I don't know if I have it in me to write how I really feel right now. But I also know that I need to more than anything or I will hold it in and feel even worse.
Today was hard. The hardest day since Will left. No, it was harder than that day.
Let me start by saying that I love my family- I really do. I respect each and every one of them and their choices. I try to understand and accept them for who they are. That being said I was hurt by one of them today and I don't think even he knows how much.
You see, he and I? We are totally different. We have never really gotten along, well not since he was in his teens and went through a "skater" phase. He is a good person, just he doesn't think about things he says. And also? He doesn't have kids. Nor does he think about what sort of things are appropriate to discuss in front of an absorbent seven year old.
What sort of things do I feel are inappropriate to talk about in front of a child? Suicide. Some guy offing himself with a gun to the head, complete with hand motions to how it looked on the video. Another thing? Pictures of the fox you shot with your Christmas present. Also, constant discussion of killing mountains lions, coyotes, and other things. I know that death is part of life, but when your Daddy is in a war zone, death is not something you need to hear about, nor see.
Maybe its just me, being extremely sensitive about it. Maybe it was that I am alone on Christmas and worried about my husband, who is in a war zone. Maybe it was just one too many killing stories but I snapped.
I tried to say in nicely, "Hey you should really think about what stories you tell in front of the kids."
His response, "They have to grow up someday."
"Well, she is only seven."
"You have to remember where her dad is, she knows he is in a war with guns."
I walked out of the room at that point to cry. Because I could no longer keep the pieces together. My carefully veneer of strength cracked. I walked around like a zombie for hours, trying to talk and play along but really feeling totally drained, exhausted, hurt.
Yes, I know it was Will's choice to join the military even though we knew he would deploy at some point. That doesn't make it appropriate to say those kind of things in front of my children.
I keep my mouth shut around him usually. I ignore his comments and pretend not to hear some of it. But I think that on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, talk of shooting, killing, death and the like should be kept away from me and my children.
The entire day was tense for me. I feel so tightly wound, that I could snap. Instead I will take a couple of benedryl and hope that sleep with relieve even a little bit of this hurt.