Natalie is four

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Dear Natalie,

Today you turned four. Though for weeks you've been telling people you were turning 5, because you'd count "1, 2, 3, 5!"

Grandma and Grandpa and some cousins were visiting this weekend so you had a birthday morning full of family. They gave you gifts that you loved. Though when asked, your favorite present was a pack of gum I gave you. Silly girl.

You and I went to lunch and saw a movie (Cinderella). You weren't a huge fan of the movie. But it was really nice to have time with just you.

You can almost write your name, you know most of the letters, and write "N" and "A" on everything. When we count you can count to 10, even though you sometimes skip 4. You buckle yourself into your carseat and get mad when I try to help. Naps are a thing of the past, but some days you still need one, and I fight with you. Occasionally you take car naps (5-15 minutes). I miss my afternoon quiet time, but you napped longer than Rhayn or Gwen.

Natalie, I love you so very much. I love that you are four now, four is a fun age. Though you are also very stubborn. Just like your mama!

You've been weaned for a few months, but Abi still nurses quite a lot. So sometimes I can see in your eyes that you wish you could. Sometimes I express milk for you into a cup and you like that. But mostly you seem to remember it fondly.

Always,
mama

Four

There are times when I'm totally shocked that I have four girls. I mean really... Four. 1,2,3,4 girls. How did that happen? Really I know how it happened. But 4?!

I will likely always feel sad that I don't have a little boy. My boy, my son. It sounds weird to think of having one at the same time.

My girls are all so very different. And none (so far) is very girly. I'm grateful for that. Though I have to remind myself that Rhayn used to love everything princess, sparkly and pink.

I wonder what Abby will be like in a year or two. She loves baby dolls right now, she will crawl over and grab her baby and then wants me to hold it while I hold her. Its really cute, especially since they are both bald headed. She still seems such a baby to me, perhaps because she has no hair and can't/won't walk? Her pudgy little legs are adorable. And I hate that the baby newsletters I am getting in my email weekly call her a toddler now. No. Nope, not a toddler. A baby, my baby, my sweet little cuddle monkey.

Natalie likes dresses and princesses. Mostly Elsa. She likes to look pretty, and is adorable even with her super short pixie cut. Her eyes are so big that this haircut just highlights them. Really its the perfect hairstyle for her.

Gwen is squeamish, she doesn't like bugs, or anything like that (and Natalie is picking that up from her). Recently she's started wanting to be a hairdresser when she grows up and likes to brush my hair (though she still dislikes taking care of her own).

Rhayn likes to wear make-up and wants to look just. so. when she goes out. She's 13, and that freaks me out all of the time. But she's also a really great kid, most of the time.

These girls are amazing people. I only hope that I am raising them the best way possible.
These girls.
My girls. 

Natalie is THREE!

Dear Natalie,

Last weekend you turned 3. But I am an idiot and scheduled my wisdom teeth extraction for the day before. Thank goodness for your biggest sister, as she pulled everything together and made an awesome rainbow colored cake for you.

At 3 you are an amazing person.You are so independent that it often gets you into trouble, like a few weeks ago when I was doing laundry and I "lost" you. I found you in the front yard, with Lily, walking the fence line talking to a neighbor.

I know this post is late, but our lives have been through out of whack . I'm trying not to let that taint this post, which should be all about you.

Last week you had a well child exam, you are a petite thing but tall, at 27.5 pounds (16th %) and 37 inches (60th %). The doctor asked you to name some colors and you refused at first. You only wanted to lay on the exam table and look at the book she gave you. When you finally did comply you kept repeating that red was green.

You had your first haircut, and you were so excited and nervous. They only trimmed about an inch off of the back but it made me sad to see your baby hairs cut away.

Yes, dear girl, you still love to nurse. We've cut back to really only having "nuh-nees" in the morning, usually you climb into bed with me and ask to nurse right as the sun comes up. We snuggle and you fall back to sleep. I love those morning cuddle times, with me in between you and your baby sister.

I'm sure there is so much more to add, I could write about you all day, but you should know this, you are loved and I'm so glad you came to our family.

