Weekly Gratitude

Today I am grateful for
~Will. He was home this weekend. Though it was a crazy busy weekend, we didn't get to spend a lot of time together. It was just nice to have him home.
~spending time with my family. I don't see them much since we are always so very busy. Sunday we headed to their house to celebrate one of the grandkids' 2nd birthday as well as have 3 baby blessings, including Natalie's and I don't have any great pictures of her in her beautiful white dress. I love that my dad is able to bless her. And listening to JVA bless his boys was amazing. He, his wife and boys will be sealed in the temple soon and I know how happy that makes my parents. ~my sweet baby. She loves me best of all. Seriously. You have no idea. I'll get into that more when I write her 6 month newsletter (coming up far too soon!)
~these perfectly lovely mornings. I love the cool morning hours. Opening up the door and letting in the outside while I enjoy my morning rituals.

Its MUST be time to get a job.

Once my loving husband told me that if I ever started watching Oprah, it would be time for me to get a job. I admit to watching her show last week, because she went to the YFZ Ranch to visit with the FLDS. I am fascinated by them. I don't know if it is the dresses, hair and accent, or their unwavering love of their leader. I only caught the last fifteen minutes of her show, too. I think that being raised LDS and being asked if I was a polygamist has made me more interested in their story. They fascinate me. I can't help it. Although the more I learn the less I understand it. I understand the Amish more, with their desire to keep things simple, the FLDS embrace many of the things from today, while rejecting others. Dressing modestly isn't a bad thing, but the dresses are ugly and made from polyester (read article link from the word dresses above). Even the dresses the pioneers wore were more attractive than that. What is wrong with florals? What is wrong with an array of colors that are not always pastel? But I digress. (I can't help it, I like that word!)

This week Oprah has one of my favorite bloggers on with her other blogging buddies. I want to watch it, because these are funny ladies who are all making money from blogging. But I won't.

I don't like Oprah. I find her brash and judgmental, and totally not a common woman. She isn't married, has no children, probably has not cleaned any part of her house in ten years. I do not think she is god, like so many women seem to. I have taken a few of her book club suggestions and not even liked them. I just do not get her appeal. I could honestly go on and on about how much I dislike her and her show (and her minion, Dr. Phil.)

If you watch Oprah, can you tell me why? What about her intrigues you? Do you think she covers subjects clearly and concisely? Because honestly I would love to know what her appeal is.

My Choice, Myself

Time flies doesn't it? And before you know it Christmas is here again, the presents are wrapped and the tree is lit up. The children are excited for Santa to come. And every year I feel this total sense of forgetting something. What is it I ask myself? What have I forgotten to get the girls, Will? Myself? Is it just that time, spinning out of control so fast has made me miss, once again, the reason for the season?

You may or may not know that Will is not religious. In fact he doesn't believe in God. This makes religious holidays hard for me. I love him, and do not want to change him. Yet I wonder how to teach my children about Christ, about love, sacrifice, morality, and all of the things that I was taught by attending church. I know, I could take them to church. However I always feel wrong in church. I am of course talking about LDS churches, because I do attend them when I am at my parents' house on the weekends. I sing the hymns along with the best of them, and get choked up at heartfelt stories.

However I don't feel the love in my heart anymore. I know that my dad would say it is because I have turned my back on Heavenly Father, and maybe that is true. I have turned myself towards my husband and I would follow him anywhere. Even if I were to start being a really good Mormon girl, I would always feel left out of the big loop. My husband is not going to go to the temple with me. He will never be my partner for eternity, we will not get a kingdom of our own.

My choice to turn away from the LDS church started long before I met him. And my decision to continue to turn away from it now, has only a little to do with him. He tells me that if I chose to attend church and be active he would stand by me. I trust the truthfullness of those words. He loves me, because I am me. He would love me no less if I were a good little Mormon Mom. He says that she lurks beneath my surface, Molly Mormon. He tells me that she comes out now and again. That may be true, for she was my past, the person I was before I became a teenager. She was with me through hard times, she stood by my side even when I was bad. She stands by me still.

Quirk Factor MeMe

The Rules
* Link to the person who tagged you.
* Mention the rules.
* Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about yourself.
* Tag six other bloggers by linking to them.
* Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment to let them know that they’ve been tagged.

I was tagged for this- the Quirky Meme, by Homeslice.

1. I am a chameleon. Seriously, even if I am on the outskirts of the party, I can flex and change until I fit in. I credit (or blame) my youth at the LDS church, especially as a teenager, for this ability. It is so easy to fall into something that is comfortable like that. And over time I just learned to fall into every situation the same way.

