Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps

Perhaps part of my problem is that this is the point in my pregnancy with Natalie when I made the choice to surrender Penny.
Perhaps that memory is souring this part of my pregnancy. I know it made me sad for such a long time while pregnant with Natalie.
Perhaps I am a mess right now because I think I should be feeling more movement from the baby, but the anterior placenta is still muffling most of that.
Perhaps I just need something to look forward to. I am feeling overwhelmed that I am only half way through this pregnancy. I should be feeling awesome right now, instead I am already uncomfortable. I cross my fingers that this feeling of utter sadness and fear will quickly go away. Maybe I'll even wake up feeling good tomorrow.

Instead of doing anything productive...

I am going to write a blog post about what we did this weekend! Whoo hoo.

Saturday we went to the Desert Botanical Garden's fall festivities. It was lovely. A little warm, and I had yet another headache, but nevertheless beautiful.

To get to the pumpkin patch you had to take the hay ride. So while the girls and I played the games, Will stood in line. It worked out perfectly as the girls and I only had to be in line for about ten minutes, and they were able to see everything there was to see.

Gwennie throwing a pumpkin, in pumpkin bowling.

Will standing in line.

The kids each got to pick a pumpkin. Rhayn saw a man with an odd looking pumpkin and declared she wanted on "just like that!" My only rule was that she needed to be able to carry the pumpkin herself (at least part way.) Gwennie chose a very small pumpkin so no worries there.

Rhayn's pumpkin.

There was a small petting zoo with the sweetest little pony. Gwennie loved him, but she also enjoyed catching and holding the chickens.

Gwennie and the pony.

Next up was pumpkin decorating. Once again Will stood in line while the girls and I decorated pumpkins. It worked beautifully again.

Drawing a face on the pumpkin.

Sunday evening I was on the computer when Rhayn ran in the house yelling "Penny's face is swollen and huge!" I got up checked her out. Immediately I sent the girls up to get Will in his office (installing Windows 7 on his computer, as he had spent the day before installing it on our family computer.) He came down and I told him that I shoved some benadryl down her throat and that it looked like she had been biting bees.



As my mom knows, dogs like to bite bees. I don't know why, they just do. Lily does it all the time and has on occasion been stung, but its never been more than a little bump and some discomfort for her. Penny, on the other hand, had a pretty severe reaction. Her breathing was fine, but Will crushed up some benadryl for her (as well as the one I gave her) and within an hour her face was almost back to normal.


While Penny was waiting for her face to de, Lily never really left her side. She was a perfect nursemaid. But it might have been that Penny got a special treat and Lily was waiting for hers!

Hot Diggity Dogs.

Gwennie and I found a lady bug in a plant we purchased at Home Depot today.

Lily is a hot, diggity digging dog. I knew that. We have had to move things and rework things to keep her digging at bay. Over time she has stopped digging up plants.

Enter Penelope.

She is another digging dog, its obvious she is at least part terrier. (As she is part American Pitbull Terrier.) First she and Lily dug up my garden (which I have posted about here.) Then she started digging next to the house. When we put the concrete in for our patio area, I told Will I wanted it to have a couple of feet between the concrete and the house. I wanted to plant herbs and more tropical plants there, ones that would require no direct sunlight. Instead its become a mess. Lily would dig all the plants up, nothing lived there really. It was just never what I had imagined it would be.

A few months ago, I put 12X12 inch pavers in to cover up MOST of it. I left a plant, a ruella, in that was doing well. (If you followed the above link, you can see the pavers behind the mess that once was my ficus, sniff sniff. There is a green spot that is the plant that was thriving amidst the pavers.)

Enter Penelope, once again.

She started digging a little around the ruella. Then slowly it was more, and more. Every day the hole was getting bigger and the dirt spreading farther. But its so hot, I would tell myself. I can't deal with this today.

Yesterday I went to Lowe's to get more pavers, but they didn't have any flat carts in the garden section, and Gwennie was crying about a drink, because she was soooo "stirsty"! We just walked out of the store and went home to find two dogs curled up in the cool, freshly dug up dirt of their new den.

Do you really blame them? The soil is moist and cool there. They had dug deep enough that part of them was under the pavers. When we would get home I would quietly peek at them, curled up. It was cute, and I totally tried to get a picture of it, to no avail. Penelope was covered in fine dust, that she would proceed to shake all over the kitchen floor. It was just messy. Penelope was turning brown, and her mouth, from laying in the dirt was always filthy.

Doggie den of filth.

Today I went to Home Depot, on my way home from dropping Rhayn off at chess camp. I picked up twelve pavers.

I still had to move the dirt back to the hole, and also use sand to smooth it out. Luckily the sand box is pretty full and very close to my project. I turned on the outside ceiling fans (and they felt good!) and began my daunting task.

Finished, for now, project.

Whew. It took about an hour. I was exhausted and drenched in sweat when it was done. But it is, and hopefully she won't dig up the dirt at the end of this. It looks alright, but honestly, I like the idea of plants there more. I did purchase those two clay pots in hopes that I will be able to pot some plants in them. I am thinking cacti. Something the dogs will NOT dig up. For now though they will remain empty. (I want to get some "fun" cacti, possibly from the Desert Botanical Garden.)

***************UPDATE****************

Well, I went out of the house for a few hours, to pick Rhayn up from camp and take her to gymnastics. I came home to the above mess. Which involved another twenty or so minutes out there where I added the last few pavers, and sadly dug up the ruella (you can see it next to the blue pot, which houses a nearly dead cactus.)

Do you ever feel like all the work you do is pointless? Yup, that is exactly how I feel at this moment. Ugh.

