Stuff and Things

The external roller shades that I installed to help combat the heat/sun in our living room. Today was the first real test and they helped quite a lot. Also notice the out of control aloe. It wanted to live there, because I nearly killed it in the other places I attempted to plant it.

Same shade from under the patio (with clothes on the line!) You can see through them, but they block the heat and some of the light.

Lily rides in style. She loves her sheepskin. Do you blame her? Its like cuddling with a fuzzy wuzzy lover. Or a bumble or a Tauntaun.

This morning I debated going to yoga. Back and forth I went over it in my head. I dropped Rhayn off at school, and still wasn't sure I was going. But then, I realized that it will always be a battle with myself. I need to make it a habit, just going. Unless I have a fever or am vomiting, I go. (Or, you know, if the kids are sick, that would keep me home, too.) I am even taking a pay class, because, once again, I am more likely to go and not waste the money.

I love the class I am taking, the flow from pose to pose, like a dance. Because its not a free class, or associated with the city, we start the class with meditation. Today it was opening our bodies, our minds. Along with the mediation we did opening poses.

Flexibility has never been an issue for me. I can put my feet behind my head. A back bend came easily to me. But now? I am thirty-one and my body protests a little, ok, a lot more than it used to. My muscles scream "Abuse!" after a few planks. But I continue. I know that in order to get back to where I was at twenty-five I need to keep stretching. I will feel better as I go. Its important to stay in shape. I know that. For me, yoga is the best choice. It doesn't hurt my feet. So many routines do, like running, it bothers my bunion. (Sexy huh? Mine isn't that big, but its getting there.) Also in yoga there is a lot of letting go of tension, allowing your body, your self to just be as it needs to be. Sometimes letting go of tension is extremely difficult, because it means showing weakness or an inability to do something you have always been able to do before. It means allowing the moment to be more important than anything else.

And that is a good lesson, each moment is precious and should be experienced as such.

Probably too much information for you all, but...

I did not get every thing I wanted to get done today finished. I did however get enough done that I feel satisfied with myself. And all while feeling like crapola. I don't know if its the anucort ( inserted rectally twice a day) or an actual illness, but my stomach is hurting. I felt like I was going to vomit this morning, but I struggled through it. Now it feels like my lower half is cramping uncontrollably, but not like I have gas. I don't know how to explain it, except that it is really uncomfortable. If these symptoms don't go away (maybe I ate something funny) then I will have to call the doctor. You all know how good I am at doing that.

But on a happy note, the anucort seems to be really helping out with the original problem. I am feeling a lot less itchy and pooping doesn't burn any longer.

There are so many thing I want to get done around the house. The top of my list is to just get on top of the mess. Not that my house is a disaster, it just isn't clean like I would like it to be. A good portion of the mess is piles of stuff destined to go to a thrift store or my sister's house. It feels really good to unload some of these things that we have held onto for so long. To purge the junk that we really don't need, and there is so much of it.

Tomorrow I will get most of that done. I also hope to work in my garden a little. I am in the process of rethinking the way I have it set up. Remember how I wanted to move it? Well, I am thinking I should put it back where I had it originally. Only, I have plants growing there now. So maybe I can get SOME of it redone, and started properly. Its too bad that I waited to redo it, instead of doing it back then. I need to make a plan and follow through with it. My most recent plan makes no sense unless I install another drip line, because there isn't one that goes to the place it is now.

I also found a solution to a problem I was having with the sun. I will post pictures when I get around to finishing it. Which should be this week. But for now, I am going to bed. Because today has been a long albeit stressless day. And I want to sleep.

Riding the Light Rail

We rode the light rail last weekend. Here are some highlights of it. Gwennie was hot, as you can imagine it was warm that day. Both girls were very excited about getting on. However once we started going it lost almost all of its appeal.

Gwennie waiting patiently for the "train".

Riding the train and really tired. She fell asleep on me shortly after this picture was taken.

Pretty much done, and ready to get off.

Picture this...

