Gwen turns 10

Tomorrow sometime special turns 10. A while decade of Gwen.
I should wait until tomorrow to post about her, but I wanted to write out a few things.

Gwen's a pretty awesome kid. She's so obsessed with Pokémon at the moment, is fun watching her so enthralled with something.

Lately her moods have been more unpredictable. She is easily upset and feels sad a lot. Her anxiety seems better, for the most part, she isn't suffering from stomach aches like she was last year.
She is doing really well in school. She's great at math, and loves her teacher.
She still doesn't have a best friend, her one good friend is a year younger than she is, but they get along pretty well. I don't worry too much about it, especially since we're moving in about a month. She'll make plenty of friends then I think. She's so vivacious and fun. I don't think she'll struggle with the move.
Daddy being gone during the week is hard on her. He's almost always home for her birthday and he won't be this year. I want to make the day special for her, but I'm not even sure how. We tried to have a mini celebration on Sunday, but there was a tomato on her plate and she freaked out. She ate it eventually, and though she didn't like it, she admitted that the freak out wasn't worth it.
I'm taking cup cakes to her class tomorrow, I know she's excited about that. Of course they have Pokémon on them.


Haiku and moving

Motivation hits
But then an overwhelming
Feeling envelopes.

We are moving. We've put an offer on a house we love, it's been accepted. Today was the home inspection and it was all good, just little things that are simple fixes.

Tentative moving date, late October.

So for now, I really should start packing, but that's still about 6 weeks away. There are things to fix here, dry wall repairs to do and decisions to make.

I'm feeling so overwhelmed by all of it, I just can't wait for these next few months to be over.


We've put an offer on a house, and waiting to hear back is driving me crazy. Of course, Abi is sick as well, so I'm trying to make her feel better. But I just feel so anxious, waiting, waiting, waiting. 


trust issues

I fell asleep early last night, exhausted I dropped into bed.

At a little after 3am, I'm not exactly sure what woke me up, but there were people on my porch. So I got up, groaning because I knew what had happened. Once again, my late night wandering teenager was being brought home by the police. Sitting on the front porch talking to them, this time, giving them information for "next time" and them telling me they didn't think she was running away, but its possible.
They didn't catch her boyfriend, but I will for sure be calling his mom to talk to her again.

I am at my wits end here. I don't know what to do or say to her anymore.

How can you love someone so much, and put so much into them, and have them completely not care at all about you, your feelings and what their actions actually mean? How do we get to this point? To the point where there is no trust and any trust that was there is completely gone out of the window.

I am so overwhelmed by everything right now. I've spent the last few days trying to orchestrate  our move to Tucson, and trying to still be a good mom. Trying to stay on top of chores and house things, while still calling realtors and mortgage brokers and looking obsessively at houses over and over.

And poor Gwen, trudges along, she isn't being bad, or getting in trouble, so she shrinks into the background.

We need this move to be over, for our whole family.

I'm done.


Big changes are coming for our family again.
And I am terrified. I don't even know how to begin to process my feelings. I am having anxiety about it, of course. I look outside right now at my view and I want to cry, because I love it here.

Will I love it there? Will I miss my yard, my trees, my view? Will my girls be ok? Will we find a good home? Will this be a good move, like getting out of Phoenix was?

I'm not good with change, I used to be. But it freaks me out.

For now, I will simply remind myself to breathe, to take long slow breaths and relax, until I am ok again.


Hair today, gone tomorrow?

I'm obsessing about my hair.

Obsessively looking at pictures of pixie cuts on Pinterest and filing a board with cuts I like.
My hair feels like a weight holding me down, something I have to deal with every day, and not something I enjoy.
I've never been a great fixer of hair. Ask my girls. (God has a sense of humor, eh?) My hair styles range from a bun, to down, a half ponytail, or pigtails. Never anything fancy. I try fancy, but it's a fail and I end up, once again, with a messy bun.

I'm lucky enough that Will loves my hair in almost every style I've tried, not counting anything with straight across bangs, like Betty Paige. He mentioned that it makes my eyebrows like very prominent and not so great.

I know if I cut my hair, it will feel like a weight has been lifted. I'll feel lighter.
But I'll miss a few things I like about having longer hair- like my girls braiding it, and the curls I have.

Luckily running out first thing in the morning to get it cut isn't possible, so I'll just keep pinning pixie cuts on Pinterest, until I make a choice.


Mommy thoughts

Just a few days ago our baby turned two. For months I've been struggling with this feeling of sadness and like someone is missing from our family.
Of course, it's not a mutual feeling, but one I'm dealing with alone. I want to say that I'm coming to terms with our family as it is, that I'm totally OK with never having another child.
I want to say I'm 85% OK with it, most days. Like I think I will be OK, but right now I'm not. I don't even know how to explain this feeling.
I love our family, I love these kids and the life we have. I love where we are in life.
Always... But...
I've started trying to see the bright side of life with these four girls. To imagine where we'll be in a few years, when everyone is in school, and I can start my life again. Only I'm not sure I want that, I'm not sure what I want.
I've been a stay at home mom for so long, it feels like this is who I am. I mean, yes, I want to do something else with my life.
I'm just so lost.
And I'm tired of being sad.
And I'm tired if being tired.
And I'm tired of not knowing what I really want.
But I am afraid.
And unsure.

