Happy Halloween!

Hope you all had a fun weekend! We did.
Today Gwen had her 1 month well child check up. She is growing well, and weighed in at 10 pounds 5.6 ounces! WHOO HOO! GO mama milk! Everything is normal, and great. They only thing they talked about was "hey she was born at home, so she has been in to the doctor more than normal babies because she didn't get all of those tests they give at the hospital." They are requesting a hearing test. How do they do that with a newborn? Well I guess she really isn't a newborn anymore is she? Big 1 month old bug!

I think Gwen is the happiest baby I have ever met! She did so well on our road trip to the in-laws. Only got mad because she was hungry and that was only really once (each way.) I can not believe how lucky we are!

Now if she'll just start smiling!

(ps- thanks penn-nut for the blanket! I love Carebears!)

"Daddyland"

NPR
if you haven't heard this, it is great. i'll write my thoughts on it later.

Nov 1st---
8:20 am (this is the first time I have been able to sit and write about this.)

I have these feelings, when I see places that make my heart feel at home, I love watching the news and seeing those rolling hills of South Dakota, the majestic Rocky Mountains near the place I lived in Colorado. Driving up I-17 headed North, towards Flagstaff, when you first leave Phoenix, the terrain makes me homesick sometimes, too. I was not born a city girl, so when did I become one? When did I get to the point that I am at now, with my life, when going out for a walk means heading to the local mall? When did I transition into a "soccer-mom?" (Even though I don't yet have the kid in soccer, it won't be long.)

When we go to visit my mom and dad, my dad's backyard is a magical place for Rhayn. She gets there and swings, looks at the fish in the pond, and checks out his flowers and garden. Then Uncle Jesse and Aunt Stacey take him out to feed their horses, so someday she may get to go and visit them on their farm. I really hope that they do get their acrerage, so summers can be spent helping out with farm work, kids really need to get perspective. They need to shovel manure, and bake bread from scratch (and not use a Kitchenaid mixer. Knead that dough by hand it is so rewarding!)

Someone in the family needs to have a farm, they need to have farm cats, so the kids can go out searching for kittens in the spring. They need chickens, so my kids can go gather eggs, and chase the hens around the yard.

Sometimes I wish it could be me, the farmer in the family. I know I would be happier on a farm, happier with that sort of out of town life. To actually see the fruits of my labor, to see land going from nothing to producing. Maybe someday- maybe someday my family can get back to the land, at least we could have a garden.

Weekend

Well this weekend we are taking Gwenniie for her first road trip. We are going to see the in-laws. I am sort of looking forward to it, as its been in the 60s there, while still warmer here. I hope that Gwennie does well in the car, because she doesn't when its just me. It is the ONLY time she cries for more than a second.

So I guess I will be writing about our trip when we get back. I really need to get packing for it! (and pick up the house a little bit, I hate coming home to a mess... and then there is dinner, unless we go out, which isn't alway fun with Gwennie, either.)

YAWN-can I just go to bed for the afternoon and all this stuff will magically do itself?

Spicy Food Strikes!

I don't know if the spicy food (mmmm Kung Pao Chicken!) I had for dinner did it, or watching Nova Frontline World, and a History Channel Show about Galen but I had some rotten horrible bad dreams last night!

I was w/ someone (couldn't see them.) at a rest stop or somewhere, and this car pulled in. There was a guy in the car, a lady outside of the car, and they THREW A HEAD! out of the car. I thought the guy in the car was dead too. So I asked the lady if she needed help. She started to come w/ us but was really out of it. The guy in the car got out and shot himself in the head a few times, but he was still alive. We tried to take off, and he tried to follow us. We ended up taking a wrong turn and were half way across the state of Arizona (at Tabletop? I know that Mesa means table and I think it was somewhere in northern AZ. Weird!)

I woke up it was about 5 am.

I fell back asleep and continued that dream! I hate that, you wake up from something scary and figure when you fall back asleep it will be done and gone, but NO! Its there and more scary!

Only this time, I was back at the Place- and it was a high school! I went into the "death room" and that guy had the other 2 people cooking in a slow cooker! AH! So I dumped it out, and ran. He saw me but I ran really fast and was hiding in the football field when I woke up again and it was time to get up for the day.

I am pretty sure there was more to this dream- more segments, but I don't remember much else. I do remember that "We" were driving through the Navajo Nation.











Beckham- showing off his "kitty boobs."