You drive up to Target to have a drink with a friend. You are meeting her and her son there. You get out of the car, and your 3 1/2 year old refuses to get out of the car. You get her out of the car but then she won't walk. You know she wants to be carried, but first she hasn't asked nicely (or at all) and second she needs to start walking. Your back is hurting from carrying her all of the time.You tell her that she needs to walk. She won't.

Your friend and son attempt to help. You get her out of the parking lot. Then she stops. She remembers you said that you would carry her IF she walked to the sidewalk. But wait, she didn't walk. You carried her UPSIDE DOWN to the sidewalk (which was supposed to be a punishment, but instead she laughed hysterically the entire way.) She expects you to carry her into the store.

The friend, her son and you continue to walk. She stands perfectly still, not moving at all. You all go so far as to walk into Target because your friend tells you that she can see the 3 1/2 year old from inside. So you walk into that place between the two doors. You watch her.

You wait.
And wait.
And wait.

A man walks by the child, looks at her strangely but keeps walking.
A woman walks by, she pauses, looks all around. Then walks over to the child. She talks to her, lets assume she asks the child where her mom is. Then the child walks with THE STRANGER into Target.

Aside from the last part, this is a common occurrence in our life right now. Gwennie wants to be carried. I am pretty sure it is partially due to me attachment parenting her as an infant. I am sure it has a little to do with Daddy being gone. I am sure it has a LOT to do with her age. My friend told me that her son did the same thing. She said she often did exactly what we did. Usually when he realized that she wasn't coming, he would freak out and come find her. Not Gwennie.

She will not relinquish power. She is in charge and she knows it. I have no idea how to break her of this habit, and no idea how to make her realize that I can not carry her all of the time. And some days, I haven't the energy to argue, or to carry her.

A Vow: Part 2

I finally went to the doctor about my, um, problem today. I know, that was a month ago. I swore I would see a doctor about it within weeks. But we all knew that wouldn't happen.

When I called in, I said I had a yeast infection. I was able to say that on the phone with the 20 year old receptionist. I could not say "I have an itchy rectum," it just wouldn't come out. But I made the appointment, and found someone to watch my children. Then slumped into the doctor's office five minutes late. I was taken back quickly and weighed. I have to say that I have been weighed a couple of times in the past week, and the numbers surprised me a little. I am at my "5 months pregnant with Gwennie" weight. But I digress.

I was put in a room and my temperature was taken, this was followed by the pulse count and blood pressure, during which the nurse asked why I was being scene. I took a deep breath. (I can do this, I breathed out.)
"I am itchy, down there."
"Oh, like a yeast infection?"
"No, its not a yeast infection."
"How long has it been going on? How many days?"
"Um, more like months."
"Did you try to treat it with any over the counter medication?"
"No, its not a yeast infection, I mean, its not my vagina."
"Oh, your rectum."
Sigh "Yes, that is what I meant. My rectum itches."

The nurse gets one of the paper blankets out of the drawer and says the doctor will be in momentarily to talk to me, then he will have me take off my pants and have a look. She will come back when he does that.

Joy.

We talk, discussing my issues, and how long its been going on. I tell him I have hemorrhoids, have on and off since Gwennie was born. (Probably since Rhayn, but they were worse with Gwennie.) He tells me that those little buggers are probably what is causing my itching. But he needs to look.

We'll skip the anal probe. I don't want to relive it.

It is just some serious 'roids causing irritation. I have a prescription for some medication that should help the inflammation. If the issue doesn't go away within two weeks, I need to go back and we will discuss surgery to remove the offending 'roids and the skin tags they have created.

Joy.

Don't move a muscle.

My entire body aches. I mean, it hurts to move. My shoulders hurt, my legs hurts, my arms hurt. I want to cry out in agony when Gwennie wants to be held. I want to moan in pain because I had to lift my arms over my head.

And yet, I will be back at the yoga class that caused this pain tomorrow. If I can even get out of bed.

I haven’t been blogging much, not because I have nothing to say or share, but writing a blog post takes time and effort. Sitting down and actually processing my thoughts is something I haven’t wanted to do lately. Which really means I should do it soon.

Another issue I have had is my internet is being unpleasant. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the virus I had, or if its because I am using an old computer, but the internet and my computer are not on speaking terms. Or maybe the computer is speaking like a 2nd grader and the router is in college.

