In two short months you will be three. Already in my mind I think of you are three, because you are closer to that than two now. But I need to stop and remind myself that you are really still two. Especially when you through one of those big two-year-old temper tantrums.
Since you still are not using the potty consistently when you have panties on, most days you run around bare bottomed. Occasionally an accident still happens, but usually its just a little pee, and not the other stuff. I want you to be potty trained, but when I am feeling rational I know I shouldn’t try to rush you. It is just that for the past four months you have used the potty easily when your tushy is naked.
This summer has felt like an eternity, but maybe not to you. You love having sister home during the day. Most days you will happily follow her from room to room, wanting to be with her. You long to sleep in her room, and some nights I will find you curled up in her arms asleep when I go to bed. If only you would use the potty, I told you that we will move you into sister’s room when you wear panties and stay dry all day. It almost happened once.
Recently I was holding you, after you had fallen down. As I comforted you I glanced at your feet. Those feet, that once were only as long as my hand is wide, have grown huge over time. They have lost the baby pudginess that they once had, at least from the side. As I looked at your feet, I realized that you are getting so very big, and so very grown up. You talk nonstop and make a lot of sense. I love listening to your stories. (Lately they are about unicorns, lions, and a girl.)
Another way that you are so very grown up, is that you rarely ask for “Gup.” In fact one day you asked me for “Mommy’s booby milk.” It was such a grown up way to ask, and you didn’t even want any. My breasts ache just a little knowing that I will probably never hold you to them for comfort again. In some ways I am so alright with it, in others, I am so saddened. I still have milk, even if just a little, and every now and then I feel the fullness from it. But it quickly fades. Sometimes when you are crying because you are hurt, I feel that ache deep within, the start of let down, something I stopped feeling so very long ago.
In a few weeks school starts again, and this time I will go to college. I will make myself, because I know how much better off I will be, as a person and as a mother, if I have that little bit of time for me. I need it. I now you will be fine when you have to go to child care of whatever sort I find for you. But I know I will miss you, and maybe that will be good for both of us, I remember how much more I appreciated Rhayn when I worked and she was at daycare. I remember picking her up and just wanting to hold her so very close. You will only be in care for a few hours every morning. I almost wish you could go to preschool at the school. Maybe next year you will be able to and I will take more classes. For now, though, we will find someone (I hope) whom you will love being with for those few hours.
I love you,