This morning, once again, I heard the puppy (and big dog) whining and awoke at 5:30 am. I stumbled down the stairs to let them out to pee. Since Nelly is still recovering from surgery, I stood there until she peed then made her come back in while Lily was left out to run the back yard and play, I figured if I slept on the couch they would let me rest a little longer. At least that was the plan. Instead I was awoken every ten minutes or so, by one dog or another wanting in or out. I dozed on the couch with Mean Kitty on me, until about seven. Then Gwennie came down and woke me up (with snuggles.)
I got off the couch, and checked my email where I had an email from Will (YAY!) which was excellent. Nothing starts the day off like that, well, maybe when he is home there are other ways to make the day start off better, but I digress.
The tea kettle was turned on, to make my morning cuppa tea and the girls' oatmeal. Then I started dinner. Yesterday I bought a roast at the grocery store, and thought a slow-cooker roast would be a really nice Friday night dinner.
While in the kitchen I started looking at the freezer, and decided that today I would clean the freezers (we have the one that is part of the refrigerator and a stand up deep freezer.) There was a lot of crap in there that has been there for over a year. I decided it was time to purge a bit.
Now I am considering taking Rhayn (and Gwennie) out school clothes shopping. Not that she really NEEDS clothes, but starting school without a few new outfits isn't fun. Plus, I could use a few new shirts. If we do go, I need to crate the poor pups while we are gone. Which means we can't leave for more than four hours at the most. Usually I just buy her clothes and call it good. However recently she has decided that she has an idea of what looks good and prefers outfits like this one and this one. (Hey, I think she looks great, too. In fact its totally something I would wear if I were a teenager, or younger.)
Don't worry people, I will post pictures of her new outfits later.
20090731
20090730
Rambling, again.
Blah blah blah. I want to write something, but what? A good friend of mine's wife is having his baby today. Its really exciting, their first, his first, her first.
I have gotten a lot done on my list of stuff to do before Will comes home. But their is still so much more. And some of it I can do today, but it will still have to be done again (cleaning up dog excrement and doing laundry, those are NEVER done.)
Penelope, or Nelly, is a smart cookie. She has gotten her cone off a few times already. Or, maybe Lily is a smart cookie, because she helped Nelly got it off the first time. Right now she is sleeping nicely on the kitchen floor in her usual spot under the table. I wonder if she feels differently than she did before. There is a small part of me that feels bad for having her uterus surgically removed. But I know that we will be better off with her spayed.
Last night Gwennie was crying loudly upstairs while I was downstairs watching True Blood (not appropriate for kids, and many adults.) So I pause it and run upstairs before she can make it downstairs. She is covered in blood, her face and hands and arms and red, as she wipes the blood that is streaming down her face. She hasn't noticed that its blood, most just thinks it is boogers.
I stop her, and say, "Gwennie we need to go into the bathroom, you have a bloody nose."
"I do?" she says, surprised and sort of happy.
"Yes, we need to wipe the blood off of your face."
She stands in front of the mirror and looks at her red covered face, the blood still fresh, she looks down at her arms and the backs of her hands, with the red wash coating them. Her face a huge smile.
Weird, right?
After she is all cleaned up, she runs into Rhayn's room, and says "I had a bloody nose! Rhayn." Like it the coolest thing ever. How weird is my child?
Probably not that weird, Rhayn gets bloody noses all of the time, and to Gwennie her bloody nose was a way she was suddenly like her big sister. It sounded weird, at the time, but its totally understandable when you look at it that way.
I have gotten a lot done on my list of stuff to do before Will comes home. But their is still so much more. And some of it I can do today, but it will still have to be done again (cleaning up dog excrement and doing laundry, those are NEVER done.)
Penelope, or Nelly, is a smart cookie. She has gotten her cone off a few times already. Or, maybe Lily is a smart cookie, because she helped Nelly got it off the first time. Right now she is sleeping nicely on the kitchen floor in her usual spot under the table. I wonder if she feels differently than she did before. There is a small part of me that feels bad for having her uterus surgically removed. But I know that we will be better off with her spayed.
Last night Gwennie was crying loudly upstairs while I was downstairs watching True Blood (not appropriate for kids, and many adults.) So I pause it and run upstairs before she can make it downstairs. She is covered in blood, her face and hands and arms and red, as she wipes the blood that is streaming down her face. She hasn't noticed that its blood, most just thinks it is boogers.
I stop her, and say, "Gwennie we need to go into the bathroom, you have a bloody nose."
"I do?" she says, surprised and sort of happy.
"Yes, we need to wipe the blood off of your face."
She stands in front of the mirror and looks at her red covered face, the blood still fresh, she looks down at her arms and the backs of her hands, with the red wash coating them. Her face a huge smile.
Weird, right?
After she is all cleaned up, she runs into Rhayn's room, and says "I had a bloody nose! Rhayn." Like it the coolest thing ever. How weird is my child?
Probably not that weird, Rhayn gets bloody noses all of the time, and to Gwennie her bloody nose was a way she was suddenly like her big sister. It sounded weird, at the time, but its totally understandable when you look at it that way.
20090729
Spay it don't spray it.
This morning the girls and I got up very early. We needed to take Penelope in to be spayed and the Humane Society offers a free spay and neuter program, called Maddie's Fund*, for pit bulls and pitbull mixes. They also have a first come first fixed policy (no appointments like they did back when Lily was fixed. Speaking of that... check out the cuteness of these pictures. Awwww.)
At 6:45 we were at the place, waiting in line with 2 other dogs and 2 cats. They took us in at 7am, and by 8 we were all checked in and out of there. We were told to come get her between three and five this afternoon.
After we left we headed over the Lowe's to get some sprinkler heads to fix the ones that Penelope had chewed or had simply stopped working. At home I fixed the sprinklers, it wasn't hard, just hot. But now maybe our grass will grow, since its all being watered. (One of the sprinklers has been blocked for months.)
Around eleven we received a call that Nelly was done and we could pick her up after one. Since I was exhausted from the yard work earlier the girls and I lay on the couch and watched a little Harry Potter.
At two we headed out to get her (I had fallen asleep). We paid, received her surgery instructions (don't let her run or play or rough house for 7 days. Uh huh... right.) They gave us her "cone of shame" and told us how to place it on her head when we got home. Then finally they brought her out to us. Unlike Lily, she walked out easily and didn't seem any worse for the wear. Until we got her outside and in the car. She curled up and looked miserable. At home we put the cone on her and as you can see, the drugs haven't worn off, she is still in a sad state.
She can't have anything to eat for a few hours. Poor thing is so tired and out of it, and Lily? She wanted to play. Lucky for me, the "cone of shame" totally makes it hard for them to play properly. Its going to be a long seven days.
*Actually many veterinarians honor it, but the Humane Society advertises it, and automatically hands you the pink paperwork for it, when you come in with any pit-like dog.
At 6:45 we were at the place, waiting in line with 2 other dogs and 2 cats. They took us in at 7am, and by 8 we were all checked in and out of there. We were told to come get her between three and five this afternoon.
After we left we headed over the Lowe's to get some sprinkler heads to fix the ones that Penelope had chewed or had simply stopped working. At home I fixed the sprinklers, it wasn't hard, just hot. But now maybe our grass will grow, since its all being watered. (One of the sprinklers has been blocked for months.)
Around eleven we received a call that Nelly was done and we could pick her up after one. Since I was exhausted from the yard work earlier the girls and I lay on the couch and watched a little Harry Potter.
At two we headed out to get her (I had fallen asleep). We paid, received her surgery instructions (don't let her run or play or rough house for 7 days. Uh huh... right.) They gave us her "cone of shame" and told us how to place it on her head when we got home. Then finally they brought her out to us. Unlike Lily, she walked out easily and didn't seem any worse for the wear. Until we got her outside and in the car. She curled up and looked miserable. At home we put the cone on her and as you can see, the drugs haven't worn off, she is still in a sad state.
She can't have anything to eat for a few hours. Poor thing is so tired and out of it, and Lily? She wanted to play. Lucky for me, the "cone of shame" totally makes it hard for them to play properly. Its going to be a long seven days.
*Actually many veterinarians honor it, but the Humane Society advertises it, and automatically hands you the pink paperwork for it, when you come in with any pit-like dog.
Fan Boys
Apparently my dear hubby saw this picture and found it hilarious. He added the "call-outs" so that we can all appreciate the picture as he does. What I want to know is how they got the hot chick to even show up at a Comic Con? (Who paid her and how much?)
20090726
Good News
I haven't wanted to post about this on here, because that would make it seem real, and then if plans fell through I would be devastated. But the date fast approaches, well, actually now we have a "tentative ETA" for his units arrival home. Some time around the 15th of August. A short 3 weeks away. 3, three, tres, drei, THREE! weeks.
And I have so much to do... so much. There are so many projects I planned to have done by the time he got home. Now I have some things I NEED to get done before I can even start on those other things.
