In just a few hours he will be home again. I have to say that this deployment was very difficult. I wasn't surrounded by my support group, since we moved 3 hours away from my closest friends. It made it harder for me to deal with the day to day stuff. I miss being able to just sit with a friend and chat about annoying things the kids are doing. I miss being able to get an afternoon away because the kids could go home with someone else.
Now, sure, the 2 older ones are at school all day, but Tally is always with me. I did some math the other day, and in her entire nearly 13 months of life (and if you add in pregnancy that makes almost 2 years) I have been away from her for about 6 hours. TOTAL. I just don't have anyone to leave her with. I want to, I really want to. No, I need to. For my sanity.
In a few moments I am going to get up and start mad dash cleaning of the house. We've got about 6 hours until his flight gets in, an hour and 15 minutes to drive there, and showers to take.
We are all ready. All of us are ready for him to be home again.
Yesterday at the grocery store I was putting the shopping cart back in the bay in the parking lot. A soldier was standing behind his SUV and asked if he could use the cart. I said "Sure" because I was done with it, and there weren't any in the bay. I unbuckled Tally and she reached up, to the soldier. She doesn't usually try to get strangers to pick her up. It was very cute. Now I just hope she will try to go to her daddy when we pick him up today.
Showing posts with label Will. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Will. Show all posts
20120428
20111010
Sierra Vista part 1
About a week ago I realized that we had a perfect weekend to go visit Will and check out this town we are probably moving to. The girls had a half day on Friday and no school Monday. So after some emailing back and forth, finding a place for our dog to hang out for 3 days, and a conversation via Gmail video chat, the girls and I packed up and headed to Sierra Vista, Arizona after school on Friday.
Its a long drive from our house to S.V. It takes a little over 3 hours, depending on traffic. That is forever for small children. Also, Nan picked up a cold this week, her nose was runny on Friday but that was it. We listened to Mr. Popper's Penguins all the way there.
Once we passed Tucson, with a little more than an hour still to go, the scenery started to change. It was lovely. And we all started getting more excited. When we finally turned off of I-10 we knew that the majority of our trip was behind us and we were close, so close to Daddy.
We pulled up to his apartment complex and I parked by his truck. I called him because I forgot to write down his apt. number. He came out and the girls and I all hugged him gladly. We hadn't seen him in weeks.
After we ate dinner we loaded into the car and drove around S.V. He showed us how small the town is, and how pretty. We made it back to his apartment and settled in for the night.
In the morning we ate and dressed. The girls ran downstairs and played right outside of his apartment. Then we drove to the park for the car show that was being held there. It was interesting. The girls got to throw balls and dunk a police officer. (I'll post pictures of that later.) Gwennie was given a balloon, we watched some young men give a welding demonstration.
We left the park and grabbed Subway on our way to a picnic on base near this bridge. It was amazing. This creek ran by us, and we were able to watch an Acorn Woodpecker bury his acorns in an old tree. The girls made friends with some girls who live on base and whose dad is currently deployed. Will and I looked at rocks and plants and just enjoyed being outside together. 
After our picnic lunch we had to run into Target to purchase a new outfit for Nan, because she had a poopsplosion. Will also took us around the base to see where he works. Upon leaving Target we headed out of town. Will had scheduled a house viewing. There is a house for sale on 8 acres of land to the east of town and he wanted us to see it.
Its a long drive from our house to S.V. It takes a little over 3 hours, depending on traffic. That is forever for small children. Also, Nan picked up a cold this week, her nose was runny on Friday but that was it. We listened to Mr. Popper's Penguins all the way there.
Once we passed Tucson, with a little more than an hour still to go, the scenery started to change. It was lovely. And we all started getting more excited. When we finally turned off of I-10 we knew that the majority of our trip was behind us and we were close, so close to Daddy.
We pulled up to his apartment complex and I parked by his truck. I called him because I forgot to write down his apt. number. He came out and the girls and I all hugged him gladly. We hadn't seen him in weeks.After we ate dinner we loaded into the car and drove around S.V. He showed us how small the town is, and how pretty. We made it back to his apartment and settled in for the night.
In the morning we ate and dressed. The girls ran downstairs and played right outside of his apartment. Then we drove to the park for the car show that was being held there. It was interesting. The girls got to throw balls and dunk a police officer. (I'll post pictures of that later.) Gwennie was given a balloon, we watched some young men give a welding demonstration.
We left the park and grabbed Subway on our way to a picnic on base near this bridge. It was amazing. This creek ran by us, and we were able to watch an Acorn Woodpecker bury his acorns in an old tree. The girls made friends with some girls who live on base and whose dad is currently deployed. Will and I looked at rocks and plants and just enjoyed being outside together. 
After our picnic lunch we had to run into Target to purchase a new outfit for Nan, because she had a poopsplosion. Will also took us around the base to see where he works. Upon leaving Target we headed out of town. Will had scheduled a house viewing. There is a house for sale on 8 acres of land to the east of town and he wanted us to see it.