I will turn the computer on, and everything is fine, but suddenly I will not be online. If I wait a few minutes it comes back, most of the time. Then it will kick me off again. This morning has been the worst. It will not stay online in fact as I typed this (in a word document) the internet has connected and disconnected 5 times, in five minutes. Every time I attempt to check my email or get on Facebook, or even do a search, it kicks me off again.

I am used to my other computer, it is fast and loves our internet connection. They work well together, speaking the same language at the same level. I could easily open 5 tabs and look at all of them within moments. This one? It is slow and causes me to be patient. (Or pretend to be!)

Today I have been running up and down the stairs while I take care of Gwennie, who is sick. She woke up at 5am and threw up on me, then at 6 again. But really it was mostly just gagging on mucus. I took her temperature a little while ago, and it has risen to 100. Luckily a friend of mine was able to take Rhayn to school and will be taking Rhayn to gymnastics after school, too. (Ah the support, its been phenomenal!)

Update, even though I haven’t posted this yet. I don’t want to erase everything I have written, just because I am an idiot and you all want to read about how much of one I am.

The antenna on my wireless adapter was missing. I have no idea where it went, nor how long its been missing. So, I grabbed one off of another old computer in Will’s office (yes it’s a shrine to obsolete technology) and pushed it on my adapter. It isn’t screwed in, but its touching what it needs to touch to make it work. Yeah! Until I get my other computer working, at least I can surf the internet without being kicked off.

She just needs a friend.

We have had Blue for a week now, and I don't want to give him back just yet. Lily is in heaven with him by her side. They have even started sleeping next to each other. Both are sleeping through the night again. I don't feel so badly when I have to leave them both here all day without me. When its just Lily, I feel bad that she is alone in the backyard all day. But they seem to wear each other out.

Come on, aren't they cute on the bed together?

I do think that if we get another dog, I want a smaller one, one with smaller poop. Because Blue? His craps are ginormous!

Disorganized Thoughts

Bleh. That is how I feel. I mean, I have a lot going on in my head, but none of it wants to come out. Its all so random and odd. None of my thoughts flow into a cohesive anything. I want to write about my week, the dogs, joining a gym that Gwennie actually seems to like the childcare at. I want to write about my thoughts, my feelings, but that would involve being able to stop those thoughts and dissecting them and putting them back together in some semblence of order.

Instead I am going to say, that I love getting an entire day to hang out with a friend. I dislike dogs waking me up at 2 am because some silly spotted dog needs to pee. (She really did, as she ran butt down to the door to wait for me to let her out. It made me feel justified in walking downstairs to turn off the alarm before allowing her to go outside and then waiting for a few minutes whilst she peed.) I need to dust my house, everything is so dusty because of the wind. And finally, aside from the wind blowing, the weather today and yesterday was perfection.

Migraine: with visual disturbances

Gwennie and I went to a gym to sign up this morning. I had canceled my membership at the YMCA a month ago, I just felt like it was not being used. My main problem was that there were no classes offered during the day, unless I was over 65. Last time I checked, I am no where near that age.

We had a tour of the facility and I was surprised to find the fee was not much more than the Y's while they offer classes, and a lot of them, at times that I would be able to take them.

After leaving there, we went to Kohl's because I wanted to see if they had any shorts. Everything was going well, until I noticed that it felt like I had blinders on. I know that means I have about an hour (or less) until the throbbing pain of a migraine starts. We were about twenty minutes from home, and I could barely see. We walked the aisles for a little while, then left. I took some medication that I had in my purse, and hoped that the pain wouldn't be terrible.

At home, Gwennie and I watched a few movies, well, really she watched movies while I held an ice pack on the back of my neck and covered my eyes with my arm. At about two I got up and took more medicine hoping that the pain would be tolerable enough to go and get Rhayn from school. It was, I felt numb but able to drive and talk.