My sprinklers were not working, but I didn't worry about it, then I noticed a geyser of water in the backyard. Penelope had chewed on one of the ones that still worked and now it spouts water like a desert whale. Fun times. I have to fix that ASAP, because none of my plants are getting watered because I turned the drip system off.
I know, it shouldn't matter if everything is spotless clean when he gets home. But, it does (to me). It really does. If I clean it then I will be able to enjoy him at home instead of stressing about needing to clean it. I got the name of a maid service that is fairly affordable, if "crunch time" comes and I still don't have it all done. I have a carpet cleaner coming the 13th of August to clean the carpets in only a few of the rooms (where the puppy had accidents while house training.) I have a carpet cleaner, but the carpet needs some serious cleaning, and they will move the sectional and clean under that, too. I think it will be worth having them clean the stairs, too.
For now, I am trying to stay focused on the now, and not worry about what is coming. But I am so excited for him to be home. YAY!
And I have so much to do... so much. There are so many projects I planned to have done by the time he got home. Now I have some things I NEED to get done before I can even start on those other things.
My sprinklers were not working, but I didn't worry about it, then I noticed a geyser of water in the backyard. Penelope had chewed on one of the ones that still worked and now it spouts water like a desert whale. Fun times. I have to fix that ASAP, because none of my plants are getting watered because I turned the drip system off.
I know, it shouldn't matter if everything is spotless clean when he gets home. But, it does (to me). It really does. If I clean it then I will be able to enjoy him at home instead of stressing about needing to clean it. I got the name of a maid service that is fairly affordable, if "crunch time" comes and I still don't have it all done. I have a carpet cleaner coming the 13th of August to clean the carpets in only a few of the rooms (where the puppy had accidents while house training.) I have a carpet cleaner, but the carpet needs some serious cleaning, and they will move the sectional and clean under that, too. I think it will be worth having them clean the stairs, too.
For now, I am trying to stay focused on the now, and not worry about what is coming. But I am so excited for him to be home. YAY!
20090723
A Vow: Part 3
Remember way back when I went to the doctor about anal itching? Yeah. Well remember how I said that they gave me a prescription for anucort? I used it, and sure, it helped, as long as I used it every day. Joy.
Today (well actually yesterday) I decided enough was enough, I called the doctor and set up an appointment for myself to talk about OTHER options. The doctor agreed with me, after a quick look, that I have 'roids. And the next step is to get them removed, surgically. Surgically, by a PROCTOLOGIST. Yup, I get to go see a butt doctor and have a surgery to remove things from my backside.
They sent a referral in to the doctor, so we'll have to wait and see when they can get me in for this awesome surgery. Until then, I have more anucort to make them less painful.
Awesome.
Today (well actually yesterday) I decided enough was enough, I called the doctor and set up an appointment for myself to talk about OTHER options. The doctor agreed with me, after a quick look, that I have 'roids. And the next step is to get them removed, surgically. Surgically, by a PROCTOLOGIST. Yup, I get to go see a butt doctor and have a surgery to remove things from my backside.
They sent a referral in to the doctor, so we'll have to wait and see when they can get me in for this awesome surgery. Until then, I have more anucort to make them less painful.
Awesome.
20090720
Help, Thanks.
Today I really missed Will. You see, I had to take his (our) truck in for maintenance because the "Check Engine" light was on. Is taking it in a big deal? No. Why did it make me miss him more? Because I had to call for help*.
The mechanic is about four miles from my house. I took the truck in, and they said it would most likely be all day. I didn't want to be stuck four miles from my house with a three year old in the 110 degree summer. I had to call a friend to come get us. I hadn't even thought about what we would do while the truck was being worked on. Rhayn had camp and was taken care of, but Gwennie? She, as usual, was stuck with me.
My friend picked us up, and drove us to the house. I was so grateful that I have people that I can rely on. Then when the mechanic called to tell me what the damage was ($260 for an oil change, new battery, air filter, vacuum hose, as well as a few other little things) I had to figure out how to get back to the mechanic.
Luckily a second friend was able to take me there, while Rhayn went to her house to play.
If Will were home, we would have had an easier time of it, he and I would have driven separate cars there to drop it off, and then we would have gone together back. I am thankful that the mechanic is good, and not too pricey, and also? Honest. They told me that fixing the oil leak in my car was not worth it. Some mechanics would have charged outrageous amounts of money for something that will never really be fixed. Also I have a few other people who go there and all have lots of nice things to say about them. It makes me feel good, and safe trusting them with my vehicles since I don't have a second half to ask about it.
But I wish he was home, because I am tired of doing it alone. Even though I know I can... I'd rather not have to anymore.
*I have had to ask for help more lately, and its something I really hate to do. I don't know if its because the longer he is gone the more I need help, or if its because I realize I do have people who can help. Or maybe its because I am just tired. It has gotten easier to ask for help, but I still try to do everything on my own first.
The mechanic is about four miles from my house. I took the truck in, and they said it would most likely be all day. I didn't want to be stuck four miles from my house with a three year old in the 110 degree summer. I had to call a friend to come get us. I hadn't even thought about what we would do while the truck was being worked on. Rhayn had camp and was taken care of, but Gwennie? She, as usual, was stuck with me.
My friend picked us up, and drove us to the house. I was so grateful that I have people that I can rely on. Then when the mechanic called to tell me what the damage was ($260 for an oil change, new battery, air filter, vacuum hose, as well as a few other little things) I had to figure out how to get back to the mechanic.
Luckily a second friend was able to take me there, while Rhayn went to her house to play.
If Will were home, we would have had an easier time of it, he and I would have driven separate cars there to drop it off, and then we would have gone together back. I am thankful that the mechanic is good, and not too pricey, and also? Honest. They told me that fixing the oil leak in my car was not worth it. Some mechanics would have charged outrageous amounts of money for something that will never really be fixed. Also I have a few other people who go there and all have lots of nice things to say about them. It makes me feel good, and safe trusting them with my vehicles since I don't have a second half to ask about it.
But I wish he was home, because I am tired of doing it alone. Even though I know I can... I'd rather not have to anymore.
*I have had to ask for help more lately, and its something I really hate to do. I don't know if its because the longer he is gone the more I need help, or if its because I realize I do have people who can help. Or maybe its because I am just tired. It has gotten easier to ask for help, but I still try to do everything on my own first.
20090719
Weird Science
The air blowing made her hair fly, and she LOVED it.Yesterday, instead of heading to my parents house (as I had planned) because a) they weren't home and b) the check engine light is on in the truck, we went to the Arizona Science Center.
We actually have a membership there, but there has been so much going on that we haven't been. This has to change. The girls loved it.
It was Intel appreciation weekend, so the place was packed. (I am sure that the 115* weather had nothing to do with that... did it?) But we were still able to enjoy the exhibits.
Gwennie points to our house on a map. 
Rhayn is learning about building houses and energy efficiency.
Touching a bed of nails, which she later laid on, and showing me that she is someday going to break boys hearts with just one look. 
Neuschwanstein Castle, made from Legos!
Baby lego dragon. Awwwww.
Rhaynnon enjoying some rock candy after a long day.20090718
It is time to have the talk...
Yesterday after swimming at the pool, the girls and I were showering. We were meeting a friend for curry and bollywood flicks. While in the shower, and yes we were all in there together- sans suits, Rhayn said "What is this?" Then proceeded to poke and pinch her left nipple. She had a small lump under the nipple area.
I replied that maybe she was most likely starting to develop breasts, because if I remember correctly that is what happens. But she is only eight. So of course this morning I have spent time researching breast development. Pretty much everything I read says that this is ok. These "breast buds" develop one at a time, then go away. Then the other side will have a lump, which will go away. But also that this is the start of puberty.
(Loud exhale)
I am not ready for that. I am not ready for her to become a moody, preteen. I know it will happen eventually. I remember it pretty clearly, from when it happened to me, and when my sister went through it. Unpleasant times await me.
Most of what I read said that it is best to see a doctor about it, just in case it is something else. You know, because doctors are always right, and helpful.
I replied that maybe she was most likely starting to develop breasts, because if I remember correctly that is what happens. But she is only eight. So of course this morning I have spent time researching breast development. Pretty much everything I read says that this is ok. These "breast buds" develop one at a time, then go away. Then the other side will have a lump, which will go away. But also that this is the start of puberty.
(Loud exhale)
I am not ready for that. I am not ready for her to become a moody, preteen. I know it will happen eventually. I remember it pretty clearly, from when it happened to me, and when my sister went through it. Unpleasant times await me.
Most of what I read said that it is best to see a doctor about it, just in case it is something else. You know, because doctors are always right, and helpful.
20090716
Happy Birthday
Since he isn't here to take a new picture of or even to make new memories with, and I can't find a good one at the moment... Here is a walk down memory lane over the last five years of Will's birthday.
Birthdays and War 2005
I can't believe that this was five years ago. I was hugely pregnant with Gwennie.
Stuff 2006
Not a happy year.
Happy Birthday Dude 2007
We went to a D-backs game (they won it) and Gwennie had pink eye all over the stadium. Mua hahaha. Bad mama.
