Growing Up.

I haven't really wanted to post about this, because it is still so very fresh, and new in my mind. There are days when I am totally sad about it and days when I am excited. Then there are days when it never even crosses my mind.

A few weeks ago, Gwennie nursed for the last time. She climbed into my lap, and nursed maybe for a few minutes, then she climbed out and ran off, never to return. Never to ask again. Never to be my nursling again. Never.

I knew it was happening, I had eluded to it a few times in her monthly newsletters. She would sometimes go almost a week without it. But she always came back. If I asked her if she was a big girl who didn't need "gup" she looked at me, eyes wide and sad, and asked for it right then.

Now I ask, and she laughs, says "I am Gennie Goo!" and runs off to play.

She is such a big girl, it breaks my heart. It hurts to think there is a chance I will never hold another new baby to my breast, or go through this bittersweet weaning process again. I try not to dwell on it at all. But as my sister's belly grows I am reminded of the time I was pregnant with Gwennie, when she was pregnant with Madder, and we talked about all of this stuff together. I wish I could be pregnant with her, but am glad at the same time that I am not. (Because of the deployment.)

My breasts still ache. Especially as I type this. I know that they still produce a little bit of milk, because sometimes in the shower I squeeze them lightly to watch it happen. They won't always do that. There will be a time when I squeeze, and nothing will come. Maybe that would be easier. Now it is a reminder of what is done, over, gone.

Like I said before, sometimes I am thrilled by her weaning. Partially because she also started wearing panties (like a big girl) around the same time. She still has accidents in them once in a while, but she is getting better. I just have to let her wear them, because she was fully trained when naked/bottomless at the beginning of the summer. (She can't very well walk around bottomless everywhere we go, can she?) But she gets better every day. (She is down to about three pairs of panties a day.)

I just wish I was fully ready and fully happy about her being weaned. I should be happy, because it shows how grown up she is getting. I should be because I knew she was ready and it wasn't forced on her at all. I should be, because it was just time. But there will always be a part of me that will miss holding her to my breast and giving her the sweet, mama's milk that I made just for her.

34 Month Newsletter

Dearest Gwennie Goo,

In two short months you will be three. Already in my mind I think of you are three, because you are closer to that than two now. But I need to stop and remind myself that you are really still two. Especially when you through one of those big two-year-old temper tantrums.

Since you still are not using the potty consistently when you have panties on, most days you run around bare bottomed. Occasionally an accident still happens, but usually its just a little pee, and not the other stuff. I want you to be potty trained, but when I am feeling rational I know I shouldn’t try to rush you. It is just that for the past four months you have used the potty easily when your tushy is naked.

This summer has felt like an eternity, but maybe not to you. You love having sister home during the day. Most days you will happily follow her from room to room, wanting to be with her. You long to sleep in her room, and some nights I will find you curled up in her arms asleep when I go to bed. If only you would use the potty, I told you that we will move you into sister’s room when you wear panties and stay dry all day. It almost happened once.

Recently I was holding you, after you had fallen down. As I comforted you I glanced at your feet. Those feet, that once were only as long as my hand is wide, have grown huge over time. They have lost the baby pudginess that they once had, at least from the side. As I looked at your feet, I realized that you are getting so very big, and so very grown up. You talk nonstop and make a lot of sense. I love listening to your stories. (Lately they are about unicorns, lions, and a girl.)

Another way that you are so very grown up, is that you rarely ask for “Gup.” In fact one day you asked me for “Mommy’s booby milk.” It was such a grown up way to ask, and you didn’t even want any. My breasts ache just a little knowing that I will probably never hold you to them for comfort again. In some ways I am so alright with it, in others, I am so saddened. I still have milk, even if just a little, and every now and then I feel the fullness from it. But it quickly fades. Sometimes when you are crying because you are hurt, I feel that ache deep within, the start of let down, something I stopped feeling so very long ago.

In a few weeks school starts again, and this time I will go to college. I will make myself, because I know how much better off I will be, as a person and as a mother, if I have that little bit of time for me. I need it. I now you will be fine when you have to go to child care of whatever sort I find for you. But I know I will miss you, and maybe that will be good for both of us, I remember how much more I appreciated Rhayn when I worked and she was at daycare. I remember picking her up and just wanting to hold her so very close. You will only be in care for a few hours every morning. I almost wish you could go to preschool at the school. Maybe next year you will be able to and I will take more classes. For now, though, we will find someone (I hope) whom you will love being with for those few hours.