20110829
Random Freak Outs.
I feel the panicky feeling I get sometimes, it hits me slowly at first. But after a short time it smacks me with shortness of breath and and overwhelming feeling that life is out of control.
This post is random and all over the place. Here is a picture, before you read all of this crap.
This last year has been such a struggle for me. I have felt let down and disappointed over and over. Natalie's birth was nothing like I wanted it to be and I am still processing it. Of course I love her, and really wouldn't trade her for the boy I thought she was. And she is different than I thought she'd be. I wanted a lump-like baby, but she is busy. She gets all over the place by rolling and she's barely 5 months. She has grown out of her baby clothes quickly and I have donated them as fast as she has done that, because hanging on to them makes me sad. (Though I have a box of my favorite outfits to be given to family.) She wants to eat food, and I didn't want to give her any. I have been putting a little bit of food on her tray and she touches it, and puts it in her mouth. Last night she destroyed a piece of lettuce with just her gums.
The summer zipped by in a flurry of hot, hot days. I had plans for it, but none of them came to fruition.
Gwennie starting kindergarten was great for her. And as I stand on the playground with her in the morning, watching her plan and sweating like crazy, I know I don't want to move her partway through the school year.
And we still don't exactly know what is going on. Will is there, living his geo-bachelor life, coming home on the weekends (when he doesn't have drill in CA). Eventually we will go visit him there some weekends, too. But not yet.
Rhayn is here, and I feel like I am neglecting her, missing out on her. And most of the time she is a great person to talk to. But I take out my frustrations on her, and I feel like a terrible person. No, I am a terrible mom for doing that.
There are moments when our house feels like it is closing in on me. These do not happen often. Thankfully.
This post is random and all over the place. Here is a picture, before you read all of this crap.
This last year has been such a struggle for me. I have felt let down and disappointed over and over. Natalie's birth was nothing like I wanted it to be and I am still processing it. Of course I love her, and really wouldn't trade her for the boy I thought she was. And she is different than I thought she'd be. I wanted a lump-like baby, but she is busy. She gets all over the place by rolling and she's barely 5 months. She has grown out of her baby clothes quickly and I have donated them as fast as she has done that, because hanging on to them makes me sad. (Though I have a box of my favorite outfits to be given to family.) She wants to eat food, and I didn't want to give her any. I have been putting a little bit of food on her tray and she touches it, and puts it in her mouth. Last night she destroyed a piece of lettuce with just her gums.
The summer zipped by in a flurry of hot, hot days. I had plans for it, but none of them came to fruition.
Gwennie starting kindergarten was great for her. And as I stand on the playground with her in the morning, watching her plan and sweating like crazy, I know I don't want to move her partway through the school year.
And we still don't exactly know what is going on. Will is there, living his geo-bachelor life, coming home on the weekends (when he doesn't have drill in CA). Eventually we will go visit him there some weekends, too. But not yet.
Rhayn is here, and I feel like I am neglecting her, missing out on her. And most of the time she is a great person to talk to. But I take out my frustrations on her, and I feel like a terrible person. No, I am a terrible mom for doing that.
There are moments when our house feels like it is closing in on me. These do not happen often. Thankfully.
20110807
Hall of Flame
On Saturday we celebrated Will being home (for one whole day) by going to the Hall of Flame in Tempe. This is a really cool museum filled with the history of fighting fires. The museum lends you a black binder that tells about all of the displays. We didn't get to read much, because the girls were pressing us forward. I would have liked to read more about some of the more fascinating items.
The museum is set up so that you start by seeing the really old fire fighter things, like hand pulled carts/water pumps. Many from the 1800s. Some were pulled by horses, and of course Gwennie loved the fake horse that they had on display to show how the carts were pulled. She did not like that the horse had no mane, though. See how they use fire hydrants to hold up the chains? Such a cool idea!
This cart was really shiny and had so many things going on. Many of them were much more plain and simple. 
One room was filled with display cases of helmets, some of the earliest ones were made of leather and sewn together. The helmets were from all over the world and for the past few centuries. Many German and Japanese helmets were included.
There was a real firetruck to climb on and real firefighter clothes and hats to put on. We all dressed up.
Even me, I was the chief. 
Here is one of those trampoline things you see in the movies when the people jump out of burning buildings! So cool.
Towards the end there is a play area for the kids. They had this small fire truck with dress-up clothes in Gwennie's size which she enjoyed a lot more than dressing up in the adult-sized clothes (did I mention those jackets are heavy?) 
There was a pole (like in the movies) for sliding down. But Rhayn had to show her mad climbing skills by going up to hit a board that was sort of at the top. It must be to stop kids from climbing that pole to the ceiling, since this room also houses fire trucks, so it has vaulted ceilings. 
Will also had to show his mad skills, though it was a lot easier for him, since he is bigger.
And Gwennie wanted to do it as well. Only it took her a lot of tries before she made it to the top. But she finally did and then she had to show us a few more times. 
