The doctor said it looks like I was passing tissue and the urine test was negative. I was given a blood test but we won't know results for a day or two. But I don't think anything good is coming.

I was ok, until just now, I had taken a nap and now I am bleeding fairly heavily and have bad cramps. I feel terrible. I feel sad. Can I just sleep for the next few days?

Anxious

I find keeping secrets hard. Don't you? Especially on my blog. This started out as a place to pour out my feelings, only one of my cousins read it and that was about all my audience was. Now nearly six years later, I know if I write something on here, most of the people I talk to on a regular basis will know. My family will know.

I can keep other people's secrets, just not my own. Plus, I want support for what ever comes of this.

You see a few days ago, I peed on a stick and the second line appeared. I started at it in shock. It was early, my period not due for about five days, but I had a pregnancy test in the closet and by gum I was going to use it. The line wasn't dark, but it was clear and it appeared within moments. I didn't run downstairs thrilled at the thought. I put the test in the drawer and walked away.
The next morning, I did the same thing. I peed on a stick, watched the second line appear and wondered. I spent two days with my knowledge. Two long hard days, but I needed to process it before I could even tell Will. The line was a little bit darker the second day, more clear. I told Will Wednesday evening. I know I posted on Thursday about not knowing. I knew, but I needed to write something about it. I needed to share something without sharing. But it seemed really silly.

All weekend I knew and didn't tell anyone. Will and I finally told the girls Sunday night, because I want to tell the family on Monday.

I went to Coolidge and told everyone Monday night, trying to be sneaky by having Gwennie and Rhayn each wear a "Big Sister" shirt. It all worked out fine and everyone was told.
Then I drove home. I was fine until I got home and went to bed. I started cramping. Not bad, just enough that I could feel it. I couldn't sleep because of it, and I started to worry about losing the baby. I fell asleep but at 3am Will came downstairs because he was awake. When he went back up, I went to the bathroom to poop. I felt constipated. But I was able to go. Unfortunately it made me bleed light pink a little and that made me panic a little more. Needless to say I had an awful night's sleep. When I got up the spotting was brown. And its gone now, but I am scared.

I called the doctor's office and set up an appointment for this morning to check for pregnancy. I am terrified that they will say that I am not. I am pretty sure I will have to have a blood test. So I most likely won't know anything until tomorrow.

I hate this. I hate it hate it hate it. This happened when I was pregnant with Gwennie, too. I spotted and was sure I was losing the baby. I have had 2 miscarriages previously. I think that makes one more paranoid. All I know is that whatever will be will be. If I lose the baby its not the end of the world. I will be sad, really sad, especially on my birthday which is the day after this baby's due date. I know that if we lose this baby, we'll wait a few months to try again. But I also know that its heartbreaking to lose a baby, and its painful. I know all of this, but emotionally? I am such a huge mess right now that I can barely stand it.

Toothy Trooper

Treasure Chest

This morning Rhayn has a dentist appointment to have her canines wiggled out. Since all four were baby teeth, this was not a big deal. She wasn't nervous at all, in fact she seemed a little excited about it.

Her toothy grin.

We arrived about fifteen minutes early and the girls played in the waiting area. When they took her back she looked a little nervous, clutching her stuffed fennec fox for comfort. Gwennie and I waited. Gwennie played with a little boy telling him about the fish in the tank and showing him the slide. (He was most likely barely a year old.)

The nurse told us it would be about forty-five minutes and was right. After forty-five minutes out came a bloody Rhayn. Her mouth filled with gauze. She wanted to sit and play the video games while the nurse told me about the procedure. (I kept Gwennie with me.) She said that we needed to keep the gauze on her sockets for another fifteen minutes, then change it out. After that, if they weren't bleeding anymore, she didn't have to reapply it. I was instructed to give her some tylenol when we got home, before the Novocaine wore off. Then we were allowed to leave.

Four canines in a chest.

She was given her teeth in a small blue treasure chest. Now its just a waiting game until tonight when the tooth fairy comes.

She seems to be feeling better already.

Update- The tooth fairy brought her the four pearls for her tooth fairy bracelet, as well as twenty dollars. Pretty steep, but this may be from a lack of planning on the part of the tooth fairy. I suppose we'll never know.

Gratitude Day 4

I am thankful for healthy children.

