37 weeks

I am 37 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks is "full term" of course I will likely have another 3-5 weeks to go. This is good because for the next 2 weeks I am a single mom while Will is away at training.

Today isn't a great day. I can feel my panic rising. I feel hot (duh, Arizona? Summer?) but more than that, I feel like the world is crushing me. Last week I spent time in the ER because of this feeling, so at least I am pretty sure there is nothing that can be done and I just have to wait it out. It is, however, exhausting. I am exhausted.

I am also very much ready to meet this wee one. I want to see her sweet face. I want to smell her neck and head. I want to hold her. Also I really want ME back. I want to eat without feeling sick. I want to enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning.

Panic?

This next 5ish weeks are going to drag. I really, really hope this little one makes an early appearance, because I don't think I can emotionally (or physically) handle 5 more weeks of feeling like this.

I ache. Probably because of my "AMA" (haha) Nothing feels right. I am queasy all of the time. Nothing makes that go away. I am not hungry and have to force myself to eat. I am thirsty but water makes me want to puke.

It is sort of like early pregnancy morning sickness all over again.

I have post nasal drip and it is making me gag, because I keep having to spit. I hate spit, saliva grosses me out when I am not pregnant and even more so when I am.

We are building a deck on the back of our house, and honestly I can't help at all. I sit on the steps and talk to Will whilst he digs holes but I can't help him. I feel useless. Totally useless. I can barely pick up Natalie because if I do I feel it in my pelvis. I can't move things (furniture) because my pelvis feels like it is splitting.

My stupid blog won't let me post pictures. I've tried over and over, which is why I didn't post anything for a few weeks. I would write stuff, get mad and close my blog.

I want to lay in my bed (or the tub) and read. I don't want to do anything else, not even knit. There are no tv shows I want to watch, in fact the tv is irritating to me.

For 1/2 a second today the u/s tech said that my fluid was low, the baby moved and she found more but for that 1/2 a second there was concern and I started imaging this baby actually making an earlier appearance. Last night I also had some panicky moments thinking about that, too. I'm not ready- like I don't have a bag packed or anything... but I am so ready. It makes me feel crazy. When they released me from the NST the nurse said "Now if you went into labor they won't stop it".  That seems crazy. On one hand I feel like I've been pregnant FoR EEEVVVVEEERRR. On the other, I can't believe that in the next few weeks I might be holding this little lovely girl.

Holy crap.

35 weeks.

35 weeks... 35. 5ish to go. I am considered AMA (advanced maternal age) which means they want to do extra tests on me and the baby. Twice a week I go to the hospital and have a NST (non stress test) and once a week a BPP (biophysical profile). For the NST I am hooked up to the monitor for 20-30 minutes while they track her heart rate changes. To make sure she is moving well and that there aren't decelerations. For the BPP I get a quick ultrasound. They check a few things, the tech shows me her sweet face and then I get discharged and I leave.

Of course these things seem silly. I rolled my eyes when the OB said I would do them. And I've run out of fight during this pregnancy. I am rolling with the punches and as long as the tests don't seem invasive I am fine with them. Plus the NST involves me sitting in a quiet room listening to her heart and watching cable (Food Network). It is relaxing and I enjoy it. I don't enjoy having to find a sitter for Natalie while I go, but on Friday Rhayn will be home, as Thursday is the last day of school. And she is an excellent babysitter! (Seriously I don't know what I would do without her.)

I am over being pregnant. But last night I was laying in bed having some nasty braxton-hicks contractions and realizing that she CAN. NOT. COME. YET. I'm not ready for her. I don't have any of the things I think I need- I am not even sure what I need. I need to pack a bag for the hospital. I need to get her some clothes. I need to clean the house (but still don't want to. I can't wait for nesting to start.)

Some 32 week thoughts

32 weeks into my LAST EVER pregnancy 

(Please let that be true.)

~I don't remember getting this uncomfortable this early last time. 

~Why does my belly button hurt? It is stretched flat, but it feels like it is ripping. My skin is dry, I can't lather enough lotion/cremes/oils on it.

