I don't know if I have it in me to write how I really feel right now. But I also know that I need to more than anything or I will hold it in and feel even worse.

Today was hard. The hardest day since Will left. No, it was harder than that day.

Let me start by saying that I love my family- I really do. I respect each and every one of them and their choices. I try to understand and accept them for who they are. That being said I was hurt by one of them today and I don't think even he knows how much.

You see, he and I? We are totally different. We have never really gotten along, well not since he was in his teens and went through a "skater" phase. He is a good person, just he doesn't think about things he says. And also? He doesn't have kids. Nor does he think about what sort of things are appropriate to discuss in front of an absorbent seven year old.

What sort of things do I feel are inappropriate to talk about in front of a child? Suicide. Some guy offing himself with a gun to the head, complete with hand motions to how it looked on the video. Another thing? Pictures of the fox you shot with your Christmas present. Also, constant discussion of killing mountains lions, coyotes, and other things. I know that death is part of life, but when your Daddy is in a war zone, death is not something you need to hear about, nor see.

Maybe its just me, being extremely sensitive about it. Maybe it was that I am alone on Christmas and worried about my husband, who is in a war zone. Maybe it was just one too many killing stories but I snapped.
I tried to say in nicely, "Hey you should really think about what stories you tell in front of the kids."
His response, "They have to grow up someday."
"Well, she is only seven."
"You have to remember where her dad is, she knows he is in a war with guns."
"His choice."
I walked out of the room at that point to cry. Because I could no longer keep the pieces together. My carefully veneer of strength cracked. I walked around like a zombie for hours, trying to talk and play along but really feeling totally drained, exhausted, hurt.

Yes, I know it was Will's choice to join the military even though we knew he would deploy at some point. That doesn't make it appropriate to say those kind of things in front of my children.

I keep my mouth shut around him usually. I ignore his comments and pretend not to hear some of it. But I think that on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, talk of shooting, killing, death and the like should be kept away from me and my children.

The entire day was tense for me. I feel so tightly wound, that I could snap. Instead I will take a couple of benedryl and hope that sleep with relieve even a little bit of this hurt.


cristina said...

it doesnt sound like you were being sensitive - it sounds like someonewas being insensitive to the 100th degree. i hope today is better.

Lisa G. said...

Hey there, I posted a message to you on Facebook, and then saw this. I'm so sorry this happened, I would be angry about that kind of talk in front of my children, and they don't even have the daddy-in-the-military connection that yours do. I once had to tell an otherwise-very-dear-to-me family member that if he didn't straighten up his talk around my children, I would just not be able to be around him with them. It's your (and Will's) choice when they need to "grow up" enough to hear those things, not someone else's. And it was Will's choice to join the military, not your kids'. I'm sorry, I'm just so angry *for* you! Hugs to you and good for you for taking such good care of your girls!

bodaat said...

I agree with your pals Leaner. You're not being too sensitive. Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like this guy has a tendency to be a jerk. I guess like Lisa, I'm angry for you too. I hope you were able to unwind a bit today.

Everyday Mom Designs said...

I am so sorry. I don't know you well, but I am so mad for you. That man was very insensitive, and I hate it that you had to be around it on Christmas. Your husband is deployed... no one should be talking to you like that. I am very sorry. My heart always goes out to military wives. My husband is now a veteran, and I know how it feels...

desertwildflower said...

I'm sorry to hear that he was so inconsiderate of your feelings. Some topics are never appropriate for children and may not even be appropriate for adults. Hope that things are happier today. I have visited your blog several times in the past, though not as much this year because of my health issues. Your mom gave me a list of family blogs about two and a half years ago. After my cancer issues, I'm realizing how important family is. I'm sorry that I never posted before, but I hope to make more of an effort next year. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I hope 2009 is a happy year for all of us.

leaner said...

Thanks desertwildflower. Was wondering how you are. I tried to send you a Christmas card but it was returned (I had a couple returned due to wrong addresses.)

Amie said...

that would be hard to take...

Amy said...

I agree with you that talk of death, suicide, hunting and the like is totally inappropriate around children (and some adults, including me!)and on Christmas - a day to celebrate birth, joy, love, happiness, family, etc.

And that comment about Will's brave and honorable service to our country was ghastly! Of course, I don't have to tell you that he is there courageously protecting our country, our freedom, and our children.....not to mention the individual who made that silly comment (!!!)...and he deserves ALL our gratitude, respect and admiration.

I wish you (and your dear children) didn't have to hear such things on such a special day. I hope those bitter words have faded some and don't sting so much anymore.

Happy New Year. Will comes home in 2009, right?

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