Rhayn has had a sore throat for a few weeks, and Monday morning she was so darn grumpy I wanted to leave her in bed. I sent her to school instead. At pick-up she was obviously still in the grumps. She actually fell asleep on the 15 minute ride home. Tuesday she was dizzy when she got up, and I kept her home. Today, she said her throat still hurts so I kept her home and took her to the doctor.

At the doctor office, there was a huge sign that said:

To protect our patients
from H1N1
if you have any
of these symptoms:
cough, sore throat, fever,
please wait in the
sick patient waiting room.
You will be given a mask.

We dutifully sat on that side, and she was given a mask. Then a guy came in, wearing a mask as well, and hacking up a lung. Gross. We were there forever it felt like (about 20 minutes) before we were taken back. Rhayn had a slight (barely there, as in 98.9) temp. But they didn't count that. The doctor talked to me about her symptoms and asked Rhayn about them as well. Then she looked at her, said, "Everything looks fine, but lets test her for strep anyway." That came back negative but she also wanted to do a strep culture to send to the lab. She said Rhayn can go back to school, if she feels up to it.

We came home, my not-sick girls and I. We peeled all of our broken crayons and melted them down into a muffin tin. Now they are outside playing. I am irked that she wasn't feeling up to school this morning, but is feeling fine now. I suppose that she needed a little time off. I also used this time to my advantage and cleaned our guest room (One could actually stay in it now!) We went through our stuffed animals, and bagged the ones we no longer need. Yesterday I cleaned the toy room, and rearranged it. I also cleaned the master bathroom, which really needed it. In a few minutes I am off to clean litter boxes and take all of the trash out for pick up tomorrow.

Gratitude Day 2 (and more on the Vow.)

I am thankful for beautiful weather, a slight breeze and wonderful shade that made my trip to the botanical garden fantastic this morning. (I will have pictures later, right now we are in the middle of switching out our main family computer and I am stuck typing on our laptop.)

Its a little warm here in the valley of the sun, of course, being November we have to have a heat wave. Last week it was frigidly (for us) cold for a whole day or two. That passed quickly and we went right back to the 90s. Yes, its 90 here. Ugh. Good thing we never put the shorts and flip flops away for good, it would be a total waste of time.

Today I had a doctor appointment with a colorectal surgeon. Once again I had too bare my backside to try to find out why I am still having issues with itching and discomfort. Today's appointment was by far the most uncomfortable. Wait a minute and I will get into that.

I arrived at the office a good 45 minutes early. Gwennie was with me, and wanted to make sure that this doctor would NOT be giving her a shot. After filling out paperwork Gwennie needed to poop, so we went to the restroom and I don't know why, because it is totally not normal, my bowels suddenly needed to be emptied. Maybe that office made my bowels think of the colonoscopy preparation. After coming out of the restroom I was taken back to a room, where Gwennie proceeded to ask me a million questions about every item in the room (thankfully the anal probes were hidden in a drawer, but we would get to see those in time.)

Dr. Brown (his real name, I know...) came in and spoke to me, taking notes about my issues. Then he had his assistant come in and help me prep for the examination. I had to pull my pants to my knees and lay on my left side. Then I was covered with one of those paper sheets, like you get in any exam. Only this sheet had a huge hole in it. It bared only my bottom. I was giggling about it when Dr. Brown came back in. He talked me through the exam. It was extremely uncomfortable, seriously, the colonoscopy was less invasive feeling, but probably because I was drugged during it. After a few minutes of looking around he asked the nurse for a small anal probe. I watched the nurse open a drawer filled with metal probes in varying sizes and was thankful that the one she grabbed was very small. That did not however make it any more pleasant. I was wiped clean and he left the room so that I could get my pants back on before he spoke to me about his findings.

Does anyone remember what I mentioned the issue being, way back when? If you need a refresher course here it is. Dr. Brown informed me that I have pruitis ani. Exactly what I Google diagnosed myself with back in March. Ha, I have had procedures and many exams to tell me what Google told me already? I nearly started to cry in the doctor's office. There isn't a lot I can do about this, change my diet, try to keep my bum dry and well, the biggie DO NOT SCRATCH IT. I am irked that it took this long and that I had to pay a deductible today to have him tell me that. He did tell me that if it is still causing me grief in two months to come back. I went ahead and scheduled the appointment because its been causing me grief for nearly a year now I don't really see it changing by January. At that point we will discuss surgically removing my "not so bad" hemorrhoids. Until then I have to just remain diligent and careful.

