Whew

In just a few hours he will be home again. I have to say that this deployment was very difficult. I wasn't surrounded by my support group, since we moved 3 hours away from my closest friends. It made it harder for me to deal with the day to day stuff. I miss being able to just sit with a friend and chat about annoying things the kids are doing. I miss being able to get an afternoon away because the kids could go home with someone else.

Now, sure, the 2 older ones are at school all day, but Tally is always with me. I did some math the other day, and in her entire nearly 13 months of life (and if you add in pregnancy that makes almost 2 years) I have been away from her for about 6 hours. TOTAL. I just don't have anyone to leave her with. I want to, I really want to. No, I need to. For my sanity.

In a few moments I am going to get up and start mad dash cleaning of the house. We've got about 6 hours until his flight gets in, an hour and 15 minutes to drive there, and showers to take.

We are all ready. All of us are ready for him to be home again.

Yesterday at the grocery store I was putting the shopping cart back in the bay in the parking lot. A soldier was standing behind his SUV and asked if he could use the cart. I said "Sure" because I was done with it, and there weren't any in the bay. I unbuckled Tally and she reached up, to the soldier. She doesn't usually try to get strangers to pick her up. It was very cute. Now I just hope she will try to go to her daddy when we pick him up today.

Worry. I hate to worry.

I feel sick to my stomach when I don't hear from him. My mind comes up with a million horrific scenarios, things that may have happened to him. I am sure he is just fine and in less than 2 weeks we'll have him home with us. I have to remind myself that when he goes on a mission, he becomes the mission. It is something that I do love about him. But I also know that he wouldn't necessarily let me know if something was wrong. He didn't let me know when he got so very sick while he was deployed in 2008/9. I just knew I hadn't heard from him in weeks and the longer that went on, the more worried I was. This feels like that. We only have 12 more days. But they seem to be stretching on and on. I obsessively check my email, I mean really it is after 10, and I needed to just hop on one last time to see if he emailed me. And I feel so alone in this. I can't talk to my kids about it, I need to put on a brave face, and say "Yes girls, Daddy is fine, he loves you and will be home soon." While inside I am imagining terrible things, my brain going all night, I'm not sleeping. This weekend was a welcome distraction, my parents here, the cold weather blowing through, and my friend, A, stopping by. I miss having them to talk to.

And ok, it hasn't even been 6 days since I last heard from him. But this entire trip he's been distant. And I had just gotten used to him being HERE again. We'd just become US again it felt like. And back to the beginning. Back back back. Knitting isn't keeping my stupid fears away. Nothing is, even while driving around my thoughts were on him. Always on him.

Five Days In

Here we are again, he left just a few days ago. It seems more like it was a dream sequence. Like it didn't really happen. Only I have pictures of him sitting in my bed, reading stories to the girls. I have pictures of him putting together a lego airplane for Rhayn. I have pictures of him carrying Gwennie down trails. I have memories of him holding me, and if I lay very still I can almost still feel the way that felt in the night (and smell him on the pillow).

The girls seem fine, and I am once again pretending to be fine. Pretending that I don't miss him every second of every day. Sure while he was here he got on my nerves. He did things that annoyed me. But he was here to touch, to talk to, to share my crazy thoughts with. He was here to laugh with and joke with.

I wish I had an actual countdown, a date I knew he would be home, instead of some vague future date sometime in July, August, or September.

Until I know anything, I will trudge on. Knowing that as the days get farther from that date last week, it will get easier. Until it will feel like this is normal. I will keep my insane jealousy for people who have spouses home inside hidden away. I will keep on thinking about what I would be doing if he were home.

Here is an article that I wish I had found before he left the first time. We dealt with a lot of silences, and anger before he left- his and mine. Neither of us knew how to be together while we were preparing to be apart. This time, when he started to shut off from me, I knew it wasn't his anger or that he didn't care. I knew it was his way of preparing to leave us, and become the LT again. This time we talked about it more. Which still wasn't much. But since we both knew what was coming, it was a lot easier. Operation Home Front Online is a great resource for families during deployment.

