than she does. 

Silent Sunday

This is a huge struggle. I need to rest, I had a baby 1 week ago. My body aches by the end of the day. I am a mess emotionally. The kids aren't being badly behaved but I can't take it. I want to cry.

Rhayn is taking on so much. But I still need more. I can't expect much more from her. And I feel like a horrible person because at night I am trying to relax so I put myself to bed, and then I yell at them from my room. But it hurts to get up too quickly. Sure I didn't tear but other things aren't "right" yet.

Today I spent far too much time up and out of the house. Consequently my body is in a sorry state this evening. I want to take a bath, but I can't expect Rhayn to watch all 3 of her sisters. And Gwen is in a mood this evening- totally wound up and running in circles. Not being bad- no, she just has so much energy but it is hot outside so she isn't getting enough exercise.

I am over this feeling of sadness. I am tired of feeling like I failed Abby. Like I've failed all of my kids. Like I am failing at everything. I don't really think I am failing at it, but I feel like I am.

And I can barely form sentences. And I NEED to clean the house. But my body says "not tonight".

Thoughts on Abby's birth (but still I haven't emotionally processed it)

What a week this has been! Last Monday Will left at 2am for Army duty. Then in the evening he signed the papers to officially sell our house in Phoenix. (YAY!)

Gratuitous baby Abby pictures! 

Tuesday morning I thought was just another routine day. I thought I would go to the hospital for my NST and BPP, have that hour to myself and come home.  But that wasn't to be (as you all know). Tuesday turned into a circus and was so busy, even though I was strapped to monitors the entire time. I spent the entire day from 10am on worried but knowing that this was why I had stayed with the OB. I have no idea what would have happened to Abby if I had kept seeing the midwife and tried to have her at home. I haven't looked up what happens to a baby in the womb with no fluid (oligohydramnios). Ok I just looked it up. But most of what I found only discusses that as an isolated incident. I had weeks of my levels going down and using the AFI (amniotic fluid index) they break up the uterus into quadrants and measure each area. There should be 5 cm or more of fluid, I had less than 1, at 37 weeks 2 days.

If that were the only issue- just low fluid, they would have hooked me up to an IV and given me so much fluid I could barely walk. But since Abby also failed her BPP (bio physical profile which measures the baby's breathing, movement, tone and heart and scores them 0-8). The baby has 30 minutes to roll over or to move more than just a little foot wiggle. Abby wiggled her foot 1 time that entire 30 minutes. It was a very long 30 minutes!

I think my induction had more to do with the failed BPP in combination with the low amniotic fluid. It wasn't one or the other. And don't forget she was tachycardic for 20 minutes when we first were hooked up to the monitor. Her heart rate was really high and didn't drop for 20 minutes. That combination of factors made even me feel like induction was best. Something wasn't right. We may never know what it was. It is possible that my placenta was getting ready to detach. Maybe I was getting ready to have pre-eclampsia, my blood pressure was rising slowly each week something it hadn't done in previous pregnancies. (Of course having your blood pressure taken in the calm comforting office of a lovely midwife or the cold sterile office of an OB might have been the difference. But I also had that panic attack a few weeks ago.)

We may never know. But Abby is here, she seems very healthy.

Yesterday she had her first doctor's appointment. She has lost a little weight- down to 5 pounds 12 ounces, but I was loaded up with fluids at the hospital and sometimes that can affect the baby's weight. She is still 19.5 inches long and her head was 13 inches in circumference. She looked a little yellow to the doctor and myself so we had her bilirubin levels checked (9.1) which were fine. She seems to be pooping and peeing well. But has a very red bottom. I want to get her into cloth diapers as soon as possible, but I don't have any tiny ones and I didn't get any that would accommodate her umbilical cord stump. I may attempt to put one on her today anyway, with no cover. We'll see. She's just so slim right now. I know she would have likely bulked up inside had she had 3 more weeks to put on weight.

I also took her out yesterday to the breastfeeding support group we attend on Mondays. It was nice to see my friends there, and to get out of the house for a little while, but I felt like a zombie. There were questions asked about the best advice a new breastfeeding mom gets, and I drew a blank. I finally came up with "It will probably hurt when you start nursing your baby" because it has with all of mine. It hurts for a short time then the pain goes away. Usually the first few moments when they latch on. Natalie hurt longer.

The house is waking up now. My sister and her 3 girls are here as well as my mom and dad. It is a full house, but I am grateful for them being here. I wish Will was home instead. I can't wait for him to come home next week. But for now, I am grateful for what I have.

Today she is 3 days old (at 1pm). Today my milk is coming in, I woke with breasts so heavy they ache as I walk to use the restroom and brew a pot of coffee. Today she seems to have really gotten the hang of nursing, too. She roots and gets so excited when I pick her up to nurse, her body wiggling happily.