Outside at my house.

I haven't posted many pictures lately, have I? Most of the pictures I have taken have been of Lily. When you nearly lose something, you are more inclined to spend time with it. Plus, I have been internalizing what I learned while talking to the counselor.

Remember how I was watching my friend's dog, Ollie? Yeah. The psycho dog... well he and Penelope dug up a ficus benjamina that I had for about seven years. It was really upset, but it is just a plant. It was beautiful, and braided and the first plant I had kept alive... oh well.


Today I went to a local nursery and asked them what I could plant, or put around the base of a tree in a pot that would keep the dog from digging. He suggested a carpet rose, it grows fast, has very sturdy thorns, and is hearty. I picked up 2 of them, because I have a potted ficus in the front yard, too. I thought it would look pretty in that pot as well. I also needed to get a new tree for the pot. I ended up with some kind of a laurel. It should bloom once a year with purple flowers that smell like grape soda. As long as Penelope doesn't dig it up, it will be awesome.


The rose plant I picked is huge. I was able to wrap it around the pot and secure it so that it will cover more of the dirt. I also sprayed some "digging deterrent" that I bought. (Its basically hot pepper spray.)


I have given up on my garden for the time being. Seriously, every day when I come home Lily is curled up in the dirt of my raised bed garden. She jumps out as soon as she sees me, so I can't get a picture of her. She and Penelope have dug enough of the dirt out that when they are in there, you can barely see the top of their heads. They dug up and destroyed every plant besides the basil. Why is that? Do they not like basil? I am researching fences. But it has to be at least 48 inches all and very sturdy so that she can't jump it. (Um, well she can jump more than that... but she might be less likely.) Plus I am going to put a sun shade over the sand box and hope they start laying over their when its shaded.

Oh, and it is too darn hot to do anything outside anyway. I had to trim my mesquite tree a few days ago, and didn't finish because it was so hot, that I started feeling faint. Sigh. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate July? Its hot and only the real beginning of the humid, heat that is monsoon season. Bleh.

It is official: She's Ours (or Puppy Capers part cinco)

Penelope is our dog. She got the approval from Will. We both agreed that although another pitbull wasn't really what we wanted in a second dog, she can stay. We both feel that dogs choose their families most of the time. And I really believe she chose us. We have the means to keep her, and she really won't be a burden on us.

The past few days I have been working with her, putting her into a submissive position, attempting to house train her, telling her to "sit" (which she already did most of the time.) She is a smart girl, and loves to be around her people. She doesn't like to, but will go into the crate at night with Lily. (Yes, they are sharing a crate, which is fine by me, Lily doesn't look 100% happy with the situation, but she is a super trooper.)

I have to admit that a huge weight has been lifted off of me, knowing we get to keep her, knowing that she will be here, safe. And not end up in a home that will keep her outside only as a status symbol. She is such a beautiful dog and I am glad to call her ours.

Welcome Home, Penelope Ann Pawington.

Puppy Capers part tres. Decisions.... word vomitting.

I am on the verge of tears this morning. After much consideration, I have decided that we can not keep Penelope, but I want to. I just can't deal with it at this moment. I should be excited because we are going on a trip, instead I am overwhelmed with sadness about this puppy. We love her, obviously the girls are in total love with her. Lily loves having another dog, they are both so happy out there in the yard curled up in a single ball of different shades of short, black and white fur.

Every part of me is screaming in different directions about her. My mind knows that it isn't a good time. My heart looks her and wants her to be with us.

I have called the local Animal Care and Control place. They will hold her for 72 hours to see if her owners come forward. After that she will be evaluated for "adoptability". On their website it says they will call after the 72 hours plus spay time, IF we wanted to keep her. I called them to ask about it, but they no longer do that. I can put our name on some form that we desire to adopt her, if her family doesn't call for her. But we will have to be proactive about it, and keep calling about her.

Taking her to animal care and control makes my heart ache. I would love to find a no kill shelter, but since she is a stray they won't take her, because her family might be looking for her. I really do understand that. She is a cute and sweet puppy, she will most likely be adoptable. She will most likely find a good home. Can I honestly say I gave her the best chance by taking her to the shelter? I mean we would be a good home for her, I know that we could handle her (because she is at least part pit bull.) We know what we would be getting ourselves into.

See? I go back and forth. I need to just take her in, Rhayn has swim lessons at 11:40 so I need to take her in after that. Every moment she is here, makes it that much harder to part with her. (Until she digs up my garden, which she did, and poops on the carpet, which she has also done.)

None of this is helped by the fact that Will isn't contacting me. He isn't calling, he isn't emailing. Its not like he isn't online, I can see that he is. (His status changes in Gmail chat.) Its so frustrating, because I only want some sort of a "Hey I am alright". And even though I hope he isn't... I feel like he is mad at me for something. I think because if he were at home, and wasn't talking to me, that would be why. But if he was at home, I could try to get him to talk to me in more persuasive ways. I have tried to get his to answer emails... I have tried to ask him questions. I asked his opinion about that puppy and got NOTHING.

Up until recently, even though he wasn't here, I felt like I could rely on him like we were still partners. I could ask him questions via email, and maybe I didn't get the answer right away, but I would get it within a few day. Now...? Nothing. Nothing. Its like he's really gone. And I am having this one sided relationship with someone who isn't there or isn't real.

The month of May and June have been rough. And I look forward to August, the tentative time of his homecoming, and I wonder what will happen. I can't wait, but at the same time, I am so afraid of what will happen, how we will interact, what will be harder than it was before he left.