Now excuse me, whilst I go write an actual love letter to him.

this morning

this morning
before the sun
even thought
of waking up

this morning
before most people
rose to brew
their coffee

this morning
before i was
really ready
you were gone

this morning
we rose together
in the dark of
predawn

this morning
we both wished
that we had
more time

this morning
we drove in
silence both
afraid to speak

this morning
i stopped at the
the drop off
and held it in

this morning
i never allowed
the tears to start
the tears to flow

this morning
we drove away
leaving you there
in camouflage

this morning
i was strong
for our girls
yet again

but tonight?
i am letting
it all out
tears fall,
sobs escape
because tonight,
i am allowed
to mourn
and be sad.

We are outta here!

All that worry is over. For now.

At about 7 this morning the phone rang. It was Will, he was in Dallas. A mere flight away. We are about to head out of the door to meet him at the airport. He said he would just meet us outside, but the girls and I are having none of that. We want to stand there and wait for him.

See you all later! Yeah!

I feel stress in every muscle of my body. I don't know if every military spouse gets this. Or is is just me? I feel like a hot shower would help be relax, but it doesn't. I feel like a good night's sleep would help, but really it doesn't. I wake up just as tense if not more tense in the morning. I check my email a thousand times a day. If and when the phone rings, my stomach leaps then drops when the caller ID is someone I know.

I am irritated beyond belief at the Army and Will (not his fault, not his fault, repeat over and over). How can they expect people to live through this? I am in limbo, the not knowing is the worst feeling I have ever had. I feel numb and at the same time on the verge of tears. I wonder if this is what a nervous breakdown feels like? And if so, what the hell do I do to cope? Not drinking, seriously that would be the worst thing for me. I need a good hug.

Tomorrow Rhayn should to go to school. I thought she would be off all week, because we would be enjoying our time with Will. Instead I am sitting here, the back of my neck aches. I actually feel like tears are forming. I just can not handle this. But I have to because there is nothing that I can do about it. I can't be proactive in this situation. Normally I can sit by and watch things unfold, but this time? When nothing can be done, I feel like I have gone in circles so fast carrying such a heavy load that if I stop I will fall off of this cliff I am teetering on the edge of. And I can't help it.

I am sick of answering the questions I have no answers to. Because everyone is asking. I want to scream "I don't know anything more now that I did the last f&%$^#g time you asked!" But that would be rude, and everyone really does care. It doesn't make explaining it all for the fiftieth time feel better. Should I get out a magic marker and write on my shirt "I don't know anything?" Maybe that would get my point across. I could simply point at it. I don't want anyone who has asked me anything to feel bad, but its like when your baby is due, you are 41 weeks and everyone is asking "Did you have the baby yet?" even though you are standing hugely pregnant in front of them. You just want to scream, "No! Captain Oblivious" (first cousin of Captain Obvious.) But you don't. You smile and say "No, not yet." And grumble whilst walking in the other direction. That is exactly what this feels like. Only my belly isn't hugely protruding in front of me, my stress apparently doesn't show across my face as neatly as it feel like it does. Maybe the zit forming on my cheek is a precursor to the giant pustules that will break out all over my body. Or maybe I will get my rash back, mmm that would be fun. Not that it ever truly went away, its just moved to a smaller location.

So world:

I do not know anything. So please stop asking me. M'kay?

Count Down...

That Will isn't home yet really has me feeling down. I just can't stop thinking about what we should be doing right now. I had plans, maybe no concrete ones, maybe more of ideas of what we could do if he felt up to it. And everything seemed so perfectly timed. But now? I just don't know. I am trying really hard to not think about how, if he was home tonight, we would be wrapped around each other.

Count Down- On Hold.

Today I finally got the news I knew was coming. Flight delayed, leave delayed. Its only a few days, but it feels like an eternity. Bad weather is delaying a flight. Nothing new but I really do not want to tell the girls. I don't want to tell myself either.

Its a good things we have a lot planned for the next few days. Seriously a lot. And maybe since I have a couple extra days I will be able to get the downstairs carpet cleaned. I have the upstairs done, but the downstairs was getting put off because of a million things that could and would go wrong.