But I know, it'll all work out in the end.


Abi is two

Dear Abicot,

You are two today. We had a fun playdate with some of your little friends. Everyone had a great time catching chickens and petting goats. Grandma and Grandpa came down and brought some cousins, too. Loves of fun and good times.

You are so independent. You want to keep up with your sisters, and have started being able to put on your own shoes (or whomever's shoes you can find). The toilet has become your friend, and during the day when we're home, you are pretty consistent about  using it, especially to poop. I haven't had to change a poopy diaper in weeks. Even when we are out, you will let me know you need to go in enough time to get you to a toilet!

Your vocabulary is huge. Most of the time I know what you are trying to tell me. Sometimes its a little harder, but we figure it out. Some of the words you mispronounce make me giggle, like "lala" for lollipop, "nain" for blanket,

We play "where is your... body part" and you are very good at most of them. Which makes it easier when you are hurt to let me know where. You also are easily fixed with a simple mama or daddy kiss on the owie. You've also become obsessed with covering each owie you find with bandages.

The other day I saw a picture of a cheetah. I thought you would like it so I showed it to you. You covered your eyes with your hands and said "Scawee monser!" We looked at some more cheetah pictures, and only the ones that were facing the camera were "scawee" but you didn't like them.

A few weeks (maybe a month) ago, a very low flying Border patrol helicopter flew over our house. You were in the back yard with Natalie, playing. When you heard the loud noise, you booked it back in the house, telling me how scary it was. Loud noises startle you, I remember that even in the womb, when I was using a hammer, you'd jump. 

Things you love-
Daddy. You love hugging him when he's leaving for work. You'll run from anywhere in the house to make sure you can hug his legs before he goes. You are also upset when he's gone for Army duty.
Mama milk. I have been trying to night wean you, and its not gone well. Every time I try, you pull me tighter and ask more often. I'm ok with nursing you longer, but I'm tired and need more sleep.
Animals. You love our chickens and goats. Our little bottle-fed baby goat, Evening Star "Evie" is still small enough that you carry her all of the time. Since she's bottle-fed she loves people and you and her and best buddies as you explore the yard together. This makes me be outside more often than I used to be. I suppose its good, because it keeps me active and that helps with my depression.

Sisters. You adore your sisters.

I wish I could remember all of the adorable things you've been doing lately, to pause time for a few moments and just soak you up. But before I have a chance, you are off, doing the next time, reaching for the stars, the moon. And I'm still here, waiting for you to return.



Illness. I'm so over it.

Monday morning, the sun wasn't even up, but the plugged duct in my breast hurt. I felt awful, but got up and went about my day. By 9am I knew it was a day to rest. So I set myself up on the couch and told Nat I was feeling ill.
My abdomen hurt, painful like period cramps, mixed with gas, and queasiness on top and add in muscle pain. It radiated all around the lower part of my abdomen.
Today morning I woke up, not feeling much better. My breast was red and swollen. Dr visit.
Antibiotics, 10 days.
Wednesday I went to the LLL meeting, and took the girls to Target. But felt like I was going to pass out most of the time.
By that night the abdominal pain was so bad, it seemed to be mostly in the left upper part. I figured it was kidney stones, but found someone to watch the littles the next day, if it still hurt, so I could take myself to the emergency room.
Thursday, still hurt. 5 hours in the ER. Nothing's wrong that they could find. Finally sent on my way, with a drug to take. I choose not to take it.
Friday, feeling better, but still not 100%. I made it through the day.
Saturday, woke with the worst headache. It's not a migraine, is like a rubber band wrapped around my head. Medication makes it tolerable. In the evening about 6, Abi in the bath, she started to vomit. It's now 9 and she's thrown up 6 times.
I foresee a long night of vomit in my future. I just wish my head didn't hurt.



Dear friend,
Why do you need to apologize for everything?
Why the hashtag "sorry, not sorry".
Why do you spend your time saying " Sorry for the messy, no makeup selfie."

Maybe it's my personal pet peeve, I'm sick of reading the apologies from my female friends on Facebook all of the time.

There are reasons to apologize, there are valid reasons to say "I'm sorry". But not wearing makeup is not one of them.

And "Sorry, not sorry " just make me want to scream. What does that even mean? I can't even figure it out!

Maybe it's just a reason for me to get off of Facebook and live my life.

I'm off to play with my kids. I'm not going to say I'm sorry for that.

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