Nothing, that is really worth it, is easy.

Sometimes while reading blogs I come across something that really hits me hard. Sometimes it is because I have experienced it. Sometimes it is because I have thought about it only one way, and never even considered the other side. Sometimes it is because I have never even thought that it could happen to me.

Today I stumbled across this blog My So-Called Sex Life by Andrea Frazer (the title of the blog speaks to me, simply because I loved that TV show.). In her post “An Affair to remember… or forget” two women are talking, an older one and a younger one. The younger woman is getting a divorce because her husband cheated on her. The older woman says she knows how the younger woman feels because her husband had an affair while he was away at war. The younger woman is appalled that the older woman stuck by her husband even after he cheated.

Now, how do I feel about this?

No, Will has never (to my knowledge, and I trust his word) cheated on me, nor do I think he ever would. But, what would I do, if he did stray (while he was deployed or even while at home)? Honestly, I would stay with him, I would want to work it out. To me, marriage is sacrosanct. I took those vows seriously and if one partner or the other makes a mistake, it would not be the end, not for me.

When I was younger, I swore up and down that if anyone ever cheated on me, I was out of there. Why would I put up with that? Once a cheater, always a cheater, you know. But those were boyfriends, not husbands. Those were guys I was no where near as attached to. Plus, my thinking has changed. We all make mistakes, don’t we?

Of course, I think honesty is key to marriage as well as trust. If something were to happen with him, I would be hurt, really hurt. I would most likely lose my trust in him, but trust can be rebuilt. No, its never effortless, believe me, because I once betrayed his trust (no, I didn’t cheat on him) and am still making up for it, still attempting to build that strong foundation. But it is so worth it.

In America marriage seems to be like a passing fad. You marry someone you think you love, but then, at the first sign of trouble, you give up. Divorce is almost as easy as getting married. Our values are skewed, and we want everything to be easy.

Nothing, that is really worth it, is easy. Marriage, like learning a new language, is hard work. You can never be too complacent because you start to lose a little of what you have worked on. Every day is a new struggle, a new thing to work on. There will come a time when you may fall out of love with that person, the newness, the joy that you felt early on, will most likely be diminished. But don’t give up. Its possible that a better part is coming, a more solid, and sure part of love. That partnership that is built by working together, and being intimate with one another, (mentally and physically) is worth the effort.

I want to add, that in no way is my marriage perfect. I mean, how can it be, with him in Iraq? I think that knowing how hard we have worked has really made me want to stick it out. I know how hard we will have to work on our marriage when he gets home, but that is worth the effort, too. He is a wonderful person. I love him more than I ever thought I would love anyone. I can not imagine my life without him.


InMyHead said...

I agree that people are quick to marry and probably our throw away society makes getting a divorce a very viable action. But I also know from experience that sometimes even when we try hard to keep it together it falls apart. I was trapped and dependent, I was in the wrong place with the wrong person. I tried everything I could think of to fix the marriage. I denied myself, I tried to change me and him, I drug it out much longer than I should have. I am happy for the first time in my adult life. I am not disappointed that I broke a commitment that was hurting me. I would do it again. And getting a divorce is a pain in the ass.

Mo said...

Very wise Leaner. I totally agree that marriage is often hard, and probably not what most of us expect, but it is worth staying with, and working on however hard it may seem to be.

Amie said...

great post and amen. =)

bodaat said...

honestly, i have no idea what i would do if rich cheated on me. i know he wouldn't but i have never even though what i would do if he did cheat on me. no idea.

leaner said...

InMyHead, yes, I agree that there comes a time when you say to yourself, "This isn't working, and I am not happy. Nothing will change this and its not worth my sanity anymore." Do you think, that if you hadn't drug it out, and tried everything in your power to save it, that you would feel like a failure, even if you were happy? I mean, you denied your true self for something you thought was best for you and your kids. But in doing so, you found strength and yourself, right? Our experiences make us, eh?
I am not saying divorce isn't a pain, just saying that it is far too easy to find.

Bo, I have been cheated on and know how it feels. I have thought about this before. I have thought about what would be an "unforgivable sin" that would make me want to be out of this marriage. Honestly I have to say that I would be willing to try to work through anything, as long as it wasn't hurting our kids. Is that true love? Or maybe blindness. And remind me off this post when he is home and driving me bonkers, ok?

Anonymous said...

Good points and things that I think about often. Even in my own family, women are quick to search for the greener grass. Both my mom AND my grandma are on their 3rd marriages. That is NOT something I want, I have learned that the grass is green where you tend it. We are both human and prone to make mistakes, working thru those mistakes is what makes a marriage strong and a solid example for our children.

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