So now we wait to see when he flies out of there and when we will finally get to see him. Hopefully its only a few days. Hopefully.

Count Down?

I know that I am stressed out. I am barely holding it together, but as always I look strong on the outside while my insides are churning and clenching. Luckily for me, this does not become a backed up system. I am very regular and glad of it! (Did I just talk about poop?)

Today was a fine day, we had handwork here. La la la, it was a small group- the way I prefer it. Lots of talking about Twilight (which was great for me!) We didn't really make much, I did make a little felt heart- which turned out really cool (will post pictures on my sewing blog or photo blog when I get around to it.)

After we picked Rhayn up at school we went to Target with her best buddy Lorna and her mom. We walked around and chatted which was nice. Then we came home. I spent the afternoon cleaning the car's and truck's interior. I also vacuumed the garage floor. It was pretty nasty. Now I only need to wash the outside of the car and truck. But not a huge deal if that doesn't get done. Our California Pepper tree needed trimming. So it was thinned out quite a bit. Every time I touch that tree I smell like pepper.

This evening Gwennie went in the bathroom and shut the door (signals she is pooping... wait, I am talking about poop again?) But after a few minutes she came out and said "I had poop all over my bottom, but I cleaned it all up." It was clear to me by the smell that there was still a mess. Then she added "I pooped in my pants, too." I stood up and checked the bathroom, just a little bit of mess on the seat, and some dirty pants on the floor. I told her we were going to take a shower to clean up.

Following the shower we ate some leftovers. Then the girls and I watched Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Gwennie climbed into my lap and felt like a heater. But she kept telling me she was cold. Her temperature was a little over 101. I had Rhayn get her a cup of water and held her in my lap for the rest of the movie. She really liked this one part where Milly tells the brothers "If you're going to eat like hogs" or something then pushes the table over. Gwennie thought that part was silly and kept saying "If you're going to eat like pigs."

Now Gwennie is asleep, and hopefully this is just a little viral thing that works its way out of her by tomorrow, because I made an appointment for tomorrow at a salon that has childcare in it (yeah!) to get some hair yanked off of my legs and armpits.

And finally, some pictures from a birthday party we attended not too long ago. Thanks again, Mo, for inviting us!

Count Down- 4 more full days

I think my math is off. But since I am posting at night- I mean that there are 4 full days until the day he comes home. Does that make sense? Its Tuesday- and he has leave Sunday... Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday equals 4 days. Four days between now and then.

Ok, writing it out made it look better.

We still have no word from him on actual times of arrival. He may not be home until Monday I telling myself, because I don't know when he will fly out and when he will arrive here. Not knowing is making me feel just the slightest bit panicky. I actually didn't hear from him at all today. But I am trying not to worry (ha fat chance of that). There have been days with no emails before, its just that I want that connection between him and me. I love seeing his name on my emails. It makes my whole day. Sometimes I even turn my computer on in the morning before the girls get up, just to check, usually when I ask him a question and am hoping for an answer. No questions sent last night, although I did send one this morning.

Did I mention that I am nervous about seeing him? I mean I know that he loves me, but I worry that maybe I let myself go a little while he was gone (hence my desire to wax my legs and.. maybe... um... well... other parts of me.) I know its ridiculous that I feel this way, but still, it is how I feel. I am anxious. But I hide it well. Yup, I hide it very well.

Count Down- 5 (days to go.)

Another day down. Gwennie and I spent the morning picking up some things at Costco. Then we cam home and I cleaned, like seriously cleaned, my bathroom. (Only 2 more of those to go, Why do I have 3 toilets to clean?) I meant to get my bedroom carpet cleaned, too. But that didn't happen.

Its been drizzling on and off all day, which has been pleasant. However the humidity has made the air quite chilly. Its basically supposed to be in the low 60s for the next week. It snowed in the high country (Flagstaff and around the Grand Canyon.) Next Wednesday we are going up there to see the Grand Canyon, since Will has never been. Hopefully there is still a lot of snow on the ground, because that would be neat to see.