Love always,
Mommy

In Tandem

She wakes up in her own room, where she gladly goes to bed at night. Her own "big girl room", her space. Hers. Sometimes she can't open her own door, and will cry about it. But she is such a big girl lately.

Until she's not.
And she comes to me, whether I am holding  Baby Abby or not, and asks "Can I has nuh-nees?" her big brown eyes filled with a sort of sadness. Sometimes I say yes, sometimes I tell her she needs to wait because she is a big girl who can understand.

This morning Abby was sleeping and I was just sitting in the chair with my computer and cup of coffee in hand. Natalie had trouble opening her door, so I got up and opened it. She followed me to the chair and asked for nuh-nees. I said yes, scooping her huge 2 and almost a half year old body into my lap. In cradle hold, like a little baby, her legs hanging over the arm of the chair. She nursed, happily for a long time as I held her.

Sometimes I nurse them together. Natalie will lay on one side and Abby cradled across her. In a sweet mother embrace. Natalie's hand reaches across and gently strokes Baby Abby's bunny soft head. In those moments I am content, happy that Natalie "un-weaned" 2 weeks ago.

You see, she had stopped asking to nurse in May. Maybe my milk had changed to colostrum, in preparation for Baby Abby, and tasted yucky to her. Maybe she thought she was a big girl, sleeping in her big sister's room and all. But then, Abby came. She asked for nuh-nees once, the day before my milk came in. She latched on for a moment and went off happily.

7 weeks later, she started feeling jealous of Abby. She started calling herself a baby and wanting me to treat her like a baby. But I tried making being a big girl awesome for her. We made her a space all her own. Which really helped her sleep. I gave up on pushing her to potty train (why I have to relearn this lesson with each child, I have no idea!) And I let her "try" to nurse. But she latched on and came away with a face that said "wow, that was awesome" and she started to ask often.

I was sad when she weaned in May. I was sad that I wouldn't get to tandem nurse them. But I was also (at the time) worn out from nursing her and being pregnant. When Abby came we needed time to learn to nurse together, as each nursling is different. And when it was well established- that was when Natalie asked again. And it is ok with me.

Though I feel like I need to hide while I nurse them both. The first few times it was not nice, it felt like an overload of sensations and I wanted to put them both down. I only let Natalie nurse for a minute. The next time it was the same. But then it wasn't. Then it wasn't a big deal at all.

I wanted her to continue to nurse when I was pregnant, because I hoped it would help her feel less jealous of Abby. I really think it does. She never tells me to "Put Baby Abby down and howd me" anymore. She usually just climbs next to us and holds Abby 's hand. I wonder if these moments will be something she'll remember and keep with her. A time when she was a baby and a big girl all at once.

24 Month Newsletter- Natalie

Dear Natalie,

Even though sometimes you get called Bratalie and you really can be a brat, we love you so much. You are such a fun little girl.

Nothing is stopping you. Doors unlocked or locked, you are outside all of the time. In the mud. A girl after my own heart. You can't yet open the fridge but you get food for yourself when I am not looking from the pantry.

You love your big sisters, you call Rhayn "nane!" or "thithter!" and Gwennie is "Denny!" You call the baby "Abby" and yes that is a name on my list. You talk all of the time though you still use that "no" word more than we'd like.

Yes, you are still nursing a few times a day. Mostly in the morning while we cuddle and I drink my coffee and usually at night after we read a book and before you drink some water. Then you go to sleep, sometimes with me, other times alone in my bed. But I move you to your bed before I go to sleep at night. You were sleeping through the night for a while, but lately you've been waking up 3-4 times crying. I pull you close to me and snuggle with you until you calm down, then put you back in your space. Last night I was unable to sleep so I was on the couch in the living room and I heard your soft "mama! mama!" cry from the bedroom. Thankfully it didn't take much to calm you. I just wish you'd go back to sleeping through the whole night.

