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I hate Tuesdays, but love Mondays.

Tuesdays are bad days, I see that now. Two weeks ago was the Day That Would Not End, it was a Tuesday, remember? Ah, I don't want to recall it. Today was similar, because I was already out at the end of playgroup, I ran into a few stores to get some basket goodies. Then we picked up Rhayn for gymnastics. Gwennie was being a troll, not listening in the morning, but so was the other girl in playgroup. I thought they were just feeding off of each other. Not so. Gwennie is just rotten through and through.

I dislike the three year old. It is my least favorite age. Gwennie is no longer my sweet little girl, she is a monster in disguise. I ask her to look at me, she refuses. I threaten and she still will not look at me. She screams at me, she hits. She doesn't want to do gymnastics any longer, even though I bought the costumes for the performance. I have six months paid for by Military Kids, but I dislike fighting with her, and I think we are done with it. I don't want to take Rhayn anymore, because that hour that I sit in the waiting room with Gwennie is the most miserable hour of my week. Gwennie hangs on me, she pulls me, she pokes me. I just want to walk away from her, but I have no where to go. Rhayn seems to love gymnastics, so we will keep going for her. I may let her try again next week, but if she doesn't behave she is done.

I can not continue on like this. I need a break. I need time away from her. At this moment I am done but it isn't quite bedtime.

This too shall pass, right? Its just a difficult time in all of our lives, and I am emotionally exhausted.

Standing there she stares down pretending I don’t exist.

Her small hands at her sides fists clenched her entire body clenched in a rage only known by the very young.

I take her face in my hands, trying to be a gentle parent trying unsuccessfully to be a better, bigger person.

I try to look into her eyes, to talk to her sweetly.

But her fury fills us both slowly seeping into my bones without my even knowing it. I did nothing to spawn this on, but know no way to calm her.

Instead we stand at a cross roads, unable to chose a path.

Each day we do this, each day it drains me more, until I am the breaking point.

Every morning I wake hoping today will be the day when she is angelic again.

When she once again stands there, fists clench, head down I know that she is a willful child and I need to relearn everything I ever thought I knew about children.


4 comments:

bodaat said...

Eeesh, I'm sorry that today wasn't the best of days. Maybe your parents can take her for an afternoon so you can get a break? I can also do that if you'd like. :)

Mo said...

I can so relate. As I write I have my three year old in time out AGAIN! She has been in time out for most of the day, or at least it feels that way. She is constantly testing and pushing me these days and I find it so hard to hold it all together. Tough days, more so for you than for me. I feel your pain. :(

BrieP said...

I can watch her some time. when Madders and her get together they are pretty good. Maybe next time stacey and I go to the zoo we can take her.

Pen-nut said...

Hang in there!! It does get better. With strong willed kids there will always be days (I know I have one), but at least as they get older the days are further between.

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