bring a picnic!

Another morning and not sure what to do with my day yet.

Will has asked me to look for a paper in a large box of papers jammed together since the move to his new office. I am not looking forward to it, I know its going to be a frustrating journey and I should put the other papers away in our filing cabinets.

We have started so many projects and they are all still looming overhead as we try to make time to finish them. It is difficult to get through a weekly list of tasks, an idea of accomplishments that I really want to cross off. Yet today I really just want to go back to bed.

Last night was another of those slightly sleepless nights. Will said “You should work out more.” He used to be an insomniac until he started working out. Now he sleeps like the dead. This is a great idea, but when am I to fit that work out in? I can’t really do it while nursing (which is how I get on here so much.) I can’t make dinner and work out at the same time, can I? So how? How do people fit a ½ hour workout into their daily lives?

There is a breastfeeding legislation picnic at the capital today; I really want to go, to support the nursing family because We are a nursing family. It’s at 11, which gives me about 1 ½ hours to get ready. I think that it will give me a good reason to be out of the house and maybe afterwards I can call hairball and see her.

Now, personally I have never had any issues with nursing in public. No one has ever said “hey you can’t do that here,” or “cover-up” and I am not so discreet about what I am doing. She is wiggly and wants to pop off to check out the world (this is only a recent development.) She won’t have a blanket over her head, and I refuse to put on there. The only comments about it that I have gotten were complimentary or "I know how you feel."

Curry and Steak!

What a weekend.
That pretty much sums it up.

Saturday, I woke up, totally stir crazy. I needed to get out of the house SO badly! Will said “go to the mall.” So I packed up the babe and we were off. Rhayn stayed home with daddy because she was still sick (and most of the reason I wanted to get out of the house, I needed a break from her whining.)

I decided I was going to do it, get a hair cut, a different style. I had something in mind, and went in to one of my favorite hairdressers, Susan. She said “Oh it’s the lady with the curly hair.” As she tried to comb through the snarls and curls that look rather like a spiral perm I had once in the 80s. I had her cut layers, so that I could keep the length that I have grown accustomed to, while getting some respite from the pain of brushing through all of the curls. My top layer hits my about chin length and the bottom is still a good 4 inches below my shoulder (if straight.) I also got some bangs cut, which are a little shorter than I wanted, but its ok. Will said its looks good, because I am taking advantage of my curls, and I would totally have been a hit in the 80s! Rhayn told me its pretty and I look like “Lory” (she means Rory from Gilmore Girls, and I must admit her hairstyle this season was the inspiration for mine, and I love that Rhayn made the correlation! I was really impressed!)

After my hair cut Bug and I wandered around some stores, and I bought some clothes for her and Rhayn (matching, because pretty soon Rhayn will be out of 5T and they won’t be able to match as easily. Rhayn loves matching with her sister.) I went into Kohl’s to look at clearance sweaters for Will, and was standing by this Indian couple, and they smelled like freshly prepared curry. Mmmmm. I called Will and asked him what we should do about dinner. He mentioned curry and I headed to get some tasty Chicken Tikka Masala Curry, and Vegetable Koorma Curry. Yum! I also picked up some nasty chicken nuggets for Rhayn, because after her puke-fest of curry, she hasn’t been to up for eating it. I know that it could have been healthier, but it was a special treat, and nasty gross treat.

Sunday, we just hung out around the house. Dinner was awesome, it was steakhouse night! Will grilled a rib eye and fried some steak fries. I made some French onion soup, complete with French bread and cheese melted on the top. It was so tasty.

After I put Rhayn to bed, she kept waking up, so she ended up sleeping on our bedroom floor. It wasn’t normal waking up either. She was crying and inconsolable, she was also pouting and making her angry face in her half-awake state! She woke up a few times, and made me unable to get a good night sleep. The lack of sleep was compounded by a pain, in my back. It is like a searing burn, or was last night. Today its more of a dull ache. I have no idea what it is, except that it hurts.

I can tell already that today is not going to be a great day. I am grumpy! Totally grumpy and a little bit depressed.

4 Months Old

Dearest Bug,

You have turned four months old. Four months have passed since that day that you entered our lives. So much has changed without us even realizing it, and so seamlessly you have made us become a family of 4.

Just the other day you discovered your feet, or what joy it is, to have feet. Your hands caress them, even though you can’t quite get them into your mouth, you try.

You also vocalize every thought and feeling. Your high pitched squeals of delight shatter glass (or at least our ear drums!) You will talk through entire TV programs, because you want everyone’s attention, how dare we watch TV, you are right there, being cute. I think you are singing, your babble sounds musical to me, and so happy.

You are such a different baby than your sister. I am still in awe over how calm you are most of the time. Yet, you want what you want- NOW.

There is this little pouty face you make right before you cry. It is so adorable that sometimes, I want to make you cry- just a little. But I never do, I really don’t even know how. (Well, I could try to tickle you! The poke poke tickle that drives your big sister into fits of laughter, only makes you upset. We only have to point a finger at Rhayn and she starts to giggle, you look at us dumbfounded. You totally get that from me, I hate being tickled- it DOES NOT TICKLE.)

I gave you a taste of butternut squash, just a tiny speck on your tongue, and you looked at me in awe. Lately you have been eyeballing food, whether I am preparing it, or eating it. You are interested, but I am not going to start feeding you any time soon. Six months, then you get to eat foods.

