Final

Grandma passed away yesterday morning. I'm still not sure how I feel, such a mix of emotions filling me.
I'm happy for her, because the last few years have been hard on her physically. I'm happy that she's with my grandpa and her family who has passed on before her (but really, with my grandpa, my eyes gets teary when I think of the how it must have been for them to be together after 30 years).
I'm sad for me, because I miss her. But I miss the grandma I had years ago, the one who was always moving and making memories with us. The one who joked and could hear. The happy person she was.
But...
but...
Really I'm sad for my kids who won't get to know her, Natalie and Abby who never got to know her.

APRIL

So far April has not been a good month. It started with dry sockets, a pain that was miserable and still lingers just a wee bit. Getting wisdom teeth out at 36 isn't fun. The recovery was hard.

On April 5th we were supposed to celebrate my grandma's 93rd birthday in Coolidge. I was one week out from the extraction and I was crossing my fingers that the pain would be manageable by then. The girls all wanted to go to see cousins, and Will needed to stay home and get some things done around the house.

The Tuesday (I think) before the party, my mom texted me to tell me that she was taking Grandma to the ER because she was having trouble breathing. My heart sank but I was hopeful that she'd soon be on the mend and wouldn't miss her party. There was no good news, the drs thought it was her heart, or pnemonia, or both, or just her body was giving out. They gave her blood and hoped for the best.

Thursday my mom texted me to let me know my brother was on his way to the ER with an infection in his arm. His wife was forcing him to go and I'm so glad she did.

Friday the girls and I drove to Coolidge to stay at my parents' house. They were remodeling the kitchen and the house was torn apart. But there is always room for us there. Friday they moved my grandma to Hospice so that she could have visitors all day on her birthday. At the hospital she couldn't have her great-grandkids visit and that was miserable for her. She loves her family so much that thinking of not getting to see them was hard and since there was no way they would let her leave to go to her party, she needed to see everyone.

Saturday morning we headed to her house just around the corner from my parents'. My Aunt Lynda was there working and not sitting still for a moment, my cousin Carter was there and I hadn't seen him in years so that was a great surprise. He and I was very close during high school, because we are the same age and had very similar interests. I wouldn't have enjoyed high school as much without him by my side.

People came and went all day long, heading to Casa Grande to spend time by Grandma's side, then coming back to eat food and talk with relatives. Grandma had rented a little train for the great-grands and they loved it. I wish she could have seen the happiness on their faces as the conductor drove them around the neighborhood. Her eyes would have twinkled.

The day wore on and on. Finally people left and we ate more. Brie took her girls to see Grandma around 7, I was planning on seeing her in the morning then leaving for home from CG. Rhayn had gone back to my mom's house a few hours earlier to play with one cousin, because there was just too much going on at Great-Grandma's house. The other girls and I went back to my mom's around 8:30 and went to bed.

In the morning, I took girls to Jesse's house. He was having surgery at 7am and Brie was staying there to watch his kids so Stacey could be with him. My parents went over early to help out. I took a quick trip to spend some time with Jodi, (my brother, Garrett's wife). Then went to Jesse's house to hang out a little while before heading to CG to see Grandma. 

We got to CG around 12:30 and relieved Aunt Lynda, Uncle Danny and his kids, who were there so they could go eat, and the girls and I spent some time with Grandma. It was so hard seeing her like that. She looked so tiny in the bed, and her breathing wasn't easy. I held her hand for a while and gave her hugs. But I had all of the girls with me. Abby slept in the carrier on my back for a little while, but when she woke up she wanted to crawl around and I wouldn't let her. Natalie was scared of Great-grandma, she stayed back and I sent Rhayn, Gwen and Natalie for a walk. We stayed for an hour and a half. In the beginning Grandma joked a little about how God didn't want her and the devil won't take her. One of her oldest jokes. She talked about how much she missed Grandpa, who had died nearly 30 years ago. Someone had brought his picture and it was on the nightstand next to her. She told me how handsome he was and my eyes filled with tears that I wouldn't let fall. I could not start crying. Even though I was sure this would be the last time I would get to talk to my grandma. I told her how much I loved her. I wish I would have said more, told her how much she means to me, what an inspiration she's been in my life. How many people she's touched. I wished my girls hadn't been there so I could have just sat with her for the rest of the day.

After an hour and a half, Natalie was starting to act up. She's three and it was hard for her to be good for that long, plus she was tired and needed a nap. I went to find the girls and we filed back into Grandma's room. We gave her more hugs and kisses and she smiled at the camera when I sat the girls next to her for a final picture. I'm kicking myself because I didn't hand the camera to one of the girls and get a picture of ME with her. I'd thought of it earlier but I forgot until we left. We all told her we loved her, and with that final sentiment, we walked out of the room.

Its been a week now, and my heart breaks again every day. She's still hanging on, but she isn't Grandma anymore. Thanks to Facebook my mom and Aunt Suzy keep all of us who are far away informed about everything that happens to her. On Sunday the family had a fast and prayer for her, not that she get better, we all know that isn't the best thing for her. But to give her peace and allow her to join my Grandpa and her sister Deloris in heaven.

I've been weepy every day, trying to go about my normal business, keeping myself busy, busy, busy, because there is nothing I can do and I'm not sure what I should do or how I should feel. I find myself checking Facebook and reading stories my cousins post about her, and their favorite memories. I hear in my head her voice counting, and skipping that one number (I think it was twelve), counting with grandkids, making us giggle. "I never say twelve, 1,2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, THIRTEEN!" she'd say. I hear her voice, telling me about all of the things my cousins were up to.

Just now, again checking Facebook, I read updates from my mom like this one:

"Tuesday morning. While Suzy told her that 4/14/14 would be a good day to die, grandma held on to life. Slowly slipping deeper and deeper into that eternal rest. This morning they were not able to get a pulse even though they tried both wrists and one ankle. She is sleeping so peacefully as if any moment she is going to sit up and start talking. She had one short episode last night around midnight where she keep calling for help. She has done that several times over the past few days. Each episode is a little shorter and a lot less intense. Suzy sat constant watch (with her eyes shut) with her last night as Danny and Kim went to a hotel to finally get a shower and rest. Craig and I left so we could finish our income taxes because the only thing certain in this world is death and taxes."

I've spent this morning, tears streaming down my face, finally allowing myself to really mourn and cry. And still I hear her voice in my head "THIRTEEN!"

Most Wanted- Polly the Pirate

This criminal loves geocaching and will often be found driving on back roads slowly looking for small containers. She has been known to have children with her on these trips to hunt for the treasures. Her main accomplice is her husband, an older man, who is just sneaky enough to avoid having his photo taken. They have over a thousand finds and are in constant competition with her sister. She also tortures her husband with Christmas music starting on Thanksgiving day. She has an eclectic sense of fashion. Her children refuse to turn her in because they all love her so much and have been known to harbor her.
If you see Polly the Pirate, please call the Yuma Territorial Prison.

*This picture was taken exactly one year ago on our trip home from San Diego. We stopped at the Yuma Territorial Prison. They had this mirror that had been used to take mug shots of criminals.

Love Smells

I don't know if you can see what she has in her hand in the photo because it is backwards. That is a bag of David Brand pumpkin seeds. She has been taking them with her everywhere we go lately (unless I have them hidden.) You see when we picked Will up at the airport he had a bag of them, which he shared with her. She loved them, and asked for seeds often.

Thursday morning we stumbled into Circle K so Mama could get some coffee (I was running late from home, and have been trying really hard to eat breakfast, so coffee time has been pushed back, but I have more energy in the morning.) I had just dropped Rhayn off at school, so it was just Gwen and me. We were headed back to the school to help out with the May Day garlands. She asked for a treat, and we walked by the nuts and seeds section. She saw the bag immediately. I tried to switch the big bag for the smaller, but she refused.

"This one (pause for effect) is like Daddy's!" She clutched it tightly and looked at me, big blue eyes filled with tears that wouldn't escape. "Like MY Daddy's" she said simply, and I knew that she would carry her seeds around the whole day if I let her.

We left Circle K with one coffee refill and pumpkin seeds "Just like Daddy's"

As you can tell it is Saturday and she still clutches her bag. I have to hide them from her, or she would eat nothing else. I see her slowly eating one seed at a time, because that was how Daddy taught her to eat them. She carefully picks a seed out of the bag with her thumb and forefinger, she pops it in her mouth. You can almost see her memory of her Daddy sharing his seeds with her. I bet the taste and smell of them will always remind her of her Daddy, through eternity.

The way the smell of fig trees reminds me of my Grandpa, especially in the hot sun. I will slide my hand over the leaves, to release the fragrance. I will lean into my fig tree, just to catch a whiff. To be taken, if just for a moment, back to his garden and his love. To return to my childhood, when I was only four. Or maybe younger. That smell, hot fig tree leaves, hot from the summer sun, always awakens memories and reminds me of love.

Not Just Any "Plain Old Grandma"

Today we were out at a movie (Nim's Island so cute!) with my Mom, Grandma, and LVH. After the movie LVH asked Rhayn whose soda she was holding. " My... um... Plain Old Grandma's."

Since Rhayn has the pleasure of having a great-grandma she used to be confused by it and we started saying "Great-Grandma" or "Regular Grandma. " No, my mom doesn't condone this, but the girls understand who we are referring to.

I am sorry Mom, you are NOT a "plain, old" grandma, nor are you "regular" in any way. You are a unique and young grandma.

Worries

I registered for a drawing class this semester. Yeah! However this means finding child care for Gwennie Goo two mornings a week. I called two places today, and one of them I really like. The other one is an institution, and more of a preschool type place (cameras and all sorts of things.) I am not sure how I feel about that. The first one is a place that a friend of mine takes her son who is only six weeks younger than Gwennie Goo. (Plus.) It is just across the street from Rhayn's school. (Another plus.) I am going to check it out on Monday.

Will and I have been married nearly five years. For our anniversary this year we are going away, alone, (no kids) for one night. I am worried about how Gwennie Goo will handle this. She is night weaned, but still asks for it. She hasn't have night-time gup in a month. She gets a nursing around seven and then not again until nap time the next day. She should be fine in that aspect. I have never left her over night though. I won't be close or able to help. I know my parents can handle her, they have Rhayn right now, and have been taking her over night since she was about eight months old. Why am I so worked up about this? It is ridiculous! And over a month away!

The day care thing- that is not even two weeks away and I hope to drop her off next week as a trial (at least one day.)

Do you feel like you have forgotten something? You have all the gifts bought and wrapped. The stocking stuffers are safely hidden away. Santa gifts are even wrapped and hidden away. So what is missing from the list?

Everything is ready, so why don't I feel like I am?

For one, we haven't been to the Temple Lights yet. We have that planned for tonight. We made a night weeks ago, but it poured rain all night so we had to reschedule. I always feel a strong desire to attend church the Sunday before Christmas. I guess to reconnect with Jesus and the true reason for the season.

I want to listen to my Dad reading the Nativity story right out of the Holy Bible. I miss acting out the Nativity with my family. We don't do that (having no boys.) Maybe I can have my mom record my Dad reading it, or maybe call and she can put him on speaker phone so my girls can listen to their Grandpa reading. I don't know I just feel like I need that on Christmas Eve to make it feel... right.

It doesn't help that this year I am sick (oh lovely cold, how I despise you.) My head is awash in liquidy, sloshiness. It isn't awful enough to sleep all day but its not nice.

Today was Rhayn's last day of school for 2007. She is getting excited, but for me, it is most exciting to not have to get up and dressed and drive her to school in the chilly morning. I am really looking forward to trying to sleep in tomorrow, then getting up and baking my butt off. It is time for some tasty bread! I just finished some sugar cookie dough. That has to refrigerate for at least 3 hours, and will be perfect tomorrow when I want to make them. I bought a prebaked gingerbread house kit at Costco. Sad, but Will and I did make it from scratch one year and it was WAY too much trouble. So we decided that was not worth it and the kit is perfect.

(Look how many labels this post has! Wow!)

Cold, Cold Wet Day

"The sun did not shine.
It was too wet to play.
So we sat in the house
All that cold, cold wet day."
We waited for Grandma.
We sat there, we two.
We watched and we waited
For something to do.

I had a nice day. I had my hair trimmed and my purple streak bleached (so that I can re-purple it.) Then my mom called because we were planning to meet up with her in the afternoon. She needed to get her car fixed, and was in town. It was going to take quite a few hours, so I picked Rhayn up from school early and we headed over. The Toyota dealership was awesome, with this really neat pirate ship play area for kids. Unfortunately, as happens every other day in my world, Gwen hit her head as she fell off of the crow's nest ladder.

We went to Target and wandered around for hours, looking at nearly everything.

My dad was in town doing his new job, and so he met us for dinner. We ate at the Texas Roadhouse (yum!) After dinner we all headed home.

Gwen fell asleep in the car, and slept all the way home. However when we came in, she became really fussy. She told me that her "belly owie!" She writhed and coughed, but didn't puke (yet.) I took her temperature. I held her upright and we rocked, and she nursed for a minute, then suddenly told me "I no want it." What? She must be REALLY sick, if she turns down gup! I asked her if she wanted to watch Shrek, so that I could blog (yeah, great Mom am I.) She said "Nes" and climbed into my bed, curled into a ball, and waited for me to turn it on. Right now she is on her stomach with her butt in the air watching Shrek 2. I am worried that this will be a long night. I am sure that this is something we have picked up from school. I believe I mentioned yesterday that Rhayn said her tummy hurt last night? And mine feels a little queasy, but that might be stress related.

Sigh, another day, another illness, right?


*Its 930 pm now, Shrek has ended and I just did the unthinkable (well, it was unthinkable before I had children, but now? It isn't just thinkable- its a regular sicktime occurrence.) I heard Gwennie getting ready to puke, and so put out my hands and caught. I didn't manage to keep it all from getting on the bed and she soiled two blankets in her hurling. However, she seems a little calmer. She was passing some pretty noxious gas before the vomiting.

I can feel a headache starting, and all I want is to sleep. This however is the last thing I think I will be doing tonight.

A Simple Phone Call

Sometimes I will go whole weeks without talking to my family. Today I called my mom, who told me that Grandma is really depressed and I should give her a call. All day it has been in my mind to call her. All day I spent trying to deal with little kids who are super brats so the phone call was not going to happen unless I put on a movie. I do not talk to Grandma very often, honestly because it makes me sad to talk to her, I love her immensely, and when I talk to her in the back of my mind is this little voice saying "Will this be the last time? Will I remember to say 'I love you' just in case I never have another chance?"

I hate hate hate that I do not visit her, and I hate hate hate that I do not even call her once a week (or even once a month.)

When we were kids she was so vital, valiant and vivacious. I can't say I took her for granted, because I was a kid, they take EVERYTHING for granted. My mom made sure we spent time with her and it was always fun. Grandma took us one trips (the picture is from a trip to SLC when I was 10? with Hairball, her brother, her mom, and Grandma. I realized as I was looking through our trips that there are very few pictures of Grandma. She took hundreds of pictures of us, she made sure to document our trips, yet her lovely face is almost absent in the albums. I guess when I look at the picture album, I am looking at our trip through her chocolate brown twinkling eyes.)