One Month

Here we are a month later! I am so shocked at how quickly time is going! Gwen is perfect, she hardly ever cries, eats like a champ, and seems to be growing well! (I think she must be 10 pounds by now!)

I am excited for her blessing next weekend, I love the way those white gowns look. Even if we don't go to church often, I think the blessing is important. After all, its all her choice what religion she will choose as an adult, isn't it?

After a couple of hard nights (with her waking up and being so cute and wide awake in the middle of the night) we are getting back to sleeping in the night time. She is very alert around 8 until 10 pm, which works well for us. I get a little bit of Gwen time after Rhayn goes to bed, so does daddy.

In one hour, she will have been here exactly 4 weeks. I keep thinking back on her birth. The way it felt, as its still pretty fresh in my mind. I wrote it down, in a journal that I am keeping by my bed. I write in it nearly every few nights when I am feeding her before bed. I started the story with finding out she was breech, because in my mind that was the starting point of her birth process. I think that she was letting me know that I really needed to relax, but also that maybe Will and I needed to go through the version, because he wasn't ready to see me in that much pain. The whole experience, the 2 weeks of worry, really allowed me to get closer to Gwen and Will. It gave me time to contemplate not having my "dream birth" even though in the end I was able to have it. (Even though I had wanted to walk around the neighborhood while the sun was rising, and greet the day my baby would be born. I greeted the day from inside my house, watching and waiting for contractions to really get going. That was really the only part that didn't happen like I really wanted it to.)

Every time I look back, I feel this swell of love, because Gwen was brought into the world surrounded by people who love her and who love me. What an awesome way to enter life!

hairball

Wanted to let eveyone know that hairball hasn't fallen off the edge of the Earth. She is having computer issues (as in death of her computer!) SO she won't be around for a bit. :(
Hopefully it won't be too long, and she has said she will be blogging soon to let you all know she is ok.
But until then- we'll miss her!

Your 1920's Name is:

Clarabelle Dovie

What's Your 1920's Name?

Sunday, Pictures and Eyelashes!

tlc- check this out! Ahh! So cute! dacheese loved the hat, and can't wait for it to fit Madder. Rhayn thought it was for her. LOL

See dacheese in the background!?
She is looking much better now, getting used to being a mommy.


Here is a picture of some baby feet- one of each, Madder does NOT have skis (or else Gwen does, too!) Guess which "whoot" is which? (Rhayn called them "whoots" for the longest time. She actually said feet not foots today. Ah she is growing up so fast!)

Did your baby have eyelashes? Mine has these short stubby things, Madder has long luscious black lashes (lucky girl, huh?) My in laws with twins (boy/girl) the boy has those adorable big long baby lashes and they girl has practically none. My nephew Gavin has lovely lashes that I am jealous of! Rhayn, she has recently gotten lashes! Hers are dark, and nice. Even with her blondish hair- her eyelashes are dark. Lucky her! I think Gwennie might get some when she is older, but for now- she will be ok with her stubby lashes!

3 Weeks Old

Gwen is now 3 weeks old.

Just this past weekend she broke out like a teenager. Rhayn was about 3 weeks when her baby acne showed up. I don't remember when it went away, though. Her eyes just keep getting lighter and lighter. Oh well, Rhayn has beautiful eyes. I love the green color... I guess I have no chance of having that brown eyed baby this time. At least we have one- Madison is surely going to have big brown eyes. (Lucky you- Bri! She looks like us, and I am slightly jealous, as I look at yet another replica of my hubby.) Gwen's head is oblong, instead of round, like most newborns. I don't know if you can tell from the pictures, but it is longer than it is wide. We still haven't figured out where her nose came from. Rhayn has mine, and Gwen's doesn't look like Will's. We'll just have to wait and see whose nose it is (maybe its her gramma's? Or some long lost relation? Who knows!) Its definitely bigger than Rhayn's was. Yup- my baby has a big nose. But I love it, and her. So it doesn't matter now does it?

I am totally impressed by every little thing Gwen does. She amazes me everyday. Then again so does her big sister!

I can not believe that 3 weeks have gone by. It seems like she has been here forever, though.

Yesterday we went to hairball's house, and hung out. It was nice, to get out of the house, but not feel like I needed to be doing anything. We sat around and talked girl talk, that stuff the guys just don't really want to hear. (Yup- we talked about boobs a lot!)