We went out yesterday, just you and me. I got a haircut, and you got lots of “she is so cute.” And you are, you really are just too too cute!

My Bug, My big fat baby girl. You are exactly (minus the eye color) what I wanted!

I love you.
Always,
The Milk Machine

(I really like dooce's monthly newsletters to her daughter, and so I am going to write mine in her style.)

Is your Mohawk too big

Is your Mohawk too big?


Just a few days ago, while driving around I saw a man being driven around in a MINIVAN, by an older woman. The man had his head sideways, to fit into the minivan, because his totally spiked up Mohawk was too big! Now, I was thinking, if your Mohawk is too big to sit comfortably in a vehicle, then, why not trim it a little? I mean, I know you are the height of punk rock fashion, and that getting a trim, is probably against your super anti-establishment values, but really? Is it worth hurting your neck?

Now, I want to reiterate that this was NOT a teenager, and I know that in Denver among other places, the Mohawk is still a cool hairstyle way into your 40s (because while living there, I went to see GBH, and I totally saw a few 40 year old with Mohawks bigger than would easily fit in a vehicle. These older people drove with their heads hanging out of their beat up old Eagles. They were not being driven around by their mamas in a minivan.) This however, is NOT Denver, and I can’t remember the last time I saw a Mohawk that wasn’t on a 14 year old boy at a mall.


Now, today as I drove home, my car filled with the lovely smell of curry (that I picked up for dinner.) I passed a beat up old car, and it happened to be filled with clowns. Clowns in full make-up and rainbow wigs! What? I was giggling away and almost slammed into the Papa John’s delivery guy (because he decided that a right turn only lane doesn’t mean anything in the ghetto.)

I can’t wait to see what other interesting creatures I can see- in cars!

The Great Smokeout!

I had great plans for dinner tonight, I was making sushi. I had everything ready to be prepared. The rice soaked for 30 minutes as it says to do, then I placed it on the stove and was cooking it. It cooks for 20 minutes then you remove it from the heat and let it sit for another 10 before you take the lid off. 10 minutes into the cooking time, I am resting on the couch, and suddenly the smoke alarm goes off.
I had forgotten to lower the heat (to low) it was still on high. I CHARRED, beyond recognition, the bottom of the rice. As smoke plumes filled the house, I rushed to remove it from the burner, and try to dissipate the smoke.

Ugh, so much for the idea, it was the last of our sushi rice. I feel like an IDIOT. (or and I.D. 10. T.)

I had also just gotten done telling Rhayn about Cur, and she was a little distraught. It has not been a good afternoon at our house.

what is wrong with me?

I swear I don't get "into" TV shows. But all I can think about these days is 2 things.

Gilmore Girls (Why?! Ah- Honestly the appeal here is the relationship between mother and daughter, their witty repertoire and all the coffee!) I record this show off of ABC Family every afternoon, then watch the episode twice before the next one is recorded. Why? I just don't know.

Babylon 5. (Damn the Man! Its all Will's fault on this one, and we are getting them from Netflix but he decided to bump them lower on the list because RedDwarf season 7? come out on DVD recently so for a week I haven't gotten my B5 fix!)

It used to be That 70s Show. Which Rhayn calls "Hangin' Out" (said in a sing-song voice to match the theme song.) I would record and watch that every day.

I also can't seem to fall asleep with out watching Star Trek the Next Generation. Something about Captain Jean Luc Picard... its that sexy bald man thing! Ok, so now that I have cleared my tv viewing closet... what are some of your favorite tv shows (present or past Only 2 of those above mentioned are being made now, and I only seem to watch them in syndication! )


Look at all of those LINKS! Man, you must think I need a LIFE, huh? After a few of them, I started getting links, just to see if I could google them!

Friday, Hip Hip Hooray!

Good Morning World! I am feeling pretty great today! Other than it feels like someone sat on my chest, but I did get a better night's sleep!

Will and I have been having a hard time waking up, like a hit the snooze button 5 or more times, hard time getting up. Will has been trying to find a solution, and finally I think we have it!

He installed a light that shines DIRECTLY in his face, and is on a timer. It turns on at 7 am, and stays on for 10-15 minutes. His thinking was the reason we are having a hard time getting up, is that it is still fairly dark at 7, thus your body's natural clock isn't working. The light was installed yesterday, and this morning we all woke up easily at a little after 7. It however does not work IF you do not get up during that time, because I was wide awake while it was glaring at me, and as soon as it went out, I was ready to go back to sleep.

I have already achieved a few goals this morning. My class is ready to go, I registered, and ordered my book, Yea! I am taking Introductory Biology for Allied Health. It satisfies my Natural Science requirement (the only one I know for sure that I HAVE to take), as well as goes along with the idea that someday I might want to go into nursing. So, that is great. I am only 3 classes away from my AGS, I think. That means I could totally finish my Associates Degree this semester, if I just bust a little bit of ass here!

Rhayn was not up all night coughing, and Bug didn't keep me awake with weird breathing sounds, so maybe this cold is on its way out of our house. Rhayn's cough is still there, it just doesn't sound like a whooping cough- more of a hacking cough. Her fever finally broke last night. I am glad, because I was starting to get worried, it had been 3 days of 101 or more fever for her little body. I hope she starts feeling a lot better today.