After the pole climbing, we looked at the wild fire room, and headed out of the museum. I had been craving a curry for a while, with all of the fixings (papadum, chutneys, pakora, raita, soups and kheer) so we headed to Pasand for their buffet. It was delicious and Natalie was well behaved at the restaurant enough that we were all able to enjoy our tasty lunch.
It was a great day out! For dinner, Rhayn made us all her specialty- lemony, pan-seared shrimp with pasta.
The museum is set up so that you start by seeing the really old fire fighter things, like hand pulled carts/water pumps. Many from the 1800s. Some were pulled by horses, and of course Gwennie loved the fake horse that they had on display to show how the carts were pulled. She did not like that the horse had no mane, though. See how they use fire hydrants to hold up the chains? Such a cool idea!
This cart was really shiny and had so many things going on. Many of them were much more plain and simple. 
One room was filled with display cases of helmets, some of the earliest ones were made of leather and sewn together. The helmets were from all over the world and for the past few centuries. Many German and Japanese helmets were included.There was a real firetruck to climb on and real firefighter clothes and hats to put on. We all dressed up.
Even me, I was the chief. 
Here is one of those trampoline things you see in the movies when the people jump out of burning buildings! So cool.
Towards the end there is a play area for the kids. They had this small fire truck with dress-up clothes in Gwennie's size which she enjoyed a lot more than dressing up in the adult-sized clothes (did I mention those jackets are heavy?) 
There was a pole (like in the movies) for sliding down. But Rhayn had to show her mad climbing skills by going up to hit a board that was sort of at the top. It must be to stop kids from climbing that pole to the ceiling, since this room also houses fire trucks, so it has vaulted ceilings. 
Will also had to show his mad skills, though it was a lot easier for him, since he is bigger.
And Gwennie wanted to do it as well. Only it took her a lot of tries before she made it to the top. But she finally did and then she had to show us a few more times. 
After the pole climbing, we looked at the wild fire room, and headed out of the museum. I had been craving a curry for a while, with all of the fixings (papadum, chutneys, pakora, raita, soups and kheer) so we headed to Pasand for their buffet. It was delicious and Natalie was well behaved at the restaurant enough that we were all able to enjoy our tasty lunch.
It was a great day out! For dinner, Rhayn made us all her specialty- lemony, pan-seared shrimp with pasta.
20110801
Weekly Gratitude
Its Monday again. I want to write a gratitude post, but am struggling a bit with feeling that. Here goes... (Also these are most likely the same things I have been grateful for lately- or pretty close to that.)
We are half way through a tough time. Will is back and forth and all over the place. He is working so hard for the betterment of our family and life. I am grateful for that. I know that someday we'll look back at this stressful part of our life and be thankful for it. (Maybe we'll just be thankful that it is over! But we'll be thankful.)
I hate saying this- but without Rhayn I don't think I would be functioning very well. She helps me by holding Natalie while I get things (like making dinner) done. Though sometimes I resort to wrapping her so that I can get things done. I really like baby wraps. Its really the most comfortable way to "wear" a baby. Though not the easiest.
Gwennie is so funny, this morning she was interrupted while she was telling me a story. When we all settled back in to finish the story- she started with "As I was saying..." and it made me giggle.
Natalie is a show off. When other people are over, including Daddy, she is a joy to be around. Big smiles and laughs, cuteness all. over. the. place. But during the week... she is a pain. Last night was rough, well it was actually early this morning. She was tossing and turning and fussing. If we didn't bedshare I would have been up staring at her because she was making so much noise. Then Gwennie had a nightmare and came in, eyes full of terror and tears. I allowed her to finish out the night with me. (Rhayn often slept with us after a bad dream, also.)
Natalie woke up feeling yucky this morning. She hasn't nursed yet, but she's spit up a few times*. As I was changing her diaper, Rhayn came over and blew a raspberry on her neck. Usually this makes her laugh, instead it made her cry. Rhayn felt awful. Natalie took a while to get over it, continually sobbing while she was tucking her head into my armpit.
*Lily was a huge help and gross, this was the first time she cleaned up the spit up. She usually turns her cold, wet nose up at it. But this morning she slurped it up. It may have been because Natalie spit up on the kitchen floor and not on the carpet? But who knows.
We are half way through a tough time. Will is back and forth and all over the place. He is working so hard for the betterment of our family and life. I am grateful for that. I know that someday we'll look back at this stressful part of our life and be thankful for it. (Maybe we'll just be thankful that it is over! But we'll be thankful.)
I hate saying this- but without Rhayn I don't think I would be functioning very well. She helps me by holding Natalie while I get things (like making dinner) done. Though sometimes I resort to wrapping her so that I can get things done. I really like baby wraps. Its really the most comfortable way to "wear" a baby. Though not the easiest.
Gwennie is so funny, this morning she was interrupted while she was telling me a story. When we all settled back in to finish the story- she started with "As I was saying..." and it made me giggle.
