Yesterday

I didn't sleep well Wednesday night. My silly dreams about baby kept waking me up or maybe it was the stuffed up head. I'm not sure. Regardless I got up on Thursday morning and Natalie and made the drive to Tucson. 

We arrived early, of course. I didn't know exactly how much time to allow for the drive.

My mom met us there. The lady took us back to the nicest ultrasound room I have ever seen. Instead of a doctor's exam table to lay on, there was a full size bed. Directly in front of the bed is a big screen television to watch the ultrasound on. No twisting my neck to watch the baby. There was enough room in that room for a huge family.

First came the warm jelly. The the whoosh whoosh whoosh of a baby's heartbeat- 144 beats per minute, perfect. Then my little wiggle worm kept moving, making it very hard to find out if it was a girl or boy. Finally the lady paused the picture. "I thought I caught a few glimpses of this but here you can see it. There is her little butt and it is most definitely a girl." Of course I felt a huge amount of sadness. I was 100% sure this one was a boy.

After that we had about 20 minutes of her showing us some great shots of baby girl's face. Natalie kept saying "Awww. baby sister!" and calling her "Abby". (We are mostly decided on a name and it probably isn't Abigail.)

We went out to the lobby and waited for the DVD to finish processing. I texted a few people to let them know it is another sweet girl. Then we went out to lunch and to do a little shopping.

I am still not sure how I feel about this being a 4th girl. I know that girls are great, but there is a part of me that will always be sad that I never get to have a son. I really wanted one. I know I will love this girlie just as much as the others. I know that I will be happy with her, and she is healthy... but still I need to mourn the loss of the son I will never have. And I need to allow myself to do that... and soon. Because I haven't yet. I just don't know how to do allow myself to feel that- to REALLY feel it.