PPD, PPA, Motherwort and me

I've been reading my blog from December 2005 and January 2006, to see how I felt at this point post partum with Gwennie. It seems I suffered from post partum depression or baby blues a bit then. It was even bad enough that I called my midwife once about it. Last time I was mentioning that I felt depressed Will told me it was probably ppd, this time when I mention depression, he tells me that I feel depressed pretty regularly. Its strange how much different his responses are now. But we are also in a much better place in our relationship than we were then.

As I am great at internet-diagnosis, I think that I am dealing more with post-partum anxiety this time around. I would say its a 50/50 thing. Half of the time, I feel fine. I even have times/days that are great and I feel pretty darn good. But then the other days hit. Lately I've had some very rough days. But I feel like I am putting on a much better facade this time around.

Some days I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I don't want anyone touching me (besides Natalie). Rhayn gets in my face, well really she is trying to talk to Natalie, but she's too close to me. I take deep breaths and allow her to be there. While my insides are boiling. Gwennie is the same way.

But they don't know I feel that way. Nor does Will. I know it will pass. I know I am being crazy. Since its not affecting my daily life, its ok. Right? I keep feeling these same conflicting feelings. I want to be alone, I want to be around people. I want to be awake, I want to sleep. I want to yell, I was silence. I want the house perfectly clean, but I don't want to clean it and then I want to spend all of my time cleaning (obsessively). I want out of our house, but I want to stay here.

I don't feel afraid that I will hurt someone. But when Natalie was teeny tiny, there were a few nights that I felt like I could. I see crazy images in my head and I have unfounded fears. I worry too much.

My mental state is getting slowly better. I am taking Motherwort, which is the nastiest tasting tincture ever. (I have heard Valerian is nasty, but I much prefer its flavor over Motherwort.) It helps calm me. I don't know if it is a placebo or if it actually helps, maybe its like *Monster Spray and only works because I believe in it. But I will continue to choke down its nasty flavor until I feel better.

*Monster Spray is helping Gwennie to sleep in her own room. I gave her this and told her that monsters don't like lavender, as it scares them away. If she feels scared at night she just sprays that. The bottle was nearly empty so I filled it with water and shook it around to distribute the last little bit of lavender. But I love the idea of allowing her to make her own monster spray.

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