For your birthday we bought some cupcakes and had a playdate at the park with some of your little friends. You had a great time and ended the party soaked by a water fountain. We made pasta for dinner (your favorite) and had cupcakes. You loved the singing and blew out your candle like a pro!

My sweet girl, when I was pregnant with you and for the first year I thought you would always be my baby. I can't believe that, not only do you get to be a big sister, you will have a sibling close in age who will be your very best friend. While I am really enjoying this time with you now, I look forward to seeing the 2 of you together growing up. What a wonderful thing this is for you.

I love you,
Always,
mama

Sisters

Sitting at the zoo, watching Natalie run in the water and get wet. Rhayn and Gwen were off having a great time in another part of the water area. Next to me was a mom with 2 little girls. 2 girls, 2 year apart. And they were so very cute. The older sister held her little sister's hand and together they stood in the spray. Together they walked around, two peas, one slightly bigger in a pod.

Later on I saw two sisters about two years apart walking hand in hand around in front of us, giggling and playing happily.

And finally there was total peace about girl #4. Total peace because Natalie will have that little sister, this little one will have that awesome big sister in Natalie.

There will be fights, and there will be times when they hate each other. But I will have two beautiful little daughters. I will get to dress them in matching outfits. I will get to watch them have the relationship I always wanted to have (I had a brother who is less than 2 years younger than me, but it wasn't the same as having a sister and my sister is 9 years my junior and while I love her now, we didn't get to share clothes or really talk about boys or anything like that).

But mostly there will be so much love. So much fun.

And I am excited about it.

I love two year olds and I hate them at the same time. Why are they such a pain while being so cute? Seriously? She is so much fun sometimes (example last night she wanted more pasta and for some reason did this with it!)

Then there is the crappy sleep and whining. This morning we got up around 6:20 and all she did for 45 minutes was whine "mama, mama, mama". She wanted me to hold her, to nurse her, to give her everything. But I had no idea what she wanted besides "mama, mama, maaaamaaaaaaaaaaaa".

I am really grateful that she isn't a picky eater, nor does she have food sensitivities or allergies. I am so glad for that.

She isn't a runner. We go to a playgroup and she doesn't run from me like some of the kid her age do. This allows me to sit and listen to conversations. Rhayn was my runner. (And I really hope #4 isn't a runner!)

Natalie Naps

Today she needs a nap so badly. Her nap yesterday was late so she was up late. Of course our day started around the normal time, so she is really tired today. We had a busy morning and she fell asleep in the car, but instead of moving easily (like I have been accustomed to) the dogs started barking and she woke up.

Today I would have gladly rocked and nursed her, but she didn't want that. She wanted to climb all over me, trying everything to stay awake, saying in her saddest voice "mama, mama, mama" pleading for something, but what?

So today she is laying in bed crying. The door is shut and I can tell she hasn't moved from her bed... but I feel like a bad mom for making her cry it out. I would have never done this with Rhayn, if she wouldn't nap easily I would just let her stay up. But we had no real schedule. Gwen always napped if I would hold and nurse her. Natalie is her very own person. Different from the other two. So what will this wee one growing within me be like? Will she need (and want) a schedule? Will she gladly let me hold her while she sleeps? Will she fight me, every step of the way? Will she be calm and sweet or will she run from me laughing hysterically?

Only time will tell. For now, the crying has stopped, and Natalie sleeps. I only hope she wakes up happy and ready for the rest of the day.

Weekly Gratitude

This week I am grateful for~~~

~being 23 weeks along. Almost 6 months. I feel pregnant. I feel baby moving around in there poking me. I think s/he is transverse at the moment since it feels like I am really wide. It is hard to know at this point. I will probably be able to tell what is butt and what is head in a month. I look forward to that!

~only a few more days until we have another ultrasound. My fingers are crossed that baby's legs are NOT crossed! I don't know if I can handle the disappointment of her/him hiding at yet another ultrasound. I need to know. I need to see who is in there, and give him/her a name. I NEED that. 

 ~Another awesome snow storm this last week. I love watching the snow falling. We had about 4 hours of snow falling. It took about 3 for it to start sticking to things though. And it was all gone by the next afternoon.