Natalie is a show off. When other people are over, including Daddy, she is a joy to be around. Big smiles and laughs, cuteness all. over. the. place. But during the week... she is a pain. Last night was rough, well it was actually early this morning. She was tossing and turning and fussing. If we didn't bedshare I would have been up staring at her because she was making so much noise. Then Gwennie had a nightmare and came in, eyes full of terror and tears. I allowed her to finish out the night with me. (Rhayn often slept with us after a bad dream, also.)
Natalie woke up feeling yucky this morning. She hasn't nursed yet, but she's spit up a few times*. As I was changing her diaper, Rhayn came over and blew a raspberry on her neck. Usually this makes her laugh, instead it made her cry. Rhayn felt awful. Natalie took a while to get over it, continually sobbing while she was tucking her head into my armpit.
*Lily was a huge help and gross, this was the first time she cleaned up the spit up. She usually turns her cold, wet nose up at it. But this morning she slurped it up. It may have been because Natalie spit up on the kitchen floor and not on the carpet? But who knows.
20110718
Adjusting
Saturday was Will's 34th birthday. 34 seems old for some reason. (I will be 34 in November.)After his week in Sierra Vista he drove home Friday night, only to hop on a plane to Philly on Saturday night (actually 1am on Sunday.)
We've discussed a little more about this probable move to SV. And the part I am going to discuss next gives me a funky feeling. For a while at least, he is renting an apartment down there. Sure its only going to be about 6 months that he'll be there without us, but it just feels/sounds wrong.
We are not separating but man does it sound like it. This move is really hard on us both. We've grown in the past few years since he returned from his deployment and I think we rely on one another more than we ever have. I count on his help with the girls often. I really miss that (and him) and he's only been gone for a week.
Adjusting to our life here, with him coming and going like a visiting relative, is not going smoothly. Gwennie is having a rough time of it. Her bedtime routine had finally been established and most nights she was asleep around 8, but not anymore. Now she will still be up at 9ish. And she is continuing to wake up before 7. The poor kid is not sleeping well. On Thursday night she flat out REFUSED to sleep, or even stay in her room. At 9 I told her that if I saw her again she would not be going to the movie in the morning. At 9:15 when I had to go back upstairs and talk to her again (this time finding her playing in the toy room) she was informed that she had lost her movie going privilege. Then I spent 30 minutes with her throwing a bit of a fit while she ran up and down the stairs telling me that she didn't want to be near me. At one point she told me that she would "still snuggle with me but she didn't love me anymore since you are so mean". In the morning she was really mad because Rhayn was able to go to the movie with our friend A and her kids.Rhayn is helping me hold up (or down?) the fort right now. She has taken on a much needed role, but I am trying to allow her to be a kid, just one with more responsibilities. I want to give her an allowance or something to show her how much help she is being to me.
Natalie is "little miss won't take a nap unless mama is holding her" or laying by her. I wonder if it has to do with her super awful diaper rash*. Or if she is sick. On Saturday she had green goop in her left eye and her nose is pretty stuffy (today she has green boogers). I ended up pumping on both Friday and Sunday to relieve a little bit of engorgement because she isn't nursing really well right now. I now have 4 ounces squirreled away for her if she needs it though! She is also considering crawling, when she is having tummy time she practices and goes in circles around and around. She is rarely where she is originally put. She is also working on sounds. She can make loud noises that aren't mad noises more like she is just seeing how loud she can be. She still can't roll from her tummy to her back consistently she has done it once or twice.
*The rash looks worse this morning. And like it has spread. Yesterday morning it looked dry and peeling in the morning and today its bright red and warm. Poor thing.
20110607
Opposites
When I was 20 a friend asked me what I looked for in a mate. We talked about the yin yang or opposite person as well as one who was a carbon copy. (Like people these days really know what a carbon copy is.)
I wanted someone to complement* me. Rather like a puzzle piece that felt like it had been missing forever.
Although I knew from early on that Will was perfect for me, its been a rough road. I am a mess. I dislike myself because I am mean and hurtful. I don't tell him that I love him. I don't compliment him enough. I don't know how to show him that I care as much as I do. In fact he often asks me if I dislike him. That breaks my heart because I know that I am not treating him the way he deserves to be treated.
Sure at the moment I have an excuse. I am attempting to adjust to life as mom of 3. But this isn't a new phenomenon. It isn't even unique to him. I do not know how to show love to a partner. To the kids, I am ok with it. Although I really dislike how I act towards Rhayn, too. But that is a totally other post. (All about my failings as a parent.)
Over time I think Will and I have become more of a yin yang. Our edges are slowly rubbing against one another and becoming a smooth fit**. I can't imagine my life without him and I hope he feels the same way. I know we aren't perfect, neither of us. But really who thinks their relationship is perfect? Aren't there always little imperfections, tiny bumps that keep the parts from fitting perfectly together? Yet with time and patience those bumps can smooth out.
But I think we complement each other, we balance each other. And that is what I always wanted.
*I wrote "compliment" originally. Of course I want that, who doesn't?