Tomorrow I have to finish the upstairs cleaning- my carpet, Rhayn's bathroom. I have my class at the YMCA. Hopefully Gwennie will cooperate better this time. Last week, she clung to me and screamed when I tried to leave. She was miserable. It made it hard for me to leave her. I bribed her with ice cream. I know, bad mom. I really needed to go work out, really needed it and the ice cream bribe helped a little. I still walked out of the day care area with her screaming. I could hear it until I turned the corner to the aerobics room. Fingers crossed that this week will be better. Next week, she can stay home with Daddy (yes!) and won't have to deal with that.

Count Down- 7

And so it begins. One week to go and the stress dreams have started. Last night they involved him and I not being able to find a moment alone. Soon they will include an inability to make it to the airport. The dreams may involve him coming off the airplane and seeing us right before turning around and leaving. But the next week will be filled with disjointed sleep, brimming with dreams of my fears. Filthy house, period starting, airplane crashes, really bad hair days... you name it, and my dreams this week will feature it.

I just need to keep on keeping on, while trying to get things done and especially remember to shave my legs. Did you know, that is one of the things on every one's list for me? I say that I have a list of things I want to accomplish before Will comes home. And then the person says "Like cleaning the windows and shaving your legs?"or some variation of that. Actually I want to get my legs and armpits waxed so I can ignore them while he is home and not waste time shaving! Any one get theirs waxed? Any advice on it? A good place to get it done?

In Case I haven't Mentioned it on Here....

Will is coming home for a two week R&R. He will be home the 15th through the 28th of this month. We are all very excited!

Is Waiting REALLY the Hardest Part?

There comes a point during deployment where you just become nonchalant about it all. I mean its like you forget what it felt like to have him home, to have him to talk to whenever you want. You think about it, and its like your childhood, a long distant old memory. And you think, it has to be even harder for him, because you at least have the house you resided in as a couple, the bed you shared, the children you created together. There are more things and places that spark those little memories.

Then the kids remind you. They start asking about Daddy. They pick up the mobile phone, which has a picture of him as wallpaper, and talk to him even though he isn't on the line. They say "Remember when Daddy..." and you do. Together these little people keep you grounded in the place that you and he had once occupied as a couple. These little parts of your relationship keep you from drifting so far into your single life. (Not the fun swinging single life, no its nothing like that- its harder, its lonelier, but you are still living that way- singly.)

You know he will eventually come home, and everything that you have become used to will flap away in the wind. You will have to find that place where you existed together. But at the same time, neither of you will be the same. You will have to learn to coexist again. And this time, with so much distance between you- it might not work. There may be things that have come between you, changes that are irreconcilable. You can hope it won't happen. But deep down you know its a possibility.

But you still trudge onward. Waiting out the longest year. Waiting out and knowing that although this part is hard- what lies ahead is even harder. But quite honestly? What else could you do?

Have I raised a monster? Or is she just missing her Daddy?

Is it wrong that I secretly wish Gwennie had had an ear infection? Because that would at least explain the temper tantrum she is currently (and has been for thirty minutes) throwing at my feet. It would explain her strong desire for me to "hold her" at all times.

I took a shower a little while ago. We had taken the car in to get new brakes, then we came home and I worked on my garden a little. I felt sticky and stinky so I hopped into the shower. I asked her if she wanted to come it. But she sat on the floor telling me that she never will sleep with me again.

THEN when I turned off the water she started screaming "I want you to take a shower wifff mmmeeeeeeeeee!" It has turned into a screaming cry sound of "mooooommmmmeeeee" over and over like a drill in my stuffed up head.

I know that she needs a nap. But she fights them, hard, unless we are in the car. Then she gives in like nothing. She screams like this until I calm her down somehow, usually offering to hold her. (She is now sitting in my lap eating an m&m premium triple chocolate. Thanks Homeslice!) I know if we sit still enough, she will fall asleep soundly soon.