~Wow hormones suck. I am not pleasant to be around. Not.At.All.

~Sleep. Oh glorious sleep, last night I think I got about 5 hours uninterrupted sleep and it was blissful. Yet I still feel exhausted and grumpy.

~This little girl is so busy! She moves and wiggles and kicks so much. The other day she kicked me so hard in the same place over and over that it hurt like it was bruised. Thankfully she has moved and is no longer kicking me right there.
~I want to enjoy this last few months with my 3 girls, but I am so over this pregnancy at the same time. Being pregnant while 35 sucks. Being 35 isn't so bad but being pregnant and 35? Suck suck suck.
~I have no idea what I "need" for her. I just can't wrap my head around having another baby. Seriously I feel like I forgot everything about having a baby. And it has only been 2 years since we did this! I think part of it is dealing with a near-teenager and all of the things I am trying to do for her. And poor Gwen seems to get nothing.
~I am tired of being constipated. And not hungry but making myself eat. I miss enjoying food. I am really looking forward to the 6 weeks or so of post-partum/early-nursing hunger. 

To Do Lists

In one week I will enter the third and final trimester of pregnancy. There are still so many things we need to do to prepare for this little one... here are a few.

~Babymoon. I have an anniversary trip/babymoon planned for late April. Will and I are going to go stay at a nice resort and have time for just the two of us (something we haven't done in years). I am really looking forward to it, too.

~Moving Natalie out. She's moving from having a crib next to me, to a crib about a foot away from me. Slowly she will get used to sleeping alone. Then we'll move her into a bed in Gwen's room. (Probably.)

~House projects... We are putting in a new front door. Since we are doing this, the living room is also getting new flooring, and while we're at it, Will and I built a half wall to separate the kitchen/dining area. I want to bring our piano into the front room, and the place it will go was next to the kitchen counter. To protect it from spills we built a half-wall between the counter and piano's new home. The piano won't get moved until we do the floor. So a few more weeks. Tomorrow I will finish the drywall texture and paint the wall. I love it already.

~Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.

~Organizing, organizing, organizing.

~So much more. Seriously I could spend all day listing the things I want to do before she arrives. But so far our list is slowly getting chipped away at.

26 weeks 2 days

Nearly in the third trimester now. Today I am feeling little feet or hands in my right ribs, why my babies love to lodge themselves into my right ribs I have no idea. I can't believe how much I have expanded in the last 2 weeks. It is really cool but at the same time, I am so uncomfortable.

My belly button has popped out. I love this part. I love the feeling of her moving inside of my uterus. I can keep her safe and happy while she is in there.

I can feel nesting starting. There are so many things I want to get done RIGHT. NOW. My list is long and expands all of the time. I need to get Natalie moved into her own space. But then again... I will miss her snuggling with me. I have never tried to make my 2 year old (in 2 weeks!) sleep in their own room. Ok, we did with Rhayn but it didn't work out and ended up being a much bigger mess/deal and she was still sleeping with us most nights until she was about 4.

I am feeling sad about the birth. I just found out that 2 midwives that are local won't be able to attend the birth. I wasn't sure I wanted a homebirth with her, but now that isn't really even an option. That makes me really sad.

Facebook Gender Announcement

 I wanted to do something fun to announce our final baby's sex. And after hours of looking at silly gender reveal parties on Pinterest, I came up with something more like me. A choice of 2 shirts I could wear that day.

I then had Rhayn take a picture of me outside with my jacket zipped up.

And finally with my pink shirt showing proudly.

 

This is a 3D image from the ultrasound I had on Thursday. I have quite a few more but this is my favorite. It looks like she has a more round nose, like Gwen. But it is hard to tell before birth.

I am getting excited to think that in a few short months  we'll welcome her to our family. Right now I am trying to enjoy Natalie's last few months as my baby, but already she seems so big. She still nurses a few times a day, but between me distracting her and her being busy it is only at bedtime, wake up time and occasionally at naptime. I am torn on how I feel about her weaning. I'd like to be done but at the same time, I don't think she is 100% ready to be done. 