Today she has pooped through so many diapers, and she really hates being changed. Her poops are slowly becoming less meconium. Each time it makes me a little sad, just because she is already changing. Last night, Natalie was sleeping with us and when I changed Abby at 2am her cries woke Natalie up who then cried because she wanted to "snuggle you mama!" I think Natalie needs to sleep with her sisters, because she likes that, too. And n baby will wake her in the night in their rooms.

Today I am awake before 6am, just holding and feeding my sweet baby. I don't feel as miserable in the morning, my hormones are calm after a night of sleep. Even though My arms ache  from holding her in the night because "she is just so tiny" and she likes to sleep on my chest. It makes it so much easier to wake with her slightest cue of hunger.

Her eyes are scrunched up tightly, not a bit of eyelashes can be seen. And I just want to spend my day kissing her sweet, tiny face.
 

Post Partum Ramblings.

Abby is 2 days old. I am, as expected feeling overwhelming sadness. She is nursing right now and I am trying to feel alright. Physically I am doing really well. Pushing a tiny 6 pound baby who was positioned nicely inside is easier on a person than a nearly 9 pound baby who was attempting to present sideways.

I feel tears welling up but can't seem to let them out. I did cry for a little while last night but not enough, not nearly enough.

I am sad about Abby's birth. No I'm not sad to be holding her and I'm not disappointed about her at all, but being induced and not having a natural birth made me sad. I feel like I failed her. My body wasn't being as nice to her as it was to her sisters, allowing them to bake until they were fully ready.

She looks pretty much how I expected her to look (mostly like Gwen, and Gwen was super cute after she put on some fat). But Abby is so very tiny. I can't tell if her eyes will be blue or brown. We originally planned to call her Hannah or Abby based on her eyes (Abigail for brown eyes, Hannah if they were blue, just as a way to pick one because both names were really nice and had been on the list for Gwen and Natalie). I assume her eyes will turn blue, but we'll see. She has no eyelashes at all, and her little bit of hair is light brown.

I know that all of the feelings I have going through me are because of hormones. And I know I need to kick myself in the butt and STOP cleaning. I missed out on nesting. I missed out on the uncontrollable NEED to clean and organize. Instead my body was forced to go into labor. Though there was an uncontrollable need Monday night for me to wash her clothes and pack a hospital bag (I'd put it off until then).

Me, 2 days post partum. 150 pounds. I was pumped up with so much fluid at the hospital that I am still puffy from it.

I am sitting in my bed. Pillows propping my laptop up and Abby sleeping high up on my chest so I can lean in and kiss her when I want to. I can't nap, because Natalie won't take a nap. I thought she would so I sent my mom off with the other two girls to go see a movie. I want to sleep. I want to shower again, I want to cry. I've changed Natalie's poopy diaper 2 times, Abby pooped once (and she cries like I am hurting her when I change her! Plus meconium is hard to wipe off).

I love that I can pee without pain. I am so glad to not be in as much pain as I was after Natalie. But because of that... I'm not taking it as easy as I should be. I need to slow down. Forcing myself to lay here in my bed and watch television (or Netflix) is really hard to do. I really have to force myself to stay here. 

Abigail "Abby" Hannah

5 pounds 15.6 ounces (hospital called it 6 pounds even) 

19.5 inches long

Born June 5th, 2013 at 13:03

Birth Story

Tuesday morning I drove to town for my NST and BPP. Just like I'd been doing for 3 weeks. On the way a friend called and we had a nice chat. I walked in to the triage thinking I'd be leaving around 11:30 and would have no trouble getting Rhayn to her summer camp at 12:30.

But life had other plans.

Immediately upon hook-up to the monitors something was off. Baby's heart was racing. It stayed around 220 for 20 minutes before finally settling down to her normal (135ish when resting with some 180s accelerations.) I was already worried at that point but thought it was just the small cup of coffee I'd had that morning that was making her really excited (the nurse's words). I was given a bag of fluids via IV during the 45 minutes I was hooked up. When it was time for the ultrasound part of the testing the nurse took the IV line out of my hand (she was told to put in a hep-loc just in case).

Veronica, the ultrasound tech (or whatever her title is) came and got me and we joked all the way back to the sonography room. My hand was bleeding pretty heavily when we got to the room so she called the nurse to come change my gauze. Then she gelled up my belly and immediately said "This isn't good there is almost no fluid. Baby has a full bladder but even with that, she doesn't have enough fluid in there. They'll probably admit you and load you up with fluids" then she continued the bio-physical profile, checking all of the other things that Baby Girl usually passed with flying colors and within moments. Baby didn't move. She moved her foot only but that wasn't the type of movement Veronica needed. "Baby's got 30 minutes on the clock, if she doesn't move she will fail this test and most likely you'll be having a baby today." After 15 minutes I was allowed to go pee (in hopes that my bladder being empty would make Baby move.) After that were 15 of the longest minutes. But she didn't move and thus failed the BPP.