On the way to pick her up, Gwennie fell asleep. She slept all the way there, I carried her out of the car at home and she slept for three hours. I knew she was tired, and probably not feeling totally herself after that long illness a few weeks ago. But three hours? I am worried she will be up all night, when all I really want is to take some more medication and fall asleep early. I hope she won't mind watching another movie but what I really hope is that she will still go to sleep at a decent time.

Balance in phone calls

Will called today, and because of the rain, and knowing he would call, and just generally feeling pleasant, when he asked "How are you?" I was able to answer with an enthusiastic "Great!" (Feeling much like Tony the Tiger.) I had things to say, unlike sometimes when he calls and I feel drained and empty of coherent thought. I had had a nice nights' sleep. Gwennie and I had bought some tasty tomatoes at the farmer's market. The rain was falling pleasantly outside. I just felt refreshed.

I worry when we are on the phone that I might be too negative. I worry that I only tell him the bad things, like how difficult Gwennie has been lately, or how nasty that illness that they had last week was. I always try to think of positive stuff to say. I want to share the bad with him, too. I don't want him to think its all sunshine and daisies here, because he would know I am lying. But I want him to hear a nice balance of it. I need him to hear how much we wish he was here, how much we love him. But that even through it all, we are thriving and dealing. We are staying strong as a family and can not wait for this to be over.

Rain Rain Come and Stay!

It is raining today, and I am so happy about it. Rhayn stayed the night at a friend's house last night. Gwennie and I got up early and went to buy tomatoes at the farmer's market. I bought there purple cherry tomatoes and lets just say, I wish I had bought a lot more. They are the crack of tomatoes, so good, I can not stop popping them in my mouth. We had to bundle up for the farmer's market, the rain has brought cool temperature. But it was fun to wear our scarves one last time before the summer heat. The rain has made the dogs cuh-razy. I am watching my parents' Big Ole Blue dog, whilst they get to play with Alex's Human and Copperpot. He has been pretty good, aside from obsessing with my cats and crunching up under my bed. Lily adores him, and is trying to keep him occupied. Right now, they are trying to play in the house, because it is so wet outside. (Lily does not like the rain, or any cold, wet thing. Much like Bella in Twilight.)

Expedit

I am trying to organize our house. I am also in the process of getting rid of many toys and clothes. I guess it would be my spring cleaning. The house just seems so littered with crud. I found a few shelves I really liked at Ikea. Sure, this isn't solid wood, but it was so much cheaper than those would be. The biggest plus was that since Ikea's items do not come assembled, I was able to purchase it, and carry it upstairs a few pieces at a time before I assembled it. There are two separate shelves, one that is 5 cubes by 5 cubes, the other is 4 by 4.

I am still moving items around on the shelves. I really love that these shelves do not have a back, so the bright yellow wall color shows through. I was afraid that it would feel much to heavy if I bought some with backs. Also, I am able to showcase a few of Will's more cool Star Wars toys without worrying that the girls will take them out of the box.

My sewing area is just to the right of the shelves, and some of the shelving will be used to store fabric, hopefully in a way that looks nice and not cluttered.

I hate Tuesdays, but love Mondays.

Tuesdays are bad days, I see that now. Two weeks ago was the Day That Would Not End, it was a Tuesday, remember? Ah, I don't want to recall it. Today was similar, because I was already out at the end of playgroup, I ran into a few stores to get some basket goodies. Then we picked up Rhayn for gymnastics. Gwennie was being a troll, not listening in the morning, but so was the other girl in playgroup. I thought they were just feeding off of each other. Not so. Gwennie is just rotten through and through.

I dislike the three year old. It is my least favorite age. Gwennie is no longer my sweet little girl, she is a monster in disguise. I ask her to look at me, she refuses. I threaten and she still will not look at me. She screams at me, she hits. She doesn't want to do gymnastics any longer, even though I bought the costumes for the performance. I have six months paid for by Military Kids, but I dislike fighting with her, and I think we are done with it. I don't want to take Rhayn anymore, because that hour that I sit in the waiting room with Gwennie is the most miserable hour of my week. Gwennie hangs on me, she pulls me, she pokes me. I just want to walk away from her, but I have no where to go. Rhayn seems to love gymnastics, so we will keep going for her. I may let her try again next week, but if she doesn't behave she is done.