I love you,

Mama

33 Month Newsletter

Gwennie Goober,

Another month has come and gone. And once more mama has slacked off on writing this until the 29^th of the month came and went. I think maybe I am so preoccupied with life that I totally forget that I write these. It isn’t that I have been slacking on my blog in general; no it is filled with the usual gibberish and nonsensical hooey.

You are not doing better at potty training. Every week or so we try to put panties on you. You might stay dry for the morning, but usually wet them in the afternoon. If you remain bottomless you will use the potty, and you love to try to pee in strange bathrooms. You tell me when you need to poop while we are out, but that doesn’t always mean you do have to. Sometimes it means you are bored. I don’t want to put you back in diapers, but I am so tired of thinking you are ready to wear panties only to find wet panties on the floor.

We had swim lessons for the last four weeks. You like the water, but at the same time are terrified of it. You want to be in there, as long as you have full control and your head doesn’t get wet. One of the first things we were learning how to do was to blow bubbles. You flat out refused to even try. It is hilarious. I would make you go under once or twice a lesson, but you scream and fuss about it. Daddy comes to one lesson and he has you doing things that normally cause fear in your eyes. Why? I think it is because you feel safer in his arms, and also he is infinitely more patient with you and Rhayn when he is teaching you. I was not meant to be a teacher, every day reminds me of that. You adore your teacher, his name is Phil, but you just call him “My Teacher!” with such admiration in your voice. He is some eighteen year old guy, who basically floats around during class. But he plays ball with you, and that has won you over fully. You are now willing to put your face in the water, once per lesson, and not until the very end of class.

You might be weaned. It has been nearly 5 days now since you nursed last. I am sad about it. At night when I sit by you talking to you while you fall asleep, I feel empty and lonely. If my body is my own again, that is great, and I know we were ready, but still there is a part of me that misses you curled up in my lap, looking at me lovingly while “having gup.” Last night I stared at you longingly, thinking of that last nursing and how I had no idea that it might be the end. I wish I could convey beautifully with words the way I feel about nursing you for these last nearly three years. I just am not in the right place yet. It is still so raw, so new, so freshly ended and not healed yet. I know that certain people think this is a great development, but they don’t understand how it feels to me. There is no sympathy for the end of my baby, the end of something that meant so much to me, to you, to our bonding. I guess one of these days I will feel alright about it. I know that it is silly to mourn it, but I just need to, maybe a little longer.

Your Loving,

Mama

I think I am done with it. Done with being a cow. Gwen is old enough and can fall asleep on her own. She easily calms herself if she is upset, or is calmed by snuggles. Does she need to keep nursing? Does she need to still get "gup"?

But then I am torn on it. I want her to be alright with being weaned. And I think she isn't totally ready. She still asks me at least three times a day for gup. Once when we first wake up (the answer is "No, lets go have breakfast.") Once around nap time (the answer is sometimes "yes, then we'll have a nap.") And usually around 8 pm when she is getting sleepy. She doesn't fall asleep at the breast anymore,unless she is sick.

When she nurses, her face still has a little baby look, while her body is stretching into a big girl. I stare down at her, and think back, glad I have pictures like this one. There are things I won't miss about nursing, like my repeated cases of mastitis but so many other wonderful moments that I will miss. The past few years my life has pretty much revolved around nursing. My posts about nursing are many. And some are not even on that because I didn't get labels until later.

I know that at Rhayn's school, through friends made there, I have support for extended breastfeeding. I have support to keep going as long as she needs it. But does she? Do I?

I wish there was a cut and dry answer. Maybe we will just keep going as we are. See where this takes us. Or should I just stop.

Such a personal choice. Such a personal decision.

29 Month Newsletter- Late Edition

Dear Gwennie Goo,

It is a few weeks past the day you turned twenty-nine months old, but I still wanted to post a short note to you. In a short amount of time you will be two and a half, that sounds so old. You have had a nasty month. I swear you have been sick nonstop this month.

We are working though a really hard beginning of a very difficult few years. Your Daddy is gone and we are trying to survive without him. It gives us all strength. But you miss him. Sometimes you tell me that you miss him, out of the blue. You will just say “I want my Daddy,” and my heart breaks open for you. This will not be easy and I worry how it will affect you, but I know we will make it.