My all time favorite birthday post-
A Birthday at our house 2008
How cute was Gwennie? (This was right after the bangs incident where Rhayn decided that Gwennie would look cuter with bangs.) She looks so little, not at all like she does now. *sniff*
Birthdays and War 2005
I can't believe that this was five years ago. I was hugely pregnant with Gwennie.
Stuff 2006
Not a happy year.
Happy Birthday Dude 2007
We went to a D-backs game (they won it) and Gwennie had pink eye all over the stadium. Mua hahaha. Bad mama.
My all time favorite birthday post-
A Birthday at our house 2008
How cute was Gwennie? (This was right after the bangs incident where Rhayn decided that Gwennie would look cuter with bangs.) She looks so little, not at all like she does now. *sniff*
20090715
Puppy Capers, Penelope goes to the vet.
Last night I rolled Penelope over, to scratch her belly. She loves that, because she is a very itchy dog. She has been itchy since we got her, but I assumed it was just because she had been out, wandering for weeks possibly. Who knew what she had been into at that point. I figured a few baths with some anti-itch shampoo would help. It however, has not.
Mid scratch
It makes me itch just looking at it. Her underside is nearly covered with this rash.
This morning, I took Penelope with us in the car to drop Rhayn off at chess camp. Then we headed to our local veterinaian. He only does walk-ins. And I have to say, I heart that guy. He is awesome.
We walked into the vet's office, and there was no one else there. We were taken back within minutes. First Penelope was weighed- twenty-eight pounds. Then the vet and his assistant came in, gently lifted her onto the table and started looking at her. The assistant held her and petted her reassuringly while the vet took her temperature, listened to her heart and slowly checked her skin.
After that they rolled her over onto her side to check out her legpits. He said, "Its an allergy, and a staph infection." He gave her her vaccinations and a steroid shot to help. Then he gave her two prescriptions, one an antihistamine, Temaril-P and the other an antibiotic, Cephalexin. She will take the antihistamine for fifteen days and the antibiotic for twenty. Hopefully this goes away, but chances are that it won't.
Lily's dappled skin.
You see, white (or unpigmented) pitties are likely to develop skin issues. Lily doesn't have any, but she has very little white skin, mostly she is dappled. Lily is basically bald besides her back. It talked about that in this article, that adding fish oil to their diet is a good thing. But then again, Lily is not the pup with an allergy. It may take awhile to figure out if her allergy is food related, or environmental. I will keep her on the food she is currently eating, at least until it runs out. Then I will research dog foods.
Remember our cat Beckham, otherwise known as the best cat ever? He had allergies and would get similar lesions on his back. We would take him in for allergy shots every time it would get bad. Poor kitty. Maybe Penelope is his reincarnation? They both chose us and they were both strays. Maybe I should avoid strays from now on? They seem to be racked with ailments. Oh well, I think Penelope is turning into an awesome dog. Even though she digs, she is a beautiful, sweet girl.
Mid scratch (Picture NOT taken by me.)
Anyway, I rolled her over, and saw, to my horror that her puppy armpits were covered in red spots. Really itchy looking spots. No wonder she was trying to get cooled off. The poor pup was so uncomfortable that she couldn't help it.
It makes me itch just looking at it. Her underside is nearly covered with this rash.This morning, I took Penelope with us in the car to drop Rhayn off at chess camp. Then we headed to our local veterinaian. He only does walk-ins. And I have to say, I heart that guy. He is awesome.
We walked into the vet's office, and there was no one else there. We were taken back within minutes. First Penelope was weighed- twenty-eight pounds. Then the vet and his assistant came in, gently lifted her onto the table and started looking at her. The assistant held her and petted her reassuringly while the vet took her temperature, listened to her heart and slowly checked her skin.
After that they rolled her over onto her side to check out her legpits. He said, "Its an allergy, and a staph infection." He gave her her vaccinations and a steroid shot to help. Then he gave her two prescriptions, one an antihistamine, Temaril-P and the other an antibiotic, Cephalexin. She will take the antihistamine for fifteen days and the antibiotic for twenty. Hopefully this goes away, but chances are that it won't.
Lily's dappled skin.Remember our cat Beckham, otherwise known as the best cat ever? He had allergies and would get similar lesions on his back. We would take him in for allergy shots every time it would get bad. Poor kitty. Maybe Penelope is his reincarnation? They both chose us and they were both strays. Maybe I should avoid strays from now on? They seem to be racked with ailments. Oh well, I think Penelope is turning into an awesome dog. Even though she digs, she is a beautiful, sweet girl.
20090714
Hot Diggity Dogs.
Gwennie and I found a lady bug in a plant we purchased at Home Depot today. Lily is a hot, diggity digging dog. I knew that. We have had to move things and rework things to keep her digging at bay. Over time she has stopped digging up plants.
Enter Penelope.
She is another digging dog, its obvious she is at least part terrier. (As she is part American Pitbull Terrier.) First she and Lily dug up my garden (which I have posted about here.) Then she started digging next to the house. When we put the concrete in for our patio area, I told Will I wanted it to have a couple of feet between the concrete and the house. I wanted to plant herbs and more tropical plants there, ones that would require no direct sunlight. Instead its become a mess. Lily would dig all the plants up, nothing lived there really. It was just never what I had imagined it would be.
A few months ago, I put 12X12 inch pavers in to cover up MOST of it. I left a plant, a ruella, in that was doing well. (If you followed the above link, you can see the pavers behind the mess that once was my ficus, sniff sniff. There is a green spot that is the plant that was thriving amidst the pavers.)
Enter Penelope, once again.
She started digging a little around the ruella. Then slowly it was more, and more. Every day the hole was getting bigger and the dirt spreading farther. But its so hot, I would tell myself. I can't deal with this today.
Yesterday I went to Lowe's to get more pavers, but they didn't have any flat carts in the garden section, and Gwennie was crying about a drink, because she was soooo "stirsty"! We just walked out of the store and went home to find two dogs curled up in the cool, freshly dug up dirt of their new den.
Do you really blame them? The soil is moist and cool there. They had dug deep enough that part of them was under the pavers. When we would get home I would quietly peek at them, curled up. It was cute, and I totally tried to get a picture of it, to no avail. Penelope was covered in fine dust, that she would proceed to shake all over the kitchen floor. It was just messy. Penelope was turning brown, and her mouth, from laying in the dirt was always filthy.
Doggie den of filth. I still had to move the dirt back to the hole, and also use sand to smooth it out. Luckily the sand box is pretty full and very close to my project. I turned on the outside ceiling fans (and they felt good!) and began my daunting task.
Finished, for now, project.Whew. It took about an hour. I was exhausted and drenched in sweat when it was done. But it is, and hopefully she won't dig up the dirt at the end of this. It looks alright, but honestly, I like the idea of plants there more. I did purchase those two clay pots in hopes that I will be able to pot some plants in them. I am thinking cacti. Something the dogs will NOT dig up. For now though they will remain empty. (I want to get some "fun" cacti, possibly from the Desert Botanical Garden.)
***************UPDATE****************
Well, I went out of the house for a few hours, to pick Rhayn up from camp and take her to gymnastics. I came home to the above mess. Which involved another twenty or so minutes out there where I added the last few pavers, and sadly dug up the ruella (you can see it next to the blue pot, which houses a nearly dead cactus.)
Do you ever feel like all the work you do is pointless? Yup, that is exactly how I feel at this moment. Ugh.
Do you ever feel like all the work you do is pointless? Yup, that is exactly how I feel at this moment. Ugh.
20090713
Oh NO! A Monster! Oh wait, its ok.
A monster or two lives in our house. But there is no fear about it.
One night Gwennie was having a hard time going to sleep, instead of the mean sister that I was (sorry Dacheese!) she told Gwennie that there was monster who would protect her. Apparently there is a witch who comes and gives you bad dreams, the monster keeps the witch at bay.
Also the monster leaves presents in the morning. (These are usually "jewels" and small trinkets that magically appear from Rhayn's stuff.) I think the presents are left if you sleep well, or go to sleep. I am not sure.
Gwennie talks to her monster all of the time. The two girls tell me that the monster is right there. Gwennie's monster is a girl and I think Rhayn's is a boy. But Rhayn doesn't talk to hers.
I asked Gwennie about her monster, this is what she had to say:
"My monster colors and she turns on movies. My monster leaves me presents if I go to sleep. She looks like fruit, and she has wings and looks like a rainbow Pegasus but you can't see her, she has dark wings that are nice. She looks like a pony, but she doesn't. "
One night Gwennie was having a hard time going to sleep, instead of the mean sister that I was (sorry Dacheese!) she told Gwennie that there was monster who would protect her. Apparently there is a witch who comes and gives you bad dreams, the monster keeps the witch at bay.
Also the monster leaves presents in the morning. (These are usually "jewels" and small trinkets that magically appear from Rhayn's stuff.) I think the presents are left if you sleep well, or go to sleep. I am not sure.
Gwennie talks to her monster all of the time. The two girls tell me that the monster is right there. Gwennie's monster is a girl and I think Rhayn's is a boy. But Rhayn doesn't talk to hers.
