My Choice, Myself

Time flies doesn't it? And before you know it Christmas is here again, the presents are wrapped and the tree is lit up. The children are excited for Santa to come. And every year I feel this total sense of forgetting something. What is it I ask myself? What have I forgotten to get the girls, Will? Myself? Is it just that time, spinning out of control so fast has made me miss, once again, the reason for the season?

You may or may not know that Will is not religious. In fact he doesn't believe in God. This makes religious holidays hard for me. I love him, and do not want to change him. Yet I wonder how to teach my children about Christ, about love, sacrifice, morality, and all of the things that I was taught by attending church. I know, I could take them to church. However I always feel wrong in church. I am of course talking about LDS churches, because I do attend them when I am at my parents' house on the weekends. I sing the hymns along with the best of them, and get choked up at heartfelt stories.

However I don't feel the love in my heart anymore. I know that my dad would say it is because I have turned my back on Heavenly Father, and maybe that is true. I have turned myself towards my husband and I would follow him anywhere. Even if I were to start being a really good Mormon girl, I would always feel left out of the big loop. My husband is not going to go to the temple with me. He will never be my partner for eternity, we will not get a kingdom of our own.

My choice to turn away from the LDS church started long before I met him. And my decision to continue to turn away from it now, has only a little to do with him. He tells me that if I chose to attend church and be active he would stand by me. I trust the truthfullness of those words. He loves me, because I am me. He would love me no less if I were a good little Mormon Mom. He says that she lurks beneath my surface, Molly Mormon. He tells me that she comes out now and again. That may be true, for she was my past, the person I was before I became a teenager. She was with me through hard times, she stood by my side even when I was bad. She stands by me still.


bodaat said...

I could have a 3 hour discussion with you about this! To keep it short reading your story was like reading a parallel of mine. Maybe after the holidays are over we can get together and chat it up over tea.

Everyday Mom Designs said...

Good entry. My husband is Buddhist and I don't know what I am.. I'm me, I guess. I find a hard time believing in God, and choose not to. But I have good morals and am a good person. We will be teaching Leala about all religions, and let her decide.

Amie said...

Sometimes I feel when I read your blogs that you feel like you are in limbo...like you know what you want to believe, but for some reason (whether it's related to Will or not) that you can't believe that way. I think it's just going to take some time for you to figure out what you want, what you need, what you believe, and how that will in turn effect your life. I know many LDS women who's spouses are not LDS, but they are able to be fully active LDS themselves while still fully supporting their husbands. It's definitely a personal decision and one that needs to be handled with a lot of prayer. Your family comes first. (But you know that the Lord also has your family's best interests at heart and that being closer to Him would only be a positive thing) I hope that doesn't come off too pious sounding, it wasn't meant to be.

Love ya. =)

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