You are growing more independent all of the time. You try to dress yourself. You want to buckle yourself (and sometimes you do) and climb in and out of the car alone. I let you do much of it. Sometimes you turn back into a baby, you climb into my “yap” and cuddle and ask for gup. We only do that right before bed, but it doesn’t stop you from asking and trying to get it. Although I think sometimes that maybe you ask because you need it, I need for you to not be nursing all day. I feel better. I do not mind that you still want it at bedtime, I will be alright with this for awhile longer. Some days I wonder if you are really all done, but then you curl into my lap, and tug on my shirt, eyes pleading and I hold you close for a moment before allowing you to have gup.

I know you are not going to be a baby much longer. You really aren’t one now. I love your still a baby moments, and I love your big girl moments, too.

Always,

Your Mama

Sleeping Sisters

I put Rhayn to bed at 7 and then Gwennie and I watched TV for a little while. She goes to bed at 8. I brought her upstairs, gave her her unicorn and elephant to sleep with. I didn't hear any noise, but when I came upstairs to go to bed myself, she wasn't there. I looked in the obvious place, and there she was laying next to her sister, such a big girl. They grow up so fast, don't they? It makes me ache inside because she is such a big girl, and I know my baby bug is gone. She is almost weaned (one time a day.) She sometimes acts like she wants to potty train. And she wants to sleep with her sister and not with me.

I should leave her there, but I won't. I want her next to me. I am not ready to be in my big bed alone. Not just yet. Maybe next week.

28 Month Newsletter

Dear Gwennie Goo,

You are now twenty eight months old. This month was a busy one for us all, in fact last month was so busy that I forgot to even write your newsletter. With Christmas and everything going on the days went so swiftly by that it was mid January before I knew it!

Your independence grows daily, as you practice things and tell me that you can “do it by self,” or “I do it.” But then the next moment you are my little cuddlekins again and want to be a baby. I fed you oatmeal one morning, because you were my baby. I ask you if you are “my baby” but you almost always say “No, I Gennie Goo.” I admit that “Gennie Goo” is a sweet little nickname and I adore calling you that.

You astound people when you start talking. And you really like to talk. Sometimes I want you to stop, just for a moment because you and Rhayn together make a lot of noise.

I always see pictures of toddlers covered in food. I often see your big sister covered in food, like she has missed her mouth. You, on the other hand, are usually a dainty eater. Not that you don’t eat very much, food doesn’t always cover your face at the end of a meal. We were at a birthday party recently and there were two other kids (admittedly younger than you) who were also eating cupcakes. Their little pudgy faces were covered in icing, the little boy looked like he had a moustache of chocolate, the girl a beard of vanilla. You had a tiny dab on the end of your nose, but were otherwise clean. Your clothes are another story, often covered in lentil soup or hot chocolate. If it is not food, you love to coat your face in it. I have countless pictures of you painted a nice pink from lipstick or ethereal looking from shiny white eyeshadow.

Bedtime is (knock on wood) no longer a struggle. We nurse (or as you put it “Hava gup in da tsair”) around seven and then cuddle and talk and play and usually watch a little television. Around 8:30 you are put to bed. Sometimes you cry a little and fuss about it, but you roll onto your side, cuddle your stuffed elephant and go to sleep. It is such a relief to me that sleep and going to bed is not the fight it used to be. This is going to make my life so much easier when Daddy is gone for the next while. I won’t be fighting with you, maybe I will even be able to get you to bed around 8 and have a bath with a nice book. I am totally going to need that since I won’t just be able to have Daddy watch you while I escape. I have tried letting Rhayn watch you, and it just doesn’t work, she is too easily distracted and forgets that she is the babysitter. Sometimes I think I expect more out of her than her nearly seven years are capable of.

This last weekend was your first away from me. You were fine; I on the other hand was a little worked up about it. I worried but your Grandma reassured me that you would be OK, you would not die or anything and you would still love me best of all. Alright, she didn’t reassure me of that, I added that because it makes me feel better to think that you love me best of all (you like gup best of all.)

If it were up to you we wouldn’t come home. You don’t want to most of the time. We round that corner towards our house and you scream “I don’t wanna go a house!” In a way it is cute, but mostly it is irritating, really irritating. You easily fall into a deep slumber in the car, and it is totally my saving grace some days.