 

~Warmer weather. It is going to start warming up this week. My pale winter skin is looking forward to soaking up some Vitamin D, especially my sad toes. In Phoenix I was always able to wear flip flops, even in winter. Here? Not so much. My toes have never spent so much time hidden away.

~Natalie. She cracks me up every day. She talks more than Gwen or Rhayn did and has so much silliness to say. I am enjoying this time with her before Quattro comes.

Potty training, breastfeeding and sentences

Natalie has a bad diaper rash. A pee and it burns kind of rash. She actually ripped her diaper off to pee on the floor because I guess it was less painful. I made her sit in the bath to rinse off after that. Then I made Rhayn distract her while I put diaper cream on her.

I have this optimistic hope that she'll potty train early. She tells me as soon as she goes. She doesn't like to be in a wet or soiled diaper. She has actually POOPED on her potty (she told me poo poo! and I looked in her diaper and saw nothing so I told her "no poo poo" and she pulled the diaper off, sat down and pooped.)

Sure I am probably getting ahead of myself, but since she has eczema on her tush, in and around where her diaper hits, I know her bottom doesn't feel great.

But I know, from pushing potty training on Rhayn that it will happen when it happens. When she was 2.5 I was sure she needed to potty train so I pushed and pushed her. Nothing. Then a week later... she was just done with diapers and only ever had accidents at night. Gwen was 3 and continued to have accidents until she was 5. She just didn't want to stop what she was doing.

Part of me wishes I could get Natalie trained so I only have Quattro in diapers. But another part of me knows that is so not going to happen and even if she is still in diapers it won't be for very long after Quattro comes.

The same with breastfeeding. Natalie is still nursing quite a bit. I thought I would be more irritated by it at this point. BUT I kind of hope she continues to nurse until Quattro comes so I can say I tandem nursed. She hasn't shown any signs of weaning, and I am only pushing night weaning on her. It has been slow going but she is starting to "get" that I won't let her nurse in the night time. She nurses before she goes to sleep, then she nurses in the morning (sometimes so I can sleep a little longer!)

On the word front- Natalie is saying sentences. "Daddy at work" "Where bubbles go?" (when her bath drains) and a friend watched her the other day and she asked her "Where mama go?" I love love love this! 

General stuffs

Natalie can say sentences. She makes them often, just now she came up, and asked me "mom? bite cheese?" because I am eating string cheese (one of the things I can usually eat when I am feeling queasy and have yet to throw up.) Sometimes when she asks for a bite she will sign "please" by making big circles on her chest. It melts me when she does that.

In the morning she tells me to get up by saying "Bup!"
She calls nursing "nuh nies" and asks for them often. We're still nursing often and some days I am fine with it and other days I am sooo over it. But she isn't even 2 and she looks so heartbroken when we can't (or I won't let her) nurse.

She has been hitting and scratching lately. Rhayn seems to get most of it, and I have no idea why. I need to stop it NOW. No idea how though.

I got a prescription for Zofran, which is an anti-nausea medicine that is considered safe while pregnant. I took it yesterday and for didn't feel queasy in the evening at all. In fact I cleaned the kitchen and made dinner for us all, plus we sat down and ate it together. It was nice. Except that it gave me really painful gas and that kept me up all night. But I was able to drink lots of liquids and finally felt hydrated (something I've been struggling with this time around) though that also kept me up with all the peeing.

I don't like taking it and I am worried that it may be the reason I have a headache today (side effect #1, another is constipation). But it feels sinus-y and I have thick mucous along with it. I know you wanted to read about the stuff on my tissue didn't you?

But I don't feel sick and if I just take it for a few days and get the house back to order (I haven't cleaned the floors in weeks! They are nasty.) it may be worth it, besides I'm having some friends over on Wednesday and I need to get the house presentable and make some banana bread and chai before they come over.

But for now, I am going to nap and watch some crappy t.v. Maybe even a Christmas movie. 

Napping woes.