I asked Gwennie about her monster, this is what she had to say:
"My monster colors and she turns on movies. My monster leaves me presents if I go to sleep. She looks like fruit, and she has wings and looks like a rainbow Pegasus but you can't see her, she has dark wings that are nice. She looks like a pony, but she doesn't. "
My mind is filled with thoughts, fears, worries. I don't even know where to begin with them, or how to categorize them in order to deal with them.
Its like having a ton of work dumped on you, and having to wade through it to determine which of these projects you will tackle first. But then you realize that until you work though this other one, you can't start that one. And really you can't start the third one because this one over here is required.
Where to start? How to deal with it all? I just don't know. And I wish I could talk about them here, but honestly, I can't. For the first time I am truly faced with issues that I can (and will) not share with every one. Which only makes it worse. This didn't make me feel better. Harrumph
Its like having a ton of work dumped on you, and having to wade through it to determine which of these projects you will tackle first. But then you realize that until you work though this other one, you can't start that one. And really you can't start the third one because this one over here is required.
Where to start? How to deal with it all? I just don't know. And I wish I could talk about them here, but honestly, I can't. For the first time I am truly faced with issues that I can (and will) not share with every one. Which only makes it worse. This didn't make me feel better. Harrumph
20090712
Austin Trip Day 3
The third day we were in Texas we took it easy during the morning, just hanging out and resting. You see we had a plan to go into Austin and watch the Congress Bridge Bats, the largest urban bat colony in North America.
Before we headed to the Congress Street Bridge, we spent the afternoon at another swimming place, Deep Eddy. I didn't take a single picture while we were there. After swimming, we found a Cuban Restaurant to eat at. The food was good, and the kids seemed to enjoy it (well, at least the water and air conditioning.)
We headed to our final destination for the day after that, Congress Bridge. We arrived and tried to figure out where to park, and sit. There were crowds gathered above, all along the bridge, and below along the river. We chose down, because with the kids we wanted to be able to sit and it was shady there.
As soon as we sat down we could hear the bats talking to one another. The chirps and whistle sounds growing louder as we waited.
The bats live in the crevices that were created when the bridge was built. They come here to have their babies, its a giant maternity ward. Every evening as the sun goes down, the slowly emerge to eat insects. The bats come out, first a few at a time, then more and more. Finally its like the bridge spews them forth, in great ribbons of black dots of bat. The ribbons go with the flow of the wind, sometimes going one way and sometimes another. It really was a beautiful sight. (If you watch just the beginning of this video you can see the ribbons of bats I was talking about.)
When it was dark, and we could no longer see, we went back to the car, and drove home. It was late and thus ended day 3.
Before we headed to the Congress Street Bridge, we spent the afternoon at another swimming place, Deep Eddy. I didn't take a single picture while we were there. After swimming, we found a Cuban Restaurant to eat at. The food was good, and the kids seemed to enjoy it (well, at least the water and air conditioning.)
We headed to our final destination for the day after that, Congress Bridge. We arrived and tried to figure out where to park, and sit. There were crowds gathered above, all along the bridge, and below along the river. We chose down, because with the kids we wanted to be able to sit and it was shady there.
As soon as we sat down we could hear the bats talking to one another. The chirps and whistle sounds growing louder as we waited.
The bats live in the crevices that were created when the bridge was built. They come here to have their babies, its a giant maternity ward. Every evening as the sun goes down, the slowly emerge to eat insects. The bats come out, first a few at a time, then more and more. Finally its like the bridge spews them forth, in great ribbons of black dots of bat. The ribbons go with the flow of the wind, sometimes going one way and sometimes another. It really was a beautiful sight. (If you watch just the beginning of this video you can see the ribbons of bats I was talking about.)
When it was dark, and we could no longer see, we went back to the car, and drove home. It was late and thus ended day 3.
20090711
Just throw her in!
Gwennie took swim lessons this summer. Last summer she and I took a parent child swim class, which was funny because the other children in the class were under a year old. Gwennie was almost 3.
I know that she doesn't like to get her head wet. We go to the pool and she will do everything in her power to keep her head up.
Rhayn had a few classes before Gwennie did, because the level one class was full the first week we went. One would think Gwennie would want to get in the water, she is a kid, right? She was perfectly happy to sit by me on the bleachers and play in the grass behind me while Rhayn was swimming.
On Gwennie's first day of class, she told me that she wanted to get in, as long as she got to keep her head out. I told her that she needed to talk to her teacher about it. I am almost positive that she did. She climbed right into the pool, and listened intently to her teacher, Ash.
Gwennie starting to learn to float.
Over the course of the two week class, Ash was able to get her to bob her chin under the water, but not her whole face. Gwennie would almost float on her back, but she is so stiff in the water.
Then, the last three days of class they did something that terrified Gwennie. The level one class jumped off of the diving board. Into the waiting arms of the instructors, but they still jumped.
The first day, Gwennie walked brazenly up there, no fear at all in her eyes. Then she neared the end. Her body tensed. She stopped on the edge and told Ash she wasn't jumping in. So Ash got out, walked out onto the diving board, picked Gwennie up, and JUMPED in. Gwennie was shocked. Not happy about it at all.
Waiting in line for the diving board.
The second day, I didn't see what happened but Ash said they had to push her in.
The third (and last of lessons) day she walked up to the diving board. She had prefaced class by telling me that she wasn't jumping off that big thing. I once again said "Well then you need to tell that to your teacher." Once again, I heard her telling Ash that she wouldn't do it.
Ash had to walk the first child, a little boy, out to the edge, and pushed him gently off into Dan's waiting arms. Then she went back for Gwennie.
Slowly they walked to the edge. Gwennie's terror was evident on her face. Pure fear. I could hear Ash reassuring her that Dan would catch her. It didn't seem to soothe Gwennie at all. The Mama Bear in me started to come out, but I had long ago learned, most likely from my own mother, that kids need to do these things that scare them. They need to face their fear. This sort of thing will help her grow.
"Don't Push me off, PLEASE!"
As soon as Gwennie relaxed a little bit, Ash pushed her off.
AHHH!
When she surfaced, her face showed betrayal, but when she felt Dan's arms, her fearful expression melted into her normal glowing smile. She was over it that quickly.
We went swimming later on, and you could see her confinence level when she jumped off the side (into 2 feet depth, she still doesn't like to get her face wet, but she jumped by herself!) It may take her longer to get there, but maybe by next summer, she will be swimming like Rhayn.
Speaking of Rhayn, I wish I had pictures of her doing the backstroke. It is really a beautiful sight. Maybe another time.
I know that she doesn't like to get her head wet. We go to the pool and she will do everything in her power to keep her head up.
Rhayn had a few classes before Gwennie did, because the level one class was full the first week we went. One would think Gwennie would want to get in the water, she is a kid, right? She was perfectly happy to sit by me on the bleachers and play in the grass behind me while Rhayn was swimming.
On Gwennie's first day of class, she told me that she wanted to get in, as long as she got to keep her head out. I told her that she needed to talk to her teacher about it. I am almost positive that she did. She climbed right into the pool, and listened intently to her teacher, Ash.
Gwennie starting to learn to float.Then, the last three days of class they did something that terrified Gwennie. The level one class jumped off of the diving board. Into the waiting arms of the instructors, but they still jumped.
The first day, Gwennie walked brazenly up there, no fear at all in her eyes. Then she neared the end. Her body tensed. She stopped on the edge and told Ash she wasn't jumping in. So Ash got out, walked out onto the diving board, picked Gwennie up, and JUMPED in. Gwennie was shocked. Not happy about it at all.
Waiting in line for the diving board. The second day, I didn't see what happened but Ash said they had to push her in.
The third (and last of lessons) day she walked up to the diving board. She had prefaced class by telling me that she wasn't jumping off that big thing. I once again said "Well then you need to tell that to your teacher." Once again, I heard her telling Ash that she wouldn't do it.
Ash had to walk the first child, a little boy, out to the edge, and pushed him gently off into Dan's waiting arms. Then she went back for Gwennie.
Slowly they walked to the edge. Gwennie's terror was evident on her face. Pure fear. I could hear Ash reassuring her that Dan would catch her. It didn't seem to soothe Gwennie at all. The Mama Bear in me started to come out, but I had long ago learned, most likely from my own mother, that kids need to do these things that scare them. They need to face their fear. This sort of thing will help her grow.
"Don't Push me off, PLEASE!"
AHHH!We went swimming later on, and you could see her confinence level when she jumped off the side (into 2 feet depth, she still doesn't like to get her face wet, but she jumped by herself!) It may take her longer to get there, but maybe by next summer, she will be swimming like Rhayn.
Speaking of Rhayn, I wish I had pictures of her doing the backstroke. It is really a beautiful sight. Maybe another time.
20090709
Outside at my house.
I haven't posted many pictures lately, have I? Most of the pictures I have taken have been of Lily. When you nearly lose something, you are more inclined to spend time with it. Plus, I have been internalizing what I learned while talking to the counselor.