**That sounds dirty, sorry about that.
I wanted someone to complement* me. Rather like a puzzle piece that felt like it had been missing forever.
Although I knew from early on that Will was perfect for me, its been a rough road. I am a mess. I dislike myself because I am mean and hurtful. I don't tell him that I love him. I don't compliment him enough. I don't know how to show him that I care as much as I do. In fact he often asks me if I dislike him. That breaks my heart because I know that I am not treating him the way he deserves to be treated.
Sure at the moment I have an excuse. I am attempting to adjust to life as mom of 3. But this isn't a new phenomenon. It isn't even unique to him. I do not know how to show love to a partner. To the kids, I am ok with it. Although I really dislike how I act towards Rhayn, too. But that is a totally other post. (All about my failings as a parent.)
Over time I think Will and I have become more of a yin yang. Our edges are slowly rubbing against one another and becoming a smooth fit**. I can't imagine my life without him and I hope he feels the same way. I know we aren't perfect, neither of us. But really who thinks their relationship is perfect? Aren't there always little imperfections, tiny bumps that keep the parts from fitting perfectly together? Yet with time and patience those bumps can smooth out.
But I think we complement each other, we balance each other. And that is what I always wanted.
*I wrote "compliment" originally. Of course I want that, who doesn't?
**That sounds dirty, sorry about that.
20110606
Gratitude
She is worn out from camping and getting some snuggle time from her cat and baby sister.This week (or really the last few week since I neglected to do this) I am grateful for-
~Will being home. He's been gone on and off for 2 weeks now, and I am glad he's home, at least for a short while.
~friends who took Rhayn camping with her school since I was unable to.
~Rhayn being home. While she was away this weekend I realized how much of a help she has been to me. I know that she is 10 and sometimes a brat, but more often than not she helps me by holding her sister while I get things done.
~having a weekend with Gwennie. Sure, yaya was here, too, but I really got to spend time with just Gwennie and we enjoyed that.
~baby laughs. Seriously the best. thing. ever. Yaya laughed yesterday, multiple times, while being tickled. She also saw her big sister, Rhayn (who had been gone all weekend, remember?) and laughed at her and gave her the biggest circle smile ever.
She wants to sit up and see the world, my sweet little busy baby.
She wants to sit up and see the world, my sweet little busy baby. 20110407
Rambling Instead of Sleeping
I feel like a mess. Its nearly 9 pm and I do not want to go to bed though I am exhausted. I can feel the tears that want to pour down my face burning just behind my eyelids.
Will is gone, dropping him off this time was miserable. Instead of being able to enjoy him the past few days I feel like I have totally ignored him. I feel so disconnected from him, from "us" and I don't like it. I know that part of it is adjusting to having this sweet little baby. He has been so amazingly helpful and awesome. He's picked up all of the things I haven't really been able to do.
I am terrified that Natalie and I are going to go to bed and she is going to fuss like she did last night. I am worried that Lily will be obnoxious at 3am again. I really would love to take a bath and let my muscles relax. She is asleep right now, but will she stay that way through a diaper change, and while I get ready for bed?
Rhayn told me that she wants to feel better so that she can help me. That made me want to cry. Gwennie is having a really hard time sleeping right now. Its been hard for her to adjust from being my baby to being "the middle child". Last night I was sitting there, while Natalie was fussing and I looked over at Gwennie, with her 5 year old face, looking so big. Her face holds none of the baby Gwennie.
20101112
Veteran's Day
I did not take very many pictures on Veteran's Day. We once again attended the parade that the VA puts on. Only this time we were able to bring our Veteran, and he was on a committee that sponsors the parade. This allowed us breakfast and great seating at the parade. It was awesome to not be sitting on the ground this year.
After the parade Will had an interview with a local television station. We came along. The girls were a little bored during the interview, but the reporter then gave us a tour of the studio. The girls got to sit in the anchors' seat, and she showed us how the green screen works. The girls got to point to the days and temperatures, and pretend to be meteorologists. She showed us some other sets, too. It was really neat. We met one of the anchors and watched the beginning of a live show.
When were were finally at home, we all felt exhausted. The parade was long and we were in the sun for the duration. We didn't have time to get lunch before the interview and it totally wore us all out, so we took the rest of the day off and rested. 
Will set up our DVR to record the evening news, and we were able to watch him on TV. Gwennie, who hadn't really cared about the whole experience when we were there, was so excited about seeing her dad on the television. She squealed and jumped up, exclaiming "Its you Daddy!"
20101102
ACUs and Airplanes
He dons the uniform and walks downstairs. It seems so normal, even though it has been many months since we've seen him decked out in ACUs. He looks good in uniform, better in his ACUs than the BDUs (though he looked nice in those, too.) But it makes me fearful. I know when his uniform is on, he is on, he is LT, and usually gone.