I do not know what to do with Natalie right now. She won't nap unless she's on me, and nursing, but she falls asleep nursing and bites down. My nips are in so much pain. Yesterday and today I've attempted to stick her in bed for nap and let her cry it out, but 45 minutes later she still won't be asleep she will just have cried that whole time.

And when I let her out she wants to nurse.... and again with the biting and the soreness. Gwen never did this. And at this age would still let me just hold her to fall asleep and most of the time I could easily put her down.

And honestly I am worn out. I feel so overwhelmed by life and everything we have going on that I just want to cry. I want to curl into the fetal position and cry. I want just a little bit of quiet but it doesn't happen because she won't nap. I feel like a rotten mom, like this is all my fault which does not help me. She is, most of the time, a sweet girl and I love her so much, but I need a break. And not just an hour to go to the dentist.

I thought she's fall asleep in the car on the way home from the grocery store, but no. She might have if I drove around for another 10 minutes. But I can't do that. And I can't take this. 

I do not know what to do. And I'm sure no one has ideas because this is my own doing... but really I just needed to vent about it before I explode.

18 Month Newsletter

Dear Sweet Natalie,

A few weeks (actually almost a month) ago you turned 18 months old. An entire year and a half. The same day your big sister, Gwen, turned 7. I've been slacking and didn't get around to writing this until now. And I am sorry that I, your mother, am such a slacker.

Lately you have been showing interest in the potty. Unfortunately, it is chilly and you can't be naked in the house. Also you won't just wear a shirt, you want pants, too. We've been reading "Once Upon a Potty" and you love that book for some reason. I skip so much of it because I do not call urine "wee wee".

You are a pain sometimes. Lately you've been impossible to go to the grocery store with. You do not want to be in the shopping cart, or in a carrier. You want to walk, and touch everything on all of the shelves. You want to help me. And then you don't and you want to be "all done" (one of your words). You absolutely love this umbrella stroller. I hate it because it is short and has no storage. But our old stroller doesn't fit in the car and has been destroyed by the elements (because I am in idiot who left it outside for 6 months).

You can be so much fun when you aren't being a pain. We call you "Bratty Natty" or "Bratalie". Some days you cry for hours and hours. On those days, (Yesterday was one) nothing makes you happy. I know it is that you need a nap but you seem to be trying to give those up. I'd say in the last 7 days you've taken 2 good naps (equaling longer than 15 minutes) and one of those was the day we went to Tucson to see Grandma, Aunt LVH and Great-Grandma.

My sweet baby girl, I hope you know how much I love you. You are more demanding than your sisters, you know what you want, but aren't able to articulate it all of the time. I hope that soon you will be able to, because if I could just help you get what you need/want then you would be so much happier I think.

Always,
Your milk-making mama. 

CIO?

I'm letting her cry it out right now in bed. I am tired of her "needing" me all night long.
Yes, she is still nursing, yes, she is still technically co-sleeping (which just means she sleeps in the same room as us, since she's transitioning to her own bed side-carred to ours). I don't want to wean her all the way, but I'd like her to be night weaned. Perhaps cold turkey night weaning is the only thing that will work?

Darn it. She had stopped crying and I thought maybe she would be asleep, but then the terror cries started again. She isn't hurt, she is just mad that she hasn't a boob in her mouth.

I want sleep. I have spent today feeling exhausted and the easiest thing would be to just go in there and nurse her back to sleep (and of course fall asleep along with her) but I need to change the way she sleeps. I thought it would be best on a weekend Daddy isn't home. I might have been wrong on that though.

17 Months- Natalie

My darling Natalie,

You will be 1 1/2 in one month. How time has flown.

This month you haven't changed much. Just more slow growth and advancement. You are very talkative.  Increasing your words daily. You still say "hoos!" when you want to put shoes on. You get really mad at me if I try to take you outside without your lovely "hoos".

 You like to put on hats and it makes us giggle. So again and again you will put it on and take it off. I love watching you play.

 You love your big sister so very much. You always have. But you still love me most of all. I think you are going through a bit of separation anxiety. You freak out when I leave you (which is almost never) and whomever it keeping you needs to distract you will I leave and usually you are fine.

