20150717

Big changes are coming for our family again.
And I am terrified. I don't even know how to begin to process my feelings. I am having anxiety about it, of course. I look outside right now at my view and I want to cry, because I love it here.

Will I love it there? Will I miss my yard, my trees, my view? Will my girls be ok? Will we find a good home? Will this be a good move, like getting out of Phoenix was?

I'm not good with change, I used to be. But it freaks me out.

For now, I will simply remind myself to breathe, to take long slow breaths and relax, until I am ok again.

20150617

Hair today, gone tomorrow?

I'm obsessing about my hair.



Obsessively looking at pictures of pixie cuts on Pinterest and filing a board with cuts I like.
My hair feels like a weight holding me down, something I have to deal with every day, and not something I enjoy.
I've never been a great fixer of hair. Ask my girls. (God has a sense of humor, eh?) My hair styles range from a bun, to down, a half ponytail, or pigtails. Never anything fancy. I try fancy, but it's a fail and I end up, once again, with a messy bun.

I'm lucky enough that Will loves my hair in almost every style I've tried, not counting anything with straight across bangs, like Betty Paige. He mentioned that it makes my eyebrows like very prominent and not so great.

I know if I cut my hair, it will feel like a weight has been lifted. I'll feel lighter.
But I'll miss a few things I like about having longer hair- like my girls braiding it, and the curls I have.

Luckily running out first thing in the morning to get it cut isn't possible, so I'll just keep pinning pixie cuts on Pinterest, until I make a choice.

20150610

Mommy thoughts

Just a few days ago our baby turned two. For months I've been struggling with this feeling of sadness and like someone is missing from our family.
Of course, it's not a mutual feeling, but one I'm dealing with alone. I want to say that I'm coming to terms with our family as it is, that I'm totally OK with never having another child.
I want to say I'm 85% OK with it, most days. Like I think I will be OK, but right now I'm not. I don't even know how to explain this feeling.
I love our family, I love these kids and the life we have. I love where we are in life.
But...
Always... But...
I've started trying to see the bright side of life with these four girls. To imagine where we'll be in a few years, when everyone is in school, and I can start my life again. Only I'm not sure I want that, I'm not sure what I want.
I've been a stay at home mom for so long, it feels like this is who I am. I mean, yes, I want to do something else with my life.
I'm just so lost.
And I'm tired of being sad.
And I'm tired if being tired.
And I'm tired of not knowing what I really want.
But I am afraid.
And unsure.

But I know, it'll all work out in the end.

20150605

Abi is two



Dear Abicot,

You are two today. We had a fun playdate with some of your little friends. Everyone had a great time catching chickens and petting goats. Grandma and Grandpa came down and brought some cousins, too. Loves of fun and good times.

You are so independent. You want to keep up with your sisters, and have started being able to put on your own shoes (or whomever's shoes you can find). The toilet has become your friend, and during the day when we're home, you are pretty consistent about  using it, especially to poop. I haven't had to change a poopy diaper in weeks. Even when we are out, you will let me know you need to go in enough time to get you to a toilet!

Your vocabulary is huge. Most of the time I know what you are trying to tell me. Sometimes its a little harder, but we figure it out. Some of the words you mispronounce make me giggle, like "lala" for lollipop, "nain" for blanket,

We play "where is your... body part" and you are very good at most of them. Which makes it easier when you are hurt to let me know where. You also are easily fixed with a simple mama or daddy kiss on the owie. You've also become obsessed with covering each owie you find with bandages.

The other day I saw a picture of a cheetah. I thought you would like it so I showed it to you. You covered your eyes with your hands and said "Scawee monser!" We looked at some more cheetah pictures, and only the ones that were facing the camera were "scawee" but you didn't like them.

A few weeks (maybe a month) ago, a very low flying Border patrol helicopter flew over our house. You were in the back yard with Natalie, playing. When you heard the loud noise, you booked it back in the house, telling me how scary it was. Loud noises startle you, I remember that even in the womb, when I was using a hammer, you'd jump. 

Things you love-
Daddy. You love hugging him when he's leaving for work. You'll run from anywhere in the house to make sure you can hug his legs before he goes. You are also upset when he's gone for Army duty.
Mama milk. I have been trying to night wean you, and its not gone well. Every time I try, you pull me tighter and ask more often. I'm ok with nursing you longer, but I'm tired and need more sleep.
Animals. You love our chickens and goats. Our little bottle-fed baby goat, Evening Star "Evie" is still small enough that you carry her all of the time. Since she's bottle-fed she loves people and you and her and best buddies as you explore the yard together. This makes me be outside more often than I used to be. I suppose its good, because it keeps me active and that helps with my depression.

Sisters. You adore your sisters.