I really want to get out of the house today, but I think its best if I keep my girls home one more day. Maybe when Will gets home, I could go out. Last Friday spoiled me, with going out with my friend. I need that more often!

I also decided to try the AdSense feature on this Blog. Will was asking me if he could put ads on my blog, and I told him about it. He said since it is through Google, its reputable, and therefore ok. I figure its not going to hurt anyone, and hey if I make a few dollars because of it- yeah for me. I don't think I could ever get to the point of dooce-age and be able to suport myself and Will from a my blog, but that would be so awesome, wouldn't it? (I always click on her links, oh yeah!)

Frustrating.

Just because EVERYONE should have hair like this at some point! Man, I wish I could remember how much hair spray was used! This was my 8th grade promotion, our colors were teal and fuscia. Lovely, huh? I'll bet you are all jealous of my super duper cool dress (*that my mom made!) and oh so cool hairdo! Man, I was the coolest (I had to post this to show that I could have big hair, too!)

I remember that night pretty clearly, I had a headache so bad (migraine? First of many) that I felt like I was going to puke, and I had to walk with my class to get a piece of paper that said I had made it through 8th grade, and was ready to move onto HIGH SCHOOL. Whew, that was tough.

In my search for higher learning I have to talk to an advisor. I went in to give her my transcript, and she said "I will look it over and get back to you in a week."
Two weeks have gone by, and I finally emailed her.

I was in your office a few weeks ago, and gave you my transcript. I am trying to find out what classes I need to take in order to achieve my Associate of General Studies. I believe you said it should take a week, and I am just checking in on progress.

Her reply?

I am in the process of evaluating several students'’ transcripts; the month of January, we are not allowed to take four hours once a week a prep time to evaluate transcripts; we have to evaluate them between incoming advisement phone calls and walk-in; at this time, I do have six students in front of you. As soon as I complete your evaluation, I will email them to you. At this time, I want to thank you for your understanding and patience.



If you have any other questions feel free to contact me.



This is irritating (and holy run on sentences, Batman!) I need to find out what classes I NEED to take to fulfill requirements. I am at that point, where there are only a few classes left for me to take.

I am not sure if I have take an oral communications class, pretty sure I haven't, but I don't want to take a it again if I have. I know I need another Natural Science class, so I am thinking of taking Introductory Biology for Allied Health. There aren't a lot of choices in classes that start soon, and I know myself; I feel driven to do this NOW, I need to do this NOW. If I wait, procrastinate if you will, I will put it off even longer.

I am grumpy today, it is probably from the lack of sleep the past few nights. I have not gotten enough sleep due to some baby kicking me and wanting to eat, and she is also stuffy so I keep waking to make sure she is ok. Then there was Coughy McHacksalot. Rhayn has reached the coughing portion of this cold and it is keeping her and me away! Her fever is still hovering around 101 but it is lower than yesterday. I don't want to medicate her too much, is that bad? She doesn't seem to be in pain, and when she has said she has a headache I have given her something quickly. I just know that fever=body fighting illness. I am watching the fever closely, and if it gets close to 103 again, well I will give her medicine then.

Pictures

Rhayn just doesn't fit anymore!

Big smiles!

Lounging about on a sick day.

Never ending!

I swear that this cold has lasted years. Ok, I know its only been a few weeks, but its still awful. Rhayn had avoided it for the most part but yesterday, after called dacheese and saying "You are coming to visit me tomorrow." I noticed Rhayn was a little lethargic. So I was rubbing her head, and noticed that she was also warm. Great.

Temperature at 102.5. Joy. She is sick. Then she laid on the couch and TOOK A NAP. If any of you know Rhayn, you know this means she is really REALLY sick. She never naps, she stopped taking those by the time she was 2! So I know that meant I needed to watch her.

When daddy got home, she woke up and told him her head ached. So we gave her some tylenol, and within an hour she seemed to be feeling better, and ate some broccoli for dinner (and some chicken w/ lemon shallot sauce that I made.) She told me the chicken was yummy, Will didn't eat it, he opted for lasagne left over from a few days ago. I can't eat it because its giving Bug an upset stomach. (She is allergic to large amounts of marinara.)

I went upstairs to take a bath, and when I came down, Bug was crying. This is perfectly normal. Will, having no breasts can't always satisfy her. But he always ALWAYS neglects to check her diaper and see if she is dirty. Which she was, she didn't want milk, she wanted a clean butt!

Even with the nap, Rhayn still went to bed at her normal time. She woke around 12 and climbed into bed on daddy's side where she stayed until he got up and put her on the floor on my side.

unfortunately I slept like total crap, being stuffed up and also having a stuffy Bug next to me. It was a long night, and I feel like I could have used a few more hours of sleep. Oh well. I guess I should go take a shower. I never got around to that yesterday and I feel rather disgusting.

For tif-do!

Because you asked for a picture of us in the mud, and because I found it while looking for pictures of me as a teenager! Here it is! tif-do and leaner in the MUD!

It Makes My Butt Dance!

Music is the start of everything. The start of rebellion, love, friendship, everything. Music has brought me much joy over the years and much pain.

As a teenager, I was trying to find my way in music. I was introduced to the Cure, Nirvana, Depeche Mode, the Ramones, and many others. I still listened to the Chipmunks (haha, yes, I did.) and was totally in love with the soundtrack from the Phantom of the Opera (someday I want to see that!) But I didn't know what music I liked best.