I headed back to the triage room, and was hooked back up to the monitors. The nurses came in and talked to me about what was likely to happen but that they would be talking to Misty (the midwife) and Dr. K and they would decide that to do.

I texted Rhayn, my mom and Will. Told them all what was up and waited. At around 1pm I was admitted. I was taken back to a room and told to put on a gown. But they still hadn't told me what the plan was. At that point they were talking about just loading me up with IV fluids and keeping me overnight. Or induction. I wasn't there very long before Misty came in and said that they wanted to induce me because having almost no fluid was a very bad thing. She checked me, I was 1 cm dilated and had a very long thin cervix, not very favorable for labor or induction. At this point Will was already on his way home from Phoenix, and I had my parents on their way as well. I called Will to let him know that they would be for sure inducing me.

They decided to put cervadil in and it would be taken out around 4am with pitocin started at 5am. My mom and dad arrived at 4. They had already been out to the house to check on the girls and drop off their dog at our house. Will arrived around 5 and he came home to change and eat dinner. I was given a meal at the hospital because once contractions started (or after the pitocin) I wouldn't be able to eat anything but jello, broth and juice.

My parents took the girls out for dinner then brought them in to see me. And after they left Will and I settled in for the evening watching Food Network's show "Chopped". Sometime in the night I started having regular contractions, as long as I stayed  off my side. They hurt a little, like period cramps. But I was scared of what the morning would bring. Because of the contractions I was given penicillin, because I had tested positive for Group B Strep.

I slept little. The nurse kept coming  in and checking on me, she kept having to move the monitor that was on Baby. Eventually morning came. And the night nurse came in one last time to take out the cervadil because they would start pitocin soon. (It was 5am at this point.)

Becky, the day nurse came in, she hooked up the pitocin and got it started. Almost immediately the slightly painful contractions  became hard to breath through. She had checked me before and I was still 1 cm and hardly effaced at all. She asked me what I wanted to do about pain management. I admitted that I would really like an epidural. The thought of induction scared me, and being at the hospital made me feel anxious. I didn't think there was anyway I would be able to relax enough to labor effectively.

About 10 minutes later, she came back in to check on me and between contractions I asked if I had to wait until 3 cm to get an epidural. "No, when we induce with pitocin you can get an epidural right away." I asked when I could get one, and she said she would go put in that order. Dr. K called at that time and said that he wanted to break my water before the epidural, and would be in at 7:30, it was 6am at that point.

I almost started crying. I asked her to ask him if we could do it the other way around. The contractions hurt and because Baby had failed the test the day before, I had to be hooked up to the monitors constantly. Becky consented as did  Dr. K. Within 30 minutes I had the epidural in and was feeling better. Except that the epidural took more on my left side, making me unable to move my left leg at all. I could move my right foot through it all. Oh and the catheter was sucky as well.

Dr. K came in and broke my water around 7:30, just like he said he would. There was barely any in there, though later I felt a little more gush out. I was 1.5 cm at that point and Dr. K said I was probably in for a very long day. Dr. C (the anesthesiologist) had accidently "wet tapped" me, meaning he had pushed the epidural in a little too far, because "You have a very skinny back". Because of that, he would come back much later at give me a blood block, to avoid a headache.

They slowly upped the pitocin in the drip since I could handle the contractions with the epidural. Before that they kept it at a 1 (?). 

At some point between 8am and 12 Becky checked me and I was 5/6 cm dilated.  She had been moving me, to the left side, to the right side, this weird position with me sitting up my legs sort of squatted below me. (This felt weird especially since I couldn't move my left leg and it felt like a giant dead sausage attached to me. Plus I kept bumping it with my right foot which I could feel.)

I labored comfortably until nearly lunch time. I started feeling really hot, and the shivering I had been experiencing all day was uncontrollable. And I could feel the contractions, but only in the lower right side. (The nurse called it a hot spot.)Will ate lunch and I tried not to throw up. I ate a little bit of jell-o and drank ginger ale. Becky came in. I told her how I felt and she helped me onto my right side and gave me the button to press for a little bit more of the epidural medicine. She told me that it should help but if it didn't she'd call Dr. C back in to adjust the epidural. She also gave me cold, wet clothes for my neck and head. I was dripping sweat at that point, and feeling very miserable. I was hardly holding myself together.

Becky came back in, and started preparing the room for birth. She had figured out that I was in transition and going fast. I thought it felt familiar (I wanted to give up, I was ready for my c-section). Baby's heart rate had a few decelerations during contractions, too.