At night, she fights sleep. She tries to play she bounces and asks me to hold her. By hold her, she means, lay ON TOP of me, while I try to read. Sometimes I am so tired I do give in to that. She is having a hard time. She misses her Daddy more and more each day. In fact today, while we waited for the brakes to get fixed we sat at Starbucks and she talked on the phone pretending it was Daddy for a few minutes. She also told me that last night she had a dream about Daddy and how he liked horses. This is rough on me. Rough on them. Rough on him, too. I do not know how to help her, because nothing makes that sadness from him being gone go away. Nothing makes her feel better about his not being here.

Five minutes have gone by, she is fast asleep on my chest, which is how she slept a lot as an infant. I would sit at my computer, while she slept soundly sitting against me. Her face, is relaxed and looks just like a larger version of that infant face, less round, but the mouth open the same way it hung open then. She seems to want constant contact. Maybe she is just going through a separation anxiety phase. Maybe its all because of Daddy. All I know for sure is that I am really ready for her to be out of this stage.

Cleaning the House

Did you know that if no one comes to my house for weeks on end, I do not clean it? Yup, I need people to come over to keep my house clean. It is ridiculous. When Will is home, I do it for him. I feel like he deserves to come home to a clean (ish) house. Its rare that I clean for myself, although I should because when the dust builds up I stop being able to breath well in my bedroom at night. You would think that would keep my room clean, but it doesn't. Seriously it has been one of the dirtiest rooms in my house lately. (And I spend like 70% of my time in here because it is where my computer is!)

So today I am cleaning, because tomorrow handwork is being held here. I love handwork and the beautiful women who attend. I love talking to them, or even just listening. Its almost like what we had in Richmond, but not quite (there are kids there- and maybe not quite as much camaraderie.) But it works as a once a week chat-fest. I wish it felt as comfortable as the Richmond trip did. I really don't know why it doesn't. I have known these women longer, maybe it is because I KNOW them, and SEE them on a regular basis. Maybe because I am more reserved around them. Maybe it is the turnover from year to year. Some of them have seen me at my worst and maybe I feel the need to hide that from everyone.

Maybe it goes back to me being strong for this time, while Will is gone. If I let myself really feel how I feel, I lose it completely. Instead the sadness and tears eek out because of silly things. You want to know how many times I was teary eyed yesterday as I listened to NPR's coverage of the inauguration? Every other minute. I had to turn it off at one point before I began bawling. Now, I think it would have made me a little misty eyed normally, but this was tears streaming down my face. It was a release I rarely allow myself to have. It was a beautiful day, lovely speeches, lovely interviews. It just felt way more emotional than I think I would have normally felt.

Night Out and a Trip Alone.

I feel like a zombie today. Last night was a late night. It was so fun though. My cousin and I always go out on her birthday. Usually we see a movie, have dinner (preferably somewhere with fish since her hubby isn't a fan.) Then end up at karaoke AND a porn shop. Yes, I know its a weird day. But this year she decided that she would not end up doing any of the three following things- see a movie just because there wasn't anything else to do, let her friend talk her into the karaoke bar, or end up in the adult shop. We managed to avoid those.

She had wanted to go to the mystery dinner theater (I think that is what it is called.) But they were booked solid. Instead we made reservations to the Melting Pot. Expensive, but a long drawn out process of eating dinner. And- so. good. While we ate, during the three hours we sat at that table, we played Mad-Libs. It was entertaining to have six people throwing out answers. We asked out waitress a few times for adjectives and nouns.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed by this coming weekend. You see I am flying across the country to meet a few friends. This is not my first experience with meeting people I talk to online, but it will be the biggest deal. Usually it involved driving across town, this is seriously across the country. I am so excited to meet a few of my favorite fellow bloggers- Homeslice for one. In her I find a kindred spirit, and like Anne Shirley I search them out. Tattooed Mommy, Alicia as well is someone I really look forward to meeting in real life.

The biggest problem for me, is that I have read into their lives, and they mine. We post comments we talk in forums, but have never spoken with our voices. I am not a fan of the phone call, even with my husband it is weird. We communicate better via email. I worry that they will not like me, or my shyness will be so unbearable that I will retreat from the friendships blooming with these women. But then, I am excited that maybe this will help me come out of my shell. They know a lot about me, and none of that has scared them off yet. They continue to talk to me. I continue to talk to them. Maybe meeting them will only strengthen that. Who knows. I do wonder if I would be making this trip if Will were home. Would I venture out like this? I know that him being gone has renewed a bit of the strength that I had hidden away. But that is another post entirely.