Then I met punk rock.

Punk Rock made me feel very happy, it made me feel like I was part of something. There was so much diversity in punk that I knew I must fit in there. I wasn't just some silly chick from Poop-town. I thought I was a punk. I was not however as cool as some punk rock kids were, and I defiantly didn't have the cool hair! (But I do have some uber-cool cousins!)

But, did I really fit in? I, unlike most of my so-called punk friends, wanted more out of life. I wanted a family, I wanted to be sober, I wanted to be happy. They all seemed to want to do drugs, drink (as in all day all night!) play in their bands and complain about "commercial rock" but get mad because they were way better than all the crap on the radio, and screw anything that walked by.

As time has gone by, I have realized that I am very much like my music collection. I am a mish mash of genres. I am not one thing or another. I am not punk and I am certainly not country. I am a little of this and a little of that, all mixed together.

Music is still important to me, Rhayn will often tell me that she likes a certain song, her favorite song of the moment is Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I think she has pretty good taste, because I like that song, too.

Just the other day, though we were listening to classic rock while driving in the car, and Iron Man came on- she told me that it rocked and when a song rocks you have to do this, which was followed by some pretty impressive head banging, for a 4 year old strapped in a car seat. I flipped stations and a dance-y song came on, "Mom, this song makes my butt dance!" Yes, Rhayn that song makes my butt dance, too!

Non-Stop Drip Drop!

We have been battling colds here for weeks. It started Christmas eve, with Will having a little of a cold, actually he spent most of the day on the couch, resting. It has continued. The tissue used is reaching insurmountable proportions.

I wrote about Bug's cold, and she seems a little sick again. She once again is fussier than normal and seems to be unhappy. She is just having a bad week. Yesterday, she kicked her little self right off the couch and onto the floor, head first. Geesh- I am a BAD mama! It took quite a lot of loving to get her all calm again, and she even had a little moment of panic before bed, when she wouldn't stop crying (We worried about concussions!) Those teeth need to come out, so maybe the drooling and chewing will stop!

Will is taking another sick day, I think these colds are really getting to him. First it was that one for Christmas (thank you to his boss!) and I am not sure it ever went away fully, before the onslaught on cold #2. (The one Bug had.) That cold brought bronchitis and a sinus infection for him. Not 1 week after feeling better, he is out on the couch again, feeling like a big pile of snot.

Luckily, I have yet to really get it, I mean I feel a little under the weather, but I can function. A few nose blowings and I am fine. So, what is different between him and me? Why does he keep getting sick, while I am only a little under the weather? Is he playing up these colds, for sympathy? Is it because he is really that much more sick than I am? Who knows, but I hope for all of our sake that he can get better soon. Poor guy, he is so miserable.

Just now, Rhayn came up to me. "Mom, I put the pee-pee diaper in the trash, and I got out a new one." Huh? What? In my computer stupor I had no idea what she was talking about. So I followed her. Bug had been napping on my bed with Rhayn watching Jungle Emperor Leo and my computer is in the room right next to them. I had heard the squeals of delight symbolizing that Bug is awake and happy, so was trying to finish this up in a hurry. Rhayn was changing Bug's diaper. She has removed her wet one, and was trying to get the new one on. So cute. I am really blessed with that Rhayn-girl, and her wanting to help. She still has boughts of jealousy, but mostly she is just happy to be the big sister.

Growing Up... so fast

Today I looked at her, and realized that she is so very grown up. Her big girl arms and legs stretch long and lean. She is no longer a baby and will soon reach the ranks of school age. How strange, it seems only yesterday I was at the hospital having her, opening up to meet my child. It seems only yesterday that she learned to walk, talk and use the potty. How is it possible that nearly 5 years have gone by since I welcomed her into my life?

Rhayn is a big girl, in every sense of the words; she learned recently how to use our microwave, to make herself oatmeal for breakfast "Big girls make the oatmeal for their own."” She asks questions, running through questions I can answer into ones that I have no idea about. She has ideas on how life should be, and ideas for where we should go. She is her own person, with such a great personality.

Then there is Bug, she is just getting a personality. She is starting to laugh at things and letting me know when she is unhappy. She talks constantly and it is getting louder, loud enough to drown out the telly, and let me know that she is the most important thing and needs my full attention. Her hands are becoming her own, she is getting control and it allows her to almost reach what ever she wants. Her hands are also the best thing because she can chew them, shoving them fully into her mouth as she chomps rigorously. Her hair, it may seem to be lacking, but there is quite a bit, and it is growing in and feels thick. She is going to be 4 months old soon, and that is distressing to me. I want to hold on to this tiny Bug, to hold her at this point, and yet at the same time I can't wait for her to get older, say "mama" and be a big girl”, too.

It is so neat to be allowed the privilege of being someone's mom, the privilege of being the first to get to know this special soul, the privilege of feeding and loving them. How awesome a place in life, MOM is. I never thought it would be so great, I never imagined that I would love it as much as I do. I can't remember now, what life was like before this, I can‚’t imagine that I felt fulfilled or even happy.

I have moments that I feel entirely happy, complete. I don't feel like I am wandering or alone, or anything. These are moment when I look into those gorgeous eyes, the ones that trust me absolutely. These instants take my breath away because I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose these sweet faces.