A Vow: Squat

Here we are again, my 'roids are a-buggin' me. So I was searching the internet for information on them. Come on, you know that if you were plagued by them you would to. (Plus I was on hold while attempting to order a replacement part for a ceiling fan.)

I found this insightful information in Wikipedia's Hemorrhoid entry.

"Based on their very low incidence in the underdeveloped world, where most people squat for bodily functions, hemorrhoids have been attributed to the use of the "sitting" toilet. Dr. Berko Sikirov published a study in 1987 testing this hypothesis by having hemorrhoid sufferers convert to squat toilets. Eighteen of the 20 patients were completely relieved of their symptoms (pain and bleeding) with no recurrence, even 30 months after completion of the study. This chart summarizes the results. This study was undertaken in a very small number of people, when compared to the numbers involved in recognized high-quality trials. Therefore, the results, while highly suggestive, cannot be assumed to provide a firm conclusion.

No follow-up studies have ever been published. The American Society of Colon & Rectal Surgeons is silent regarding the therapeutic value of squatting."

Now you may ask, what is a squat toilet? Look here (Wikepedia's Squat Toilet entry.)

It does make you wonder, doesn't it? I tend to think that they come from a variety of factors, including a crappy American diet. I just called the gastroenterologist that did my colonoscopy a few weeks ago (was that really 3 weeks ago?) He is out of town on vacation. I would just like a day to go by that does not involve me itching and using hemorrhoid cream (which doesn't seem to help anyway.) I thought that the high fiber diet would help, and yes my poop is different, and after the initial increase in gas, I am feeling better. I am still just uncomfortable. Maybe I need a 'roid donut to sit on? Maybe I need to exercise more? Maybe I need them surgically removed? Maybe.... maybe... maybe. All I know is that this? Its not cool and I am done with it.

A Vow: The Scope of Things

Thursday morning was just like any other morning, make the girls breakfast, make Rhayn a lunch, get dressed. Only after we dropped her off, I would be headed over to the Endoscopy Clinic to be given conscious sedation while a long tube was sent up my backside to check out my innards and I hadn't been able to eat for over 24 hours and I hadn't had a drink since midnight.

I packed Gwennie some things to munch on and toys because Will was planning on sticking around the clinic whilst I was indisposed. I was scheduled to be taken back at 9:30, and we got there with plenty of time to spare.

We sat and listened to a crazy man talking about the UFOs and space, as well as time, travel. He went on and on at a decibel that meant we should listen to him. He said he planned to build a spacecraft that would go "about a million miles an hour, just a simple one." It was quite entertaining. He also mentioned how he had been about five thousand years in the future and about two thousand years in the past, but it wasn't like he planned it.

I was finally called back, and kissed Will on my way back. I was led to a room full of beds with curtains around them. I was shown to my bed, given a robe, and told I only needed to undress from the waist down. I did so, then lay on the bed, with a blanket over me and Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris in my hands. (I read very little, because I was listening to the person to my left talking about how she used to do heroin.)

After a few minutes a nurse came over, she asked me a bunch of questions, including "Are you pregnant, or do you think you might be?" I knew, because I am in tune with my body, that I was due to ovulate right around then. She took my temperature which was slightly elevated (indicative of ovulation.) I was told another nurse would be over in a few moments to put in my IV. This is when I started shaking. I do not like IVs, they scare me, they hurt. This kind old black nurse came over, and joked with me, while she had me take deep breaths. She commented on my "tiny little veins" and blew out the first time she tried. Then blew out the second one, and that one really hurt (still does.) She said her limit was two tries and she called over another nurse who got it to work immediately (with less pain.) Another nurse came over, to wheel me back to the room, and to give me my drugs.

We got to the room, it looked like an ultrasound room. There was soft music playing in the back ground. The doctor came over and asked out my day had been the day before, had everything come out alright? Yes I said. Then I hear him mutter something about two different kinds of medication and I didn't see him again. The nurse put something into the IV and it hurt just a little. I concentrated on figuring out what the music was, and the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery area, and was being asked if I would like some juice, or water, as they nurse pressed on my abdomen. I chose orange juice. Then I was told I could put my pants back on. (Which I did clumsily while trying not to fall over.) I vaguely recall sipping orange juice, and falling back into a dream land.

Some more time must have gone by, and I was helped over to a recliner, where I could barely sit up. The kindly black nurse asked me if my ride was outside or did we need to call them. I told her he should be there and to check, but we might need to call him. I dozed some more, and another nurse came over to sign my release papers. She said my ride was outside "and the baby is asleep." (It wasn't until later I realized she meant Gwennie was asleep, she isn't really a baby in my eyes anymore.)

