Just not right now.

Last night Rhayn got sick, all over my toilet nook. After that she said she felt better, and went to bed. Gwennie tried to sleep with her, but was keeping Rhayn awake. Finally I made Gwennie come in my room. She screamed for a good twenty minutes, "I won't talk a sister! I won't talk a Rhayn! I want to sleep wiff Rhayn!" I read while she yelled. Pretty typical ofher night time fits.

But then she said it "I don't love you, Mommy." (Picture her with arms crossed and pout on her face whilst she said this.)
Huh? "What did you say Gwennie?"
"I don't love you, Mommy."
"Do you love Rhayn?"
"Yes."
"What about Daddy?"
"Yes, I love Daddy."
"What about me?"
"I will love you in the morning-time."
"But you don't love me right now?"
"No."
"Good to know."
After which I buried my head in the pillow and giggled for a minute. I had tried to act sad and pretended to cry. But that gave way to true giggling.

The Dream Sequence

When I was younger I used to make up dream scenarios and then tell them to certain people. I did this to see how they would react. It was a way to protect my pride. If, say, in a dream I was married to a certain someone (that I really liked) it was just a dream, right. It wasn't like I was really telling him how I felt. But I could tell him about the "dream" jokingly to gauge a reaction. This worked pretty well, I found out that a certain guy I had been dating didn't love me or think he ever would, and he felt badly that I might love him. I left. It was easier that way. I shut him off.

I was also a master of running away. I ran from so many people. I ran away from friends, from lovers, from people who could have been important to me, had I let them in. I didn't want to get hurt, so I ran. Sometimes I even ran from a whole state to get away from those feelings and fears of hurt. If you ask my old friend DB he would tell you that.

I don't use the dream strategy anymore. I have never used it on Will for some reason. I have never had to, he has always been fairly easy to read in that sense, and I know he would never lead me on like that other guy had. I don't run from people anymore either. Its nearly impossible to do that with children. However I did run from Will once, and I am still paying for it. I will always pay for that because I hurt him and hurt me, and made both of us have a hard time trusting the other. Its one of those things I will forever regret.

I was wondering what strategies did you use to protect your heart.

The Green Demon

There is a sick, sad little part of me that is so jealous of Will. Not jealous about other women, but that beast does rear her ugly head occasionally (because I think Will is so hot.) No, this is the he doesn't have to deal with these brat children, and he is having all of these experiences, without me, monster. Tonight as we spoke, he said he was headed out with a friend to get pizza. And this part of me, the mean part, was mad. I want him to sit there in his room and pine for us. A good portion of my time is spent like that. Every night when I put the girls to bed I think about him, what he is doing (probably sleeping) and wishing he was here. Some times I wish he was here, just so that I could get away from the kids for a moment. Sometimes I wish he was here, so that we could do what married couples do. And sometimes I just want to not be alone.

The other part of the jealousy is simply that every time he goes away for something he grows, in many ways. And we aren't doing any of it together. He learns new things, I am doing the same damn thing I have been doing for a year. He meets new people, well I guess I have met a few new people but none of them are the same people. I worry that he will have changed, he won't be the Will that left, and I will still be the person I was before. And maybe he won't want me anymore. Deployment scares me for this reason, more than any other*. I know often wives leave their husbands while they are away. The homebound spouse gets lonely and ends up finding solace in the guy next door. But I fear that he will leave me because he will realize (as he will have months to think) that we aren't really right for each other, that we have to work to hard to be happy, and it isn't worth it.

After his trip to Washington DC, he came home with all of these things that he did. And I was so sad because he and I? We have done so little together. I want to experience things with him. I want to be the one he turns to. He saw Phantom of the Opera. (He has seen it before, too.) But I have never seen it, and would love to. I love the soundtrack. If you could listen to my inner playlist, those songs, especially Think of Me are top in the rotation.

When he came home for Arkansas, he was different. Maybe it was that someone else was able to get him to dance. I love to dance, but he and I have never danced, not even a slow song in the comfort of our own living room. He came home and told me things that I didn't know. And it was painful. But we both agreed, at that point that we wanted it to work. I just feel like those things, the things that were wrong then will never be changed or fixed.

Every time we speak on the phone, for a moment I feel closer to him than I ever have. But whenever we hang up, I feel so broken. I wonder if all of this is crazy stuff in my head. I wonder if any of it has a basis in reality, or is something that I should worry about. I only know that I want us to work. I want to be his wife and the person he turns to. I want him to love me completely, but I want to be someone deserving of that love. And maybe all of this is really me not feeling like I measure up to what he needs and/or wants.

*I think it is weird that I feel this way, maybe it is that by projecting my fear into this, instead of him being injured or killed, I am better able to deal with the deployment.