This past weekend we went shopping for a rocker-recliner. Will picked it up Tuesday, and although it is a nice muted shade of brown (like nearly everything in our downstairs!) it is very comfortable. I just wish we could get into another color.

I have decorated for fall. I think if you live somewhere that the leaves do not change color, you should try to bring that feeling of fall inside somehow. I love autumn colors, the oranges and reds. Its all so rich and lovely. But then again I can't wait until I can take it all down and put up my MOST FAVORITE of all decorations up- the TREE! I love decorating to Christmas! Next year will probably be a little harder as we'll have a 1 yr old that can pull ornaments off the tree, but this year, we have Rhayn, the big girl. She leaves it alone, or sometimes she moves ornaments around, that is ok by me! (I think I did that as a kid.) I need to either make of find some new stockings. I like having them all matching, and we have the 3 matching, but now there are 4 of us. It look forward to shopping for that (gives me a reason to check out the Christmas sections of all the stores! Yippee!)

The Magical Boob

How can such a tiny person look at something with such love?
I swear sometimes when I am feeding Gwennie, she pulls off to look at my nipple with love and admiration. She wants to tell it that its her bestest buddy, her source of food and comfort. She probably wouldn't care who the magical boob was attached to, but since its mine I get to reap the benefits of her love and admiration.
Oh its all so worth it. I love being attached to the magical boob

Again

Its raining, whoo hoo. After threatening all day yesterday and today, looking like it would, it finally has! YEAH! Rhayn was outside a little while ago and said it smelled like rain. Ah- rain in the desert, such a comforting smell!

Gwen is being a bit of a fussy pants today. She had her very first bath this morning (her lovely double chin was getting stinky...) so maybe that was what made her so fussy? I wouldn't think so, but something did!

I was looking at last months array of pictures. Those final days of my pregnancy, the hugeness of my belly. It didn't seem that big when I was wearing it! But the pictures really show that I was bigger then I felt! I guess that is really a good thing. I feel a little sad looking at those pictures. I loved pregnancy again, although this time it was wrought with so much more fear than last time. I am very glad to not be pregnant anymore, I am so happy to hold my little Gwen, to nurse her, to rock her, to look at her and get to know her. I love that little bug! But its sad at the same time.

I must admit, that I really not ready to look back at those pictures, or even read my past blog posts. I knew it, so why did I? I was feeling brave I think! I wonder when I will feel better looking at them, I have looked back in my mind. I have pondered that last week or so. What is different about looking at the pictures? What is different about reading my words? I don't know.

Best Dad

Yesterday was a great man's birthday. (We won't mention the age.) He is an important part of my life, and I love him so much. I only hope that he knows how vitally important he is to all of us.
He is such a great dad, doing everything he can to help his children. He is the best praypa ever. His grandchildren are the luckiest in the world, just because he is part of their lives.

I know that he loves us, and even without words, I can feel his love.

Dad- I love you.

Getting to know me!

1. Favorite quote, verse or song lyric?
A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt

2. If you could meet w/ anyone dead or alive for lunch, who would it be?
Grampa C. I wish I could talk to him now, to sit down and here some of those stories that he used to tell. He is the only person I would really like to have lunch with.

3. Sweetest thing your significant other does for you with or without knowing it?
The night after Gwen was born, I couldn't sleep. SO he brought me some warm milk with a little cinnamon in it to help me calm down. I don't know if that helped or if it was knowing how much he cared at that moment but I was able to doze off for a few minutes before Gwen woke up hungry.


4. Do you wish on stars?
Yes, if I could see them I would!

5. Favorite drink?
Chai Creme Frappachino at Starbucks

6. Favorite meal?
Onion Pakora, papadum, raita, and Vegetable Koorma Curry (from Pasand! MMMM had that last night!)

7. Last person you spoke with on the phone?
Will, called him to ask him to meet me for dinner at Pasand

8. Favorite month?
November and December, the Christmas season!

9. Favorite day of the year?
My kid/s birthday/s

10. What was your favorite toy as a child?
A doll that was very realistic looking, we used him as Baby Jesus when we played out the Nativity at Christmas-time

11. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
Starla we've been friends for about 14 years. Or maybe Elise because even though we are cousins she is one person I call to tell things to, and I usually call her WAY before Starla.