Remember Care-Bear? Well I do, and you are at the stage she was at when I started watching her. That means quite a bit of the silly things you do are similar to the annoying things she did. I have to constantly remind myself that it is normal two year old behavior. I have to consciously not allow myself to become upset at you because you growled at me like she used to. I think that watching her was the worst thing I have ever had to do in my life. She really destroyed my patience and it is slow to grow, like a cactus.

No matter what, you are a ham. You crack me up so often and I love you for it.

Yours,

Mama

25 Month Newsletter

Gwendy-Goo,

Where has this past month gone? I feel like I just wrote your twenty-four month newsletter and here we are almost a week past when you became twenty-five months. But it was such a busy week; it is no surprise to me that I neglected to get it written.

People see you all of the time, at the store and at Rhayn’s school. You cling to me, in my arms, in a sling, holding my leg. Only in the past few weeks have you started to come out of your shell.

Today we were greeted by a parent of one of the boys in Rhayn’s class. She also has a four year old who adores you. You looked at her, as asked “where K?” She stopped and looked at you like you were a foreign object, like a pencil had stood up and started doing a jig on the picnic table where we sat. She leaned down and talked to you for a few minutes, totally engrossed by your verbal skills. “Wow, I have never heard her talk before,” she exclaims. We are constantly in awe of those skills you have accumulated, too. Your speech gets better day by day, because you have become “the repeater.” We say anything and you parrot it back to us. Maybe I should have been a pirate for Halloween, and you could have sat on my shoulder and repeated everything I said.

The terrible twos are upon us. In. Full. Force. It is like suddenly a switch will flip and my sweet little girl, who had been snuggled in my arms one moment, is terrorizing a store. You run, you laugh hysterically, you tell me “no” and “stop it” with such a fervor that I want to scream. Some days you will refuse to nap. Flat out refuse. It seems to coincide with me needing a little bit of time to myself.

I am working on night weaning, still. I tried and failed a few times. My sleep seemed more important than getting you to sleep without a nipple in your mouth part of the night. I do not want to break the spell, but I have had two nights (so far) that I have been able to nurse you, and then allow you to fall asleep on your own. One night I was actually able to keep you from nursing until about six when I wanted you to go back into a deep sleep so that I could get up and enjoy a cup of coffee and NPR in silence. You slept until after seven, and it made our morning go a lot more smoothly. I have been working on telling you “All done” when I am ready to get up while you are nursing. Now I will say that at night, too. I have also started telling you that “Gup goes to sleep when it is dark.” I need it to work, I need you to understand that I am still here if you need me, but “gup” is asleep.

Sometimes I think I am totally ready to be done nursing, and then other times, I feel like we could do it forever. I think that you have pretty much cut down to only a few times a day, and a few more at night. It makes me sad that you are getting so big, and independent. Yet, there are moments when you come to me, blue eyes wide and teary, to have “gup” and I see my baby in you still. Then you climb out of my lap, say “All done” and run off to play, my big girl.

Love forever,

Mama

With Rhayn starting school this week, we have been busy. It seems like the days zipped by!

Gwen is not taking very well to Rhayn at school. I am pretty sure it has caused a resurgence of separation anxiety! She follows me around crying "my mama" and it just breaks my heart. The worst was on Friday Will took the day off, and he went to pick Rhayn up at school. Gwen put on her shoes and reported that she was going, but daddy said no. So she stopped in her tracks and cried "My DaDa!" until I was able to distract her.

I borrowed a book from the library called the "No Cry Sleep solution" Her ideas follow mine in parenting, from breastfeeding to co-sleeping. She doesn't talk down to bottle-feeders, and every thing I have read in the book so far seems perfect for the way I feel. I need to get the Toddler version of it, though. Last night I tried to use some of the ideas she has for getting Gwen to sleep. I have always gotten discouraged because she cries when I remove nipple from her mouth. She cries, "No! No! No! need GUP!" Mrs. Pantley has suggestions on how to slowly take that away, and make nighttimes easier.

The main thing that I found last night was that Gwen is terrified of the dark. We brushed teeth, then read a book and lay down in her bed and had gup for a few minutes. Then when she slowed down I took it away. She cried, we shooshed and talked a little. Then I turned off the light, she panicked. I pulled out the glow worm, but turned off its music. She didn't like that. So I turned the music on and we listened to it for about ten minutes. After that she was pretty calm. We snuggled and had more gup. I kept taking it away every minute or so, giving it back if she was upset about it. Then finally after 30 minutes of bedtime routine, she was asleep.