And this is a hard post to write, and to push the publish button on. There are a lot of raw emotions and fears here. And it all seems to be stuff that I can't, at this moment do anything about.

MamaMonday: Impress(ion)

It was January 29th, 2000.

I called this guy, Mike's house. We had known each other for years, fooled around a little, hung out a lot. He was always nice to me, and I enjoyed his and his friends' company. But this night, he wasn't home. Instead the voice on the other end of the line would change my life forever.

It wasn't a long talk, he told me to come on over, Mike would be back later, they were just hanging out drinking. I stopped at Circle K on the way to get coffee. Then drove my piece of crap car on over. I walked to the apartment, not going to the door, everyone was on the patio. I hopped up and sat down, and was introduced to him, the changer of my life. "I'm Will." He introduced me to his friend R, but I had met him long ago, in another life, at Mike's old apartment.

What was the first impression like? He was good looking, and so not like the other guys there. He seemed more together, but then- he was with R... so that might not mean anything.

Will and I talked about many things that night. I got the sense that he was a good person. I wanted to get to know him better. I gave him my number. But then Mike came home, and I felt in a way like his property. I mean, really I had come over to be with him. I wanted his companionship that night. I stayed there that night, with him. (No, Mike and I never had sex, he was alway a gentleman to me, and never tried to push that on me. He just really seemed to enjoy having a warm body next to him in his bed.)

I had been wrong so many time with those first impressions. So many men had seemed like good people, they really made me feel special, but it all went to hell all to quickly. Would Will live up to that expectation? I assumed he would never call me, I mean would you call some chick (or dude) who gave you her (his) number then kissed on and held hands with another man (woman) all night? Would you? I probably wouldn't have. I can tell you that I was completely shocked when he called me later that week and asked me out.

Years have gone by, and I wonder what his real first impression of me was. Did he just find me cute, and figure I would be entertaining? Did I come across really well? I know he told me that I was interesting, and not like the bimbos (that is not the term we used- it was bippy twat) that Mike usually brought home. I have never viewed myself as a bimbo, but can be an air head.

What was your very first impression of your mate? Did they make your toes curl the moment you met them? Did you know that they were the one from the second your eyes met across a smoky room? Were you set up by friends? Were you friends before you realized they were the perfect person, and you had wasted all of this time with other people?

I did not know he was the one until the second date. By then I was smitten. I knew I loved him, but having been hurt multiple times in the past I was afraid to tell him. I have always been fearful of those three little all important words. Fearful of what they mean to me, and to the other person. I am still afraid to tell Will, afraid it will hang in the air, unanswered and festering fast, even though I know he loves me. I only hope he knows how much I love him.

Did you forget that I love you? But more importantly, did I forget?

What have you done for Labor Day weekend? Me? Well, Will and I had a big talk. It seems that we are not a "happily married couple." We need something, and the disconnect I talk about often has finally hit Will, too. He actually brought up the conversation. He told me he isn't happy and can tell that I am not happy, and we need to change that. Although it was a painful conversation, it was a good one. We don't have a solid plan, but we do have some ideas on how to make our relationship better.

The biggest one is spending time together. We don't do that. Seriously, we go out, on average, three times a year (just the two of us) these are my birthday, his birthday and our anniversary. Now how can a strong and loving relationship be built by a couple who rarely spend time doing things together? It can't. We currently have no similar hobbies, or interests. But those are things that we plan on working on.

Another one, of course is talking. I am not a talker. I know that if you read my blog, you probably think that I talk A LOT. I don't. I am guarded and rarely tell other people how they affect me. Will, being a man, is the same. We usually let things get so bad, that a fight starts this type of conversation.

For me, I need to work on being and acting more happy.
For him, (and this is actually something I have to police for him) he can't play World of Warcraft every day.

Now we really have to enlist the help of those around us. We need to find a local babysitter, and use my family more. Part of our problem lately has been that money is tight. But I think that our relationship is more important than money. So what if we have to just take a walk around that park close to us? We just need to make sure that every few weeks we get at least a few hours out, alone. If the girls were a little older we could just leave them home, while we walk around our neighborhood. I think those types of walks are what has kept my parents happily married for many years. I know that they have had these problems, too. I know that most people do. It is hard to totally stay connected with a partner who leads a different life than you do. I don't work outside of the home, my life 99% revolves around this house and the people inside of it. Will's life is on a different path. He has many other things in it, that keep him walking a different path. We just need to make those paths cross, if only for a few hours a day.

Most of all, I need to say "I love you" to him. I need to remind him and myself why we are married, why we are parents, and why we want to stay that way. Because I do love him, even if I never say it, or show him. For some reason, that is just something I am not good at. But luckily it is something I think I can work on, and perfect.

