Fousands and Fousands of Ears Ago!

Back when I was a teenager, I had a pretty good life. Parents weren't overly mean (a little strict but overall decent parents.) So what made me go so "bad"? What caused me to rebel, do drugs, drink, smoke cigarettes and GASP! become totally addicted to coffee? What caused me to run amok on the streets of our little town?

I think back, and my only real explanation is stupidity. Honestly, I think that I needed some of my own experiences to figure out who I am. My parents, although they aren't awful people, just didn't understand me. (Ha ha- cliche!) My parents both had an easier path, a clearer path. My teenage years were different than when they grew up, both of them in super small town, America.

Hiding from the Mormons became my favorite game. If they saw me, out doing those things I wasn't supposed to, then I would be in big trouble. So hiding in back alleys, going to friends houses whose parents didn't care, and sneaking out at night became the way to go. I still don’t know why I did any of it. It hasn’t made me a better person, or even helped me figure out who I am.

My parents never threatened to kick me out, they never said "get your act together or get out." Maybe they should have, since I had them to fall back on, I didn't grow up until much later.

After high school, the whole year after high school, I did the same things over and over. I went to bed in the middle of the night, I woke around noon and hung out, then after school was over I met my friend Mikey, and we watched Spiderman on TV.

I still didn't know who I was, or where I was going. I assumed someday I would return to school, and get a degree and become my dream, the “cool” high school English teacher. For the time being, I wanted to just have fun. I was just going to hang out and watch shows and listen to music, and pretend like I had a hard life.

It’s been a bumpy road, continued by never really finding “me”, but I am still searching. I met a guy at a party, one that I had gone to, to be with a different guy. We dated a little, but got pregnant right away. We lost baby #1, and it was a lot harder on me than he ever could have imagined. It felt like my soul was ripped out and that maybe I wasn't meant to be happy ever. He sort of stuck by me, unable to really help because I was not letting him in. I didn't let any one in, and grieved inside as I became unbearable outside.

The only GOOD part was finally kicking that awful cigarette habit.

It has been nearly 6 years since I met Will, 6 years that he has been in my life. I am still not 100 percent sure who I am. I only know that today, I am a mom, and that is the most important job and role I will ever play. Parent to a child.

Rhayn and I were talking the other day and she asked me when she drew a picture that I have hanging in my room. I told her it was a long time ago.

"Fousands and Fousands of Ears ago, mom?"

"Yes, fousands and fousands of ears ago!"


Hayduke said...

It’s cool, awesome, and marvelous, that your main identity is that of being a mom. It seems that I’m asked to share part of my identity in every class at the beginning of each semester and the only thing I ever offer is that of being a married father of 3 incredible boys. I also often sit around and wonder why I did what I did so I can help my own sons through it. I think I’ll just make sure they have more options, backpack through Europe for a year, ride bikes through South America, or go to college, while they drink, smoke, and fall in love with coffee. I would say that it’s never too late to conquer your dream job of ‘cool English teacher.’ There are so many people in my program who are older than me, people in their 60’s changing their careers and chasing down their dream before it’s too late. We’re just babies.

leaner said...

Well after working at a school, I have decided I am not "teacher" material. I am more interested in health/ psychological things than I was in high school.

I still have the idea that someday I will write a book (and that is one that my mom and I both share. She has started a few books, and I wish she would finish them. Even if they are LDS fiction, they were good.)

Hayduke said...

You should do it! I took a creative writing class and it was one of the most fun classes I've ever taken, after that I've always had the dream of writing a book.

I think you could totally do it.

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