2. I chew my nails, and only stop when I am pregnant. But as soon as the baby is born? Yup, my nails are in my mouth. I chew the right hand more than the left, because I am left-handed and need that hand to draw/drive/etc.

3. I am left-handed (as mentioned in the above quirky thing). That in its self is not quirky or anything, I know. I however can not use left-handed scissors to save my life. I was always given them in school, and I would stare at the teacher while I asked for the regular ones.

4. In school I was a know-it-all. Bad. My teachers hated me, I am sure. I would tell them when they were wrong, and point out flaws, misspellings, errors. As an adult this only comes in handy when I am editing my husband's papers. (Or when I am reading a story and there is a mistake in spelling, does that drive anyone else bonkers? Is that just me?)

5. I deal with stresses by not thinking about it. Examples? My friend JD's moved to another state. I ignored it until she had actually left. Will's deployment- I won't really let it affect me until it happens. I have had a few more break-downs from this than any other stressful event in my life. I do not usually cry about things, because I am too "strong" and crying makes me feel weird.

6. I love numbers. I like to do division, like figuring out the MPG in our vehicles. I like to write the numbers out, all ordered and lovely, and do the LONG division. I know I can use my mobile phone to do the math. But darn it I like to refresh my mind.



I will tag Mo, my Mom, Hairball, Dacheese, Tif-do, and Penny.

Religion and My Choices

I was brought up LDS. I believed so strongly in the religion until I was in my teens. At that time I felt like I never had a chance to see what else was out there, and also? I felt judged on a regular basis by other members of our ward. I, and my family I felt, did not fit their idea of a "good Mormons." It hurt my beliefs when I started to feel more empowered as a woman, because women in the church are not equal to the men. It bothered me.

Years have gone by. I have checked out other religions, and found none that fit how I feel and what I want. Most recently I studied the Baha'i faith. It was close to what I wanted, with talks of unity and peace, but I have a hard time believing in Baha'ullah or his son Abdu'l-Baha. I haven't delved deeply into the religion, simply because I don't feel that it is the right fit for me. I have had Rhayn in Children's classes offered by a friend who is Baha'i. The morals and stories taught in the classes have been good for her and something I was struggling with teaching her.

Tonight one of my nieces is being baptized into the LDS church. And I am happy for her, and glad that she feels, at ten, ready for that commitment. Rhayn asked us when she could be baptized, she knows the time that a regular member is baptized is at eight, and she is seven. I think it is a sweet gesture, but want her to wait, and find out on her own if it is the path she should take. Will and I decided that she may not be baptized until she is eighteen. When she is legally an adult, and able to make the full commitment to being LDS or not, then she may choose whatever her path may be. I don't feel like she is being hindered by our decision. I know that if it were up to me alone, she would have the opportunity to be baptized sooner, but I am not the only parent. Together we feel that this works best for the family. And as for Gwennie? Same rules apply. She will make her decision when she is eighteen, and fully understands the choice.

I am torn in life, because being taught one thing my whole life and then questioning that has left holes in me. And any time I make a decision, I look at it from the Mormon view, and my view is always skewed by that in some way. I don't think there is any thing wrong with the LDS religion, but for me? It does not make me happy, it does not make me feel loved or complete, in fact it often left me feeling like nothing I could or would ever do would be good enough. And I did not want to live that way for my whole life.

Homer Leaner

I can not stay away from my blog today. If I had a story to write (as in working on the book I plan to someday write, procrastination is the best, isn't it?) I might have made real progress today. Instead I have zoned out staring at other peoples' blogs, I followed links from one blog to another until I almost found my way back to the original blog. Maybe that would be a fun tag game? I found an electric lawnmower on Craig's List (close by, but a little more than I wanted to spend. So I am still on the fence about it.) Our grass is looking like- well Lily is nearly covered by some sections of the grass when she lays in it. I think maybe the grass is safe to cut by now, it is well rooted, haha.

Tonight is a girls' night out. I am meeting my mom and sister, and sister-in-laws, and grandma, and future sister-in-law for dinner to celebrate her joining our familyby marrying of my middle brother, Ender. The wedding is Saturday, and as I am not temple worthy, nor even a practicing Mormon, I am not attending the actual wedding. There will be a reception, and CAKE! from Costco! (Insert a Homer Simpson-like response, tongue lolling out of the side of my mouth, drool dribbling from my chin. Costco cake, ahhhhmmmm.)