He stands in the living room, and tells me that it feels good to be in this uniform again. I know he has missed it. I am glad he loves it, even if it takes him away from us. The military has been good for our family, it gives me an appreciation for him that I don't know if I would have otherwise. It fulfills a part of him that needed to be taken care of. It gives up affordable health insurance, and a pride in our country and so much more.
His boots are on, and for a moment we sit together on the couch. Rhayn is at school, but Gwennie, Will and I sit there, just touching for now. Soon we will be dropping him off at the airport, soon he will be gone for a week. Its hardest on the girls, harder than it is on me, because I understand.
In the car, trying to keep tears in. Its only a week I remind myself. Only a week. Only a week. It repeats in my head, but I still feel the tears, just waiting.
At the airport, he kisses me, then hugs Gwennie. He grabs his bags and walks away. Sunglasses hide those tears, finally breaking free. I can stop them, but for the moment its all right to cry.
And in a week, we will pick him back up at the airport. Thankful, once again, for him to be home.
He stands in the living room, and tells me that it feels good to be in this uniform again. I know he has missed it. I am glad he loves it, even if it takes him away from us. The military has been good for our family, it gives me an appreciation for him that I don't know if I would have otherwise. It fulfills a part of him that needed to be taken care of. It gives up affordable health insurance, and a pride in our country and so much more.
His boots are on, and for a moment we sit together on the couch. Rhayn is at school, but Gwennie, Will and I sit there, just touching for now. Soon we will be dropping him off at the airport, soon he will be gone for a week. Its hardest on the girls, harder than it is on me, because I understand.
In the car, trying to keep tears in. Its only a week I remind myself. Only a week. Only a week. It repeats in my head, but I still feel the tears, just waiting.
At the airport, he kisses me, then hugs Gwennie. He grabs his bags and walks away. Sunglasses hide those tears, finally breaking free. I can stop them, but for the moment its all right to cry.
And in a week, we will pick him back up at the airport. Thankful, once again, for him to be home.
20101029
Ah- CHOO
So I seem to have caught a cold virus. Fun times, right? Nope. I also decided today that my bedroom was covered in a much too thick layer of dust and had to be cleaned (its been about 5 months since it was dusted.)
I am allergic to dust, really who isn't? It makes you sneeze and cough a bit. Well add that on top of my already oozy, drippy nose. What was I thinking? Maybe that if I cleaned a little the cold would be better, that sleeping in a room of filth like I was, was not helping. Next up to vacuum the carpet, but Will was on the phone and that would be rude, right?
Cross your fingers that this cold stays with me, and maybe the girls. Will can't catch it because he has drill, in California, for a week. He wants to be well when he meets his new unit for the first time.
I am allergic to dust, really who isn't? It makes you sneeze and cough a bit. Well add that on top of my already oozy, drippy nose. What was I thinking? Maybe that if I cleaned a little the cold would be better, that sleeping in a room of filth like I was, was not helping. Next up to vacuum the carpet, but Will was on the phone and that would be rude, right?
Cross your fingers that this cold stays with me, and maybe the girls. Will can't catch it because he has drill, in California, for a week. He wants to be well when he meets his new unit for the first time.
20101026
20101025
Gratitude Monday/Corners of my home
These week I am grateful for
- the ability to buy a new freezer. I broke ours yesterday. I was attempting to chip some of the ice out of it to increase space for the many frozen meals we made at the cook-a-thon. Well I managed to break the freon line, and effectively kill the freezer. Money is really tight right now, but we are lucky enough to have a little bit that was used to replace the freezer, and actually upgrade it to a frost-free version (it was about the same price as buying a manual defrost freezer!) You all wanted to see a picture of a litter box, its awesome, I know. But the above is our new freezer, sitting next to our washer and dryer. The dryer was a hand-me-down, so please ignore the duct-taped handle on it. I use the clothes line more than the dryer anyway.
- Lowe's. They delivered and installed our new freezer and hauled the broken one away, free of charge. (They also give a Military discount at our local Lowe's.)
- being 19 weeks along. I was going to post another lovely belly shot, but the freezer drama has taken up all of my time. Next week marks the 1/2 way mark. I can not believe it!
- family. A few days ago a cousin of mine posted on Facebook about having extra tickets to the Saturday matinee of Beauty and the Beast. The girls and I were able to tag along and enjoy the show. It was also really nice to see those cousins that we rarely see. (Hi Tiff and Penny!)
- Will. Once again he showed just how amazing he is. I killed our freezer, and was a total wench all day. (Stupid hormones.) He stayed calm through it all, even though I was flipping out the whole time and on the verge of tears. He was able to fix the situation, and keep me from crying. (Of course, writing this is bringing a few tears to my eyes.)
20100907
lack of Gratitude Tuesday
Yesterday I had nothing that I felt grateful for, today is the same. I had been nursing a nasty tension headache on and off all weekend (really its been around since Thursday.) I was feeling really nauseous...again. I wanted to sleep, but for some reason I couldn't.
Will took the girls to a baseball game. They had fun, and I had quiet. Originally I had planned to go along, but after tylenol did nothing to the headache, I gave up. It wasn't worth the pain.