I stumbled to the waiting room, and once again its a blur, and I was in the truck sitting down. Will asked me if I wanted to get a milkshake, since I hadn't eaten in a while. I must have said yes, because we were in the Jack-in-the-Box drive through and I had a vanilla milkshake in my hands. He took me home. I put on Harry Potter. I collapsed on the sectional while he went to get Rhayn and run a few errands.

I slept deeply for a while, until I heard Penny outside whining. I went outside, and couldn't find Lily. I walked to the front of the house and called for her, she came running happily from the neighbor's side yard. I sighed, took her inside, and lay back on the couch and fell back asleep.

The phone rang some time later, and I told Will that I was fine, and how Lily had gotten out. Then hung up the phone, sipped my milkshake, thought about getting up to make a baked potato before I fell back to sleep.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in the dream-like state, even after they got home. I still feel a little out of it, and am really tempted to lay back on the sectional and rest some more (to another Harry Potter movie.)

A vow: Quick Update

I am still not feeling 100% from the sedation, but wanted to let all my loyal readers that I am fine. The procedure went well, I have a couple little things wrong but nothing a nice high fiber diet won't help. I will post more tomorrow when I am feeling better.

Thanks for any well wishes and good vibes you sent my way.

A Vow: In Preparation. Liquids and Laxatives (TMI!)

Oh, yuck. Yuck yuck yuck. Um, yuckers.

Many of you should STOP READING RIGHT NOW! okay? I am not to blame if you learn way more than you EVER wanted to.

Okay, now.

I am living on liquids and laxatives today.* All I want to do is eat food, I keep thinking about bread, and popcorn, and lettuce wraps from Pei Wei. nom nom nom. Instead I may have chicken broth (no noodles or vegetables), jell-o (but not red of purple colored) and juice (clear). Gag.

My day started with a tasty breakfast of plain bagel and egg whites. Then at 9am, I had to take 4 Dulcolax tablets. Afterwards I could have liquids. At 1 pm I was to start a regimen of Miralax and juice, to equal 238grams of Miralax and 64 ounces of juice. Mix, chill and drink 8 ounces every 10-15 minutes until gone.

Gag.

I chose white grape juice. I had gotten through approximately 48 ounces of the juice and suddenly it all came back up. Retch. I had to call the doctor and ask for advice. Her advice was to chill the juice, give my belly a half hour or so before starting again. My goal, I was told, (TMI Coming up!) is to basically be peeing out of my butt. The stuff coming out my backside should be yellowish clear. Well, I am nearly there. I have a couple more cups of the juice, which is now watered down and iced, which seems to be helping a little with the gag effect, to go.

I am so ready for today to be over. At least Will took the girls out for a little while, he had an errand to run, and is taking them to Bahama Bucks (lucky girls, I could have that, but can't be away from a toilet for long enough to get there, or even more than 5 minutes.)

Tomorrow I will have more exciting news about this procedure, hopefully the drugs they give me are awesome enough to make up for this day. And I hope Will knows we are stopping for Lettuce Wraps on the way home from the procedure**.

*Sounds like a Nirvana song lyric, I think. No cherry flavored antacids though.
**Is it wrong that I think of sex when I hear the word procedure? Its all Dooce's fault, after the birth of her oldest, she discusses how they "reconvened the procedure" as innuendo for resuming her sex life after baby. Its ruined the word procedure for me, forever. I think I may have even linked to that same post some time after Gwennie was born, when we, ahem, "reconvened the procedure". We unfortunately can not reconvene the procedure, at least not today. Tomorrow? we'll see.

A Vow: In Preparation.

On Wednesday I have to take a mad amount of laxatives in preparation for my colonoscopy. I am not looking forward to it.

The actual procedure doesn't worry me at all. They give you some pretty good medication to make it comfortable. It isn't a long process either. The thing that is freaking me out? Not being able to eat all day tomorrow while having to take laxatives to clean my intestines completely out. I like food, and not being able to eat is going to make me grumpy, REALLY grumpy. Will has been warned, and there is nothing else I can do to prepare.

A Vow: Part 4 (In which I turn 50)

The last time I wrote about my little problem, (here) the family doctor wanted me to see a specialist in "that area." About a week ago, I received the approval from Tricare (military healthcare) and the number of the doctor I was authorized to see.