Yesterday

I didn't sleep well Wednesday night. My silly dreams about baby kept waking me up or maybe it was the stuffed up head. I'm not sure. Regardless I got up on Thursday morning and Natalie and made the drive to Tucson. 

We arrived early, of course. I didn't know exactly how much time to allow for the drive.

My mom met us there. The lady took us back to the nicest ultrasound room I have ever seen. Instead of a doctor's exam table to lay on, there was a full size bed. Directly in front of the bed is a big screen television to watch the ultrasound on. No twisting my neck to watch the baby. There was enough room in that room for a huge family.

First came the warm jelly. The the whoosh whoosh whoosh of a baby's heartbeat- 144 beats per minute, perfect. Then my little wiggle worm kept moving, making it very hard to find out if it was a girl or boy. Finally the lady paused the picture. "I thought I caught a few glimpses of this but here you can see it. There is her little butt and it is most definitely a girl." Of course I felt a huge amount of sadness. I was 100% sure this one was a boy.

After that we had about 20 minutes of her showing us some great shots of baby girl's face. Natalie kept saying "Awww. baby sister!" and calling her "Abby". (We are mostly decided on a name and it probably isn't Abigail.)

We went out to the lobby and waited for the DVD to finish processing. I texted a few people to let them know it is another sweet girl. Then we went out to lunch and to do a little shopping.

I am still not sure how I feel about this being a 4th girl. I know that girls are great, but there is a part of me that will always be sad that I never get to have a son. I really wanted one. I know I will love this girlie just as much as the others. I know that I will be happy with her, and she is healthy... but still I need to mourn the loss of the son I will never have. And I need to allow myself to do that... and soon. Because I haven't yet. I just don't know how to do allow myself to feel that- to REALLY feel it.

Today

Today I have scheduled an ultrasound at one of those 3D places that aren't doctor offices. For a price they'll take a peek into your womb and tell you baby's gender and give some good pictures.

I am so excited to finally find out that we are for sure having a 4th girl. I have her named and everything.

When we were pregnant with Natalie and decided not to find out, I really thought, for me, that it would be the best way. I saw how sad my sister was at her 3rd daughter's ultrasound. I thought "well if I have the baby in my arms I won't care that it is another girl." And in a way it was true. I was happy she was born and healthy and I wouldn't trade her in.

BUT

I also dealt with serious PPD after her birth. I felt sad all of the time, I cried more. I wanted to crawl in a hole and not come out. Was it because she was SHE? I can't say for sure. What I do know is that I want to find out, so that if this is #4 girlie-girlie, I will have time, 4 months, to mourn my never-son, before her birth. And hopefully I will not deal with the same sort of issues after her birth.

And in the 1% chance that this is a little man, I will have time to make him some super cute boy stuff and get ready for something all new.

Most of all- I get to see a cute picture of my baby today. I will get to see her/him moving around in there. I will maybe even get another picture of sweet baby feet. I love ultrasound pictures of baby feet.

And in a few hours, hopefully, I will know.

23 weeks 3 days

Stretch marks and all... the sticker is from a Mango. Natalie stuck it on my belly and it made me giggle because this week the baby is the size of a large mango- about 1 pound.

Gratitude

It has been harder this pregnancy to find gratitude, even in the little things. I am not sure why. But the weeks are flying by and I don't have much of a record of this one, my fourth, my last pregnancy/baby.

~This week I am grateful~

~to be 22 weeks along. I can feel the baby moving every day now. We still haven't found out if there is another sweet girl in there or not. I have scheduled an ultrasound for February 28th (10 days away) but I'm not sure if I will keep it. I want to know but if I do that one I will be alone when I find out (with Natalie who is my permanent sidekick.) I want to know who is in there, I want to name him/her. I want to buy some little blue or pink things and let my sister know because she wants to make stuff for baby #4. But I also don't know if I want to be alone when I find out.