12. When was the last time you cried?
5 mintues ago, those silly postpartum emotions are still running amuck!

13. What are you afraid of?
Mirrors in the dark (huh Elise!!!) Going pee in the night while camping!

14. Favorite flower?
California or Mexican Poppies (the ones that bloom here in spring all golden orange) and Snapdragons

15. How many states have you lived in?
3, Arizona, South Dakota, and Colorado (and I feel homesick for all when I see them on the news. Like they showed Denver had a snowstorm the other day and I really wanted to be there!)

16. If you could change one thing in your life what would it be?
I would have my degree, just so Will would feel better about me staying home.

17. A favorite memory of a family trip.
This is a hard one, as we had so many fun family trips! I can't actually think of anything right now!

18. A nice thing you did for someone and it backfired.
Sometimes I feel like making dinner for Will backfires. If I do it regularly he expects it, and then when I don't make it, he is upset because I didn't make dinner. So it backfires.

19. Something you always wanted to do but are afraid to
Parachuting.

20. Who are your idols?
Clint and Tammy :) seriously, because you guys are everything I want to be when I grow up!

21. Favorite Dessert?
Cheesecake! Mmmmmm

22. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Depended on the day, usually a Veterinarian and a teacher and an artist and a writer.

23. How many candles where on your last B-day cake and when is your B-day?
27, November 22, only a little ways away!

24. Do you dye your hair and if so what color/brand do you use?
Usually when I dye it its to make it darker. And I really need to get out the dye, its getting a bit light from summer and highlights I had put in in June.
brand- Natural Instincts
color-Nutmeg OR Clove

2 Weeks Old

We have made it through so much already, Gwen and I. It seems crazy that she is already 2 weeks old. I can not imagine life without her, or remember it.

So far she is such a good baby. She sleeps at night. I don't know if its because we co-sleep, or what, but both of our girls slept a good deal when we slept. I never really had Rhayn in a schedule, but Gwen, she is in one already. Or maybe I am really delusional. She sleeps at night,waking to eat 3 times. When we get up at 7 am, she wakes up (usually she is up about 6:30.) She stays awake most of the morning, dozing on and off. Then she takes a big nap around lunch time. She wakes up around dinner time for a few hours, and goes back to sleep for the night around 9.

As a whole she is so much easier than Rhayn was. Maybe its nursing her, maybe that is the difference. It was a desire I had, to be able to nurse her. I was so afriad that I wouldn't be able to. I had just assumed with Rhayn that I would be able to, so it was shocking to have to buy bottles and rent a pump. It was hard to make the transition to formula. It was diffucult waking up at night to make a bottle, and have to hold her just so, so she wouldn't choke on her milk, so it wouldn't go right up her nose. Nursing is so much easier, more convienent, and better all around. I feel blessed every time I put her to my breast.

Ugh

Well tomorrow Will goes back to work. I am going to miss him being here most of the time, but...

I am looking forward to trying to get into a somewhat normal routine. I can't imagine what it would be like if he were really going to be home for 10 more weeks (I seriously think I would go insane!) It isn't like he has been a big help to ME since he's been home. He has been getting house projects done. I am thankful that those things are done... I just wish he had been more understanding to my needs. He tried, don't get me wrong, but with his dad here, he had to take care of him. It has just been miserable time!

Ok, I am feeling really hormonal today. Or upset or seomthing, because I want only to complain about him, but at the same time, I do not really want him to go back to work! (AT ALL!) This will all pass, right? I thought I was getting enough sleep, but at the same time, I know I am not. I want to spend some time with him alone, after Rhayn goes to bed, but I can't keep my eyes open. Plus Gwennie isn't cooperative then, she wants a nip in her mouth!

I think I'll just cry a little, then I will feel better. I know I did last night, its not like depression. I am feeling a tiny bit overwhelmed, with the thought of taking care of Gwen, Rhayn, Will and finally me. I mean, I was thinking about having to take the truck for an oil change (yes, Will can do it, but at $20 a change and it means he gets to spend that hour with us instead- its worth it!) and I can't imagine taking it to get it changed and havingthe 2 kids. Total Freak out moment, luckily, Will is going to take it in. I can rest a little easier now.

I know it will all work out, its going to be ok. Lots of people do it, with lots more kids than 2. So it will be OK.



*the man next to me in the pic in the previous post is my father in law.

Private thoughts?

I feel so much better today! I really felt like death yesterday. That headache was miserable, and the fever/chills, horrid! I have never felt like that before!

I am so mad, because some how the stupid "shortcut" buttons on the keyboard have lost what I was typing. Without knowing it, I went back two screens, I tried to go forward again, but NO, my long post was lost... So I will try to retype it. The above was a post that I started this morning, but someone was hungry, so I had to feed her. I didn't get back here until now. Its been a long day.