Remember how I was watching my friend's dog, Ollie? Yeah. The psycho dog... well he and Penelope dug up a ficus benjamina that I had for about seven years. It was really upset, but it is just a plant. It was beautiful, and braided and the first plant I had kept alive... oh well.
Today I went to a local nursery and asked them what I could plant, or put around the base of a tree in a pot that would keep the dog from digging. He suggested a carpet rose, it grows fast, has very sturdy thorns, and is hearty. I picked up 2 of them, because I have a potted ficus in the front yard, too. I thought it would look pretty in that pot as well. I also needed to get a new tree for the pot. I ended up with some kind of a laurel. It should bloom once a year with purple flowers that smell like grape soda. As long as Penelope doesn't dig it up, it will be awesome.
The rose plant I picked is huge. I was able to wrap it around the pot and secure it so that it will cover more of the dirt. I also sprayed some "digging deterrent" that I bought. (Its basically hot pepper spray.)
I have given up on my garden for the time being. Seriously, every day when I come home Lily is curled up in the dirt of my raised bed garden. She jumps out as soon as she sees me, so I can't get a picture of her. She and Penelope have dug enough of the dirt out that when they are in there, you can barely see the top of their heads. They dug up and destroyed every plant besides the basil. Why is that? Do they not like basil? I am researching fences. But it has to be at least 48 inches all and very sturdy so that she can't jump it. (Um, well she can jump more than that... but she might be less likely.) Plus I am going to put a sun shade over the sand box and hope they start laying over their when its shaded.
Oh, and it is too darn hot to do anything outside anyway. I had to trim my mesquite tree a few days ago, and didn't finish because it was so hot, that I started feeling faint. Sigh. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate July? Its hot and only the real beginning of the humid, heat that is monsoon season. Bleh.
Remember how I was watching my friend's dog, Ollie? Yeah. The psycho dog... well he and Penelope dug up a ficus benjamina that I had for about seven years. It was really upset, but it is just a plant. It was beautiful, and braided and the first plant I had kept alive... oh well.
Today I went to a local nursery and asked them what I could plant, or put around the base of a tree in a pot that would keep the dog from digging. He suggested a carpet rose, it grows fast, has very sturdy thorns, and is hearty. I picked up 2 of them, because I have a potted ficus in the front yard, too. I thought it would look pretty in that pot as well. I also needed to get a new tree for the pot. I ended up with some kind of a laurel. It should bloom once a year with purple flowers that smell like grape soda. As long as Penelope doesn't dig it up, it will be awesome.
The rose plant I picked is huge. I was able to wrap it around the pot and secure it so that it will cover more of the dirt. I also sprayed some "digging deterrent" that I bought. (Its basically hot pepper spray.)
I have given up on my garden for the time being. Seriously, every day when I come home Lily is curled up in the dirt of my raised bed garden. She jumps out as soon as she sees me, so I can't get a picture of her. She and Penelope have dug enough of the dirt out that when they are in there, you can barely see the top of their heads. They dug up and destroyed every plant besides the basil. Why is that? Do they not like basil? I am researching fences. But it has to be at least 48 inches all and very sturdy so that she can't jump it. (Um, well she can jump more than that... but she might be less likely.) Plus I am going to put a sun shade over the sand box and hope they start laying over their when its shaded.
Oh, and it is too darn hot to do anything outside anyway. I had to trim my mesquite tree a few days ago, and didn't finish because it was so hot, that I started feeling faint. Sigh. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate July? Its hot and only the real beginning of the humid, heat that is monsoon season. Bleh.
20090707
It Is What It Is and Let Go.
I spoke to a counselor today. I had no idea what to expect, but knew that I needed to talk about how angry I am in this situation. He gave me a few good pointers at how to help myself feel better.
1. Realize that this is my current situation and nothing I do will really change it. Will is going to remain in deployed no matter how much I wish him home. Accept my life, and change my mantra. Instead of "This is too hard, I am losing it" I can say "my life is what it is" because until he is home, I can not change anything beside my frame of mind.
2. Let go. I am going to continue to feel like crap. I will continue to have these thoughts- the sad, lonely, I wish this weren't my life type thoughts- nothing will change that. I need to let them pass. He said to possibly visualize them as fluffy clouds floating by. Sure, I am stressing about the thirty things I need to do today, but instead of dwelling on those thoughts, I need to let it go. Envision the thought as passing in front of your eyes, and if you stop it and dwell upon it, it ends up hovering right between your eyes, where you will continue to fuss over it. If you let it pass, then it goes by. Sure it may come back every hour, ten times an hours or maybe more (or less) but just let it float by.
The counselor and I used yoga practice as a good metaphor for life. It really is. You don't dwell upon the pose, when it is over, its over. When in the middle of a really tough pose, you work through the pain, you feel the pain. That pain, like the pain of childbirth, doesn't last forever. When its over you feel stronger because you know how much you can handle.
Once again, I am reminded of how much I love yoga. I think when Will gets home, he should attend some yoga practices with me. I think it would be good for us. We could let go, together.
1. Realize that this is my current situation and nothing I do will really change it. Will is going to remain in deployed no matter how much I wish him home. Accept my life, and change my mantra. Instead of "This is too hard, I am losing it" I can say "my life is what it is" because until he is home, I can not change anything beside my frame of mind.
2. Let go. I am going to continue to feel like crap. I will continue to have these thoughts- the sad, lonely, I wish this weren't my life type thoughts- nothing will change that. I need to let them pass. He said to possibly visualize them as fluffy clouds floating by. Sure, I am stressing about the thirty things I need to do today, but instead of dwelling on those thoughts, I need to let it go. Envision the thought as passing in front of your eyes, and if you stop it and dwell upon it, it ends up hovering right between your eyes, where you will continue to fuss over it. If you let it pass, then it goes by. Sure it may come back every hour, ten times an hours or maybe more (or less) but just let it float by.
The counselor and I used yoga practice as a good metaphor for life. It really is. You don't dwell upon the pose, when it is over, its over. When in the middle of a really tough pose, you work through the pain, you feel the pain. That pain, like the pain of childbirth, doesn't last forever. When its over you feel stronger because you know how much you can handle.
Once again, I am reminded of how much I love yoga. I think when Will gets home, he should attend some yoga practices with me. I think it would be good for us. We could let go, together.
20090706
Three Times!
I was given this award by three people. That is totally awesome. I wish I had been in a better state of mind and able to respond quickly. In order to receive this award, I am supposed to write ten honest things about myself. I am finding this hard to do, with out a very dark edge to it. (It took me four hours to write this.)
1. When I was younger I really disliked, bordering on hated, dogs. Really. We had one dog that I loved while growing up. I tolerated our dogs, but I only loved Spike, he was a Brittany spaniel that we got through a divorce of one of my dad's friends. It wasn't until my brother got a dog names Cur (she was a German Short-Hair pointer) that I saw how great a dog could be. And ever since we got Lily, I have been a dog lover.
2. When I am sick I like to watch really crappy Behind the Music type programs on TV and music videos, but since we got rid of cable, I end up watching Friends or Frasier on DVD.
3. I love American's Next Top Model, its a guilty pleasure of mine. I also enjoy Project Runway. But can't stand most reality shows.
4. I once took off with a boyfriend and lived with him in his van for 2 months. We went to Salt Lake City, UT and Denver, CO.
5. The only type of music I don't regularly listen to is country. But I will listen to it when I need to cry.
6. I would love to move to another state, but at the same time, I really want to stay here, it is an internal struggle that I battle with constantly.
7. I want to be a homebody, and have a super clean/organized house with a set schedule, instead I feel like I am running around like a chicken with her head cut off most of the time.
8. I am seeking counseling for myself, and when Will gets home, we will attend it as a couple. I don't know if it will help, but feel like it can't hurt us. For me, I think I need it. I am overwhelmed and struggling to cope at the moment.
9. You would never know (most days, yesterday was a total fluke, I lost the ability to hold it together) when you see me, that I am losing my mind. I hide my feelings and emotions well. I laugh it off while dying inside. This is not good and what is making me think maybe that I need couseling (see number 8.)
10. I really dislike talking on the phone. There, I said it. I will email to my hearts content, but talking on the phone is hard. I think that is partially why this deployment has been so hard. When your relationship is reliant upon those phone calls as a way to connect, and you dislike being on the phone... well it leads to a real disconnect between partners.
And now for those that I feel deserve this award...
I send it back to the three who gave it to me. Thanks Mo, Bodaat and Urban Homesteader!
I am picking 5. (Half the number of honest things they need to say!)
1. Tiff over at A Hatful of Nothing.
2. Alicia at How I Became a Tattooed Mommy.
3. Jess at Mommy Musings
4. Homeslice!
5. And Amie at Life with the Boys.
20090705
Now sit right back and you'll here a tail...
Sometimes you need a real smack in the face to realize how much something means to you. This weekend was one of those times. (Please excuse grammar issues and tense changes in this. It will most likely be back and forth.)
