I just wrote a big check, and starting tomorrow our back yard will be getting a lovely transformation. I am excited, and at the same time apprehensive because it is a big step, and a lot of money. I just know that I can not do it myself. I know that taking charge of this project is a big step for me because I am not a take charge kind of person.
I feel like I am coming into my own, as an adult. I am taking charge of parts of my life, because I have to. I am not a little girl. My mom can't take care of me and she can't make my choices. My husband isn't here to make the choices. (Although he was just a phone call away and that made it feel so much better.) I have to learn to do these things myself.
Being able to call Will on his phone today made him feel so close. It felt, for a moment, like he was right here, with me, next to me, loving me, instead of about 1778 miles away. (Which is more than what I wrote a check for today, but not much.)
College is part of what I want to accomplish this year. I currently have NO credit. NONE. Like I don't even exist. Seriously, even bad credit is better than no credit. Having no job makes it hard for me to get a credit card (if not impossible) and I have looked into other ways to build my credit. I have finally come up with a great plan. I will take out a student loan for school this fall. I can probably get a small one, just enough to pay for classes and books, and maybe help with the child care I will have to put Gwennie Goo in. Maybe I will be able to take Chemistry (yeah, I know it sounds weird, but I really want to take it. I liked it in high school but couldn't admit it, especially with our teacher being the bishop!) I also enjoyed biology, until we had to dissect a fetal pig, that was not my cup of tea, not saying as a child I never dissected a dead gopher or anything, just the smell of formaldehyde was overpowering and I was in a weird place when dealing with pork, it would be hard to explain.
In the next few weeks I need to get myself down to the college and talk to the financial aid adviser. Hopefully they will have some insight for me. (Unless any of you have any student loan information? No? I didn't think so, you are probably all smart enough to avoid it, or it was so long ago, or maybe you haven't gone to college? Yeah, its probably a little of all of them. I would gladly accept help, though.) Will told me he had a hard time getting help from the advisers, that they were not the most knowledgeable people, and he ended up researching and finding his own student loan. I know that we make a fair amount of money. I know that it might be harder for me to get a federal loan because of that.
I just want to do something. I don't want to sit on my butt and get old, and have nothing to show for it, you know? I know that Will supports my going to school fully, and that makes it feel like a great idea. I know as a nontraditional student, it is going to be tough, with the girls and having to still keep house. It will be so worth it, too, when I finally have my associates degree. You didn't know I don't even have that? You thought I was so well spoken, so knowledgeable, that I probably had a bachelor's in something? Well, I have an awful lot of credits (probably around 80 or so since I have been taking classes on and off for over a decade- GAH! that makes me sound old), just not in the right areas, so my credits do not add up to much.