The book states that we let our children get overtired before settling them in for the night. We found this with Rhayn. She goes to be at 7 pm. It was a bedtime suggested by her school for kindergarteners (and first graders) because it takes them time to relax from a long day, and children age 6-9 need about 10 hours of sleep at night. Most American children get barely 8, we are causing a lot of the ADD and ADHD problems for our children because they are overtired. So since I know that Rhayn's demeanor changed drastically when we started implementing an earlier bedtime. Why wouldn't I do that for Gwen? What is it that made me think she didn't need that? I mean we usually brush teeth with Rhayn and read a story all together, but then, Gwen comes with me downstairs to hang out with dada and watch tv. I need to make her go to bed at that time to. The reasons are two-fold. One, Gwen will get better sleep and therefore be more likely to be good all day the next day (and nap better which will in turn help her sleep the next night) and also if she is asleep I will get to snuggle with Will on the couch while we watch tv, and our relationship could use that!

This is the beginning of a journey. I know it will not be easy, but it will be worth it, so very worth it.

22 Months

Dearest Gwendy,

You reached twenty-two months without much change. Life has settled into a routine for you. A routine of you getting all the attention, because you, my dear, are high maintenance!

You talk so well, putting more and more words together, to describe things, like your “car bar ban-ket” (Care Bear blanket from my cousin, Penny, it has been one of your favorites since you received it! So thanks Penn-Nut, just in case I have neglected to thank you before!) If I ask you “Whose feet are these?” or “who is Gwennie” You say “mine” or its “Mine cup,” “Mine dith-ter” (sister). I could listen to you talk all day. Oh, wait, I do that. You are so talkative.

Today we took you to the doctor for your delayed 18 month, early 24 month check-up. You weigh 26 pounds, and are 32 inches tall. It seems you are a little short for your age, only in the 25th percentile, while Rhayn stayed up there in the 50-90^th pretty much most of her toddlerhood. It doesn’t matter either way, because you are the most perfect you there ever was. You really haven’t gained or lost weight since you were 9 months old. Weird. You have hovered at 25 pounds since then, easily. That means that those lovely baby rolls of fat that covered your bottom half are gone. When you run naked through the house (and you do that nearly every day) you are a lot leaner that you used to be.

At the doctor you received your last “make-up” vaccinations. You are all caught up, like a two year old should be. You were unhappy about the shots, but since they do those last, you seemed ok with the actual exam part. The biggest shocker was that your doctor was a female, and usually that sends you into hysterics. She was able to listen to your heart, and look in your eyes and ears and you opened your mouth wide for her. Good job, little one. The doctor wanted to do a lead screen on you. Rhayn has never had one, but I figured a tiny prick, a little blood, it would be ok. Nope. It was intravenous blood draw! Ouch. No 22 month old should have to go through that. Your sister was totally scared for you. She had blood drawn not too long ago to check her white blood count. The screams you emitted were horrendous. I felt like the worst mother ever for subjecting you to that. I had never heard of that as a normal two year old test. I guess I let the doctor talk me into something that normally I wouldn’t have subjected you to. I apologize.

We are slowly transitioning you into your “big girl bed.” You adore your bed, until it comes time to sleep in it at night. Then you still want to be next to me. So guess who else spends half the night in your bed? Yeah, your mama. Not that you are far from me, because your twin bed is pushed up right next to my side of our California king bed. You are on a lower level, but it is easy for you to climb right up to me.

I have been sad a lot lately. I think that is has to do with thinking about how much you have grown up, and how you are nearly two now. In just two short months you will be two. Then I will have to come up with a new, improved reason for continuing to nurse you. (Until then I can use the WHO and even FDA recommendations of at least two years.) I know that you aren’t going to wake up at two and just be all done with “gup” I realize that for you weaning will be hard, its going to be hard on me, too. I don’t want to wean you, because I wanted to nurse you so badly, I fear that I will never get to nurse another baby. I mean if we have another (*when) what if they can not nurse? How will that feel? I know how it will feel- horrible. It will feel like I am a failure again. I guess that is why I cling to nursing with you, and luckily, you cling right back.