I told her that I was really hurting. I could feel the baby moving down with each contraction at that point. She checked me and her eyes got wide, "That explains it, baby is right there! I can feel a little head with no hair." She started rushing a little more and telling me to let her know if I felt like I needed to poop or if I had any pressure down there. Soon there was 3 other nurses, one standing on my right side with sterile gloves on (just in case the doctor didn't make it).

Dr. K came in, and checked me, felt the baby's head and suited up. They didn't break down the bed just pulled my legs up and told me to push when I felt the next contraction. I was 1/2 way through one at that moment and pushed sort of 2 times. There was a pause while we waited for the next one and in 2 pushes her head was out. I leaned forward to see, then pushed just a little and she was out.

13:03. They cut her cord, and placed a tiny little vernix covered baby on my check. In a few minutes they took her to the warmer to check her vitals. She was 19.5 inches long and 5 pounds 15.6 ounces (they called her an even 6 pounds). Dr. K helped me deliver my placenta which was perfect. And informed me that I had no tears or anything (YAY!)

They gave her back to me, I pulled down my gown and put her on my chest. She didn't nurse right away, but eventually did latch on with her very tiny mouth.

This next while is a total blur. My lower half still felt weird. I had given myself a huge extra dose of the epidural medicine just before she was born (at 12:50) because I didn't know she was about to come out. I wasn't able to walk until 8pm.

My mom was there for the birth. She has come into town to drop Rhayn off at summer camp and was walking down the hallway when Will texted her to let her know that the baby was coming soon. She left  to get my dad, Gwen and Natalie to meet their new sister. Rhayn didn't get to meet her until after her class. Becky left for the day. I missed her, she was a really great nurse and gave me really great service.

They all left around 5 to get dinner and so my dad could drive home (my mom stayed to help out) because he had to work in the morning. Will and I settled in and had dinner. I couldn't eat much. And I really wanted to get up and go pee. He helped me (which I didn't realize was a no-no that the nurses wanted to help me out when I got up the first time, unfortunately I could not pee, so I just rinsed off, cleaned up and put on a new gown.

Around 9pm Dr. C came in to do the blood block, and after thoroughly explaining it to us a few times, he took blood from my hand and put it into the epidural space. To keep the spinal fluid from leaking out and causing the worst sort of headache, and to avoid me having to come back to the hospital later.

Then we all settled in for the night. The nurse came in and gave me ibuprofen at 10pm. Took my vitals,  took baby's vitals and we went to sleep. At 2am they took her to the nursery for a quick check and after that we didn't see a nurse until 6am.

Thoughts about Hospitals, birth, and packing

The day I had that really bad panic attack, the one that sent me to the ER because I felt so wrong, Will told me that I have spent more time in the hospital for this baby than any of the other kids.

Very true.

Rhayn was born in the hospital, and I had one "false alarm" labor night 3 weeks before she came.
Gwen was born at home, though I did go to the hospital for a couple of things- one day I didn't feel her move enough and to have her stubborn, breech butt turned. (After that I went to a place to have her fluid levels checked once a week until she was born.)
Natalie- never. Never in the hospital or ER or anything the entire time.
#4? at 18 weeks for spotting/cramping. At 35weeks 6 days for an anxiety attack. And for those silly NSTs 2 times a week.

I actually enjoy the NSTs because I get to sit there, quietly and watch tv. (I know I've mentioned that before). In fact I am getting ready to go right now and honestly I can not wait for that little bit of "me" time.

It is only day 2 of our 2 weeks without Daddy, and I am so not enjoying this time.

Last night I had a dream that I had a Cesarean section to get the baby out. Apparently there was something wrong with her or her position, and because they didn't figure it out early enough the best thing was to just give me a c-section. This was my first dream like that- ever. Though I have felt, on and off, that I may end up with one. I don't know why. It is just this odd feeling I keep having. I hope it is wrong and that the baby doesn't have something weird about her.

I am so tired. So very tired. Last night I could not fall asleep, so I did a load of baby clothes and packed a hospital bag (including clothes for this little one but not clothes for Will because he can come home and change.) I think I need to look at what is in my toiletries bag again. But honestly I'll probably only be there for 24 or so hours so it seems silly to pack a whole bunch of stuff that I likely won't use. But again... I don't know what I need and most anything I could "need" I can send someone to get for me. That is the beauty of this all.
 

37 weeks

I am 37 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks is "full term" of course I will likely have another 3-5 weeks to go. This is good because for the next 2 weeks I am a single mom while Will is away at training.

Today isn't a great day. I can feel my panic rising. I feel hot (duh, Arizona? Summer?) but more than that, I feel like the world is crushing me. Last week I spent time in the ER because of this feeling, so at least I am pretty sure there is nothing that can be done and I just have to wait it out. It is, however, exhausting. I am exhausted.

I am also very much ready to meet this wee one. I want to see her sweet face. I want to smell her neck and head. I want to hold her. Also I really want ME back. I want to eat without feeling sick. I want to enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning.