I never knew surrendering a dog would haunt me the way it has. Its been nearly a month and not one single day goes by without me feeling like a failure of a pet owner.

Today Will took some mail to our box, and noticed a dog sitting alone and cold on the porch of a house we watched a large amount of people moving out of just a few days ago. Another abandoned dog. And my heart breaks for him/her. I wish I didn't know he/she was there, on that porch alone just 4 houses away, because it brings back memories of finding Penny. I can't believe anyone would just leave an animal, but it looks like someone did.

When I came home from getting Rhayn, there the dog was, I wish I hadn't seen him/her. And there is nothing we can do for it. It kills me inside and once again I am mourning the loss of Penny, and the whole situation that surrounded that.

(And being pregnant and hormonal does NOT help at all.)

What I should be doing...

I feel inspired to sew and create, but this lingering cold (and a migraine on top of it) is keeping me down today. I want to make a bunch more of the Dala horse ornaments that I made for the Winter Faire. I cut them out but haven't started embroidering them. I also have fabric waiting for a few Christmas gifts, including some fleece Gwennie helped me pick out today to make pajama pants for the girls (and myself I hope).

But instead of doing any of those things, I have been sitting here looking at some of my favorite inspirational blogs and shivering. I am looking at our dining room table which has temporarily become a craft station (covered in glitter and mess).

I have pictures to take of some things I have created lately. I have Christmas cards to get into the mail, because I finally picked them up at Costco today. I have laundry to do, as usual, but its cold and that means I probably won't use the clothesline. However it should be in the upper 60s tomorrow so I will do it then.

Oh, and Gwennie has a fever along with her stuffed up nose and the cold. Now its time for Rhayn to pick up the cold and be miserable.

Gratitude Monday

This week I am thankful for

• being 24 weeks along. 6 months in, 4 months to go. Baby lets me know "she" is there with pokes and jabs all of the time. This is reassuring since once again this morning I had a little bit of spotting.
  
• my mad sewing skillz. At Rhayn's school they have a winter faire, and we are asked to donate a number of items for it. I love making things and having a reason makes me happy. (See the above Dala horse ornaments that I made yesterday.)
  
• Will. Yesterday when I felt miserable and could barely breath he took Rhayn and her friend to a birthday party. It was nice to be able to rest, knowing that they were safe and taken care of.
• my girls. Rhayn has been a huge help while I have been sick, so has Gwennie.
  

Thanksgiving with Larry!

Saturday we had Thanksgiving Day (Observed) with my family. Larry the Lobster came along.

We started off at my parents house. It was Lily's birthday (she turned 4) so we brought her along for a playdate with Blue. Ok really we planned to be out of the house most of the day and we like to bring Lily along, it had nothing to do with it being her birthday.

I didn't take very many pictures because I felt so miserable all day. I just didn't have the energy to go outside and take pictures of the kids playing.

At my parents house we should have helped make food. I sat there and tried not to cough and sneeze on the food being prepared. Will helped chop up the apples for Apple Onion Stuffin' Muffins. Rhayn helped read the recipe because it printed quite tiny. (Check out the super awesome purple Docs she has on. I originally bought them for her for Christmas. There was no size in the shoes, so I had her try them on, and they barely fit so I gave them to her early. She told me that she feels "cool" in them. I love her style, this outfit is totally Leaner circa 1994.)

Larry had to check out my parents new Christmas tree (it was about time for a new one, the old fake one shed more than a real tree on New Year's Day!) Mike Wazowski was chilling in the tree and the duo made a nice red/green contrast, don't you think? We went to JVA and SLA's house to eat. I didn't get to hold any sweet babies because of my cold. It was really sad for me. But I held Larry and ate a bunch of food that I really couldn't taste. My sister made an apple pie that I think tasted good. The textures were right. I could smell it a little bit. I didn't overeat like I had on Thanksgiving day, but I still felt bloated. Actually I felt awful because I couldn't get a deep breath and the whole ride home was rather miserable. At home Larry sat with Lily for a quick birthday picture before we all went to bed for the night.

Thanksgiving

The last few years my extended family has celebrated Thanksgiving as an observed holiday, due to conflicting work schedules. This has allowed us to start a whole new tradition of having Thanksgiving twice. On Thanksgiving day, we load up and drive just down the road to our friends' house. They have kids close in age to our own and a huge property just right for enjoying the best time of year in Arizona.

This year our other friends joined the party totalling 9 adults, and 6 kids (plus 5 dogs, 2 horses a couple of goats and chickens.) It was a lot off fun and I ate so much I felt 9 months pregnant by the time we all headed home.

Will was happy to get to play some soccer with the guys (and Rhayn.)After soccer, we had dessert. The kids watched a movie. The adults sat around and talked and joked. It was perfect.

I woke up feeling pretty good on Thanksgiving. We had a great day and I ate so much I really felt huge and uncomfortably pregnant by bedtime.

And then...

I slept terribly last night. It was miserable, I am miserable. After I fell asleep, Gwennie woke up, whimpering and needed help finding the toilet. I didn't stay there to help her wipe and all that, instead I climbed back into my warm cocoon and dozed back off. Moments later she came back to bed, pant and pantiless. Huh. I went into the bathroom to see what had become of her pants and found the underpants floating in the toilet, and the pants hanging over the toilet paper roll. HUH? I fished the underpants out of the toilet, rinsed them, and hung them up to dry a little (lest they mildew) and placed the pants in the hamper. I put a clean pair of pajama pants on her and went back to sleep.

Sort of.

My head was stuffy, and around 3 am, I woke up dizzy. It felt like the room was spinning. I felt slightly drunk. I rolled over and nearly was sick. However I managed to get back to sleep.

Until 5 am. I woke up suddenly because of a cramp in my leg. Ouch. When it finally stopped, I had a hard time going back to sleep because my nose was stuffed up, my throat hurt, and my ears felt like I had gone up in elevation. Yuck. Then Lily decided to come up and talk to me. (She usually comes up around 5:30 to whine at me.) I told her no, and buried my head in the pillow.

I did eventually sleep again, waking up at 7 feeling less than refreshed. I took a hot, vapor-rub shower and hoped it would clear my head. I wake up (during pregnancy) stuffed up a lot, and a hot shower helps. Not today. Today my nose is still dripping, I'm sneezing, my throat hurts, and my left ear still feels like I went up in elevation (add to that my right leg hurts from that cramp!)

I want to go back to bed and start over from last night. Or at least take a niiiiice loooong nap.

Its a very good thing I had no Black Friday shopping plans. I was thinking of taking the girls to the zoo, but unless I feel markedly better by noon there is no way we're doing anything.

Christmas is fast approaching and I am trying my hardest to stay calm. I want to fully enjoy this year. I want to enjoy every day, but Christmas- the whole holiday season- is my favorite time of year. I love the chill in the air. I love Christmas music. I love red and green. I love decorating for it. I love finding the perfect gift for someone I love. I just love it.I inherited from my mom some wonderful things, and this love of the season (and all of the lovely music that comes with it!) is one of them. However I also got from her a worry about it. And as I have aged I have lost much of the wonder of it all. I know that is normal. I understand that. But I want to recapture the wonder through the eyes of my children. I don't want them to see me during this season as a jumble of stress. I don't want to yell because things aren't perfect (how could they ever be?)
This year is a whole lot more stressful than some in the past (not including this year.) We are not broke, but money is a lot less abundant than it has been in recent memory. I usually have a good portion of the gifts taken care of and squirreled away by now. I don't have that this year. We are looking to make it a more modest season. Maybe we'll even get a little more into the reason we celebrate this time of year. I would love to have teach the girls (and myself) a little more about Hanukkah, the Winter Solstice, and the meaning of Christmas. There are beautiful stories associated with all of these holidays.

The girls know that money is tight, and are looking forward to handmade gifts from both of us. Gwennie wants one of these Dala horses. I don't yet know what I am making them, since last year I made them fairy dolls like these from Magic Cabin. I really need to get going on something.

Gratitude Monday

Today I am thankful for

• being born, 33 years ago.
• Facebook, and reading 20 plus "Happy Birthdays" posted on my wall.
  
• an evening out with my awesome cousin, and laughing so hard about balls. I bought a maternity sweater that has ties on it, and at the end of the ties are pom poms. This caused much laughter and joking about "my balls". It was crass but the laughter was needed.
  
• a growing belly. I am 23 weeks along today.
  
• putting out Christmas decorations, just because I can. I decided last year (or maybe the year before) that my birthday was a better indicator of when to put out the Christmas decorations, because it is exactly the same distance from Christmas every year (unlike Thanksgiving which changes). So yesterday I put up the tree, and got out all of the boxes. No, I didn't decorate the tree, we'll do that either tonight or tomorrow, but the tree is up and I feel the season coming on.

Larry's night out

Hairball and I swore we wouldn't name him Larry, but what the heck do you name a lobster? We thought maybe "Lucky" or "Leftover" would be good.

In our grand tradition (remember the year Xena got a tattoo?) Hairball and I brought a friend along to document our evening out. Well, actually we totally forgot this grand tradition until we were at JoAnn's and saw Larry in the clearance stuff. He was just so cute and we couldn't leave him there. He loved riding on Hairball's head.After JoAnn's we went to my favorite consignment store, because I could really use a new pair of maternity jeans. However they didn't have any that I loved. (I did find a pair of purple Dr. Martens that I hope will fit Rhayn, they are so cool. I really wish they would fit me.) Larry stayed put away while we shopped, he wasn't excited about baby clothes.

Even before Larry came along, we had planned dinner at Red Lobster.
Larry was not happy about this especially when he saw all of his relatives in the tank just waiting to be eaten. He looked over the menu and cried. Hairball and I ordered the "Ultimate Feast" (to share) and we had to place Larry on a plate. He was not amused. (Is it just me or does he bear a striking resemblance to my brother, Ender?)
After Red Lobster, Hairball needed to buy a gallon of paint. Larry helped her pick out a good color, then we looked at the Christmas decorations. Larry really liked this Christmas yard decoration. I don't think you can see it, but it has a huge lobster on it.

We also went to Target, and Game Works (where we laughed a lot) but we were both tired and didn't bring Larry out. I think he may have fallen asleep.

When I got home, I realized that once again, I took NO pictures of myself. So Larry and I stood in my bathroom and took a crappy mirror shot. Then we got into our pajamas and went to bed.

Five

Gwennie is five. She is going through yet another lovely stage. I tell her no and she will whine and mope about it. She will keep begging me to do whatever it was she originally asked about. Last night she kept asking for candy even though I told her no. Over and over she whined "I just want a piece of candy, harumph." She is defiant in a whole new (and fun) way. I am at my wit's end most days by the time we go to bed.

Sometimes she will be this lovely helpful child, and I adore spending time with her. Then in moments she will turn into terror girl. She throws temper tantrums like a two year old. I know part of it is her fear of the new baby. She loves the idea of being a big sister, but she also fears losing her place in our family. (I think.) She doesn't want to grow up most of the time.

I wish she was in preschool. I wish we had neighbors with children her age (or even friends that we saw regularly). She is bored. I hate bored kids. I am always trying to come up with new activities for her. (Just now, she was sitting on my side moaning, so I asked her to go and draw a picture of what she would like to give Rhayn for Christmas.)

Speaking of Christmas, I am starting to worry about it a little. Yesterday I saw a sign that said "41 Days Until Christmas". I knew it was sneaking up on me... but 41 days (40 now)? Really? Yikes. I have nothing... I want to start buying gifts, and I really need to get to the fabric store to purchase fabric for a couple gifts I am planning on making. I have no idea what to get the girls. They don't need ANYTHING. Sigh. I am already overwhelmed by it and its not even December. Last year I had excellent ideas, this year, nada. Anyone have good ideas? Inexpensive ideas?

Gratitude Monday

Good morning world. Lets hope this week is better than the last.
This week I am grateful for...

• a kicking, wiggling baby growing inside of me. At 22 weeks along, these kicks and jabs are getting more and more noticeable. I love it. No one else has felt them yet, but any day now they will. (Maybe even today.) He/she is around a pound at this point and I am gaining weight steadily at last.
  
• the knowledge that even though Rhayn is sick today, its just a cold and she will be well in a few days.
  
• being able to help out some friends while they need it. It makes me feel good to know that while they are there for me when I am in need, I can reciprocate that.
  
• Gwennie's beautiful paintings. She has been asking to paint lately and I love her watercolors of Christmas.
  
• getting a new trash and recycling bin. Why is this exciting? I have no idea, well maybe because the lid on the trash bin has completely severed from the body of it. It was hanging on by an inch last week.
  

Silent Sunday

Smoke Detectors

After nearly going crazy trying to get the smoke detectors to stop going off yesterday, Will fixed them.

He took each and every one down, and used our air compressor to blow out the dust. Much more effective than vacuuming them apparently. He said that there was only one that didn't have a large cloud of dust poof out of it. The rest were so full of nasty that it didn't take much to set them off. When he was done cleaning them, he put them all back up.

And, they haven't gone off since.

Jumble

I want to write, but am not sure what I want to write about. Sometimes when this happens I will look at pictures and find one that reminds me of a story I wanted to write about, or one that brings back some memory. I don't want to look at pictures, because on Halloween I took a lot of pictures of Penny. I am not quite ready to see her sweet face again. I mean I see it often when I close my eyes and I have to try to avoid thinking of her because it still hurts so much. I still feel like there was so much I could have done to avoid the bad situation of her final day with us. But its in the past and I need to move on.

Rhayn has been asking me to cut her hair, or to take her to get a hair cut for weeks. She wanted a pixie cut. I think she would be adorable with one, and we may go there soon. Instead I attempted a graduated bob. This is a hair style that she has sported often and is really cute on her. She wants her hair shorter and was disappointed in the cut. I don't blame her. I know what she wants, but I am fearful of cutting her hair that short myself. I used to shave my head often, then let it grow out into a pixie, but I have never cut a pixie (never did a graduated bob either, but it came out decently. I wanted to start with the longer cut so if it was totally messed up we could keep cutting and she would get to her pixie.)

Gwennie also needed a bang trim, but that is simple. I could use a trim/cut/style but I'm not about to do my own. I want to head over to a local beauty college this week and have them do it. I just need it cleaned up a bit which is simple and hopefully they won't give me mushroom head. (My hair doesn't usually do that, since it has a lot of wave in it.)

Yesterday morning I complained about Lily's whiny butt waking me up. She wanted to go outside and normally Will lets her out, but he didn't wake up so she came to me, ten minutes before my alarm was set to go off. Then this morning at 5 am, the smoke detector in my bedroom went off. Argh! It was so frustrating. I closed the window and vacuumed the smoke detector until it turned off. I went back to sleep, then it went off again, same routine (well the window was closed) and again right before 7. At 7 I took the smoke detector down and vacuumed it all.

About an hour ago the downstairs alarm went off. Sigh. I checked the battery but it is fine.

I hate the sound of smoke detectors. My good friend, P's neighbor's house has had a smoke detector going off for weeks. No one lives there, and so there is nothing that can be done to make them stop. Its loud enough you can hear it when you stand outside of her house. Not fun.

Veteran's Day

I did not take very many pictures on Veteran's Day. We once again attended the parade that the VA puts on. Only this time we were able to bring our Veteran, and he was on a committee that sponsors the parade. This allowed us breakfast and great seating at the parade. It was awesome to not be sitting on the ground this year.

After the parade Will had an interview with a local television station. We came along. The girls were a little bored during the interview, but the reporter then gave us a tour of the studio. The girls got to sit in the anchors' seat, and she showed us how the green screen works. The girls got to point to the days and temperatures, and pretend to be meteorologists. She showed us some other sets, too. It was really neat. We met one of the anchors and watched the beginning of a live show.When were were finally at home, we all felt exhausted. The parade was long and we were in the sun for the duration. We didn't have time to get lunch before the interview and it totally wore us all out, so we took the rest of the day off and rested.
Will set up our DVR to record the evening news, and we were able to watch him on TV. Gwennie, who hadn't really cared about the whole experience when we were there, was so excited about seeing her dad on the television. She squealed and jumped up, exclaiming "Its you Daddy!"

Sewing

I was skimming craft blogs this morning and came across this tutorial on Make It and Love It. I thought to myself, I have a sweater that I have been hanging onto waiting for just the right project.The pattern is only on one side. Its a little washed out looking in this picture but its a nice gray/red/black palate in 100% Extra-fine Merino wool. It had a few small holes and had been felted in the wash (purchased at a thrift store).

I have a purse from The Sak, similar to this one that I bought, on clearance at Dillard's, a couple of years ago. It is teal/navy and very soft (its a natural fiber). I really like it.

So using the tutorial from Make It and Love It and my Sak purse, I was able to come up with a pretty nicely sized purse. I added a red zipper, and an interior pocket with elastic at the top. Also the inside is black canvas. Hopefully the purse is sturdy and will last for a while.

Gwennie modeled it for me, but then wanted to take a picture of me with it. So of course, I had to stand so you can sort of see the bump. I know its small, but its growing! (Also I look awful today, I haven't even brushed my hair. Yikes.)

Gratitude Monday

I am thankful for friends.

On Friday when I needed support and help more than ever before, I was able to call some people and have support over here within an hour.

I am thankful for family.

On Saturday when I was emotionally and physically drained and exhausted, my family surrounded me with love.

I am thankful for Will.

He stayed calm and, although he was only on the phone, he talked me down when I was freaking out.

I am thankful for Rhayn.

She stepped up and took care of Gwennie when I needed them to be safe and away from our dogs.

I am thankful that this weekend is over.

Always, Missing her.

A lifetime ago, I saw my midwife.
A lifetime ago, life was ok, and I had a fun weekend to look forward to.
Then something happened, and our life was changed totally. Yes, all of the humans in my family are fine. No human was hurt physically. But emotionally we were all ripped to shreds. No, I will not go into details, lets just say, it was scary, and never before have I wished Will was home more.
I had to make a tough decision. I had to make a choice that killed me inside.
I had to pray. I had to find strength in me that I never knew that I had. I had to make calls and be someone I never thought I could be.

And in the end, Penny had to be surrendered. She could no longer be our dog.
And in the end, even though I know it was the right choice, I died inside a little.
And in the end, and forever more, her eyes will haunt me.

My 20 week midwife appointment was today. Everything looks great. This sweet little baby has "her" butt up to the right. If I lay down you can see the top of my uterus on the right. Its been that way for a while. This was the side that Gwennie's big head stuck up in. Baby's heart rate is around 140-150.

I, once again, have a migraine. I feel queasy... I am so tired of feeling like this, but there is nothing I can do to make it better. Tylenol sucks, it does a whole lotta nothing.

Sigh.

Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead)

Last night many people gathered at the school. We all brought a picture of a loved one who has passed on, as well as something they loved when they lived. We ate a potluck dinner, we talked, we laughed, we watched a dance. The kids ran wild and all had fun.

20 week bellies, a comparison

20 weeks, May 2005. (Gwennie is in there!)

20 weeks along, Nov 2010. Not sure who is in there yet.

ACUs and Airplanes

He dons the uniform and walks downstairs. It seems so normal, even though it has been many months since we've seen him decked out in ACUs. He looks good in uniform, better in his ACUs than the BDUs (though he looked nice in those, too.) But it makes me fearful. I know when his uniform is on, he is on, he is LT, and usually gone.