I called and the earliest appointment they had was the 20th of August, but they put me on a list, to be called if anyone canceled their appointment. On Friday I received such a call, asking if I was available to come in on Monday at nine a.m.

Today's appointment was just an initial discussion. Dr. S. wanted to ascertain what was going on and whether surgery would be the best option. He listened to my symptoms and asked many questions. Then he palpated my abdomen. There was a bit of soreness around my navel when he was pressing.

I sat up (without him taking any looks at the area in question, I got to stay fully dressed!) and he started to tell me that before they would remove the "problems" they want to make sure that is ALL it is. Then he asked me if I know anything about Crohn's Disease. I didn't but looked it up when I got home. He did tell me a little about it. Its not likely that I have it, but they want to be sure. With pain around my ileum there could be inflammation there, and that is an indicator of Crohn's.

And then he dropped the bomb.

"I think that our best bet is to go in there and see what is going on. I want you to have a colonoscopy."
Jaw drops. "Ok." (My mom had one recently, since they are routine when you get to that age, and she has some bowel issues that I have never had, dealing with irregularity. She had explained it all to me.)

I am scheduled to go in on the 10th of September. I have my instructions (lots of laxatives the day before and no real food.) They had earlier appointments, but I wanted Will to be home a few weeks before he has to take his wife in for such an awesome procedure. (Plus, it would have been right around when my moon cycle is. Joy, see talking about that, again.)

Until then, I am to keep using the anucort (I love that word for some reason, its fun to say) and try to stay regular, which is not a problem, the only time I am irregular is when I am pregnant.

Good time, I tell ya. Good times.

Spay it don't spray it.

This morning the girls and I got up very early. We needed to take Penelope in to be spayed and the Humane Society offers a free spay and neuter program, called Maddie's Fund*, for pit bulls and pitbull mixes. They also have a first come first fixed policy (no appointments like they did back when Lily was fixed. Speaking of that... check out the cuteness of these pictures. Awwww.)

At 6:45 we were at the place, waiting in line with 2 other dogs and 2 cats. They took us in at 7am, and by 8 we were all checked in and out of there. We were told to come get her between three and five this afternoon.

After we left we headed over the Lowe's to get some sprinkler heads to fix the ones that Penelope had chewed or had simply stopped working. At home I fixed the sprinklers, it wasn't hard, just hot. But now maybe our grass will grow, since its all being watered. (One of the sprinklers has been blocked for months.)

Around eleven we received a call that Nelly was done and we could pick her up after one. Since I was exhausted from the yard work earlier the girls and I lay on the couch and watched a little Harry Potter.

At two we headed out to get her (I had fallen asleep). We paid, received her surgery instructions (don't let her run or play or rough house for 7 days. Uh huh... right.) They gave us her "cone of shame" and told us how to place it on her head when we got home. Then finally they brought her out to us. Unlike Lily, she walked out easily and didn't seem any worse for the wear. Until we got her outside and in the car. She curled up and looked miserable. At home we put the cone on her and as you can see, the drugs haven't worn off, she is still in a sad state.

She can't have anything to eat for a few hours. Poor thing is so tired and out of it, and Lily? She wanted to play. Lucky for me, the "cone of shame" totally makes it hard for them to play properly. Its going to be a long seven days.


*Actually many veterinarians honor it, but the Humane Society advertises it, and automatically hands you the pink paperwork for it, when you come in with any pit-like dog.

A Vow: Part 3

Remember way back when I went to the doctor about anal itching? Yeah. Well remember how I said that they gave me a prescription for anucort? I used it, and sure, it helped, as long as I used it every day. Joy.

Today (well actually yesterday) I decided enough was enough, I called the doctor and set up an appointment for myself to talk about OTHER options. The doctor agreed with me, after a quick look, that I have 'roids. And the next step is to get them removed, surgically. Surgically, by a PROCTOLOGIST. Yup, I get to go see a butt doctor and have a surgery to remove things from my backside.

They sent a referral in to the doctor, so we'll have to wait and see when they can get me in for this awesome surgery. Until then, I have more anucort to make them less painful.

Awesome.

A Vow: Part 2

I finally went to the doctor about my, um, problem today. I know, that was a month ago. I swore I would see a doctor about it within weeks. But we all knew that wouldn't happen.