Your mama,

The Lactating One

Pink Eyes and Pink Comforters

Sick again. I swear that is the thing I write most. This time it is pink eye. Gwennie must have picked it up either at Bookmans or the mall play area. It is affecting both her eyes, and last night she had a fever along with her runny green filled nose. Yuck. (She is just starting to show the symptoms in the top picture, in the bottom picture she has drawn on her face with pink marker and had a different kind of "pink eyes.")

Saturday night we went to a Diamondback game. They played the Padres (yeah- I think its San Diego? But not sure.) It was a lot of fun to hang out as a family. Will gets tickets to games pretty often, and sure they weren't the best seats, but we could see the game very well, and had an decent seat for the after game fireworks. They won, which made the mood of the game even better. D-backs were losing when we got there, but they pulled a 5-4 win in the end.

I really could not care less about sports. Seriously, but the mood of a good game and having the girls there, made it fun. Gwennie loved clapping along and Rhayn made a friend with a 6 year old boy sitting by us.

Last week I purchased a twin bed on Craigslist. My goal is to move Gwennie into it slowly, which shouldn't be too difficult, considering it is just on my side of the bed. Maybe if she isn't touching me all night, she won't be trying to nurse. all. night. The first night was a total bust. Then she became sick and has cried all night long, so a boob is the only way we have been able to sleep.

She knows it is her bed. Rhayn and I even bought a comforter for her (it was clearanced to $6.50 from $30 because it had been washed.) Rhayn wanted to trade her because the new comforter is two shades of pink and her old one is green. So we decided to give Gwennie first choice between the two. Happily for both girls, Gwennie said "Geen!" and pointed at the green one. She loves to climb into her bed and snuggle under her covers. Its too bad she refuses to sleep there!

"Gup? Peese?"

I feel brain dead. I have the desire to do something, to write something, but there isn't anything of importance to say/do.

Last night was our last "Puppy class" with Lily. They had a graduation ceremony (sort of) and since my foot is hurt (but not broken) we all went. Will held Lily's leash, and I chased Gwennie. We took pictures, and I had someone use my digital and take some, only there are no pictures there. I am really sad, because it was all of us, the girls, Will, Lily and me. If you push the button down but don't hold it down it doesn't take any pictures, but it will pause on the screen. I know the instructor took a picture of all the families AND the group, so we'll see if he sends those out. I am really sad about the family picture, more than I should be. If I hadn't just ended my period, I would think its that time of the month!

I want to get a cart for Lily, to train her to pull carts. How cute would that be? Plus she would work off energy. We are going to get her a backpack, to keep stuff in while we walk to make her use more energy during those thirty minute periods. These were suggestions made by the "parents" of Sampson, the best behaved pit I have every met (reminiscent of Daddy on the Dog Whisperer, same color, same build, same demeanor.)

Last night around two am, Gwennie sat up, coughed once and puked on the bed, mostly right near Will. It was all cleaned up, everyone was back in bed and I had the hardest time falling back to sleep. Gwennie wanted "gup" her current word for nursing. But I was afraid that it would gag her and she would puke on me. I was able to get her back to sleep without it, which we have been working on. It is really hard to say no, when she asks "Gup, pees?" and looks at me with her big blue eyes shining. But I know that the amount of night nursing she was doing is not good for her teeth so we are cutting it WAY down.

Updates

I have been so busy lately I haven't had time to write anything and I hate that. I feel like I have so much to say but its all stuck inside because I haven't been able to sit down when I feel the need to write.

Today I have very little to say. My weekend was busy, Saturday I spent the day studying for my midterm. But the testing center closed at five pm so I took the midterm Sunday at 11. After that I raced home and got the girls and we headed to Hairball's baby blessing potluck. We missed the blessing, but I had to take the test! Plus, I would have just been chasing Gwendy around the church, she is at THAT phase right now, and man its no fun!

After we got home I went upstairs to bed, and watched Night at the Museum. Will had watched it earlier and so did Rhayn. I lay in bed with the heating pad because- yup you guessed it!- I have a sore red booby again. This was the worst yet, because I didn't have time to rest all weekend. Ok, I could have made time, but I didn't. So Sunday I rested with the heating pad and some gatorade. I did not take any medicine, because I was monitoring my fever, it only was about 103 at the height of it all. I have an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow afternoon, bu I am hoping to call and cancel it because I feel miraculously better (heres hoping!)