I wish I could remember all of the adorable things you've been doing lately, to pause time for a few moments and just soak you up. But before I have a chance, you are off, doing the next time, reaching for the stars, the moon. And I'm still here, waiting for you to return.

Always,
Mama

20150509

Illness. I'm so over it.

Monday morning, the sun wasn't even up, but the plugged duct in my breast hurt. I felt awful, but got up and went about my day. By 9am I knew it was a day to rest. So I set myself up on the couch and told Nat I was feeling ill.
My abdomen hurt, painful like period cramps, mixed with gas, and queasiness on top and add in muscle pain. It radiated all around the lower part of my abdomen.
Today morning I woke up, not feeling much better. My breast was red and swollen. Dr visit.
Antibiotics, 10 days.
Wednesday I went to the LLL meeting, and took the girls to Target. But felt like I was going to pass out most of the time.
By that night the abdominal pain was so bad, it seemed to be mostly in the left upper part. I figured it was kidney stones, but found someone to watch the littles the next day, if it still hurt, so I could take myself to the emergency room.
Thursday, still hurt. 5 hours in the ER. Nothing's wrong that they could find. Finally sent on my way, with a drug to take. I choose not to take it.
Friday, feeling better, but still not 100%. I made it through the day.
Saturday, woke with the worst headache. It's not a migraine, is like a rubber band wrapped around my head. Medication makes it tolerable. In the evening about 6, Abi in the bath, she started to vomit. It's now 9 and she's thrown up 6 times.
I foresee a long night of vomit in my future. I just wish my head didn't hurt.

20150503

Apologies

Dear friend,
Why do you need to apologize for everything?
Why the hashtag "sorry, not sorry".
Why do you spend your time saying " Sorry for the messy, no makeup selfie."

Maybe it's my personal pet peeve, I'm sick of reading the apologies from my female friends on Facebook all of the time.

There are reasons to apologize, there are valid reasons to say "I'm sorry". But not wearing makeup is not one of them.

And "Sorry, not sorry " just make me want to scream. What does that even mean? I can't even figure it out!

Maybe it's just a reason for me to get off of Facebook and live my life.

I'm off to play with my kids. I'm not going to say I'm sorry for that.


20150407

Abi fell off of the edge of the trampoline. She looks like she was in a car accident.
Hopefully this heals quickly. Because she looks awful and feels bad as well. 

20150405

Today you would have been 94.

Last year for your 93rd birthday, your whole family gathered near, and even though you were in hospice and not actually at your party, I'm sure you felt the love that filled your house.
This year, you're birthday falls on Easter. I'm glad, because of what Easter is a celebration of.
He died and was resurrected. You died and will be resurrected as well, because of my faith I know this is true.

But, it doesn't make me miss you less. It doesn't feel like it's been almost a year that you've been gone.

Missing you always and loving you forever.


20150329

Natalie is four


o
Dear Natalie,

Today you turned four. Though for weeks you've been telling people you were turning 5, because you'd count "1, 2, 3, 5!"

Grandma and Grandpa and some cousins were visiting this weekend so you had a birthday morning full of family. They gave you gifts that you loved. Though when asked, your favorite present was a pack of gum I gave you. Silly girl.

You and I went to lunch and saw a movie (Cinderella). You weren't a huge fan of the movie. But it was really nice to have time with just you.

You can almost write your name, you know most of the letters, and write "N" and "A" on everything. When we count you can count to 10, even though you sometimes skip 4. You buckle yourself into your carseat and get mad when I try to help. Naps are a thing of the past, but some days you still need one, and I fight with you. Occasionally you take car naps (5-15 minutes). I miss my afternoon quiet time, but you napped longer than Rhayn or Gwen.

Natalie, I love you so very much. I love that you are four now, four is a fun age. Though you are also very stubborn. Just like your mama!

You've been weaned for a few months, but Abi still nurses quite a lot. So sometimes I can see in your eyes that you wish you could. Sometimes I express milk for you into a cup and you like that. But mostly you seem to remember it fondly.

Always,
mama

20150129

15 years

Today I've known him for 15 years.

Here are 15 things I love about him.
1. His drive for a better life.
2. His passion for doing things himself.
3. Watching him hold our babies, even when they aren't babies anymore.
4. His eyes, the color and intensity of them (though his scowl sometimes I don't love so much.)
5. His singing. He has a great voice.
6. His hugs.
7. His sense of fashion (so much better than mine!)
8. And the way he looks all dressed up for work on the weekdays.
9. And the way he looks on the weekends, dressed down.
10. When he cooks, if I'm not feeling well. The way he makes "clean out the fridge" food. And it's almost always amazing.
11. Watching him teach our girls, whether it's something little, or big. He's a good teacher.
12. His love of learning.
13. His convictions.
14. His sense of duty.
15. His love.
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