I know I don't have a lot to say about you this month. Its been a busy one around the house. We gained a dog who is fitting pretty nicely in our family. You love him so very much and want to lay on him. Luckily he is quite good natured and will let you.

This month marks and end and beginning for you. We bought a crib to side car on our bed, and I am moving you out of our bed. Last night was night one, and you spent about 4 hours in the crib. Yes, I was right there to touch you if you were scared. But every little step counts.

Your milk-maker,
Mama Nuh-Nuhs

16 Month Newsletter

Dear Natalie,

This month has been a busy one for our house. Your sisters start school on Monday and I think you will miss them while they are gone. I will miss the help I get from them, but not the attitudes they have adopted this summer. But this is about you, my sweet girl.

This week I took a night off and went to get my hair cut off. I chopped off 11 inches of hair. I was concerned that you might not "know" me with my hair short, but I walked in the door and you flung yourself from Rhayn's arms and ran to me "mama!" so happy to see me. I squatted down to hug you and your chubby hands went to the back of my head to feel the short hair. You stroked it, looked into my eyes and were fine with it.

When Gwen was 6 months old, I did the same thing, just a little shorter. I'm wondering if I should have done that again. I have a errant curl in the back that bugs me. Oh wait, again, this is a post about NATALIE.

We've all been living our life and the computer hasn't held me as much as it used to. Sure I spend plenty of time on Facebook but I am trying to spend more time with you. I stop what I am doing (usually I finish a sentence first) to see what you want to show me, to take a step outside to tell you to stop standing in the poor dog's water dish.

You get into so much trouble. You fall down all of the time. I try to keep you safe and allow you to do things, but at the same time, I don't like it when you climb into the car because you might fall, and we have a lot of rocks. You are going to be like Rhayn in that way I think, she is brave, she will climb high into trees and loves to jump off of the high dive. Gwen will do those things, she wants to (probably to follow Rhayn) but you can see the fear shimmering off of her while she does it. I think she gets more satisfaction from it though.

This month you discovered dolls. We have an old tandem doll stroller, its been around since Rhayn was wee and was your cousin's before we got it. It was damaged in the move, but a little duck tape and it works quite well. (The locking mechanism snapped in the move. Without the duck tape the stroller folds down while you are pushing it.) You love to put Rhayn's old squish baby in there as well as a doll I made for you. I want to buy you a baby doll and I have one picked out in our Amazon cart (it has brown eyes) but I may wait for Christmas, though that is far away. I know how much you would love her now.



Daddy has made his way to your favorite people now. When you see him you get excited and say "Dada!" or "Daddy!" Your language is exploding now, new words are added every day. But you still remember to say "take oo" (thank you) when we hand you something or take something you have offered.

Love,
mama

Fusspot

She isn't easy. Our house often fills with her cries because I just can't do everything she thinks she needs at the exact moment she thinks she needs it.I have to finish making dinner, I need to help with a project.

Her face is blotchy and red, her little sweet brown eyes are swollen and puffy because she's been crying about this or that. Maybe a noise startled her, we've been dig some construction. Or possibly there was thunder, she really doesn't like loud noises.

And I worry about her. I worry about her long term sanity. I worry that she will have serious anxiety or panic attacks when she's five. I worry, because I am a mom and that is part of what we do best.

I think back fondly to the other girls' toddlerhoods. Rhayn always on the go, and rarely ready to snuggle. She didn't cry very much because she was my entire world. Gwen, always willing to snuggle and nurse (have gup as she called it). She didn't get mad or sad very often as long as nursing was available.

Or maybe I'm remembering our life differently than it really was. Maybe I'm looking back with rose-colored, happy-time glasses. Maybe I'm not remembering things the way they really were.