In terms of my monthly cycle- this meeting falls at the best time. You see when you are ovulating or right around then you are more brave . I am definatly less shy during those few days and, yup you guessed it I am due to ovulate around that time (maybe too much information for my new friends?). I feel brave and outspoken and barely shy at all during that time.

I love flying, and can not wait to have a whole day to myself. My flight leaves here at the crack of dawn (7:30 am.) I arrive there at 5ish. I have a couple hour layover in Chicago. How sweet it all feels. Like when I was 17 and headed to the Journalism school that I attended between junior and senior year of high school. For those four weeks I was a brave new girl. I was able to reinvent myself and not be stuck with anyone's expectation of me. And this trip I feel is similar to that, not just in the fact that it is located on the east coast.

Happy New Year 2009

I am thrilled at this moment, excited because there is a chance that my anniversary will not be celebrated apart from my other half.

That is right, folks. He just might be getting a few weeks of leave in mid February.

How frickin' awesome is that?

I would like to be celebrating that, instead I am thinking about my bed, and the sleep I will soon be entering. You see in the grand tradition of my family, I have a head cold. One of us is always sick for New Years. On New Years Eve, when the sneezes wouldn't stop, I hoped it was my SIL and BIL's dogs. I thought maybe Rimmer was making my allergies act up. I hoped, maybe it was just the unusually large amount of particulates in the air outside. No, it has turned into a nose dripping, eyes oozing, throat raw, upper respiratory funk.

I hope you all had an awesome New Year's Eve. It has to have been better than mine! And I wish you all a Happy 2009, may you get all you desire this year.

Hard Questions

Last night on the way home from my sister's house, we started talking a little about Christmas. I was singing Christmas songs and in a generally good mood (considering the sinus pressure that is going to make my left eye ball pop out.) When from the back seat, I think hear a soft question. It was like she was afraid to ask it, afraid of the answer. And I really understand why.

"Is Daddy going to be home for Christmas?" she asks tentatively once again when I tell her I didn't hear. Her voice cracks a little with sadness.
"Sweetie, he won't be here this year."
"Oh, I thought he would be home by now."
Deep breaths from me, because I don't even know how to go about talking about this.
"Well he will be gone for this one, but he will be home by the next one."
"When is he going to come home?"
"Not until the summer or maybe after summer."
"Oh." After this she stays quiet for a long time. Probably mulling it over in her mind. But I try to talk to her about it, she just doesn't seem to want to talk about this anymore.

I wish I could have pulled the car over and held her tightly for a moment. This is a hard realization for anyone. I struggle with the magnitude of the length of time he will be gone often. I mark off days, weeks, months in my mental calendar. But a small child can not do that.

Do you ever feel useless? I know we all do at one point or another.

Today I feel useless because my husband is feeling down and there is nothing I can do about it. Sure I can try to email him encouraging words. I can send him good wishes. But I can not physically do anything. I can't wrap myself around him while we watch a movie on the couch. I can't bake him his favorite cookies and present him with a plate, hot from the oven, and a tall glass of cold milk. I can't do those things you do as a wife to help him forget for a moment everything that is wrong.

It is like being strapped to a table and watching your child run across the room while holding something dangerous. You can tell them to stop, encourage them to be careful, but really there is nothing you can do to protect them from hurt that might happen.

He sent me an email, and I read it, devouring his words like I always do. But I walked away from my computer feeling wrong. Usually he jokes in his emails. They have been relatively lighthearted or at least falsely positive. This time? Not so much. But it took me a good half hour to process why I felt like crap. It was because I wanted to fix it, and I can't do a darn thing. I want him to know he can turn to me, and tell me these things. Maybe they aren't always easy to read, and maybe I would rather life was all peaches and creme, but I know it isn't. I know that things won't always be good. And I hope he knows that no matter what- I am here, to listen/read and as always sending my love to him through it all.