When I was younger, I thought I was content. There were countless times I thought that I was truly happy, moments that were fleeting, fun times with friends. Now I wake up every morning, knowing that I have these two lovely souls to spend the day with. I think that makes me happier than any of those other times ever did.

A New Art 2

Its Friday, right? I mean I finally made it to Friday, and tomorrow I don't have to rouse myself and a sleeping man-child from bed to sip coffee in the near dark while watching CNN Headline news. It means we can wake up when we wake up. We can sip coffee and watch CNN Headline news a little later. We don't have to part ways for the day, we can sit and talk and snuggle on the couch, if we so desire.

Weekends are nice, aren't they? We have projects to finish, and I really should be cleaning my house, so that I don't have to this weekend, and so that I can totally be there to help Will tomorrow paint the patio cover. We. Are. Finally. Almost. Done! FINALLY! It has been an ongoing project for so long, we finally purchased the paint, to match our house, purchased the sconces to shed light on our backyard. We still need to purchase ceiling fans to keep it from baking us in the summer. But the end is so close we can almost see it.

Yesterday, after having to throw my baby in a sink because she was covered in curry colored poop, I looked at all of her ruined onesies. They all have a large poop stain across the back, rather like Will's nasty deodorant armpit stains on his undershirts. So what to do about them? WIll's shirts I have found no solution. I have been told to rub aspirin on them once a month (right, because I have that much time!) So I looked at her onesies. I thought, "Hm, its curry colored, lets dye them curry!" So I took part of them and put them in a pot with boiling tea, part in a pot with boiling turmeric powder, and part in cayenne/paprika. I come up with really neat looking stuff. The turmeric powder gave a beautiful yellow. I love it, I almost want to start dying my own clothes with it, because I love the way the color has a slightly batiked or tie-dyed look. I have always tea dyed shirts. When I stain a white t-shirt, it gets tea/coffee dyed.

A New Art

Bug has decided that she CAN roll over. Its only happened a few times, but everytime she seems to get better at it. I am so impressed with her, and glad that she is almost 4 months and JUST BARELY started this neat new trick. Its also only tummy to back, so Madder is still ahead in this one. Its neat how different these two little sweet peas are!

We went shopping yesterday and I totally found a pair of shoes that I am obsessing about. I didn't buy them, but they were comfy and well, I have a shoe problem. I am always shoe shopping and I buy them occasionally, but seldom do I wear them, I have my chucks that I constantly wear and un ugly pair of slip on shoes. I think I am going to go back, and see if they still have them in my size. I need a pair of comfy sneakers and these are totally a pair I like (in fact I looked at them a while ago and almost bought them full price!)

I am still waiting to hear which of my previous college courses are going to apply towards my associates degree. And I spent the morning trying to figure out which school Rhayn will go to in the fall. I emailed a Montessori school and a Waldorf school to find out about prices if any, registration/enrollment, and if they have waiting lists. I also called our local public school, and am going to take a tour of that one next Wednesday. I am worried about her starting school at our public school, I have no problem with speaking Spanish and in fact think its important to learn it especially here, but when the teachers spend 80% of the school day trying to explain things to the non-English speaking students and don't have time to devote to teaching what actually needs to be taught, we have a problem. I also think that the student to teacher ratio is a bit much in those schools. I like the smaller class sizes of the Waldorf school, in fact I LOVE everything about that school, and I plan on getting her in there somehow, eventually. I know that school is a charter program and is tuition free from 1st to 8th grade and I really want her to go there! (Did I mention that I love that school and its ideals and everything about it!?)

Ok, well I suppose while Bug is sleeping I should hop in the shower and grab some lunch, I need to go to the grocery store later this afternoon, I bought bread with sunflower seeds in it, and that would kill Will (he is deathly allergic to them!)

Back in the Good Ole Days

I am trying to archive old pictures. I took an album of polaroids and am slowly scanning them. It is so important to have these pictures.

Hundreds of pictures of me, me playing, me laughing, me being a kid. Me with short hair, long hair, holding cats, sitting by dogs.

There are pictures of cousins that live far away, pictures of Grandpa, pictures of friends. My mom's bad hairstyles and good ones, halloween costumes that were great, and some that were not so great.

There is one picture that shows a slide, a big metal slide that looks as if it would fall over if you breathed on it wrong, how did we survive our childhood? As adults we fear for the safety of our children, we look at things and deem them unworthy of our child, but we played in the streets as babes, we rode bikes around towns that felt safe, we played in dirt lots and came home covered in mud. There was fun to be had, and we were determined to find it!

These pictures invoke a spirit long lost, one of carefree feelings and early loves.

Nursing, and other Joys of life!

I read somewhere that you should take a picture of your baby nursing, from your point of view. Someday you won't remember those little fingers curled that way, or the way she rubbed her head. So take a picture from your view, or think fondly back on that view.

Today I found out a good friend of mine is pregnant "The pill doesn't always work does it?" she typed. I have a pill baby, too. So, no it doesn't (especially when you take antibiotics and stuff like that!) She is excited I know, so am I. Its not a bad thing either, because she is married and has other children. I told her "Yeah, we get to make milk together!" What fun. It just brought back those feelings from a year ago. The joy of seeing that second line, the tenseness when it came back negative at the doctor's office. The fear when I spotted the next weekend. I was so afraid, so sad because I thought I was losing another baby. But here it is, and there she is. A big fat baby, a chunka love, the thing that gives me so much pleasure in life.