Private Thoughts-

As a teenager I kept a journal, I was always writing down my thoughts and feelings. I also was deathly afraid someone would find that, and read it. I couldn't bear the thought of anyone reading my thoughts. I even once had a boyfriend who read my journal. (When I lived in Colorado, I kept it in my unlocked car- DUH, where anyone could get it, and he said I never told him anything, so he read it- all of it.) I felt so violated and upset. But really those thoughts would have been better off being said. Most of that dealt with him, and my feelings towards him. So why didn't I tell him? Why have I always felt so closed off?

Now, I write similar thoughts on here. The only real difference? I WANT people to read them. I want to know that I am not crazy. And because I want those around me, those who are important in my life to KNOW ME, to really know me, the person inside. I like myself now, and I think that makes a WORLD of difference.

Infection

Everything was going so well! Then Friday night, I suddenly got the chills and a fever. I looked in "The Nursing Mother's Companion" book. It seems I have mastitis, or a "breast infection." Yeah.

I spent all day yesterday in bed sweating, then freezing. Its awful. My breast hurts less today and my fever is down quite a bit, but its still miserable!

Anyway, I am glad this happened early on, because I am still getting used to the feeling of milk let down and her latching on. So its not a big deal to have another little pain. Although I could do without the fever!

One Week Old!

Its amazing how quickly one week has gone by!

So far everything is going so well, Gwen is the perfect baby. She hardly cries unless her diaper is being changed (and that was only because she had a little bit of diaper rash!)

In this week, I have really had time to get to know her. I am so excited to see how much she changes and who she will end up looking like! Right now, she looks similar to Rhayn at that age, but she has her own features, too. I just hope she looks a little like me! Its weird that the first thought I had after looking at her was that she didn't look at all like I expected. Nothing about her face was what I had pictured. I am used to that lovely little face now. I still wonder why I had pictured a baby so different, maybe that baby face is the boy I think we will eventually have. Who knows!

This has been a busy week, even though I was supposed to be "resting" and being "Queen for a Week." Ha, what a load of crap that is! I really didn't get to rest, what with all of the visitors we have had. I also have had to do a lot, like taking her to the pediatrician and going to see dacheese at the hospital. Its been a busy week!

I can hope that next week will be a little bit better, since we won't have a house guest. Maybe we'll be able to spend some real quality time as a family. Just mama, daddy, Rhayn and Gwen! Ah- its neat to say that! My family!

Grump-a-lump

Ok, so some baby is a bit of a grump today. She has had a hard day, what with meeting her new cousin and everything.

So far she spent nearly all morning attached to me, or looking for me to be reattached. I finally get her to sleep and try to put her down (because I need to empty my bladder!!!) and she wakes up searching for me. Wow, I love this nursing thing, I mean I feel SO needed. Its nice. I am not complaining about it, because I get to be the one she falls asleep on.

Gwendolyn is so much more alert today than she was even yesterday. Its so weird to notice how quickly she is changing. She holds up her head, to look around. She tries to move. Her head control is amazing. It was so strange to hold Madison, because she is so new. She was only 12 hours old.

I am also VERY VERY VERY glad I had her at home! I was watching how pushy the nurse was with Bri and not nursing Madison, because Madison was sleeping. Gwendolyn nursed as soon as she was born, but fell into a deep sleep for such along time, the hospital would have been having a total fit. She didn't feed again until she was 12 hours old. Would they have shoved a bottle down her throat? Is that what they'll do to Madison, even though they know Bri is planning on nursing her? Ugh- I hate hospitals. So not the place for a new mother. They freak you out, making you think your baby will DIE if they don't eat on a schedule from the first moment.

In Love

I am really lucky I think. I was reading Tending Violet this morning and so far I have had none of those problems. My bleeding has slowed to minimal, if any most of the day. My sweet baby doesn't cry hardly ever and so far (knock on wood) I have yet to leak milk.
The spurting jets of poop, well I really do sympathize there. She does poop so much! How does that much poop come out of one tiny little person? I guess its a comfort because it does let me know she is eating enough.