After dinner tonight I made myself sit down, pick up the phone and take the time to call her. I spent nearly forty minutes talking to her, and listening to stories. I feel good, because I know that she appreciates phone calls. I feel awful because she told me that she has been in a funk, and that she thinks it might be because she recently returned from a trip to South Dakota, and visiting her sister. Auntie D isn't doing so well, and Grandma said it was her "trip to say goodbye to the place." Goodbye to her childhood home, goodbye to her sister.

I can't imagine visiting South Dakota and knowing that Auntie D isn't in her trailer, with the hair salon on one end. I can't imagine not hearing about the HUGE rock, that was at the end of the lane that Grandma walked past. Then we would drive up to it, or walk over to it, and it was so little. But as I aged I realized that two things have happened, Grandma was just a little kid when she made those memories and that rock has been exposed to the elements and in 80 years it must have become smaller.

A simple phone call has made me ponder so many of my memories. So many of the places I have been, and people I have met, would I have been ther if it weren't for her? No, a resounding no, because first off, I wouldn't be here if it were for my very own Rosie the Riveter. She is the matriarch of my great family. She is the most loving and wonderful person I have ever know, will ever know, and I just hope that she knows that.

Bread pudding and Lipstick

Thursday morning my mom called me. She was in town, and had nothing to do for a few hours, so she invited me to lunch. We decided that since Rhayn gets out of school at 12:30 we'd wait until after to meet at Claimjumpers. I am not the biggest fan of their food, unless it is their bread pudding. Oh. My. Gosh. That stuff is delectable! Its huge, and one order fed the four of us easily. (Gwennie ate more than I did, I think.)




I miss getting to spend time with my mom. Its rare that we do that. We used to have much more time together. It seems now that with her current living situation she is all "grandkidded" out when it comes time to spend with me. I am sure its not the case, but not living in Cool-town, it takes more for her to spend time with me and my girls.

Gwennie is such a little girl. She loves to put on make-up. She often sits and looks at herself in the mirror. If you tell her she is pretty, she will leave a barrette in, even! Its nearly her 16 month newsletter time, and at this moment I can think of so many things she has recently accomplished. Its amazing how much she is turning into herself.

Rhayn is feeling the brunt of big-sisterhood lately. Gwennie wants to be wherever she is, and that means playtime has gotten harder. She gets frustrated easily, and yells at her sister. I think that I yell too much. I hate that about myself. I get frustrated too easily, also.

I posted a big long post last week after my first official appointment with my midwife and BAM its lost in cyberspace.
Oh well.
Basically when I went in she was unable to locate the heartbeat. So she had me come back a few days later (which was yesterday) She and her student midwife worked together, Pam held my uterus still so he couldn't wiggle away as he was doing the other day while Robin (student) used the Doppler to listen. When they finally got him on there it was pretty loud (they had kept getting little tidbits of his heart) but he moved a little and when they found him again it was REALLY loud and BEAUTIFUL! It filled my eyes with tears, because now I am so sure he is ok. I will have a tiny little bundle of love in September! It was so awesome, I know at the ultrasound I was happy, but this well this was the best feeling I have had so far!
Maybe it has something to do with me feeling better and not being sick all day. I still feel a little sick, but mostly I am feeling on top of the world! ALL HAIL the second trimester! (next week!)
My sister is coming over today, it will be fun to spend some time with her, hopefully she is feeling better, too!
My mom told me that she can't relax until October. I asked her why- well 1. Bri's wedding will be long gone. 2. she will have 2 new grandbabies! 3. her contract at work will be re-negotiated. so everything that is stressing her out will be "all over" be October (mid to late) I can't believe that Bri and I will have babies the same age! I think this is really going to draw us even closer! I really hope that someday Rhayn has a sister and can have a "built in friend" in her! :)