I can not continue on like this. I need a break. I need time away from her. At this moment I am done but it isn't quite bedtime.

This too shall pass, right? Its just a difficult time in all of our lives, and I am emotionally exhausted.

Standing there she stares down pretending I don’t exist.

Her small hands at her sides fists clenched her entire body clenched in a rage only known by the very young.

I take her face in my hands, trying to be a gentle parent trying unsuccessfully to be a better, bigger person.

I try to look into her eyes, to talk to her sweetly.

But her fury fills us both slowly seeping into my bones without my even knowing it. I did nothing to spawn this on, but know no way to calm her.

Instead we stand at a cross roads, unable to chose a path.

Each day we do this, each day it drains me more, until I am the breaking point.

Every morning I wake hoping today will be the day when she is angelic again.

When she once again stands there, fists clench, head down I know that she is a willful child and I need to relearn everything I ever thought I knew about children.

Its MUST be time to get a job.

Once my loving husband told me that if I ever started watching Oprah, it would be time for me to get a job. I admit to watching her show last week, because she went to the YFZ Ranch to visit with the FLDS. I am fascinated by them. I don't know if it is the dresses, hair and accent, or their unwavering love of their leader. I only caught the last fifteen minutes of her show, too. I think that being raised LDS and being asked if I was a polygamist has made me more interested in their story. They fascinate me. I can't help it. Although the more I learn the less I understand it. I understand the Amish more, with their desire to keep things simple, the FLDS embrace many of the things from today, while rejecting others. Dressing modestly isn't a bad thing, but the dresses are ugly and made from polyester (read article link from the word dresses above). Even the dresses the pioneers wore were more attractive than that. What is wrong with florals? What is wrong with an array of colors that are not always pastel? But I digress. (I can't help it, I like that word!)

This week Oprah has one of my favorite bloggers on with her other blogging buddies. I want to watch it, because these are funny ladies who are all making money from blogging. But I won't.

I don't like Oprah. I find her brash and judgmental, and totally not a common woman. She isn't married, has no children, probably has not cleaned any part of her house in ten years. I do not think she is god, like so many women seem to. I have taken a few of her book club suggestions and not even liked them. I just do not get her appeal. I could honestly go on and on about how much I dislike her and her show (and her minion, Dr. Phil.)

If you watch Oprah, can you tell me why? What about her intrigues you? Do you think she covers subjects clearly and concisely? Because honestly I would love to know what her appeal is.

Day 3

Day three of Gwennie's illness.

She is perfectly fine during the day, I mean aside from the fever. But as soon as the sun sets her temperature starts to soar, it peaked last night around 103.5.

She spends the night uncomfortable, so much so that ibuprofen doesn't seem to help. She tosses and turns and wakes up crying all night long. Her hot body presses next to mine then rolls violently to the other side of the bed. She pulls the blanket on, crying about being cold and then throws it off covered in sweat. She wakes, and in the saddest voice, barely croaking out, asks for water.

But the sun has risen two days in a row and she wakes up bright and happy. This morning, she snuggled me and told me she loved me, while scratching my back.

I am so afraid that I will get this. So afraid that the sore throat I have is going to turn into this virus. I am doing everything I can to avoid it. The last thing I want is to spend another week stuck at home with illness. My poor kids would be so very bored.

Rhayn seems better. She went for twelve hours or more without a fever, but we went out for a little while today and when we got home, her temperature was up to 100.3 again. She still has this really nasty sounding cough though. It sounds productive at least.

raw

i feel raw
everything i thought
and felt today
has ripped me
open,
wide open
and left
jagged
unhealing
edges.
i feel raw
and unable to
close the
wounds.
my box
that so tidily holds
emotions
was shattered.
my feelings
are naked
and laid upon
the table
for all to see.
because this time
holding in
the emotion
is much to much
for me
to do.
yet i sit here,
i sit here
staring out
wishing for
something
not even sure
what.
i want to contain
those emotions
box them back up
sealed
neatly
with a ribbon.
to feel numb
because the way
i feel
right now
it
hurts.

Our house is a DEN of viruses.