~that I am coming out of that haze of depression that clouded me for weeks. It was hard to make it through one day let alone to look ahead and see that the sun would eventually come out from behind the clouds of doom. Things that last week or the week before felt like they were pressing on me have lifted. I am feeling human again. In part this is thanks to using an oil blend, I have felt so much better since placing it on my feet in the morning. It may be a placebo affect but maybe it really is helping.

~for a weekend without the big girls. I miss them but it has been nice to just have Will and Natalie around. Natalie goes to bed easily and takes decent naps. Plus I know the girls are having a great time in the snow. 

~for a big anniversary coming up and knowing that even though we won't really be celebrating it then we are going to be planning a nice trip, just the two of us (to celebrate our tenth year married and our fourth baby) in a month or so.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps

Perhaps part of my problem is that this is the point in my pregnancy with Natalie when I made the choice to surrender Penny.
Perhaps that memory is souring this part of my pregnancy. I know it made me sad for such a long time while pregnant with Natalie.
Perhaps I am a mess right now because I think I should be feeling more movement from the baby, but the anterior placenta is still muffling most of that.
Perhaps I just need something to look forward to. I am feeling overwhelmed that I am only half way through this pregnancy. I should be feeling awesome right now, instead I am already uncomfortable. I cross my fingers that this feeling of utter sadness and fear will quickly go away. Maybe I'll even wake up feeling good tomorrow.

Feeling Crappy/Depressed

I'm in a funk. Instead of feeling happy, I feel like I am walking around in a fog. I wake up depressed, I go to bed depressed. I just can't get out of this. It is getting to a point where I should probably call the doctor about it.

I have struggled with depression on and off for as long as I can remember. I have written about it on here before. I don't lie about it.

I miss  my family. I miss my Phoenix friends.

Today I am going to get my hair cut and styled. I'm hopeful that making myself look better might help with how I feel.

I am 19 weeks pregnant. I don't look pregnant but I feel huge and uncomfortable. Because of last weekend's ER visit, I am supposed to be taking it easy and am on pelvic rest. This makes me feel pretty useless. Will and I are redoing our pantry/laundry room, and I have helped out a bit but every time I do I feel off. I feel dizzy, the cramping/contractions start. I haven't had any spotting from it, but I can tell when I've done too much.

I still don't feel the baby move very often. I have a low anterior placenta and I suspect mostly on the right side. Once in a while I feel that bubble popping feeling that is a baby thump. Sometimes I feel a full on baby flip, but mostly I feel nothing. And it makes me worry. I've never had this before. I've always felt the baby wiggling in there as soon as earthly possible. (I swear I felt Gwen at 12 weeks!) I think that this causes me a lot of silly worry.

Then there is the sex/gender of this little bubs. I know that I am still not even 20 weeks, and there is a very good chance we'll get another peek in there in a few weeks. I just thought I would know by now and that I could start getting to know this one, calling her/him by his/her name or at least really walking about names. I was sure that I would be feeling better, instead of worse.

I really need something... but what?

Disappointment

Yesterday morning, bright and early Will, my mom and I left the house. My dad stayed here to watch the kids and would meet us later at IHOP for brunch.

We arrived at the doctor's office, and waited for our ultrasound appointment. It was late as always, and I was really nervous feeling.

Friday night we'd been to the ER because of some uncomfortable cramping and a little bit of spotting. Everything looked perfect with the baby though and I was sent home and told to rest all weekend. Do you know how hard it is to rest when your husband is building things? Normally I help out but I had to sit and NOT do anything. Saturday we'd run some errands and by the late afternoon those uncomfortable cramps were back and regular again. I knew I needed to take it a little more easy on Sunday.

So Monday rolled around and we finally are taken back for the anatomy scan. Of course the tech asks if we want to know the gender, and I say "If we can we would" ugh words I would regret 10 minutes later.

She shows us the head and takes her measurements. Everything looks good, the baby's heart has for perfect chambers and is pumping blood exactly as it should. She moves down and looks at the baby's legs. We get a lovely picture of a fat little hobbit foot.