Today my headache seems to be gone. I am trying to remain relaxed and avoid its return. But the back of my head aches just a tad. I have already been to the grocery store, and have my 3rd load of clothes in the washing machine (two loads are on the line drying.)
We are still all adjusting to Will being home. I feel like a loser all day, because I should be cleaning or at least doing something, instead I have been sick and stare at the computer all day. Its lame. Will made some off-hand comment to my parents about how now that he has seen what I do all day he feels like my time has been wasted. My dad replied with "But its worth it to have them stay home with the kids." I think Will may have been joking, because he knows how sick I am (obviously he's seen me, I look awful, and listened to me puke.) But I've been thinking a lot about that comment. I know that I am slacking in what I would normally do.
But what do I "normally" do all day? I clean the house, I do laundry, I make sure Gwennie is fed. I drop Rhayn off at school and pick her up. I go to the grocery store. I make dinner. I let the dogs in and out of the house. I make sure things run smoothly. I clean the counters in the kitchen.
What have I been doing lately? Cleaning the bare minimum to keep the house from stinking. Laundry. Feeding Gwennie, sometimes other times Will does it. I shuttle Rhayn to and from school. I sit in our lazyboy and read blogs, news and stare at Facebook, Babycenter and Diaperswappers for hours, trying to keep from vomiting. I lay on the couch and read.
I feel horrible emotionally. My body hurts in ways I don't remember from doing this before. But I know I felt this way, at least to some extent, because I wrote about it on here but also because of the lack of posts I wrote during the first trimester of my pregnancy with Gwennie. Why does it seem worse this time? Why in the heck did my mind glorify being pregnant? I know that later on, during the 2nd trimester and into the 3rd I will feel awesome. I know (in my head) that this is a short lived part of having a baby. I know (in my head) that I really do not have it so bad and it is getting better, slowly. I also know that if my symptoms just suddenly dropped away I would worry about miscarriage. I know that soon I will feel the baby wiggling around inside of me, and for a time, it will only be for me, no one else will be able to feel that. But then the hormonal, emotional, mess side comes out, and I feel miserable. I want to sleep away the next few weeks (or month) because both times before I have felt like a normal person by 16 weeks. I can hope that I don't puke anymore but then again, the nausea gets so bad that puking is a relief, and allows me to eat.
However... until I feel better, I may go back to being a hermit. I'll only leave my house to shuttle Rhayn to school and home. At least until I feel up to doing more. Or maybe until my emotions return to something more pleasant.
20100903
dreams, sickies and adjustments
So far adjusting to Will being home in the mornings hasn't been too bad. Its throwing off our rhythm, but we'll just need to establish a new one. The dogs love their morning walk.
As for me, well I've been sick. No, not the morning sickness, that is tapering off. Its been a week of migraines. Tuesday evening I had the tell-tale auras that precede some of my migraines. The yesterday I was feeling great, until the afternoon when WHAM! I was struck by a nasty headache. Its lingering still. Tylenol is taking the edge off, and allowing me to function, but it is not fun.
Gwennie had a bad dream last night. I guess. She won't tell me about it, but she has been a mess today. I think that she didn't sleep well because of her nightmare. We were in the car and she asked me if I really wanted to know about her dream because "its too scary for adults" and she wasn't sure I wanted to hear about it. I reassured her that I did want to hear, if she wanted to tell me. She then decided not to tell me. I don't think she wants to talk about it, but I know that if she does, she'll feel better. Maybe tomorrow she will be willing to talk about it.
As for me, well I've been sick. No, not the morning sickness, that is tapering off. Its been a week of migraines. Tuesday evening I had the tell-tale auras that precede some of my migraines. The yesterday I was feeling great, until the afternoon when WHAM! I was struck by a nasty headache. Its lingering still. Tylenol is taking the edge off, and allowing me to function, but it is not fun.
Gwennie had a bad dream last night. I guess. She won't tell me about it, but she has been a mess today. I think that she didn't sleep well because of her nightmare. We were in the car and she asked me if I really wanted to know about her dream because "its too scary for adults" and she wasn't sure I wanted to hear about it. I reassured her that I did want to hear, if she wanted to tell me. She then decided not to tell me. I don't think she wants to talk about it, but I know that if she does, she'll feel better. Maybe tomorrow she will be willing to talk about it.
20100901
Ch-ch-changes
When Will came home from Iraq he started talking about starting his own internet/media consulting firm. He's always had aspirations to be his own boss, so this wasn't news to me. But then he started implementing a plan and even turned in a letter to his job advising them of his plan to vacate said job. This was months ago. Since then he has been working on many other things that had taken him away from his (paying) civilian job. His time was split up so much that it became obvious to him (and to me) that he needed to either go to part time at his job or quit.
He requested a part-time position. He was denied. So he put in his two weeks and here we are. Monday was his last day at a paying job. For now he is working at home on some projects that he feels are worth pursuing. I am proud of him for taking that step.