When I called in, I said I had a yeast infection. I was able to say that on the phone with the 20 year old receptionist. I could not say "I have an itchy rectum," it just wouldn't come out. But I made the appointment, and found someone to watch my children. Then slumped into the doctor's office five minutes late. I was taken back quickly and weighed. I have to say that I have been weighed a couple of times in the past week, and the numbers surprised me a little. I am at my "5 months pregnant with Gwennie" weight. But I digress.

I was put in a room and my temperature was taken, this was followed by the pulse count and blood pressure, during which the nurse asked why I was being scene. I took a deep breath. (I can do this, I breathed out.)
"I am itchy, down there."
"Oh, like a yeast infection?"
"No, its not a yeast infection."
"How long has it been going on? How many days?"
"Um, more like months."
"Did you try to treat it with any over the counter medication?"
"No, its not a yeast infection, I mean, its not my vagina."
"Oh, your rectum."
Sigh "Yes, that is what I meant. My rectum itches."

The nurse gets one of the paper blankets out of the drawer and says the doctor will be in momentarily to talk to me, then he will have me take off my pants and have a look. She will come back when he does that.

Joy.

We talk, discussing my issues, and how long its been going on. I tell him I have hemorrhoids, have on and off since Gwennie was born. (Probably since Rhayn, but they were worse with Gwennie.) He tells me that those little buggers are probably what is causing my itching. But he needs to look.

We'll skip the anal probe. I don't want to relive it.

It is just some serious 'roids causing irritation. I have a prescription for some medication that should help the inflammation. If the issue doesn't go away within two weeks, I need to go back and we will discuss surgery to remove the offending 'roids and the skin tags they have created.

Joy.

A Vow

Like most women who have ever been pregnant, I have experienced hemorrhoids. They are uncomfortable and extremely annoying. They had completely gone away after I had Gwennie, only popping up once in a blue moon. You see, I am extremely regular. I rarely defecate more than once a day, and it is almost always in the early morning. Its nice being regular. Its not not having constipation, or diarrhea or any number of issues with digestion. I think I was just a bit too smug about that.

About a year ago, maybe, I started getting the 'roids again. Flare ups of a most uncomfortable sort. It is irritating to no end. They will not go away, either. With them has come an uncomfortable urge to scratch. I mean, its ridiculously hard not to scratch. I have to admit to falling prey to that undesirable urge more often than I would like to.

Chances are that I have compounded the issue. I think I have given myself pruritis ani. Sounds fancy, huh? It just means itchy anus. Because it has been going on for such a long time, I am starting to think I should see a doctor about it. I mean its bothering me every day. Every. Day. I have found great information on the internet (huh, there I go, self diagnosing again. Bad, Leaner, bad.) But it looks like the only thing I can really do to help, is be gentle to my anus. And. Not. Scratch. This is easier said that done. But I vow to no longer scratch. I vow to somehow avoid it, at all costs. If this doesn't help, then I vow to see a doctor in two weeks.

Did you know that stress can cause it? That excessive moisture (sweat) in the area can cause it? Well, it can. As can our friendly neigborhood 'roids. Look at this list of food I should avoid- milk, citrus fruit juices and drinks containing caffeine, such as coffee, tea and cola, may be aggravating for some people. Similarly, some foods that may be a problem include chocolate, fruits, tomatoes, nuts and popcorn. Um, yeah I haven't eaten a bag of microwave popcorn every night this week, not me. But this has been going on longer than that.

You want to know one of my biggest fears in all this? That I will have to see a proctologist. I don't want to have a colonoscopy. (But I know someone who is having one of those soon or recently had one, maybe she will tell me that they are not that bad. OK? Its alright to lie to me.) This fear is only second to my fear that it will be colon cancer. But again, my internet research quelled that fear a little, if only a little. I mean there is no reason to think that it is that. Honestly, I am just a bit overdramatic sometimes.

Is it healed yet?

Apparently I never wrote about Rhayn and my trip to the emergency room back in October or maybe I did and just can not locate that post.

Regardless of all of that, back in late October I was taking a bath whilst the girls watched a movie. It happens often at this house. I need some time to myself. They are a few rooms away and I can relax in a hot soaky bath of my own filth.

On this particular evening the girls were laughing hysterically from my room while I tried to relax. After a short time, I hear crying, and Gwennie comes running in to the bathroom, strips and, still crying climbs into the tub with me. I get out of her that Rhayn was spinning the chair and she fell off. Not a biggy, no damage done.