I suppose that because my girls have a virus, my computer was jealous. Because today it started acting very strangely. Every time I would try to access Pioneer Woman's website (no, I am not linking to her website) my computer would freeze. Odd, I know. She said she was having server issues, I assumed that it was high volume of traffic on her site. She was giving away a kitchen-aid mixer people!

My anti-virus scanner started telling me it was deleting viruses and I needed to restart my computer. Not a biggie, right. I did it, then again and again. I am pretty sure I restarted it five times or more, and nothing. NOTHING, it still showed the same issues, the same risks. I finally got on chat with the Norton folks because I started getting pop up after pop up saying that my email was not sent. Only they were emails to strange people, and with weird subjects like- "Free Tab.le.ts." and "Tab.le.ts for Men." It made me panic.

I broke down and started crying, because what am I supposed to do? My computer geek is on the other side of the world, and not available to fix my problems. I went through my list of people to call, first off my mom. Talking to her, telling her my problem was more just to calm myself down so that I could call a friend without losing it completely on the phone.

Then I called JG, but he didn't answer the only number I could find for him. I called AW. She walked me through a system restore, but that didn't solve it. I asked her if she saw JG if she could ask him to call me. (I might have said "Tell him to call me." Which is rude, but I was panicking folks, ok?) I sobbed a little more, then posted on Facebook, because I do that way too much, then turned off my computer for an hour.

Maybe it would magically fix itself, right? One can always hope. It didn't. I turned it back on, to check my life. I am tied to it. This is my link to the outside world whilst my girls have been sick. But I digress. JG called and said he can take my box home and see if he can fix it. This won't really cut me off from the world, since I do have another working box (its just older and slower) in the office. Yes, I have a back-up computer, don't you? So now I am going to disconnect this puppy and cross my fingers that the other box sets up easily.

And did you know, that the wind is whipping my house like a wicked child? It is. We have some nasty wind right now. Whoosh! I hope my trees withstand the wind, because I took a few of them off of the stakes.

Another One Bites the Dust

This afternoon, as I was preparing myself to go to the grocery store, I noticed that Gwennie was awfully cuddly with Rhayn. This isn't a big deal, because they were watching Robin Hood, and snuggling on the couch. I thought she was asleep so I put my hand on her head, and it was hot. A string of expletives ran through my head. This meant she was coming down with the dreaded illness. I took her temperature- sure enough it was 101.5. Joy. She wasn't yet throwing up, so if we ran to the store that might be alright. But the window was closing on when it could be done.

Rhayn was excited to get out of the house. She was feeling better, even though her temperature was still (and is still) hovering at 99.9 F. At the store, Gwennie laid her head on the handle (which I covered with a cloth grocery bag, they are so useful!) while we grabbed some milk and frozen fruit for smoothies.

We made it home with no problems. Gwennie curled up on the couch and promptly fell asleep and slept for about 2 hours. She peed and that woke her up. Luckily the pee only seeped onto the blanket she was on and not the couch.

I held Gwennie for a short time, and she was back asleep. She was in and out of sleep until 6:30. At 7 we came upstairs to read a story, and Gwennie burped, but I could tell she was about to blow. I asked her to hold it for a second and ran her into the bathroom. She threw up all over the carpet, backing away from it, before vomiting again. I put her in the shower while I took care of the rugs. Then helped her out and dried her off before reading Rhayn her story.

My fingers are crossed that this is the extent of the illness with Gwennie, one throw up session. Rhayn threw up every time she drank anything for about 24 hours, so I am tentatively giving Gwennie a sip or two every so often. She hasn't spewed in an hour.

Viruses need not apply.

I took Rhayn to the doctor, and we discussed her illness. He said her tonsils looked awful and did a strep test. That was negative. She apparently has a nasty stomach virus that is going around. Many of the students (and teachers) at her school have it.

The best part? The doctor said we have at least a few more days to look forward to, AND? She should get diarrhea soon. Yay! I just hope she starts feeling better. She has set up camp on the couch and has watched a months worth of television.

I think she is ready for my favorite movie to watch when I am sick, Anne of Green Gables.