At the same time, I am terrified. At this moment, we have no income. Add to that an issue with our insurance due to him changing from the National Guard to the Army Reserves and you end up with a stressed out pregnant lady.
I am trying to take it all in stride. I know he has a plan. I know that he will make it. I also know that we'll bounce back from this if he were to fail. I am lucky to have found, as a life partner, a person who wants to better himself and his family. Will works so hard, harder than anyone else I know. Eventually his hard work will pay off and he will be a success. I know that.
But pregnancy = hormonal imbalance = crazy lady. I have to keep reminding myself that its all worth it. That in a few months, this stressful time will seem so long ago and will easily be forgotten. Until then, I really need to learn how to clip coupons and save money. This requires a whole new way of thinking.
Am I up for this challenge? I think so.
*This also makes me thankful for seeing a homebirth midwife because insurance isn't going to pay her anyway, so we'll have to set up a payment plan and cross our fingers that this baby isn't a brat like Gwennie and chooses to be head down and cooperative!
He requested a part-time position. He was denied. So he put in his two weeks and here we are. Monday was his last day at a paying job. For now he is working at home on some projects that he feels are worth pursuing. I am proud of him for taking that step.
At the same time, I am terrified. At this moment, we have no income. Add to that an issue with our insurance due to him changing from the National Guard to the Army Reserves and you end up with a stressed out pregnant lady.
I am trying to take it all in stride. I know he has a plan. I know that he will make it. I also know that we'll bounce back from this if he were to fail. I am lucky to have found, as a life partner, a person who wants to better himself and his family. Will works so hard, harder than anyone else I know. Eventually his hard work will pay off and he will be a success. I know that.
But pregnancy = hormonal imbalance = crazy lady. I have to keep reminding myself that its all worth it. That in a few months, this stressful time will seem so long ago and will easily be forgotten. Until then, I really need to learn how to clip coupons and save money. This requires a whole new way of thinking.
Am I up for this challenge? I think so.
*This also makes me thankful for seeing a homebirth midwife because insurance isn't going to pay her anyway, so we'll have to set up a payment plan and cross our fingers that this baby isn't a brat like Gwennie and chooses to be head down and cooperative!
20100824
20100716
Stuff
This weekend is going to be busy. Rhayn has a ballet performance on Saturday. The rehearsal is at 9, she needs to be in full costume and make-up. This is after I pick up co-op produce at 7am.
Have I mentioned how tired I am? Last night I went out with a couple of friends to see Eclipse. We didn't get home until nearly 1am, and then of course I was wide awake because of all of the things we had talked about after the movie. I may have fallen asleep around 2. Rhayn had stayed the night at a friend's house and so Gwennie was sleeping in our bed. Gwennie can't sleep alone. I put her in her bed or the spare twin we have in our room and she was back in my bed (her feet in the small of my back) a few hours later. Needless to say I didn't sleep that well.
Today is Will's birthday, too. We didn't do anything special at all. Hopefully he was ok with that. I know he doesn't care for his birthday, its just another day after all. The girls and I bought him a Wii remote (so now we have 2) and they are playing a few games before bed.
Have I mentioned how tired I am? Last night I went out with a couple of friends to see Eclipse. We didn't get home until nearly 1am, and then of course I was wide awake because of all of the things we had talked about after the movie. I may have fallen asleep around 2. Rhayn had stayed the night at a friend's house and so Gwennie was sleeping in our bed. Gwennie can't sleep alone. I put her in her bed or the spare twin we have in our room and she was back in my bed (her feet in the small of my back) a few hours later. Needless to say I didn't sleep that well.
Today is Will's birthday, too. We didn't do anything special at all. Hopefully he was ok with that. I know he doesn't care for his birthday, its just another day after all. The girls and I bought him a Wii remote (so now we have 2) and they are playing a few games before bed.
20100705
Gratitude Mondays
Today I am thankful for the sun and the great things that come along with her, such as summer swim lessons. Gwennie had her first (of this summer) swim lesson today. Rhayn's been going for 2 weeks. Gwennie worried and fussed over the lesson. All weekend she worried about it. She sat in the corner of the pool whimpering about how she needed goggles and she didn't like to be in the pool and also? She was NOT going to do "bobs". Luckily for us all Will had today off and was able to come along. Gwennie didn't want to disappoint her dad, so she was really good in her swim lesson. She earned a pair of goggles which we went to Target to purchase.
After that we went to one of the city's nicest pool and spent a few hours playing in the water. Will worked with Rhayn on her swimming, and she really had a great time swimming laps. Gwennie actually let her face get wet in the splash part. If you know Gwennie but at all, you now she doesn't like getting her face wet. (Not in the shower, not in the pool, not at all.)
I sat on the edge of the zero entry part and got some sun. Which leads me to another thing I am thankful for, vitamin D's fantastic healing ability. Yesterday I felt a little sad and grumpy, after some time in the sun I feel great, albeit exhausted. What a nice day.
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