I need this, I need a night or even a few hours away from my children. I love the rascals, really I do, but I haven't been good at making time for me, and it is totally showing. I know I have been a total b-word to Will, and the girls. Yesterday I was so bad. Will told me I was really pushing his buttons, and I was. I could hear the stupid things I was saying, I wanted to stop them, but I could not. I had no control over myself. I should know that when I feel like that I need to go back to bed, and sleep a few more hours. I should know that I need separation from people, especially those I love, because I am going to hurt them. I should know, and I feel like those I love should remind me to go away. You know, in a nice way, like "Go take a bath, or read a book." Not "Go away you are being a bitch" or the like, just gently remind me.

Back to my kids. The summer whineys are in full force at my house. One starts in and the other joins. There are so many hurt feelings and fights going on that I want to cry. I want to make them both go to opposite ends of the house and SHUT UP FOR FIVE MINUTES. But then, there are times like right now, when they have been playing so nicely all day long. Maybe a little tiff here or there, but mostly they have been so pleasant to each other. So sweet, the way sisters should be. And I want to hug them and tell them how much I love them. Why can't it always be like this.

I wish I had something insightful to say. I have nothing. My brain feels like mush, and I want to sleep. This thing with Chas Roberts is ridiculous. Will and I sat down and wrote what happened this morning. We sent a complaint to the BBB about this. I had to call them twice yesterday. The first time they left a message for the technician that should have been at our house. But at 5:30 when I still had no information nor was my air conditioner in top working order, I called back. Will came home, and I was seething on the phone. I was shaking from anger. I don't get angry easily. But they had passed my threshold.

When we finally received information, the customer service person told us that the technician didn't even have our part and they would call us when it comes in.

WHAT?!

I still get angry about that. Because if they just told us that they didn't have the part, and that they would call us when they had the part in hand I wouldn't be upset.

Alright, let me stop there, because I work myself into a tither over this dumbness. I did read a book while I was waiting for the technician. I finished Eclipse. Let me just say, that all the things you have heard about these books are true. These books, the Twilight Saga, are the most compelling, interesting, invigorating, frustrating books I have ever read. J.K. Rowlings holds nothing on Stephanie Meyer. She is absolutely the best author that I have read. It doesn't hurt that she lives in Phoenix area, that makes her so much cooler in my head. Here is a glowing article about her in the Phoenix New Times from a little less than a year ago (its long, but well worth reading. Seriously, if you didn't want to read the books before... this article will make you want to- I mean you Dacheese. And Hairball? You had better read the darn books, too. You, too Mom.)

I wish I had the words to write how these books make me feel. Its like getting lost in an imaginary land. They are the epitome of good books. I am just in awe of these books, and how easily you become Bella, in her head, in her world, in love with a vampire.

I think that there are two big things that make her story, and these books really hit me hard. She was a stay at home mom when she wrote them, and the first written just as she turned thirty.

My biggest goal in life is to write a book, it is really hard to admit that, to allow myself to write it and think it. It scares me to think that I may never complete that goal. Chances are low that it will be as well received as Stephanie Meyer's books have been, but she started writing it for herself, not for the fame it would bring her. She is quoted as saying she thought it was just a cheesy "Vampire Romance" but the characters were so real to her.

Checks, Growing Up and School

I just wrote a big check, and starting tomorrow our back yard will be getting a lovely transformation. I am excited, and at the same time apprehensive because it is a big step, and a lot of money. I just know that I can not do it myself. I know that taking charge of this project is a big step for me because I am not a take charge kind of person.

I feel like I am coming into my own, as an adult. I am taking charge of parts of my life, because I have to. I am not a little girl. My mom can't take care of me and she can't make my choices. My husband isn't here to make the choices. (Although he was just a phone call away and that made it feel so much better.) I have to learn to do these things myself.

Being able to call Will on his phone today made him feel so close. It felt, for a moment, like he was right here, with me, next to me, loving me, instead of about 1778 miles away. (Which is more than what I wrote a check for today, but not much.)

College is part of what I want to accomplish this year. I currently have NO credit. NONE. Like I don't even exist. Seriously, even bad credit is better than no credit. Having no job makes it hard for me to get a credit card (if not impossible) and I have looked into other ways to build my credit. I have finally come up with a great plan. I will take out a student loan for school this fall. I can probably get a small one, just enough to pay for classes and books, and maybe help with the child care I will have to put Gwennie Goo in. Maybe I will be able to take Chemistry (yeah, I know it sounds weird, but I really want to take it. I liked it in high school but couldn't admit it, especially with our teacher being the bishop!) I also enjoyed biology, until we had to dissect a fetal pig, that was not my cup of tea, not saying as a child I never dissected a dead gopher or anything, just the smell of formaldehyde was overpowering and I was in a weird place when dealing with pork, it would be hard to explain.