I keep thinking that maybe its my body telling me that I need to wean Gwennie, but then she looks at me, with that pleading expression. How can I deny her? How can I take it away? She is so little. Plus the World Health Organization says breastfeeding until two is better. Who am I to argue with WHO on that one? Plus, I just don't want to stop. What if I never get the chance to nurse another baby? Will she be my only? Will she be the only child that I hold to my breast who looks at me with that love in her eyes? Poor Rhayn missed out on so much by not being able to nurse, and there is always that chance that we won't have another or that if we do they will not be able to nurse. I am aware of that possibility, so I am not ready to be done just yet.

Monday I felt better and went to the Arizona Association of Midwives "Day of the Midwife" picnic/potluck. I was hoping to see my midwife, but wouldn't you know she was on a birth. I did see a few member of the birth community that I hadn't seen in a while. And the recognized me (at least as someone who used to come to the birth circles. Still makes you feel good to be recognized by those you look up to!)

I headed back to my area and picked up Rhayn. We went home and I sat down and rested some. Then our roommate (have I talked about him? Its Will's buddy who is staying with us while he gets his life in order and saves money for his own place.) Rock asked Will if he wanted to go see Page the Village Idiot play at their old hangout. He plays there every Monday from what I understand, but Will had taken Monday and Tuesday off to write some papers for school. He needed a break so he would be fresh to work on the other bit today. I told him to go and have fun. So I went to bed rather early. It was nice to snuggle in bed under th covers, as I was shivering and sore all over. I worry that its more than mastitis, because its never caused me so much grief in the past. I admit that I feel SOOO much better today. I took Rhayn to school this morning, and have been sitting on the couch since then. I plan on maybe heading to the library to get a few more movies. This week I borrowed The Fisher King (per my mythology class) Frida, and Funnyface. I think my sister needs to watch Funnyface, Audrey Hepburn, Fred Astaire, totally up her alley. Plus there is that crazy dance that the Gap used in its ad campaign for Back in Black in that movie. Frida was strange. I enjoyed it, but way too much for most people, I think.

17 Month Newsletter

Dearest Sweet Gwennie,

Over the last month you have really started talking. Every time you say “mommy” my heart melts and I just want to pull you up into my arms. Well, ok, not every time. You started off saying it only when I would go upstairs and leave you down with Daddy. You would hang on the baby gate and cry “Mommy!” over and over until you became hysterical. I can’t say that made my heart melt.

Your very first word was “kee ee” for Kitty. Every furry thing you saw was a “kee ee” but now, they are all “Goggies!” You point them out every where we go. At Target you see “Goggies!” In the supermarket, “Goggies!” Sometimes they are actual dogs, but most of the time, it just means generic animal with or even sometimes without fur.

At Rhayn’s school, the goats and sheep and “goggies” as well as the ducks. I did get you to call the ducks, “ducks” but the goats remained “gogs.” At the zoo, there are “Goggies” in every cage. A baboon? “Goggie!” It is cute, but I gently tell you the real name of the animal. I know you will get it sooner or later.

Some other words that have escaped your mouth are “kank ooo” (thank you) and “Peese” but that was ONLY said once, quite enthusiastically for pudding. You signed it while saying “Peese!” “Peese!” rubbing you chest nearly raw with vigor. I just wish you would sign please when you want milk, instead of grabbing my shirt and yanking it up or down.

This week we went to the library for “Baby Time” and it was interesting. Your Mama felt so out of place until my friend Mona showed up. All the moms were like me, middle class, with babies ranging in age from birth to 24 months. Only they all looked like they had a bottle in their diaper bags. I over heard conversations about scheduled c-sections. At least I had Mona, whose little boy T, wanted milk as we sat there, and since he was nursing you wanted it also. (he is only 6 weeks younger than you.) You really didn’t like baby time at first. There was a parachute that we did a dance with and you grabbed me and held on tightly. The only thing you really were into was “Wheels on the Bus” You totally rocked out, using all of your dance moves. Mona and her boys arrived late, but as soon as you saw them, you calmed down. You were shy of all the people, but T is not, and you followed his lead. I can see in you personality traits of my own so often.