He stands in the living room, and tells me that it feels good to be in this uniform again. I know he has missed it. I am glad he loves it, even if it takes him away from us. The military has been good for our family, it gives me an appreciation for him that I don't know if I would have otherwise. It fulfills a part of him that needed to be taken care of. It gives up affordable health insurance, and a pride in our country and so much more.

His boots are on, and for a moment we sit together on the couch. Rhayn is at school, but Gwennie, Will and I sit there, just touching for now. Soon we will be dropping him off at the airport, soon he will be gone for a week. Its hardest on the girls, harder than it is on me, because I understand.

In the car, trying to keep tears in. Its only a week I remind myself. Only a week. Only a week. It repeats in my head, but I still feel the tears, just waiting.

At the airport, he kisses me, then hugs Gwennie. He grabs his bags and walks away. Sunglasses hide those tears, finally breaking free. I can stop them, but for the moment its all right to cry.

And in a week, we will pick him back up at the airport. Thankful, once again, for him to be home.

Fly away

A few hours ago (while I was writing my gratitude post) Gwennie and I heard a THUD against our living room window. It happened right behind the curtain, so we didn't see what had happened. Gwennie went outside, with Penny in tow. I heard her yelling at Penny, but I wanted to finish my post. Will came downstairs and we both went out to see what Gwennie was doing. She had a soaking wet sparrow in her hands.

She had rescued the bird from Penny's mouth. Apparently it had knocked itself out when it hit the window, it had also pooped on the window. Then it attracted Penny's attention. Gwennie was lovingly holding it and gently petting its breast. It was still breathing, but seemed stunned (of course, if I was that size and Penny tried to eat me, I would be in shock, too.) Will and I discussed what to do. I was sure it would die. I was already trying to figure out how best to talk to Gwennie about that, I wanted Will to take it from her and put it out of its misery. Will wanted to give it some time, find it a sunny spot to dry off in and let it be. He was sure it would die, but wanted to give it time.

Now normally I would NOT want to "put it out of its misery" but I was so worried about it suffering. Plus, I didn't want Gwennie to walk around holding it for hours either, gross bird germs, you know.

We let Gwennie hold it a bit longer, then I gently took the bird and examined it, checked its wings, and breast for blood. It seemed in relatively good health, I mean besides being slobbery. Will placed it in the garden, in a sunny location, and we all walked away. He told Gwennie it was likely going to die, but we needed to leave it alone.

Time passed, I was sewing, and we kept Penny away from the bird and the garden. Gwennie checked on it after an hour and informed me that it had buried itself a little in the dirt. Then a bit after that, she and I went out to see it, and it was gone. I checked around for signs of it, but it was nowhere to be found. (There were also no feathers to indicate a cat had gotten it.)

Gwennie happily ran upstairs to tell Will he was wrong, and it hadn't died. I was pretty happy, too.

I'm sad that I didn't take any pictures of her holding the bird. But I was so sure it was a goner, I didn't want the reminder of that. I have plenty of memories of dying birds from my own childhood, I am thankful that I don't have this one to add to that list.

Gratitude Monday/Half way

I am thankful for

• being 20 weeks pregnant. Baby is wiggly and kicking, a constant reminder that there is someone in there.
  
• FINALLY showing enough that other notice. Sure, I'm not huge yet, but there is a bump, and its filled with a baby who I am getting more and more excited (and terrified!) to meet in March. (I tried to take a picture, but honestly I didn't look as pregnant in it as I do really. I'll try again later.)
• a nice weekend's worth of activities. Saturday was the girls' last soccer game. Both games were at the same time, which makes it really hard. We split up, I sat at Gwennie's game and Will went to Rhayn's. Gwennie tried and chased the ball. She has improved markedly since the beginning of the season. Rhayn's team won. Both girls received a trophy. Its a nice one too, with their name and season they played soccer. Then there was pizza and sodas for all. After that we came home and worked around the house a bit. The evening was finished off by a trip to Rhayn's school for the Halloween carnival.
  
• On Halloween we went trick-or-treating with friends in a nearby neighborhood. The girls got a fair amount of candy and had great time. (Which is of course all that matters, right?)