In the next few weeks I need to get myself down to the college and talk to the financial aid adviser. Hopefully they will have some insight for me. (Unless any of you have any student loan information? No? I didn't think so, you are probably all smart enough to avoid it, or it was so long ago, or maybe you haven't gone to college? Yeah, its probably a little of all of them. I would gladly accept help, though.) Will told me he had a hard time getting help from the advisers, that they were not the most knowledgeable people, and he ended up researching and finding his own student loan. I know that we make a fair amount of money. I know that it might be harder for me to get a federal loan because of that.

I just want to do something. I don't want to sit on my butt and get old, and have nothing to show for it, you know? I know that Will supports my going to school fully, and that makes it feel like a great idea. I know as a nontraditional student, it is going to be tough, with the girls and having to still keep house. It will be so worth it, too, when I finally have my associates degree. You didn't know I don't even have that? You thought I was so well spoken, so knowledgeable, that I probably had a bachelor's in something? Well, I have an awful lot of credits (probably around 80 or so since I have been taking classes on and off for over a decade- GAH! that makes me sound old), just not in the right areas, so my credits do not add up to much.

I've Got Lucky Crabs

Friday was Hairball's birthday. Since her little nursling is old enough and able to take a bottle she was allowed out of his grasp to hang out with some friends (and a great cousin.)

In high school she and I were friends with brothers. We both hung out with these guys all of the time. Usually she gets to hang out with the one she was actually pals with JR, but this time she talked the older brother, DL, into hanging out with us, too. I will admit this made the evening even more exciting. I hadn't hung out with DL in years.

Our first stop of the evening was the movies and we watched all the blood and gore and delightful singing of Sweeney Todd. Oh my it was delectable (as far as arterial spray goes.) Johnny Depp did not disappoint in his role and although I probably won't watch it over and over again, I did enjoy the movie.

We were hungry (and not for meat pies) after the movie. Hairball likes to go out for seafood when she is sans husband, as he can not stand the smell of fish (and lets face it every seafood restaurant smells deliciously of fish.) We ate at Joe's Crab Shack. Our guys friends immediately told the waiter that it was someone's birthday. At Joe's they make the person stand up and participate in the festive singing. Hairball had to sing "I've got lucky crabs" while holding a plastic crab (her arm was complete!)

Our next destination was a bar. No, Hairball is still the fairly good little Mormon girl she always has been (but how can you be a great little Mormon girl when you just watched Sweeney Todd?) We were headed to karaoke night, to watch DL and JR sing. They were drinking and having a great time. I will admit that it was a little less than fun after the first hour. It was hot, my butt was stuck to the vinyl seat and it was about eleven at night. I am not a late night person, I get tired, and I like my sleep. But the laughter was good, my cheeks hurt from it. I suppose if anything that makes hanging out with the guys worthwhile. DL was voted class clown in our graduating class (I was voted "most talented," did I ever mention that?)

It was really late, but we still had a few more stops that we had to make. Our yearly pilgrimage to the naughty store. We went the a "fancy" one this time, less down and dirty sex items, more frilly and just funny ones.

Without making any purchases (well maybe one) we left. At this point I was hungry and thirsty. We zipped over to Denny's for quality food. It was the same Denny's that Will and I went to on our first date, and met at while I was pregnant with Rhayn and we were trying to talk. Lets just say there are a lot of memories at that Denny's. I had some greasy cheese fries,I don't know why I like those. But I do (I order mine without bacon.)

It was around two when we finally all headed home. I was so happy to be in my nice warm bed at that point. I can not wait to see what we do next year. Although I will have to find an actual babysitter as Will will be gone. I am constantly reminded of that by little things, things he won't be here to fix or do. But I have friends and family and that is really all you need. We will survive!

Temple Lights

Madder and Grandma

Gwennie and Grandpa

Will and Ender, discussing what I can only imagine is World of Warcraft and the many hours spent playing.

Gwennie and Madder in awe of the Shepards, look at the Sheep!

Do you feel like you have forgotten something? You have all the gifts bought and wrapped. The stocking stuffers are safely hidden away. Santa gifts are even wrapped and hidden away. So what is missing from the list?