With Rhayn starting school this week, we have been busy. It seems like the days zipped by!

Gwen is not taking very well to Rhayn at school. I am pretty sure it has caused a resurgence of separation anxiety! She follows me around crying "my mama" and it just breaks my heart. The worst was on Friday Will took the day off, and he went to pick Rhayn up at school. Gwen put on her shoes and reported that she was going, but daddy said no. So she stopped in her tracks and cried "My DaDa!" until I was able to distract her.

I borrowed a book from the library called the "No Cry Sleep solution" Her ideas follow mine in parenting, from breastfeeding to co-sleeping. She doesn't talk down to bottle-feeders, and every thing I have read in the book so far seems perfect for the way I feel. I need to get the Toddler version of it, though. Last night I tried to use some of the ideas she has for getting Gwen to sleep. I have always gotten discouraged because she cries when I remove nipple from her mouth. She cries, "No! No! No! need GUP!" Mrs. Pantley has suggestions on how to slowly take that away, and make nighttimes easier.

The main thing that I found last night was that Gwen is terrified of the dark. We brushed teeth, then read a book and lay down in her bed and had gup for a few minutes. Then when she slowed down I took it away. She cried, we shooshed and talked a little. Then I turned off the light, she panicked. I pulled out the glow worm, but turned off its music. She didn't like that. So I turned the music on and we listened to it for about ten minutes. After that she was pretty calm. We snuggled and had more gup. I kept taking it away every minute or so, giving it back if she was upset about it. Then finally after 30 minutes of bedtime routine, she was asleep.

The book states that we let our children get overtired before settling them in for the night. We found this with Rhayn. She goes to be at 7 pm. It was a bedtime suggested by her school for kindergarteners (and first graders) because it takes them time to relax from a long day, and children age 6-9 need about 10 hours of sleep at night. Most American children get barely 8, we are causing a lot of the ADD and ADHD problems for our children because they are overtired. So since I know that Rhayn's demeanor changed drastically when we started implementing an earlier bedtime. Why wouldn't I do that for Gwen? What is it that made me think she didn't need that? I mean we usually brush teeth with Rhayn and read a story all together, but then, Gwen comes with me downstairs to hang out with dada and watch tv. I need to make her go to bed at that time to. The reasons are two-fold. One, Gwen will get better sleep and therefore be more likely to be good all day the next day (and nap better which will in turn help her sleep the next night) and also if she is asleep I will get to snuggle with Will on the couch while we watch tv, and our relationship could use that!

This is the beginning of a journey. I know it will not be easy, but it will be worth it, so very worth it.

Taking Time

I don't think Will and I take enough time for us. Especially with our roommate. We haven't really spent any time together lately. Even our mornings have been interrupted by Gwennie. I am pretty sure she is sick, AGAIN, but still I wish she would stay asleep when I am not in there with her. I am working on it.

Tonight we are fighting. Well I thought it was joking, and I guess I took it a step too far. So Will isn't talking to me, and I have given up on trying to get him to talk. I hate going to bed without saying "I'm sorry" and he won't even look at me (even turned his head when I tried to give him a goodnight kiss.)

I know it will all be ok, we will get over it. It is just crap in the moment. Plus, I hate fighting in front of people, and Rocky was in the room when it went sour.

Ok, yes, we fight in front of the girls occasionally. I mean, how can you not? I think its good for them to see that Mama and Daddy can get upset with each other and disagree, but in the end they still love each other and will work it out. I know my parents disagreed in front of us, and because they did, I usually do not feel like the world will end when Will and I argue.

I am off to bed now. Gwennie is fussing, and I need sleep. We have a big day planned tomorrow.

Mama Says Om: Remember

I love you, even though I never tell you. I need you to know, I need to say it, but its scary. I don't know why it is. I have no problem saying it to others, and you are the same way. Is that something wrong with us? Is not saying "I love you" part of our problem?

I do love you, and you should know that.

I remember the night we met so clearly. I remember calling the apartment you were partying at, and talking to you. I may not remember what exactly was said, but I remember that you were very nice. I remember stopping to get coffee on the way to the apartment, so that I wouldn't fall asleep while I was there.
I remember walking up to the apartment, and seeing your friend Rocky, whom I had met before. Then I saw you. I was attracted to you immediately, even though you were totally not what I thought of as my type. I remember our shoes, yours were brown Docs in the wing tip fashion, mine were cheap black wingtips. I remember talking to you, walking to your car to get those sticks that you are your buddies would soon be beating on each other with. I remember taking that shot of Saki (and how bad it tasted with the coffee I had been drinking.) I remember giving you my number, and thinking you would never call.

I remember that you did call, the next weekend, and we went out and had a great time. I think that I loved you right away.

mama says om: Remember