We had a really fun time at the fireworks, which is a story for another night (or maybe tomorrow.) Tonight I tell the tale of Lily.
Back to the fireworks. We left our house sometime around 3:30 to stop and get some corn on the cob to eat at our friends' house. Then we spent the rest of the evening having a nice time out, with them. We walked in the door around 11:30pm. I took the girls upstairs to bed before worrying about letting the dogs in. I could see faces at the back door, and didn't think anything of it. It is now 11:45 and I am ready to let the dogs in. Two dogs come running in, Ollie, who we are watching for my friend, and Penelope. There is no Lily. I don't panic right away, I walk outside and whistle for her, "Lily, come on!" Nothing.
I go back in, put on my shoes and grab the mag lite. I searched every crevice in my back yard. Every spot that a fifty pound dog could fit, and many that there is no way she could fit in. Then I started to panic. I go back in, then out, I take my mag lite and shine it in our neighbors' yards (I wonder if they saw it.) I finally realize she isn't there, I am not finding her.
In my kitchen I stand, phone in hand trying to think of who to call. The folks we were out with live close and are most likely still awake. SK answers after two rings, and it comes rushing out. Lily is gone. I don't know what to do. He offers to come over and sit at the house while I drive around the neighborhood. I take him up. Calling for help is hard for me. I want to feel like superwoman and never need help.
He arrives and I do a few drive arounds and finally give up after a half hour. I was so tired. My mind was just exhausted. SK goes home, and tells me that if I need him or his wife in the morning just call. I tell him thank you, and go to bed. Well, actually I went outside and cried for a short time before going to bed.
Morning comes, and I run downstairs, thinking she will be there on the doorstep waiting to be let in. But alas she isn't. No Lily. Nothing.
I sit on the couch for a short time, and call my parents. I had no idea what to do or how to deal with it, I just needed to talk to someone. I feel a little better after the talk with them. Time goes by, I posted her as a lost dog on Pets911. Then called the pound with her license information. She wasn't listed but I was worried that she had lost her collar.
The girls were up by this time, and I had to tell them about her disappearance. They were visibly upset. Both worried about her. Time went by, and Will called. This is possibly the worst part of the day. I didn't want to tell him that she was lost. But I was so upset, so sad. I told him. I knew he wasn't happy, he prefaced the conversation with that. I knew I needed to keep it to myself, but I couldn't.
When he asked "How is everything? How are you?" I told him what had happened. He asked me if the gate was locked. It wasn't. We had removed the lock on our gate a time ago, and it had broken. I haven't replaced it. He was determined that someone stole our sweet pitbull to fight. If they had stolen her, why leave the other two dogs? And Ollie? He would have bitten someone who came in the yard. I know he would have. Will was upset, he told me to "Tell the girls I love them, Bye," and he hung up. I sat there, phone in my hand trying to figure out what that meant.
And then it happened.
I lost it. I started bawling, I was sobbing and unable to breath. I finally was able to calm down enough to call my Dad and ask him if they could come up. I knew I couldn't be alone. This is the breaking point, my breaking point. This was when I could no longer deal with life. My Dad said he needed to make a few phone calls and then he would let me know. (He is in the bishopric at church and needed to take care of some things.) My moms calls and says they are leaving. I sort of breath a sigh of relief, post this on Facebook
Leaner spoke to her husband... his lack of support, and blaming me for Lily being lost and telling me that since she is a pitbull someone STOLE her to use in dog fights was not what my fragile self needed. Am close to nervous breakdown, called my parents to come over. Really really scared at the moment.
and go upstairs to take a shower. (The girls are watching mass amounts of PBS kids at this time.) I cried in the shower for a good twenty minutes. I had the bad thoughts, the blame coated me, the fear coated me, the shame. I could not imagine what I was going to do. How would I live? How could I keep on? Maybe I needed to check myself in to a hospital, because this? I couldn't deal with this. I knew my parents were coming, it was the only thing that kept me from really panicking more at that moment. Lets just say, for a short time, harming myself was in my head. It was probably my lowest point, since I was 21. I felt that same pain and suffering that I used to feel when someone I really cared for broke up with me. Only worse, much worse.
I pulled myself together a bit, enough to put clothes on. I knew when my parents got here I would be going to the pound to see if she was picked up. I needed to be present enough at that time to leave the house.
My mom drove me to the pound, we walked up and down the cages, looking for her. Every step made my heart break a little more. All of those dogs, so sad, staring at us like we were the bestest things ever. And none of them was Lily.
We came back to the house, after a quick sweep of the streets again. No calls, nothing. We got some lunch and then hung out at the house for a while. Rhayn kept asking if we could go do something with eachother. Finally it was settled that we would go see a movie.
Have you seen Up? That is NOT the movie to see when you are in a messed up state of mind. There is death and that was bad enough. Then the rest of the movie is filled with DOGS. Every time they showed on, a tear would escape. I was sniffling and teary through the whole movie. The girls liked it, but me? Well, I will never be able to watch it again, without all of those feelings coming back. It was ruined for me.
Back home again, its now almost seven. My dad was going to check the air filter on the truck for me. So we stood in the garage. My mom had a talk with Rhayn about Lily, because she had thought Lily would be home when we got there. Rhayn was more upset than she had been. I told her that after Grandpa and Grandma left we would walk the streets for a little while and see if we could find her.
We decided to take the dogs with us, so I put leashes on them.But as we were walking away from the house Gwennie throws up. I took the dogs back inside and washed the vomit off of our driveway. Then we drink some water and all head out. We only walked a short ways, about 5 blocks in a circle to the houses behind ours. But the girls were feeling that at least we did something about finding Lily.
Into the house because Gwennie was "dirsty" as she says. I checked the caller ID. We had had 3 calls from a strange number. No messages though. I took the risk and called the number back. "Hello? Did you call my house?"
"Yes, I did."
At this point, with phone to my ear, I opened the front door because I needed to roll up the hose. In runs a dog.
"MY DOG!" I yell, into the phone. I follow her in.
"Did you have my dog?"
"Yeah, we found her."
"Do you live next door?"
"I don't know, I am standing in the intersection."
I walked outside to see Emoboy (probably 17 or so) standing in the street.
"Thank you! You have no idea how much it means to us to get her back. I have two little girls who are so happy to have her back." My eyes were brimming over and I was trying to keep it in.
"Thank you, really."
I was so shocked, and relieved and feelings I don't even have words for, that I just walked away from him, saying "thank you" over and over. (Like an idiot, I might add.) I may have said something else, but honestly, this was the haziest part of the entire day, it felt like I was in a daze and all I could think of was that Lily was home, and she was inside and I needed to touch her.
I walked into the house, and dropped to the floor by Lily. I held her tightly and felt like I might never be able to let go. I can tell she is hurt, she is limping and favoring her back paw. But aside from being really thirsty and a few scratches, she is home, safe and sound.
(I immediately called my parents to let them know, then posted on Facebook that she was home.)
I can still feel all of the stress in my muscles. I am so tense, and tightly wound that it will be a while before I am calm even though I am exhausted and haven't really eaten all day (aside from a corndog and some cottage cheese earlier.) I am going to pack a lunch for Rhayn (she starts chess camp tomorrow) and then go to bed.
We had a really fun time at the fireworks, which is a story for another night (or maybe tomorrow.) Tonight I tell the tale of Lily.
Back to the fireworks. We left our house sometime around 3:30 to stop and get some corn on the cob to eat at our friends' house. Then we spent the rest of the evening having a nice time out, with them. We walked in the door around 11:30pm. I took the girls upstairs to bed before worrying about letting the dogs in. I could see faces at the back door, and didn't think anything of it. It is now 11:45 and I am ready to let the dogs in. Two dogs come running in, Ollie, who we are watching for my friend, and Penelope. There is no Lily. I don't panic right away, I walk outside and whistle for her, "Lily, come on!" Nothing.
I go back in, put on my shoes and grab the mag lite. I searched every crevice in my back yard. Every spot that a fifty pound dog could fit, and many that there is no way she could fit in. Then I started to panic. I go back in, then out, I take my mag lite and shine it in our neighbors' yards (I wonder if they saw it.) I finally realize she isn't there, I am not finding her.
In my kitchen I stand, phone in hand trying to think of who to call. The folks we were out with live close and are most likely still awake. SK answers after two rings, and it comes rushing out. Lily is gone. I don't know what to do. He offers to come over and sit at the house while I drive around the neighborhood. I take him up. Calling for help is hard for me. I want to feel like superwoman and never need help.
He arrives and I do a few drive arounds and finally give up after a half hour. I was so tired. My mind was just exhausted. SK goes home, and tells me that if I need him or his wife in the morning just call. I tell him thank you, and go to bed. Well, actually I went outside and cried for a short time before going to bed.
Morning comes, and I run downstairs, thinking she will be there on the doorstep waiting to be let in. But alas she isn't. No Lily. Nothing.
I sit on the couch for a short time, and call my parents. I had no idea what to do or how to deal with it, I just needed to talk to someone. I feel a little better after the talk with them. Time goes by, I posted her as a lost dog on Pets911. Then called the pound with her license information. She wasn't listed but I was worried that she had lost her collar.