Natalie ~15 Months~

Dear Tally-yo,

You are 15 months old now. One year and a quarter. You have passed through so many milestones and are easily on your way to more. You had your 15 month well child exam yesterday, you haven't gained weight since your last visit, but that is normal, you have grown about an inch in length/height. That puts you are 20.5 pounds and 31.5 inches. Tall and skinny was the description of the nurse. But hey! That is just like Rhayn and me. And I still think you have perfectly chubby thighs, of course you never were a "BFB" like Gwen was, but you held your own in the chubby baby category.

You had a 3-in-one vaccine, too, the DTaP, polio and Hib shot. I know lots of people who don't vaccinate, but I know that, for us, it is the right choice. I have read and studied about it, and at the school the girls went to before I received a lot of crap for vaccinating (I think it would be the opposite here) but when that pertussis outbreak happened in your sister's class in the fall/early winter, I was thankful for that vaccine and that none of you got it. I watched the pain in those kids' eyes and how hard it was on the parents. I get that not vaccinating is a families choice, but that cemented my choice so clearly.

You hate the doctor's office with a passion. They touch you and you cry, they look in your ears and you cry, you do not want to be there. Luckily this time, you are still small enough that I could manhandle you while they looked in your eyes, ears and mouth. Hopefully you will get over that hatred. I know it isn't strangers, since you have no qualms with climbing into strange peoples' laps at the library. I wish I could figure out what it is. 

There are still only 8 teeth in your mouth, but that first lower left molar is *almost* through. I can see and feel it. I'm sure you can, too. In fact, it may have even broken through in the night last night, that is how close it is to breaking the gums.The lower right one is swelling as well. This has never stopped you from your love of food. You can (and will) eat anything and everything, including the mushrooms (or whatever you like best) out of my food.

 Nursing is still a top priority to you, when we are home (or if you are tired). I love that... most of the time. Sometimes I wish we were all done nursing, but I know it is a short lived feeling, and I will be so glad to have had this time with you. When all you really need is me.

You can communicate your needs/wants fairly well. You have a few words, thank you (kain oo), mama, daddy, sister (dihder), hot (ot), up (ot), Lily (ihlee), bird (buh), pretzel (wet uhl), Hi, uh oh, and ow. You can sign milk, please, more, all done and up. You wave bye bye, clap your hands enthusiastically and can point to your nose, toes and hair.  You still make "uh uh uh" noises when you want something and can't figure out how to express those wants.

This month you started running and climbing. You love to sit on the back of the couch and watch the birds in our front yard. You can walk very far before you get tired but you still love to be carried in the Ergo. Many days you will bring me my shoes and your shoes and we will put them on, just to walk around outside in the cooler morning air. If we were in Phoenix still, this would be even more rare, because the "cooler morning air" there was still in the 90s. Here, it is often in the 70s when we take our morning strolls.

I think you are more aware of the world around you than your sisters were at this age. Probably because they are always pointing out a lizard or bird or something to you. You look for and pick flowers. If you get close to the tomato plant you pluck a green tomato off and eat it (probably because you often see me do the same, only I do it with mostly ripe ones, before the animals get them!)

My dear, not so sweet baby girl, you are so much fun. But you are also a huge pain. You cry more than the other two ever did. Daddy and I can't believe how much you cry. You want things 5 minutes ago and hate when we tell you "no". I thought at some point it would stop, the bottom lip jutting out right before you start bawling just because we said "no" to you. It hasn't. Sometimes I still crack up when it happens.

I haven't been very good about writing these monthly newsletters for you, and for that I feel badly. It has nothing to do with you, my sweet Tally, and everything to do with me and the place I am in my head right now. I do love you every bit as much as I love your sisters. Don't ever think I don't.

Always,
Mama

Fabulous Fourth Fun

We had a leisurely morning on the 4th of July. Will made bacon and blueberry pancakes. Outside the storms were building up, but the blue skies did peak through occasionally. Will asked if we wanted to do anything, and I mentioned wanting to take a drive down to the border and see where a road went. We decided to head out after lunch.

We headed south on Highway 92, driving towards the Coronado National Memorial, which we have been to a few times now. Then on past the parking spots for the cave hike. The road heads up into the mountains, becoming an unpaved road that hugs the side of the mountain and makes many hairpin turns. This may or may not have been a road my mom mentioned to me once or twice. I was driving and didn't get to enjoy the spectacular views until we got to the top and stopped to look around.

