20100315

Anxious

I find keeping secrets hard. Don't you? Especially on my blog. This started out as a place to pour out my feelings, only one of my cousins read it and that was about all my audience was. Now nearly six years later, I know if I write something on here, most of the people I talk to on a regular basis will know. My family will know.

I can keep other people's secrets, just not my own. Plus, I want support for what ever comes of this.

You see a few days ago, I peed on a stick and the second line appeared. I started at it in shock. It was early, my period not due for about five days, but I had a pregnancy test in the closet and by gum I was going to use it. The line wasn't dark, but it was clear and it appeared within moments. I didn't run downstairs thrilled at the thought. I put the test in the drawer and walked away.
The next morning, I did the same thing. I peed on a stick, watched the second line appear and wondered. I spent two days with my knowledge. Two long hard days, but I needed to process it before I could even tell Will. The line was a little bit darker the second day, more clear. I told Will Wednesday evening. I know I posted on Thursday about not knowing. I knew, but I needed to write something about it. I needed to share something without sharing. But it seemed really silly.

All weekend I knew and didn't tell anyone. Will and I finally told the girls Sunday night, because I want to tell the family on Monday.

I went to Coolidge and told everyone Monday night, trying to be sneaky by having Gwennie and Rhayn each wear a "Big Sister" shirt. It all worked out fine and everyone was told.
Then I drove home. I was fine until I got home and went to bed. I started cramping. Not bad, just enough that I could feel it. I couldn't sleep because of it, and I started to worry about losing the baby. I fell asleep but at 3am Will came downstairs because he was awake. When he went back up, I went to the bathroom to poop. I felt constipated. But I was able to go. Unfortunately it made me bleed light pink a little and that made me panic a little more. Needless to say I had an awful night's sleep. When I got up the spotting was brown. And its gone now, but I am scared.

I called the doctor's office and set up an appointment for this morning to check for pregnancy. I am terrified that they will say that I am not. I am pretty sure I will have to have a blood test. So I most likely won't know anything until tomorrow.

I hate this. I hate it hate it hate it. This happened when I was pregnant with Gwennie, too. I spotted and was sure I was losing the baby. I have had 2 miscarriages previously. I think that makes one more paranoid. All I know is that whatever will be will be. If I lose the baby its not the end of the world. I will be sad, really sad, especially on my birthday which is the day after this baby's due date. I know that if we lose this baby, we'll wait a few months to try again. But I also know that its heartbreaking to lose a baby, and its painful. I know all of this, but emotionally? I am such a huge mess right now that I can barely stand it.

4 comments:

hairball said...

I tried to be sneaky and have Quintin wear a big brother shirt. Everyone thought it was just a hand me down from Collin and didn't think twice. Oh well. Try to stop freaking out, your body will respond better. I know what right do I have to tell you that but please try.

tif-do said...

Relax! Either way there is no amount of thinking you can do to change the wheels in motion. I spotted with two of my pregnancies, and here they are 14 and 10 years old! So just let your body do what it knows how to do and try to relax!

purplelurple said...

I hope everything is okay. I know it has been said but try to relax, yes it is hard right now but your body needs you to. If you need anything please call.

Mo said...

I am with you sister! Sending positive pregnancy thoughts your way and wiling it all to be O.K for you! xx

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