The girls were up by this time, and I had to tell them about her disappearance. They were visibly upset. Both worried about her. Time went by, and Will called. This is possibly the worst part of the day. I didn't want to tell him that she was lost. But I was so upset, so sad. I told him. I knew he wasn't happy, he prefaced the conversation with that. I knew I needed to keep it to myself, but I couldn't.
When he asked "How is everything? How are you?" I told him what had happened. He asked me if the gate was locked. It wasn't. We had removed the lock on our gate a time ago, and it had broken. I haven't replaced it. He was determined that someone stole our sweet pitbull to fight. If they had stolen her, why leave the other two dogs? And Ollie? He would have bitten someone who came in the yard. I know he would have. Will was upset, he told me to "Tell the girls I love them, Bye," and he hung up. I sat there, phone in my hand trying to figure out what that meant.
And then it happened.
I lost it. I started bawling, I was sobbing and unable to breath. I finally was able to calm down enough to call my Dad and ask him if they could come up. I knew I couldn't be alone. This is the breaking point, my breaking point. This was when I could no longer deal with life. My Dad said he needed to make a few phone calls and then he would let me know. (He is in the bishopric at church and needed to take care of some things.) My moms calls and says they are leaving. I sort of breath a sigh of relief, post this on Facebook
Leaner spoke to her husband... his lack of support, and blaming me for Lily being lost and telling me that since she is a pitbull someone STOLE her to use in dog fights was not what my fragile self needed. Am close to nervous breakdown, called my parents to come over. Really really scared at the moment.
and go upstairs to take a shower. (The girls are watching mass amounts of PBS kids at this time.) I cried in the shower for a good twenty minutes. I had the bad thoughts, the blame coated me, the fear coated me, the shame. I could not imagine what I was going to do. How would I live? How could I keep on? Maybe I needed to check myself in to a hospital, because this? I couldn't deal with this. I knew my parents were coming, it was the only thing that kept me from really panicking more at that moment. Lets just say, for a short time, harming myself was in my head. It was probably my lowest point, since I was 21. I felt that same pain and suffering that I used to feel when someone I really cared for broke up with me. Only worse, much worse.
I pulled myself together a bit, enough to put clothes on. I knew when my parents got here I would be going to the pound to see if she was picked up. I needed to be present enough at that time to leave the house.
My mom drove me to the pound, we walked up and down the cages, looking for her. Every step made my heart break a little more. All of those dogs, so sad, staring at us like we were the bestest things ever. And none of them was Lily.
We came back to the house, after a quick sweep of the streets again. No calls, nothing. We got some lunch and then hung out at the house for a while. Rhayn kept asking if we could go do something with eachother. Finally it was settled that we would go see a movie.
Have you seen Up? That is NOT the movie to see when you are in a messed up state of mind. There is death and that was bad enough. Then the rest of the movie is filled with DOGS. Every time they showed on, a tear would escape. I was sniffling and teary through the whole movie. The girls liked it, but me? Well, I will never be able to watch it again, without all of those feelings coming back. It was ruined for me.
Back home again, its now almost seven. My dad was going to check the air filter on the truck for me. So we stood in the garage. My mom had a talk with Rhayn about Lily, because she had thought Lily would be home when we got there. Rhayn was more upset than she had been. I told her that after Grandpa and Grandma left we would walk the streets for a little while and see if we could find her.
We decided to take the dogs with us, so I put leashes on them.But as we were walking away from the house Gwennie throws up. I took the dogs back inside and washed the vomit off of our driveway. Then we drink some water and all head out. We only walked a short ways, about 5 blocks in a circle to the houses behind ours. But the girls were feeling that at least we did something about finding Lily.
Into the house because Gwennie was "dirsty" as she says. I checked the caller ID. We had had 3 calls from a strange number. No messages though. I took the risk and called the number back. "Hello? Did you call my house?"
"Yes, I did."
At this point, with phone to my ear, I opened the front door because I needed to roll up the hose. In runs a dog.
"MY DOG!" I yell, into the phone. I follow her in.
"Did you have my dog?"
"Yeah, we found her."
"Do you live next door?"
"I don't know, I am standing in the intersection."
I walked outside to see Emoboy (probably 17 or so) standing in the street.
"Thank you! You have no idea how much it means to us to get her back. I have two little girls who are so happy to have her back." My eyes were brimming over and I was trying to keep it in.
"Thank you, really."
I was so shocked, and relieved and feelings I don't even have words for, that I just walked away from him, saying "thank you" over and over. (Like an idiot, I might add.) I may have said something else, but honestly, this was the haziest part of the entire day, it felt like I was in a daze and all I could think of was that Lily was home, and she was inside and I needed to touch her.
I walked into the house, and dropped to the floor by Lily. I held her tightly and felt like I might never be able to let go. I can tell she is hurt, she is limping and favoring her back paw. But aside from being really thirsty and a few scratches, she is home, safe and sound.
(I immediately called my parents to let them know, then posted on Facebook that she was home.)
I can still feel all of the stress in my muscles. I am so tense, and tightly wound that it will be a while before I am calm even though I am exhausted and haven't really eaten all day (aside from a corndog and some cottage cheese earlier.) I am going to pack a lunch for Rhayn (she starts chess camp tomorrow) and then go to bed.
20090704
Austin Trip Day 2
On Wednesday (the first full day of our trip) we woke up, and leisurely got dressed and ready for the day. The kids were having fun and we had to pack a lunch, as well as stuff for our first "swimming hole" experience. I had told Rhayn there were a lot of swimming holes in Texas, and when we flew over the state she saw round holes (not sure what they were) filled with water and declared that there WERE a lot of swimming holes in Texas.
We finally got everything together and we able to leave the house. We stopped in town to get ice and I saw this sign. I have no idea what the building was (Chamber of Commerce? Town Hall?) I just really liked that the town name with a carved armadillo.
But the kids (and parents) were hot and so we got back in the vehicle and away we went to The Blue Hole swimming hole.
Strapping Young Texans.
Rhayn after she jumped into the water. Yes, she jumped with the dragon tube around her waist.
The kids were exhausted when we left and the youngest three fell asleep quickly. The big girls (and moms) had a delicious snow cone from the Tropical Sno stand in Wimberly. The stuff they can do with shaved ice... drool. Why aren't there more (or any?) of these in Phoenix? Seriously? I did a search and there are none in my area. I tried out the Coconut Cream Pie (with cream topping) and got it in large because I was trying to save some for Gwennie when she woke up. Yeah. That didn't happen. I scarfed the entire thing down. It was THAT good.
For dinner, JD and I worked together. I grilled chicken for our Tuscan-style dinner while she made pesto and some other tasty treats. We had stopped at Rolling in Thyme and Dough on the way out to get a baguette for dinner. It was a very nice ending to another lovely day.
And we were exhausted.
We finally got everything together and we able to leave the house. We stopped in town to get ice and I saw this sign. I have no idea what the building was (Chamber of Commerce? Town Hall?) I just really liked that the town name with a carved armadillo.
Before we made our way to the swimming hole, JD wanted us to stop at the Old Oaks Ranch. In the middle of no where there is a beautiful farm of alpacas and angora rabbits. The kids were able to try out spinning with a drop spindle. The place was also covered in sculptures. Beautiful ones. I mean did you ever think you would see a hippo in the middle of Texas? We spent a while there wandering and looking at the art.
Hippo sculpture.
But the kids (and parents) were hot and so we got back in the vehicle and away we went to The Blue Hole swimming hole.
This place was beautiful. Really gorgeous. The water was quite chilly though. The kids had an awesome time swimming around, and there were things to hold onto to jump into the water. I could have laid in the dappled grass and watched the clouds roll by all day. It was just that nice.
Instead I was given an exhilarating view of these strapping young Texans (they'd totally give my brother JVA a run for his muscley money, but he could do this, too). They would swing the ring out over the water. Then one would jump out, catch it, swing over the water then swing back until he jumped off landing back safely (and dry) on the shore. They did it over and over and over. It was fascinating to watch them.
Strapping Young Texans.We stayed at the swimming hole for hours.
Rhayn after she jumped into the water. Yes, she jumped with the dragon tube around her waist.The kids were exhausted when we left and the youngest three fell asleep quickly. The big girls (and moms) had a delicious snow cone from the Tropical Sno stand in Wimberly. The stuff they can do with shaved ice... drool. Why aren't there more (or any?) of these in Phoenix? Seriously? I did a search and there are none in my area. I tried out the Coconut Cream Pie (with cream topping) and got it in large because I was trying to save some for Gwennie when she woke up. Yeah. That didn't happen. I scarfed the entire thing down. It was THAT good.
For dinner, JD and I worked together. I grilled chicken for our Tuscan-style dinner while she made pesto and some other tasty treats. We had stopped at Rolling in Thyme and Dough on the way out to get a baguette for dinner. It was a very nice ending to another lovely day.
And we were exhausted.