The past week Bug has become an eating machine, with marathon nursing all night long. Since we co-sleep its not a big deal, she and I never fully wake up. But it has taken a little toll on my sleep. I feel tired during the day, but I wouldn't give it up for anything. Besides, it would be worse if I were feeding her formula, because I would have to get up and make a bottle. I don't remember how it was with Rhayn, but I know I got a lot less sleep (well not really, because I slept in everyday. I never got up before 10 am, and now I have a hard time sleeping past 8!)

Schedules

Throughout Rhayn's infancy there was never a sleeping schedule. She didn't seem to need one. I think its only be in the past year that we have gotten her into a go to bed at certain time and up about the same time everyday. Her schedule is not really set in stone either.

Bug, she was born with a sleeping schedule. She gets grumpy when it gets messed up. Hopefully it remains this way, with her fitting into a sleep schedule.

I know that in the morning, I will wake up, pick Bug up and change her diaper. Then we will talk and play for a few hours. She will take a nap around 10 am, and if I am lucky sleep for an hour or more. She wakes up and plays until mid-afternoon (sometime around 1-3) and then its back to sleep. Bedtime is usually around 9:30. Its awesome. These are not exact times, she sometimes stays up until 10, and other days takes her naps later. She also has a few cat naps during the day, while I hold her.

I need a schedule, a time I go to bed and a time that I wake up. I feel more alert when I get a regular amount of sleep. I love starting my day early and feel more ready for the day and even get more done when I get up at 7 versus 8. Its strange. I know that I am that type of person, even though I never was before. I am so not the squiggly line I once was. My true color personality has changed immensely since having children. I can't remember what I am, but I know its changed, because my mom has given me that test a few times, once before kids and once after Rhayn.

I think that lately I have been totally obsessing with myself, who I am, and what I want out of life. I haven't drawn up the "me" chart yet. The one where you draw a circle and write "ME" in the middle then write all of the things in your life that are important and things you want to accomplish all around "ME" and then draw lines to the most important ones, and try to figure out which are the most appropriate goals for today. Never drawn one? Hm? I have for as long as I can remember. They fill my journal from high school, nearly every big decision in my life was made using one. It is my thoughts, a brain storm. I think I learned it when I was in the gifted program during 2nd through 8th grade.

So what am I trying to say here? I don't know and that scheduled nap is over, so I must get back to being a mom. I love that, I love being the mom to these sweet children.

1 year ago

One year ago, I found out about you. One year ago, you were a hope and dream that came true.

I woke up on 13, January 2005 just like every other day, and I spent the morning trying hard not to think of the possibility. Was I pregnant? It kept running through my mind. I knew there was a test in my bathroom, but it was still 4 days until my period was actually due. I made myself wait, I waited, but around 10 am, I could not stand it anymore. I tested and found out that I was in fact pregnant.

I wrote this a few days later but never posted it.

Its been a short ride. We had only really been trying for a few months. I spotted on the weekend before my period was due, but since my cycles have been so out of whack, I took a pregnancy test a few days later. The first one was barely positive, but I wasn’t sure if I had let it sit too long. I bought an early test and set a timer. There was a faint line at 2 ½ minutes.

I called the doctor and set up an appointment for later that day. I, of course being obsessed with seeing that second line, used another test at Target later that day (right before the doctor visit.) It was also positive, but faintly.

My period wouldn’t really be due for about 4 more days. I could wait, but hey I said I was obsessed right?

The doctor had me wait so long I couldn’t hold my urine a second longer. So when they did the in office urine test it was negative. I talked them into doing blood work anyway.

The next day I got a call from the doctor who said the test was negative, but later called back and said it was positive, but very low. (My beta level was at 23.) We discussed it and decided I would come back in Monday to have another test.

I was so excited, I can still remember how great that second line was. I can't believe its has been a whole year, you have been with me a whole year and it just keeps getting better and better!

some pictures.

I love this picture, I don't quite know why, but the color is really awesome. Desert sunset!

Look at those sweet little baby girls! (and that silly Aunt Meh Meh!)

Ah- the sun is almost down and the geocaching is over for the day!

College!

I am about to embark on a journey with my girlies. I am heading out to Rio Salado Community College to speak to an advisor and find out if any of my classes have "expired" I am hoping not (like, it would stink to take Eng 101 again!) But I think I am well on my way to my AGS, and if I can finish it in the next 6 months, then YIPPEEE! For me! Because I will be one step closer to finding my fit in life.

Will is always telling me that I am close to 30 and don't have any idea what I am doing in life. Well at this moment being a mom and making Milk are the most important things. I know that someday I will need to be more, be a career girl. I know that while I am home, I can finish up a few classes needed for my associates. Come on, I am a slacker, have been attending college for 10 years and have nothing to show for it! Jesse took the "wham bam thank you ma'am" approach to college and actually has an associates degree, after only a few years. I really need to get my butt in gear!

New years resolution? I think so! That and getting in shape! WHOO HOO!!! (Normally I don't make them because I have never succeeded in any! So this year, I made 2 and I WILL SUCCEED!)



********added later************
It was an interesting day. I went to the college and have to wait a week or so to find out what classes are "exceptable" so I'll know next week what I need to take.