You have mastered pushing chairs around to get to things. Right at this moment you are on your sister’s “Patrick “ (from Spongebob Squarepants) chair, turning our light on and off. A few weeks ago I let you stand at the kitchen sink and play in the water. It was great fun for you, at the end, when I made you stop, you threw a major tantrum. I hope its as bad as they get. You scream with a high pitch that drills into my head. You sit down and scream. You pushed the chair passionately to try to get back to what you wanted. I have to say that you are willful. When you want something, YOU. WANT. IT. NOW. I know that its good, because you are not pliant with your convictions. You probably won’t go along with the crowd if you do not believe it’s the right thing to do. I hope, anyway.

This month you have finally decided that certain women are ok. You love men, and I know that scares me a little. Your sister’s teacher and some of the dads at school are ok. You go to them willingly. I try to make sure you have a male doctor because you cooperate more readily. I don’t want you to fear men, but you will go to stranger men if they are slightly pudgy and smile at you. Women are almost always a no go. This week though, you went to a few separate women. One was Rhayn’s first ever play-date at our house. Her friends mom stayed and chatted while the girls played happily upstairs. You went to her, like she was an old friend. Maybe it was being in your safety zone? Because the next day you would have nothing to do with her at the school pick up.

You are in full separation anxiety swing. I hope it is over soon, I keep leaving for little bits of time, so that you will be ok. I don’t want to foster this behavior, but I don’t want to discount it either. You need to be able to see me, in all situations. It is another instance where you and your sister are polar opposites. Maybe its because she would go and stay at Grandma’s from about 8 months? I can’t leave you just yet. I know that they would love to take you, and it might be nice to sleep naked like we used to before kids and between you two. I am not ready to wean you, you are not ready to be weaned. Sometimes I feel like those close to us are pressuring us, daddy, your grandparents. They think its all about me, but its not. Your sister was still having a bottle at this age, until she was two I think, even though I tried to wean her from it. Rhayn wasn’t ready at that point. Just like you aren’t ready. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to do what I thought was best because of reading books and listening to those around me. This time I am listening, but I am following my instinct. I have been since I was pregnant. I listened to myself with your birth, I listened to myself with nursing you in the beginning. I will listen to you and my own heart with weaning as well. I will know when we are done. Then you can go and stay with Grandma and Grandpa, until then it will be something special that only Rhayn does. And she needs that.

I love you,
Mommy

To Wean or NOT to Wean

I am not ready to wean Gwennie, at this point I would be fine with her nursing until she is 4. Really. I just have no desire to wean her. Will, on the other hand, is totally ready for her to be weaned.

Last night, I went out with Hairball and her friend. We had a great time, my cheeks hurt from laughing, which I totally needed. I will admit, I stayed out about an hour or so longer than I meant to, getting home close to 10:30. So Will had been home with the girls all night. He made dinner, and played and did daddy stuff.

I walk in, he is asleep on the couch, with Rhayn (who is not asleep) watching X3, the third installment of the X-Men movies. Yeah, I was a little mad, Rhayn should have been in bed HOURS, seriously HOURS ago. She usually goes to bed at 7. So we send her to bed, and Will tells me that Gwennie needs to be weaned. She had cried for 2 hours, and refused to relax and go to sleep. So he feels that along with a few other things mean that she is totally ready to be all done with Mama Milk.

I disagree. I think the fact that she was so unable to relax without me, means she is not ready. I am not ready. Thinking of weaning her still makes me want to cry. I worked so hard to establish a seriously good nursing relationship with her, and am I ready to give that up?

The answer for me now is NO.

At twelve months, I was determined to take Rhayn off the bottle. I was so paranoid that she would be four and still carrying that thing (filled with milk) everywhere, unable to sleep or survive without it. I fought with her for weeks, trying to get her to sleep without it. I tried filling it with water, and telling her that was all she was getting, but it wasn't good enough. I fought HARD, and still she had her bottle until she was nearly two (only to fall asleep, and she slept through the night without it, it was only the bedtime formula.) Will told me that mama's nurse their babies way past that point, and it didn't hurt them, so why was I so worried about it?

Now we are in opposite positions, I am not giving it up, I want her to self wean, he wants me to stop. I admit it would be nice to have a tiny bit more freedom. But really this is such a short time in our life, and I refuse to give up our snuggle time, our nursing, loving, sweet hugging time.

While doing some online research I found this website it has some great reasons to continue breastfeeding past the first year. I think that if Will brings it up again, I will send him that link.