20090702
Nothing, that is really worth it, is easy.
Sometimes while reading blogs I come across something that really hits me hard. Sometimes it is because I have experienced it. Sometimes it is because I have thought about it only one way, and never even considered the other side. Sometimes it is because I have never even thought that it could happen to me.
Today I stumbled across this blog My So-Called Sex Life by Andrea Frazer (the title of the blog speaks to me, simply because I loved that TV show.). In her post “An Affair to remember… or forget” two women are talking, an older one and a younger one. The younger woman is getting a divorce because her husband cheated on her. The older woman says she knows how the younger woman feels because her husband had an affair while he was away at war. The younger woman is appalled that the older woman stuck by her husband even after he cheated.
Now, how do I feel about this?
No, Will has never (to my knowledge, and I trust his word) cheated on me, nor do I think he ever would. But, what would I do, if he did stray (while he was deployed or even while at home)? Honestly, I would stay with him, I would want to work it out. To me, marriage is sacrosanct. I took those vows seriously and if one partner or the other makes a mistake, it would not be the end, not for me.
When I was younger, I swore up and down that if anyone ever cheated on me, I was out of there. Why would I put up with that? Once a cheater, always a cheater, you know. But those were boyfriends, not husbands. Those were guys I was no where near as attached to. Plus, my thinking has changed. We all make mistakes, don’t we?
Of course, I think honesty is key to marriage as well as trust. If something were to happen with him, I would be hurt, really hurt. I would most likely lose my trust in him, but trust can be rebuilt. No, its never effortless, believe me, because I once betrayed his trust (no, I didn’t cheat on him) and am still making up for it, still attempting to build that strong foundation. But it is so worth it.
In America marriage seems to be like a passing fad. You marry someone you think you love, but then, at the first sign of trouble, you give up. Divorce is almost as easy as getting married. Our values are skewed, and we want everything to be easy.
Nothing, that is really worth it, is easy. Marriage, like learning a new language, is hard work. You can never be too complacent because you start to lose a little of what you have worked on. Every day is a new struggle, a new thing to work on. There will come a time when you may fall out of love with that person, the newness, the joy that you felt early on, will most likely be diminished. But don’t give up. Its possible that a better part is coming, a more solid, and sure part of love. That partnership that is built by working together, and being intimate with one another, (mentally and physically) is worth the effort.
I want to add, that in no way is my marriage perfect. I mean, how can it be, with him in Iraq? I think that knowing how hard we have worked has really made me want to stick it out. I know how hard we will have to work on our marriage when he gets home, but that is worth the effort, too. He is a wonderful person. I love him more than I ever thought I would love anyone. I can not imagine my life without him.
Today I stumbled across this blog My So-Called Sex Life by Andrea Frazer (the title of the blog speaks to me, simply because I loved that TV show.). In her post “An Affair to remember… or forget” two women are talking, an older one and a younger one. The younger woman is getting a divorce because her husband cheated on her. The older woman says she knows how the younger woman feels because her husband had an affair while he was away at war. The younger woman is appalled that the older woman stuck by her husband even after he cheated.
Now, how do I feel about this?
No, Will has never (to my knowledge, and I trust his word) cheated on me, nor do I think he ever would. But, what would I do, if he did stray (while he was deployed or even while at home)? Honestly, I would stay with him, I would want to work it out. To me, marriage is sacrosanct. I took those vows seriously and if one partner or the other makes a mistake, it would not be the end, not for me.
When I was younger, I swore up and down that if anyone ever cheated on me, I was out of there. Why would I put up with that? Once a cheater, always a cheater, you know. But those were boyfriends, not husbands. Those were guys I was no where near as attached to. Plus, my thinking has changed. We all make mistakes, don’t we?
Of course, I think honesty is key to marriage as well as trust. If something were to happen with him, I would be hurt, really hurt. I would most likely lose my trust in him, but trust can be rebuilt. No, its never effortless, believe me, because I once betrayed his trust (no, I didn’t cheat on him) and am still making up for it, still attempting to build that strong foundation. But it is so worth it.
In America marriage seems to be like a passing fad. You marry someone you think you love, but then, at the first sign of trouble, you give up. Divorce is almost as easy as getting married. Our values are skewed, and we want everything to be easy.
Nothing, that is really worth it, is easy. Marriage, like learning a new language, is hard work. You can never be too complacent because you start to lose a little of what you have worked on. Every day is a new struggle, a new thing to work on. There will come a time when you may fall out of love with that person, the newness, the joy that you felt early on, will most likely be diminished. But don’t give up. Its possible that a better part is coming, a more solid, and sure part of love. That partnership that is built by working together, and being intimate with one another, (mentally and physically) is worth the effort.
I want to add, that in no way is my marriage perfect. I mean, how can it be, with him in Iraq? I think that knowing how hard we have worked has really made me want to stick it out. I know how hard we will have to work on our marriage when he gets home, but that is worth the effort, too. He is a wonderful person. I love him more than I ever thought I would love anyone. I can not imagine my life without him.
Puppy Capers- Potty Training
Since we are officially keeping Penelope, now comes the daunting task of training her. I can tell she is a smart cookie. She totally gets the "sit before you come in the house rule" (while Lily jumps above and overand around her.) She will sit on command, and is a total treat whore. I can put her into a submissive position, by slightly sitting on her. Sure, she fights me, but only for a few minute, then she sighs and lets go. I just look at Lily the right way and she drops to the floor and shows me her belly. At night she happliy goes into her crate, and whimpers only a few times before she settles in for the night.
The one thing she is just not getting yet, is potty training. She will just go, whenever she feels like it. Lily got this right away, she had very few accidents, but she was also only 3 months when we brought her sweet, pudgy, puppy self into our home. We were on top of her. With Penelope, I didn't think we would keep her, so I wasn't on top of it from day one. I will never make that mistake again.
She will have a good day, which usually means, we were home all day and the girls took her outside to play often. Then she will take a dump right in the middle of the kitchen the next day. I have taken steps to limit her exposure to our house. She is gated into the kitchen/living room area. (And I have moved my computer into that area, too.) I try to go out with her, and tell her good dog when she pees. I crate her at night, and she wakes up around 5am, at which time I let both dogs out for the morning then I go back to get for a few more hours.
I suppose my next step will be actually taking her out at regularly timed intervals (every hour, since she is still a puppy). I also want her to pee on a leash. Lily won't. She will not make while she is leashed. This is good and bad, I think. We'll see how this goes. Cross your fingers that is becomes a smooth process at our house.
On a side note, I feel like an idiot. Seriously, give me my forehead "L" now. I took the girls to Petco and got Penelope a tag, right? Well I put my home and mobile number on it. But I flipped the two middle numbers in my mobile number. The worst part was, that I stared at it, and thought "That isn't right." But left it, to be engraved. In. Metal. anyway. Dur dur dur.
The one thing she is just not getting yet, is potty training. She will just go, whenever she feels like it. Lily got this right away, she had very few accidents, but she was also only 3 months when we brought her sweet, pudgy, puppy self into our home. We were on top of her. With Penelope, I didn't think we would keep her, so I wasn't on top of it from day one. I will never make that mistake again.
She will have a good day, which usually means, we were home all day and the girls took her outside to play often. Then she will take a dump right in the middle of the kitchen the next day. I have taken steps to limit her exposure to our house. She is gated into the kitchen/living room area. (And I have moved my computer into that area, too.) I try to go out with her, and tell her good dog when she pees. I crate her at night, and she wakes up around 5am, at which time I let both dogs out for the morning then I go back to get for a few more hours.
I suppose my next step will be actually taking her out at regularly timed intervals (every hour, since she is still a puppy). I also want her to pee on a leash. Lily won't. She will not make while she is leashed. This is good and bad, I think. We'll see how this goes. Cross your fingers that is becomes a smooth process at our house.
On a side note, I feel like an idiot. Seriously, give me my forehead "L" now. I took the girls to Petco and got Penelope a tag, right? Well I put my home and mobile number on it. But I flipped the two middle numbers in my mobile number. The worst part was, that I stared at it, and thought "That isn't right." But left it, to be engraved. In. Metal. anyway. Dur dur dur.
20090701
What do you do with a lying three year old? How do you get them to understand that lying is not ok? Rhayn has a friend over and Gwennie bit her. When I asked her "Did you bite Rhayn?" She looked at me and said "No." Rhayn showed me the teeth marks. So I aksed Gwennie again "Did you bite Rhayn, yes or no?" "No."
N0w she is sitting in the chair, wailing like a banshee, because I swatted her on the butt and am making her sit. I am tired of her. I am tired of the fighting. Sometimes the girls are so good, and its easy to forget that they need guidance, just like the puppy with house training. I can't just let them be andignore the behaviours it will only get worse then.
N0w she is sitting in the chair, wailing like a banshee, because I swatted her on the butt and am making her sit. I am tired of her. I am tired of the fighting. Sometimes the girls are so good, and its easy to forget that they need guidance, just like the puppy with house training. I can't just let them be andignore the behaviours it will only get worse then.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