And then, she say "let's see what we have in there" and... nothing. Tight legs, and no moving. Nothing. She wiggles the wand, she shakes the baby, nothing.

She gives up and says "Since you are of 'advanced maternal age' (over 35) the doctor also needs to look, maybe she'll have better luck."

Nope.

No reveal.

Nothing.

The baby had his/her legs closed tightly and then moved her/his hands down over that part. So not even a second to peak. 

And as the tech told me we were all done I had to hold back tears. All weekend I had felt so much stress about this. But there was nothing. And I felt such a huge rush of sadness. I don't think anyone gets how badly I feel about it. I know Will doesn't. He just made his normal "well it is a girl we don't need to see that to know" jokes. But we're already having a rough weekend/week/month and that didn't help.

I still want to cry about it. I think I need to cry, maybe I'll feel better. I don't know. I just feel so overwhelmed by everything right now. And I don't know how to make it better.

Year-End Gratitude

We woke up this morning to snow on the ground (and cacti and vehicles and trampoline) and falling from the sky. It was amazing and a perfect way to end a great first year in Sierra Vista. 

We are all thankful for our lives here. Everything here seems to just feel right. This slower pace of life fits what we want for our family as well as our interests. Our kids seem happier, though we all miss the good friends we made in the valley. 

~I am thankful to be 15 weeks into this pregnancy. Everything seems to be going well. I'm feeling better most of the time. (Not so much today, but that has to do with crappy sleep last night, I think.) I can feel the baby moving and can no longer sleep on my stomach. I want to get a picture of my belly, I look pregnant and I can't believe how quickly this is going. In 3 weeks we'll find out if we're going to have another girl or if our lives are going to change with a boy. 

Crossed fingers.

Tonight my fingers are crossed that in the morning, at the ultrasound I have scheduled, everything will be perfect with Quattro. My fingers are also crossed that I will sleep well tonight because my nausea is worse if I don't sleep well and this week hasn't been a good sleep week (stuffy noses and 1 doesn't want to night wean toddler). Last night I was wide awake from 2-3 am. WIDE awake, and unable to shut of my brain (which was worried about half and half, stupid pregnant brain!) I hope that doesn't happen tonight. And we get to sleep in a little tomorrow morning because the girls asked me to drive them to school.
But tomorrow I will see the baby. Friday I have an appointment with the nurse at the OB/GYN office (including fun things like a pap).
And after that only 1 more week until Will gets home.
And less than 2 weeks until Christmas is here!

Gratitude

This week I am thankful for

~12 weeks and feeling what I think might be  little thumps occasionally from Quattro. 

~feeling a little less queasy during the day, most of the time, and able to eat almost everything. (Just wishing that the evenings weren't filled with the queasiness.)

~sleep, because I am able to sleep.

~friends around here who actually do stuff that makes me leave the house once in a while.

~An ultrasound on Thursday. Though this one makes me nervous because it is a called a Nuchal Translucency screening, it measures the amount of fluid in the back of the baby's neck. An excess of fluid build up can indicate chromosomal abnormalities (down's syndrome).   It was something I opted for, partially because of my age and partially because it means I get to see the baby this week. I am excited about that, but worried that there will be something wrong. If this test comes back abnormal then CVS or amino can be done to find out what (if anything) is wrong, or you can wait until birth. I only wish that Will was home to go with me to this.

Gratitude

I am thankful for

~11 weeks along. Knowing the feeling like puking* will eventually get better and at some point I will feel awesome. And at the end of this all, a new person will join our family.

~my awesome kids. Sure they fought often this weekend, but while I was down all day Sunday they were good, and let me rest. 

~tylenol. Yes it barely takes the edge off the migraine, but it does take enough of the edge off that I can sit upright. But I do miss excedrin migraine- I haven't been able to take it in years because of being pregnant or nursing. 

~Natalie letting me nap through the worst part of my migraine this afternoon, she even stroked my head a little bit while we watched Bolt. 