Fast forward about twenty minutes or so. I was on my computer (like always if you ask Rhayn) and she tells me her head hurts. I finally drag my hand from the mouse to feel her head. There is a bump there. It feels... sticky? Oh no- blood. I call people, and finally get someone to calm me down and she offers to watch Gwen while I take Rhayn to the ER.

Rhayn ended up with NO stitches or staples or anything. They. "tied". her. hair. Weird, but I was tired and didn't care at that point.

Zip right along a few months. It is not healing, in fact it looks worse. The scab keeps oozing and has grown from the dime sized cut area to encompass more of a silver dollar size. The center is bulging and if you push on it, greenish pus comes out. I clean it repeatedly. But it never really looks better. I search the house for anitibiotic cream (had been using hydrogen peroxide on it and leaving it alone before that.)

She stood very still while I clean the sore area, and pin her hair away from it. The scab came off fairly easily. But the red part that should have been healing was bulging out. I press on it and she yells that it hurts.

We keep her hair pinned away from it for a few days, letting the gash dry out comepletly. All the while applying neosporin a few times a day. The second day, it seemed to "pop" and the sore started looking normal. Yesterday I had my friend's pediatrician huband look at it. He told me to watch it, make sure it does not look MORE red, but that it appeared to be healing.

I would have taken her to the doctor last week, but it was New Years, we had company, etc. It just wasn't the best time. I know they would have just cleaned it and given her a prescription for an antibiotic.

Luckily everything looks so much better today. I think she will have to avoid showers for a few more days. I had her take one tonight and the wetness made the sight look horrid again.

Strepity Strep

Yesterday Rhayn and I woke up feeling a little under the weather. This didn't go away. But I watched Rhayn all day for fever, etc. She just felt bleck and had a sore throat. This morning she awoke and said it really hurt, and she didn't want to go to school. So I called the school, Gwen's day care, and the doctor. Then I emailed my teacher to get today's notes.

The doctor was able to get her in this morning at 9, which was awesome. I was pretty sure this illness is out yearly bout with strep throat. I was right, it looks like strep, and Rhayn is on antibiotics for ten days.

We stopped at Target to get her prescription filled and Rhayn had fallen asleep in the car. (So not like her, totally weird actually. She never sleeps in the car!) We picked up the scrip and some other things that we really needed like a grow-a-pony and grow-a-pet. We walked around looking at the Christmas decorations. I don't feel an immediate panic when I see them like I did a few weeks ago. Must be that whole desensitization thing I am bombarded by Christmas every where I go, including the car (my favorite radio station has turned all holiday music all the time a few weeks ago.) Or maybe it is that I am ill as well, and feel totally like a zombie walking through Target.

At home I called the school again, to let them know that Rhayn has strep so they can send out the contagious disease letter (this is only the second time Rhayn has been the cause of the letter, in kindergarten she had Scarlet Fever.)

Since I will be home for the next few days- I guess I can study my bum off in Espanol and hopefully I will do well on the test later this week. This also throws off my week, once again. She will have to stay home until Wednesday. And next week is a three day week, too.

Don't Take Away My Rights

Read this article.
This is going to become a battle. Homebirthers are well educated and fight for their rights, tooth and nail, all the way. If the AMA and ACOG chose to pursue the legislation that they are talking about this will be all over the news before long.

It seems like those doctors feel threatened by women who want choices. Threatened by women who say birth is natural and our bodies are strong. If women start believing in our bodies, and the "magical power" our bodies have to fight to survive, then women will help their children believe it, too. As the years go by, we will go to doctors less and less for trivial little things that hey can't help us with anyway. The pharmaceutical companies will actually need to spend time developing cures for things like CANCER and AIDS, and not things like pills to help women grow eyelashes.

Really, how likely is that to happen? There are many people now who rarely go to the doctor (myself included... oh wait, I am one of those crazy homebirthers, aren't I?) Americans are not, on the whole, ever going to get off of their asses and do something to better their lives. That is not the American, get rich quick and have a beautiful body, dream. We as a people are l-a-z-y. We love movies where heroedom is thrown into an unsuspecting normal person, while he whines about it being too hard (Luke Skywalker.) But really, the only way to insure that we will do well in life it to actually do something. Get off of your bottom, turn off the television, or computer, and get out of the house. Just do something.

I can tell you that I will be doing something to help the Midwives and Homebirthers of America retain their right to practice midwifery, and birth where they choose. I don't know how, but I will.