It was rather chilly up there in the saddle of the mountain. Looking out towards Mexico you could see the border fence stretching on and on.  There are signs stating that being this close to an International border means that smuggling and illegal immigrants are common in that area.

Looking towards the west, one saw clouds butting up against the mountain top, trapped for a moment before pouring over them to head to the east. It was beautiful.

We climbed back into the car, but not before Natalie took a spill. She is learning to run and doesn't always see rocks in her path. She tripped over one and since she was going down a slight slope she fell then hit her face on the ground. She has a small cut from that. But it wasn't the last time she would fall on our trip.

Down we descended into the Coronado National Forest, on the south side of the Huachuca mountains. This side gets more rain which was evident by the vegetation. So much green. Even the rocks were green, not mossy, but bright green lichen on them. I'm not sure why I didn't take any pictures through this area, probably just enjoying looking too much. Gwen spotted some mule deer up high. I didn't see them but did see many Mexican Blue Jays.

We drove for what felt like forever, winding our way down and around. The west side of us was black from a fire last year and possibly another one this year. The road seemed to be a break for it, as on the other side the plants seemed to be just fine. We arrived at Parker Canyon Lake around 2:30. We got out and walked around, watching the swallows, as they swooped down.

We spent quite a while at the lake, talking about fishing and letting Lily smell things.  There is a cement path partway around the lake and we walked along that. You could see how much less water there was in the lake than there normally is.

 Natalie had a great time eating mud. Gwen was catching little frogs and Rhayn was just watching the water.

When we left the lake we headed home. Not really sure how to get there, but we knew we'd find it. We took a chance and turned right onto a road that directed us to Fort Huachuca, it took us in the back side of the Fort, and through and area that was beautiful and remote feeling.I am pretty sure this is a better way to get to that lake without driving through Fort Huachuca.

As we got into town the rain was coming down hard. But we needed to stop and get something for dinner, even though, as is traditional, we wanted hamburgers. The rain would keep us from being able  to grill. The grocery store parking lot was a flash flood. The water was running up and over the curbs. Will dropped me off and I ran into the store.

At home, we rested while watching Napolean Dynamite. Then ate dinner and watched it pour rain hoping that it would let up in time for the fireworks.

At 7:30ish we headed into town to find a place to watch the fireworks. It was still drizzling at that time. The rain stopped at 7:50, the fireworks started at 8:10. It was perfect. The weather was awesome, so cool out. We were able to get close enough to the fireworks that we could smell them. Natalie did not like the loud noises, but she seemed to like the bright lights. I put her in the sling and nursed her though much of the noise.

We were able to get out of the parking lot fairly quickly and home by 9:20. Perfect.

Sleep

You, my darling girl are a decent sleeper. I'm really lucky in that way. But you still want to nurse, even for just a moment, about 2 or 3 times at night. I'm tired. I think it just might be time for us all to get more sleep.

I'm going to try out the method described in this article, Sleep, Changing Patterns In The Family Bed, by Dr. Jay Gordon. I love co-sleeping with my littles (or bed sharing) and am not in a hurry for her to sleep elsewhere. I am just ready for her to not wake me up at night. I suppose part of my issue is that I'm not sleeping well because I am hot at night, too.

The article takes a slow approach to night weaning, starting with 3 nights of nursing baby but not back to sleep. Then 3 nights of just patting the baby (and by baby, he is suggesting not starting until baby is over 1 year old, until then the baby may still need night feeds.) Picking 7 hours, likely 11-6 a.m. as no nurse time. Nursing to sleep before is fine and after 6 a.m. is also fine. But those 7 hours are no booby time.

I don't know if Natalie will like this idea, but I do think she's ready. And of course, I am ready.I am not ready to fully wean her, I want her to follow the WHO recommendation of 2 years (at least) of nursing.

Yes I'm babbling and no, I didn't sleep well last night (which is likely the reason I am looking into this!)