We went shopping, and walked around Trader Joe's. There was a farmer's market going on and it was so neat to see all of that lovely fresh fruits and vegetables! Mmmm. Maybe I'll makeit back next week and actually BUY some!

Ah, glad my day is over, though. I am ready for some rest!

Fousands and Fousands of Ears Ago!

Back when I was a teenager, I had a pretty good life. Parents weren't overly mean (a little strict but overall decent parents.) So what made me go so "bad"? What caused me to rebel, do drugs, drink, smoke cigarettes and GASP! become totally addicted to coffee? What caused me to run amok on the streets of our little town?

I think back, and my only real explanation is stupidity. Honestly, I think that I needed some of my own experiences to figure out who I am. My parents, although they aren't awful people, just didn't understand me. (Ha ha- cliche!) My parents both had an easier path, a clearer path. My teenage years were different than when they grew up, both of them in super small town, America.

Hiding from the Mormons became my favorite game. If they saw me, out doing those things I wasn't supposed to, then I would be in big trouble. So hiding in back alleys, going to friends houses whose parents didn't care, and sneaking out at night became the way to go. I still don’t know why I did any of it. It hasn’t made me a better person, or even helped me figure out who I am.

My parents never threatened to kick me out, they never said "get your act together or get out." Maybe they should have, since I had them to fall back on, I didn't grow up until much later.

After high school, the whole year after high school, I did the same things over and over. I went to bed in the middle of the night, I woke around noon and hung out, then after school was over I met my friend Mikey, and we watched Spiderman on TV.

I still didn't know who I was, or where I was going. I assumed someday I would return to school, and get a degree and become my dream, the “cool” high school English teacher. For the time being, I wanted to just have fun. I was just going to hang out and watch shows and listen to music, and pretend like I had a hard life.

It’s been a bumpy road, continued by never really finding “me”, but I am still searching. I met a guy at a party, one that I had gone to, to be with a different guy. We dated a little, but got pregnant right away. We lost baby #1, and it was a lot harder on me than he ever could have imagined. It felt like my soul was ripped out and that maybe I wasn't meant to be happy ever. He sort of stuck by me, unable to really help because I was not letting him in. I didn't let any one in, and grieved inside as I became unbearable outside.

The only GOOD part was finally kicking that awful cigarette habit.

It has been nearly 6 years since I met Will, 6 years that he has been in my life. I am still not 100 percent sure who I am. I only know that today, I am a mom, and that is the most important job and role I will ever play. Parent to a child.

Rhayn and I were talking the other day and she asked me when she drew a picture that I have hanging in my room. I told her it was a long time ago.

"Fousands and Fousands of Ears ago, mom?"

"Yes, fousands and fousands of ears ago!"

Go Diamondbacks

Ok, I am not a big fan of sports, but look how cute these kids are in their outfits! (Thanks Grandpa for the Christmas presents.)

Busy Saturday

After a week of feeling under the weather, we decided that going to my parents house on Friday night would be the best thing. I loaded up my girls and some supplies and we were off.

Saturday dawned a beautiful day and Scott and Jesse had gone hunting, but only brought home a sparrow.

After very little discussion, we all decided it was a perfect day for a hike, and getting out of the house is always an insurer of a better family time. We loaded up and headed out for a quick spin (that included 3 geocaches of course you can't have a hike or outing with out finding one, that is why my mom and dad have 406 finds!)

Upon arriving dacheese and I strapped on babies. I used this wrap, it holds them close and is very comfortable. dacheese used an infantino baby carrier. It looked uncomfortable and actually painful on the back (the straps are small and seem to cut into the back.) The hike wasn't a long one at all, just a few little jaunts off the trail to find caches hidden up a ways. The first and last I didn't do (being so darn out of shape I was huffing and puffing up the hills, and still not feeling 100% after this cold.) Rhayn made it to all of them, although she did get carried a few times by a grandpa and an uncle Jesse.

After going back to my parents', mom decides "one more cache" and we head to the ruins in town. Its a virtual and you have to find the answers to some questions, then email them to the cachemaker and find out if you are correct. So we'll see if it was right.

She also had found a few places she wanted to place caches and being a cache-place-ing virgin, she was getting a lot of crap from her sister and some other friends who cache. So she placed her first ones. I won't mention much more about that since I don't know who reads this and who caches in their area.

My plan was to leave my parents before 5, because Bug takes a nap at that time, and maybe she'd sleep all the way home. It didn't happen as we just kept talking. Finally I got us in the car and out the door. We made it down the block and I suddenly had a strong urge to stop and Great Grandma's. I often forget to visit her, so this urge made me stop. We pulled up to her house and I had Rhayn run up to ring the bell. It took a few minutes as she was in the kitchen, but she answered and we went inside to chat.

I am really glad we stopped, because I know that her beautiful face may not be with us much longer, and I know that I will never regret being home late as much as I may regret not spending more time with her. I love that old lady, and can't imagine what life will be like when she is gone, but I know that we will all keep living. I know that she will be happy and that no matter what she will be remembered. There is no one more caring as she is. Her friendly nature extends all over the church that we had gone to for years, but often times we are known as "Sister Carter's family" even though we have been there way longer. She is just a strong presence in everything she does. I am so glad to call her Grandma.