Busy Day

Last year when I went to the dentist, Gwen panicked and wouldn't actually let me have my teeth cleaned. So today I was a little worried. Rhayn went back, had her cleaning and everything is good. Then it was my turn. Luckily, Gwen was distracted by the large basket of silly little toys that kids get after a cleaning. I had taken some ibuprofen because the last few times I have gone, as she was cleaning my teeth it hurt a little. So I decided to take preventative medication. She told me that was probably a good idea.

After the dentist, I took Rhayn to have a hair trim. (Not a cut, saying a hair cut makes her nervous, because she is trying to have "long hair for braids" at the moment.) I adore the lady who cut her hair. I prefer her to cut my hair as well.

Following the hair trim, we decided to get lunch, as it was already eleven. Rhayn picked Chinese food, then I asked her if she wouldn't prefer onion soup. Her reply was, "Oh, Yeah! I forgot about onion soup!"So we ate at Mimi's.

It was nearly noon by this time, and instead of taking her to school we went to Target. I know, she should have gone to school, but I rarely keep her home. Plus, even if I took her to school, it would have only been about three hours. I still needed to go to the grocery store as well.

Needless to say, I am wiped. I wish I could just sit on my bum but I had to put away laundry. Now its time to start prepping dinner. Maybe after dinner I will get to rest? Do you think?

Updates

I have been so busy lately I haven't had time to write anything and I hate that. I feel like I have so much to say but its all stuck inside because I haven't been able to sit down when I feel the need to write.

Today I have very little to say. My weekend was busy, Saturday I spent the day studying for my midterm. But the testing center closed at five pm so I took the midterm Sunday at 11. After that I raced home and got the girls and we headed to Hairball's baby blessing potluck. We missed the blessing, but I had to take the test! Plus, I would have just been chasing Gwendy around the church, she is at THAT phase right now, and man its no fun!

After we got home I went upstairs to bed, and watched Night at the Museum. Will had watched it earlier and so did Rhayn. I lay in bed with the heating pad because- yup you guessed it!- I have a sore red booby again. This was the worst yet, because I didn't have time to rest all weekend. Ok, I could have made time, but I didn't. So Sunday I rested with the heating pad and some gatorade. I did not take any medicine, because I was monitoring my fever, it only was about 103 at the height of it all. I have an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow afternoon, bu I am hoping to call and cancel it because I feel miraculously better (heres hoping!)

I keep thinking that maybe its my body telling me that I need to wean Gwennie, but then she looks at me, with that pleading expression. How can I deny her? How can I take it away? She is so little. Plus the World Health Organization says breastfeeding until two is better. Who am I to argue with WHO on that one? Plus, I just don't want to stop. What if I never get the chance to nurse another baby? Will she be my only? Will she be the only child that I hold to my breast who looks at me with that love in her eyes? Poor Rhayn missed out on so much by not being able to nurse, and there is always that chance that we won't have another or that if we do they will not be able to nurse. I am aware of that possibility, so I am not ready to be done just yet.

Monday I felt better and went to the Arizona Association of Midwives "Day of the Midwife" picnic/potluck. I was hoping to see my midwife, but wouldn't you know she was on a birth. I did see a few member of the birth community that I hadn't seen in a while. And the recognized me (at least as someone who used to come to the birth circles. Still makes you feel good to be recognized by those you look up to!)

I headed back to my area and picked up Rhayn. We went home and I sat down and rested some. Then our roommate (have I talked about him? Its Will's buddy who is staying with us while he gets his life in order and saves money for his own place.) Rock asked Will if he wanted to go see Page the Village Idiot play at their old hangout. He plays there every Monday from what I understand, but Will had taken Monday and Tuesday off to write some papers for school. He needed a break so he would be fresh to work on the other bit today. I told him to go and have fun. So I went to bed rather early. It was nice to snuggle in bed under th covers, as I was shivering and sore all over. I worry that its more than mastitis, because its never caused me so much grief in the past. I admit that I feel SOOO much better today. I took Rhayn to school this morning, and have been sitting on the couch since then. I plan on maybe heading to the library to get a few more movies. This week I borrowed The Fisher King (per my mythology class) Frida, and Funnyface. I think my sister needs to watch Funnyface, Audrey Hepburn, Fred Astaire, totally up her alley. Plus there is that crazy dance that the Gap used in its ad campaign for Back in Black in that movie. Frida was strange. I enjoyed it, but way too much for most people, I think.