This morning as I was feeding her; sitting in the recliner, boppy around my waist, looking down at her; I finally got that overwhelming feeling of love. Ok, so I have had her nearly a week. Honestly I haven't really had time to fall into total love with her. It seemed odd to me, because I know lots of people fall in love with their infants immediately. I did love her, I was infatuated with her, but I wasn't totally and inescapably in love with her. I am now. Her chubby little cheeks, that double chin. Her little whimpering grunting noises. Everything. I am so in love!

Maybe that was what was causing my bout with the "blues." I am sure it won't go away completely, maybe now it will be more tolerable. I was worried last night about it. I also think Will able to help me quite a bit, can I say I am more in love with him now, too? He really rescued me from the depths of despair last night. All it took was his arm around me, and a few kisses. But that said more to me than any words he could have said. Great, now I am crying because of happiness, instead of sadness. Its still crying. I swear you never realize how hard those emotions will hit AFTER the baby is born. Its like the first month of pregnancy times ten. BAM, the emotional rollercoaster is in full motion!

Just want to relax...

Its going to be better day today, I hope.
Will took Rhayn and his dad to the desert botanical gardens. So they aren't here. I want to relax in the bath and soak my stitches (I tore a TINY bit- like we had to decide if they needed stitches they are so miniscule- but once I tried to pee and it BURNED!!! I was all for the stitches.) but we have some guy dropping off materials for stucco. He is going to put the stucco on our patio cover.

Last night we were headed out for dinner (miserable experience...) and this guy was stopped in front of our house. He said he was willing to stucco the patio cover, for $400. Since we had decided that we were willing to pay up to $500,this was perfect. So he is dropping stuff off and going to come by on Saturday to finish it.

My mom called this morning, and Bri is at the hospital right now, walking and waiting for the gel to take effect. So there may be another baby before the day is out. We'll see. I really wish I could be there for her having just gone through it myself, but with Gwen and still not feeling 100% ME, well I plan on going after Madison is born. Someone will just have to hold Gwen while I go back (I am SO sure my mom would be TOTALLY opposed to that.)

I have a bit of a sinus headache, its "allergies" I caught from my dad last week. I had thought the draining stuffy head was my body preparing for labor, but now I am coughing up a little junk and am not pregnant anymore. So I am sure it is dad's "allergies" he gave them to my mom, too. Since I have had them a week, I shouldn't be contagious, right? If so everyone is going to have them... Oh well. Its only a little tiring and stuffy. Not the worst like I had when I was 3 months pregnant and was wheezing and really sick.

Well I think I am going to attempt that bath- I don't know if I could hear the doorbell from the bathroom anyway... but Its all ok.

Oh yeah- Gwen is cordless now. There is a tiny piece of it still in there, but she has a belly button and no cord left. That goldenseal root or whatever the midwife gave me is theMOST awesome stuff! She is only 5 days old and its gone! Although it makes me a little sad, since I realize how quickly she'll grow up. I need to really enjoy her infancy- no rushing this one- nursing really helps that, I mean you are forced to sit back and take the time to hold them and look at them. I am so glad I can nurse her!

Birth Story

This is a rough draft- but I know TLC at least wants to read it... there is a lot of it missing...



The midwife broke my water at home, around 3 am and it worked. We had been scheduled for a hospital induction 7 am that morning. Luckily, by 6:30 I was having little contractions that were getting worse and were actually making progress. I thought I was in for a long day! By 9 am, the contractions had become almost on top of eachother, and I thought I was going to DIE! I had to have constant pressure on my back and wanted my head buried in something(or pushed against the wall!). I tried being in the shower, and as long as someone was reaching in also putting pressure on my back I was fine.
The midwife tried to check Gwen's heartrate and couldn't find her, so she made me get out and noticed that my labor was moving VERY quickly and Gwen was moving down quickly. She did say I was 90% effaced and 4 cm at that point, but said by the noises I was making that it was going to go fast. She started setting stuff up, while Will and the student midwife helped me onto the toilet.
The noises I was making- the deep "Uhhhhhhh" groan scared Rhayn. She later told me that she didn't like it, and Will told me she was hiding in the closet.
At some point they moved me to the bed again. I guess I made some noise and started pushing. Pam asked me if I was pushing and I just grunted. She checked me and I started pushing for real.
I moved into a squat and was using my mom to support me, I needed someone there.
It hurt, but I knew it would be worth it.
Pam kept telling me to breathe, to not moan.
Finally she asked Will if he was going to catch the baby (I heard this part later) and he at first said no, then she asked him again and he said "shouldn't I wash my hands or something?"
I could feel her head crowning. I was trying to push slowly, to not tear.
I think At one point Pam told me to push slowly, and her head was out. She told me to hold on, checked for cord, and then Gwendolyn was out.
I heard "Reach for your baby"
and there she was - in my arms.