Everything is ready, so why don't I feel like I am?

For one, we haven't been to the Temple Lights yet. We have that planned for tonight. We made a night weeks ago, but it poured rain all night so we had to reschedule. I always feel a strong desire to attend church the Sunday before Christmas. I guess to reconnect with Jesus and the true reason for the season.

I want to listen to my Dad reading the Nativity story right out of the Holy Bible. I miss acting out the Nativity with my family. We don't do that (having no boys.) Maybe I can have my mom record my Dad reading it, or maybe call and she can put him on speaker phone so my girls can listen to their Grandpa reading. I don't know I just feel like I need that on Christmas Eve to make it feel... right.

It doesn't help that this year I am sick (oh lovely cold, how I despise you.) My head is awash in liquidy, sloshiness. It isn't awful enough to sleep all day but its not nice.

Today was Rhayn's last day of school for 2007. She is getting excited, but for me, it is most exciting to not have to get up and dressed and drive her to school in the chilly morning. I am really looking forward to trying to sleep in tomorrow, then getting up and baking my butt off. It is time for some tasty bread! I just finished some sugar cookie dough. That has to refrigerate for at least 3 hours, and will be perfect tomorrow when I want to make them. I bought a prebaked gingerbread house kit at Costco. Sad, but Will and I did make it from scratch one year and it was WAY too much trouble. So we decided that was not worth it and the kit is perfect.

(Look how many labels this post has! Wow!)

A Simple Phone Call

Sometimes I will go whole weeks without talking to my family. Today I called my mom, who told me that Grandma is really depressed and I should give her a call. All day it has been in my mind to call her. All day I spent trying to deal with little kids who are super brats so the phone call was not going to happen unless I put on a movie. I do not talk to Grandma very often, honestly because it makes me sad to talk to her, I love her immensely, and when I talk to her in the back of my mind is this little voice saying "Will this be the last time? Will I remember to say 'I love you' just in case I never have another chance?"

I hate hate hate that I do not visit her, and I hate hate hate that I do not even call her once a week (or even once a month.)

When we were kids she was so vital, valiant and vivacious. I can't say I took her for granted, because I was a kid, they take EVERYTHING for granted. My mom made sure we spent time with her and it was always fun. Grandma took us one trips (the picture is from a trip to SLC when I was 10? with Hairball, her brother, her mom, and Grandma. I realized as I was looking through our trips that there are very few pictures of Grandma. She took hundreds of pictures of us, she made sure to document our trips, yet her lovely face is almost absent in the albums. I guess when I look at the picture album, I am looking at our trip through her chocolate brown twinkling eyes.)

After dinner tonight I made myself sit down, pick up the phone and take the time to call her. I spent nearly forty minutes talking to her, and listening to stories. I feel good, because I know that she appreciates phone calls. I feel awful because she told me that she has been in a funk, and that she thinks it might be because she recently returned from a trip to South Dakota, and visiting her sister. Auntie D isn't doing so well, and Grandma said it was her "trip to say goodbye to the place." Goodbye to her childhood home, goodbye to her sister.

I can't imagine visiting South Dakota and knowing that Auntie D isn't in her trailer, with the hair salon on one end. I can't imagine not hearing about the HUGE rock, that was at the end of the lane that Grandma walked past. Then we would drive up to it, or walk over to it, and it was so little. But as I aged I realized that two things have happened, Grandma was just a little kid when she made those memories and that rock has been exposed to the elements and in 80 years it must have become smaller.

A simple phone call has made me ponder so many of my memories. So many of the places I have been, and people I have met, would I have been ther if it weren't for her? No, a resounding no, because first off, I wouldn't be here if it were for my very own Rosie the Riveter. She is the matriarch of my great family. She is the most loving and wonderful person I have ever know, will ever know, and I just hope that she knows that.

evening and lonely

I am still at my parents house. Its 9:30 and I am alone. My sister is usually here and we giggle and have fun, but she isn't home. I watched a movie called "Pride and Prejudice" its an LDS take on the story i guess. (Since the characters are LDS and talk about the Ensign and even has a scene at church...) it was an excellent movie.

We went to a baby shower for my cousin and it was pretty fun. I didn't win any games, oh well. I don't think I ever have except right after Rhayn was born. Holding Collin REALLY made the baby lust kick in. Oh, its awful! I really hope Will and I don't have trouble conceiving a baby. I want another one so badly.

I guess I should go to bed. I don't have any reason to be online, and I really don't have a lot to say.
Goodnight.....