*I've thrown up twice today and I am pretty sure it has more to do with this stupid migraine on top of the pregnancy than anything. But I had even taken an anti-nausea medicine this morning hoping that it would help me be able to eat, instead I am pretty sure it is the reason I have the migraine in the first place. So hopefully if I don't take it again this headache will go away and I can go back to just feeling queasy all day and throwing up once in a while. Because I can not take this.

General stuffs

Natalie can say sentences. She makes them often, just now she came up, and asked me "mom? bite cheese?" because I am eating string cheese (one of the things I can usually eat when I am feeling queasy and have yet to throw up.) Sometimes when she asks for a bite she will sign "please" by making big circles on her chest. It melts me when she does that.

In the morning she tells me to get up by saying "Bup!"
She calls nursing "nuh nies" and asks for them often. We're still nursing often and some days I am fine with it and other days I am sooo over it. But she isn't even 2 and she looks so heartbroken when we can't (or I won't let her) nurse.

She has been hitting and scratching lately. Rhayn seems to get most of it, and I have no idea why. I need to stop it NOW. No idea how though.

I got a prescription for Zofran, which is an anti-nausea medicine that is considered safe while pregnant. I took it yesterday and for didn't feel queasy in the evening at all. In fact I cleaned the kitchen and made dinner for us all, plus we sat down and ate it together. It was nice. Except that it gave me really painful gas and that kept me up all night. But I was able to drink lots of liquids and finally felt hydrated (something I've been struggling with this time around) though that also kept me up with all the peeing.

I don't like taking it and I am worried that it may be the reason I have a headache today (side effect #1, another is constipation). But it feels sinus-y and I have thick mucous along with it. I know you wanted to read about the stuff on my tissue didn't you?

But I don't feel sick and if I just take it for a few days and get the house back to order (I haven't cleaned the floors in weeks! They are nasty.) it may be worth it, besides I'm having some friends over on Wednesday and I need to get the house presentable and make some banana bread and chai before they come over.

But for now, I am going to nap and watch some crappy t.v. Maybe even a Christmas movie. 

Birth Choices

My first was born in the hospital. I did all the "normal" things, like getting an epidural and episiotomy even though she was a wee little thing at 6 pounds 14 ounces. I am thankful that I made that choice then, because of her cleft palate, but really it was never a "choice" it was just what I thought everyone did.

Gwen and Natalie were both born at home with the same midwife. With Gwen my experience was awesome. I felt like superwoman! afterwards and wanted to walk around yelling about how awesome it was. With Natalie, it was not the same at all. It was more just something I felt like I had to do. I didn't love the experience and part way through really didn't care but it was too late at that point to turn back.

I never thought I would face this choice again.
But here I am- thinking about birthing this little one. And knowing, at this point, that I will go to the hospital here in town (not driving 1.5 hours to Tucson, not with my fairly short labors and plus that is just too dang far.)

Why?

Because in my heart, in my gut, it feels like the right thing to do this time.
Because I kind of want those few days in the hospital with just Quattro and Will, while the girls are at home (being cared for by my parents, ahem, though they don't know that yet.)
Because I want the birth to be just Will and myself and the baby- and I know that will never happen at home. 
Because I don't have my old midwife and without her, it isn't as worthwhile.
Because I still have months to chose but now this feels right. I want to go to the doctor and have access to their ultrasound machine, and tests and all that stuff, I don't know why, but I want it this time. 
Because I just want to and I don't really have to justify that to anyone.

2 weeks ago when I had my early ultrasound the tech told me that the office I chose is hiring a midwife to work in their practice. She is currently completing training in Tucson and will most likely start around March.

How awesomely perfect would that be? If I could still get the midwife experience while having the doctor there, too? I think it might be exactly what I want. I mean a birth center would be really ideal, but I haven't heard much good stuff about the one in Bisbee or Tucson (again not driving to Tucson!) And hopefully it all works out how I picture it in my mind when I think about the birth. Though that is really far away, still so many months to go and I am not currently dwelling on the birth (I'm dwelling more on the sex of the baby, whom I think is a boy - based on my morning sickness- but I could totally jinx myself by typing that out. And if it is a girl, she already has a name.)