The best part was getting to hold her and looking around my bedroom at my family. My husband who was beaming. My mom, covered in my sweat, sitting back and resting. My dad and sister in the doorway. My older daughter- looking at her new sister, in awe. The 2 best ladies in the world, Pam and Allison- they had helped me do something I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do, they were vital.
and my new baby, still attached to me, in my arms and all mine.
I did it, at home. And it was amazing!

One more day almost over

Will's dad is here, and so far its not so bad. I think I am a bit on the depressed side, more like emotional. I have cried a few times today.
I had to take Gwen to her first doctor's appointment today. ALONE. Will took Rhayn to Costco to get milk and stuff. So I was left to take her alone. It was hard- and I am glad its over.
We got there a tiny bit late, and she was fussing and hungry. I was trying to fill out paper work with a babe attached to me, and in an office full of people. She was screaming, and my mobile phone rang...
It was Will, Costco had a coffee pot we had been eyeing for a year, and they had it in silver OR black. He wanted to know what color I would prefer, but Gwen was being called back at that moment. I had to call him back.
We got back to the room, strip baby and weigh and measure her. She lost a little weight, not much though (she is 7 pounds 10 ounces now.) Everything looks good, and all that is left is the newborn screen, the foot jab.
I sat there waiting for that for 45 minutes, I fed her and waited. Another newborn came in, and mom was having trouble getting her latched on. We talked, she had a natural chidbirth at the hospital with a dr that is well known and liked with the doulas and midwives in the valley. Her baby was only 3 days old.
Finally we went in for the foot jab and it was over.

I suddenly realized that my blood sugar was so low I almost passed out on my way to the car. It was a little scary.

Well, I need to go eat again... Sounds like a FUN morning, huh?

Stress....

Ok, so I am trying to be calm and rest and all that. I know that I need it, and Gwen needs me to rest. Rhayn needs a rested momma- not stressed out no sleep momma like I am right now.

Will's dad is coming to visit TOMORROW. FROM. IDAHO. I've met him ONCE. and he is staying until Saturday, probably- or maybe a few days less as Will's sister also lives in the valley and she has a 3 year old son to visit.

Now, normally this would be ok- but I am still trying to get rest, and get aquainted with my new daughter, and get used to nursing. So its like I really didn't NEED this at all!

I was glad to have my parents here, I didn't feel like I needed to be NICE every moment for them. I don't want the FIL to think I am psycho- but I am really feeling psycho, and depressed too. I just think I need a really good cry, but I don't feel like I will feel better after that.

I just need to keep thinking- I will be ok, I can do this! I had a baby with no drugs, at home, I can do anything.

Update on life

Everything is going so well. I mean aside from not sleeping and being SOOO irritable (I am so glad that my family loves me and knows that this meanie isn't really me!)
Gwen is nursing like crazy, its so weird and awesome. But since I am engorged at the moment- well they are achey and HUGE! I forgot how HUGE breasts can get!

I am working on writing a birth story, because I have so much to say, and I had so much support. Maybe even post a picture (because I have one or two from when I was in labor, and lots of me naked after she was born! Whew- they sure weren't kidding about modesty flying out the window. I think the student midwife asked me if I wanted something to put on and I THINK I told her I didn't care. I really didn't want anyone to leave me!)

Physically I am so exhausted, my back hurts terribly. I feel lazy, because I am REALLY trying to follow my midwife's orders to REST, the whole "Queen for a week" thing. Its hard, I am not used to just letting the house, not go because my mom has been picking up, but I want to help. I am not dead or broken (really) so I feel rather useless.

Last night Gwen decided that she wanted to nurse every hour. I guess in some ways I am thankful because it helped a little with the breast pain. She finally really fell asleep and let me sleep for 3 hours about 1 am.

Rhayn has been such a good big sister. She wants to make sure Gwen is ok, and she wants to hold her all of the time. Its sweet. I knew she would be. She is also a 4 year old, and bored and stir crazy. She wants to play and go places. She is not used to staying home so much. I am so proud of her.

Well I guess I will go. I am still so tired...

Introducing

Gwendolyn Meg

Born Sept 29th 2005
at 11:09 am

8 pounds
21 inches long






(we'll get a better picture later!)