Grandma remembered that she needed to give Bug a pillowcase doll, and when she asked I told her that Rhayn had never gotten one either. She pulled out the few she has left and we picked out 2, one made by Auntie Florence, and one by her Grandma Fazendean (not sure of that spelling.) These are such special dolls and will be placed in that lovely cedar chest "Santa" gave me for Christmas.

Our ride home was fairly uneventful, except for an accident that was being cleaned up. It took us about 30 minutes to get about 4 miles, and I wonder if that accident has anything to do with me delaying our departure, I mean if I had left when I wanted to, we may very well have been in that accident. Instead, we only had to wait in the car for a time, while they swept the road. I am thankful that we made it home safely and that we were able to visit our family.

Lots to say?

TLC was writing about weaning, and I felt a stab of pain. Honestly at this point I don't want Bug to ever wean, nursing her is my reward. It means so much to me to be able to put her to my breast, and I know I have written about it many times, but it hasn't changed. In fact those feelings have gotten stronger as I look down at those beautiful blue-for-now eyes and her chubby little thighs are pumping away as she gulps down on the best stuff ever.

But in other ways I can understand how TLC feels. The marathon nursing days have been here, especially after a long weekend with a cold, she nursed and nursed trying to catch up. She has also been nursing more at night, kicking me and searching out my warmth. I am still ok with this, but she is only 3 months old.

On other notes, hairball has mentioned "lengthy SCREAMING trips" to home. Let me tell you all a little bit about them. First of all, Collin is such a sweet soul that he doesn't understand crying. When another child cries it upsets him and he cries. So we get in the car and drive to hour trip to Cool-town. Bug was good for the most part. She didn't get upset on the way there. However on the way home she cried from about 10 minutes out of town, this caused Collin to cry, which made Bug more upset and that made Collin scream. OH. THE. SCREAMING. I thought my head would pop. We had to stop and calm them down as soon as we could, but we were driving across the Rez at night. So as soon as we got into town we stopped and calmed them, and then back into the car as it started again.
I love that little guy, but we will NOT BE TRYING THAT AGAIN! NO WAY!

This morning I woke up feeling a lot better, still a little sneezing and still a little stuffy. However I feel like taking on the world and by that I mean the mess that is my house. I want to get everything cleaned up so that if I feel good still tomorrow we can go and visit the "cool" family.

Bug is really progressing, she can hold herself up, but still has no desire to move from her spot. She has this uncanny ability to fling herself forward when she is propped upright. She can stay in a sitting position for a few seconds. No rolling over, however she can get herself off of her face when she tips over. She is just such a joy to have. We are so very very very lucky!

ACHOO!

This morning has proven productive and also exhausting.

I caught Will and Bug's cold. So now I am feeling under the weather, but I had to finish painting and put our guest room back together, I just could not rest until it was done. So through the dripping nose and watering eyes I painted. Now I should be laying down and taking a nap while Bug is- and I will in just one more minute.

I think I am happy with how the guest room came out, it will be nice to actually have a painted room to offer those we love. Before it felt like our guest room was an afterthought- and it was. We didn't have time to give it any sort of love or personality. Now it feel a little more warm and inviting (so much so that I think I should take my nap in there! LOL)

Now I am off to lay down and rest while Rhayn watches a movie- and for all of you out there-
if you ever want to come visit- we TOTALLY have a GREAT guest room! So feel free to come by!

short or long....that is the question!

I am having a hard time NOT cutting my hair off right now. I love my hair. I love the length and the texture and the color... however I don't have time to deal with it. My hair is curly and it is nappy and since having Bug its falling out a little.

I spend 90% of my time with it in a pony tail or bun, and I can't remember when I washed it last! (Saturday- I think?!) Here is a picture of a rare moment with it down while chilling around the house.

I know that I look nice with short hair, too. My personal favorite being a "pixie" haircut about 1-2 inches long (Think Jamie Lee Curtis --- it looks like we even share a birthday! However this isn't the best picture and not the exact hairstyle I was looking for- it was the best website without a million popups even Firefox couldn't stop!) Will has mentioned that I should cut it because he likes it short as well as long.

So --- dilemma! What to do...? I keep telling myself that I will not cut it until Jesse and Stacey's wedding, but will that happen? Its just been so frustrating lately. I am worried that I will be depressed if I cut it off because I have had a few dreams where I did and I woke up sad, but also because it has taken almost 5 years to get it to this length. It is such a hard decision to make, so I guess I should just wait and see how I feel in a few months? I think I need some advice!

Happy New Year!

We went to the in laws for New Years. Unfortunately Bug came down with a cold the day we were scheduled to leave, and I figured she would be ok, maybe a little stuffy and uncomfortable, but generally happy like usual.

Boy, was I wrong!

In this picture you can see the right eye oozing, and she had puked all over me countless times. It was the most miserable couple of days!

She still isn't feeling better, and today I gave her a warm bath and put some vapo-rub on her she might be able to eat. She gorged herself then proceeded to spit up all over me! It was fresh warm milk, all over my clean shirt. Yuck! However she seems to be feeling a little better after that and even is sleeping, as well as my chest doesn't feel like it is going to explode now, so its ok.

I am miserable, tired and sore from carrying a sick baby around. She didn't want to be put down very often, and she also didn't want you to sit down! It was not fun at all.

Will and Rhayn woke up today feeling worse. Yeah. Its going to be a long day, and hopefully we'll all feel better in the morning!