A whole TMI post

I am so weepy today. Tears won't stop pouring out at weird times and for no reason. I feel silly, but I also feel overwhelmed and really sore, no not sore, pained down below.

Pushing a nearly 9 pound baby out proved a little much for my girl parts. Since I already had huge hemorrhoids those were compounded but I also have a few skid marks that until last night were not bothering me too much. Apparently a sitz bath was NOT a good idea, it opened up a couple of the skid marks and now it burns like you wouldn't believe when I pee. I also thin that making that second trip down stairs last night was a bad idea. I could not stay up. I tried because I knew it was a bad idea to come back down. I wanted to spend some time with Will. He is here to help me, but he has to work as well.

Back to my 'roids. It hurts to sit flat on my butt because they are so huge and my bottom is unpadded. Also I haven't pooped yet. I am terrified to poop. This morning I sort of feel like I might need to (yesterday I didn't at. all.) I'm giving myself a pep talk about it (a poop talk if you will.) I know that the longer I go without doing that, the harder it will be. I wish that I had someway to ensure that my poop would come easily. I remember taking a stool softener in the hospital with Rhayn. I really wish I had some right now. I don't recall this being an issue after Gwennie. I am pretty sure I didn't write about this sort of thing on my blog back then so even if this was an issue I didn't write about it. That whole hemorrhoid/pruitis ani/itchy anus/colonoscopy thing 2 years ago took away all of my rectal dignity on here. Speaking of which, that itchy butt problem came back the last few weeks of my pregnancy, too. That was miserable. I am pretty sure that was due to it heating up in Arizona.

Last night was miserable, its hard to get comfortable when your butt hurts and you can't stop crying. I tried writing about it, and it helped a bit. I don't know if I should worry about the weepiness yet. It isn't that I feel like the world is ending. I do feel empty, but that is more of a physical thing (looking at my deflated nearly back to normal abdomen.)

I don't feel stir crazy in our house yet, but last night I HAD to clean the kitchen because it was messy and we have these miserable little flies all over the kitchen- some are fruit flies but some are just little flies that come out of the soil of our potted plants. This is an easy fix, you cover the soil with a 1/4 inch of sand. It makes them unable to hatch out of the eggs that are in the soil. Well they can hatch but can not get out. Its not our first infestation of these buggers. I plan to have Gwennie help me fix that later on this morning. I also need to water my garden, but that simply turning on a faucet for 20 minutes and I probably should do that this evening.

This post is longer than I thought it would be, and again I could go on and on because there are many other things that are making me miserable at the moment, but I am going to take this advice, that used to hang in my mom's bedroom-

Quiet down cobwebs

Dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby
and babies don't keep.

Lily

Dogs are fascinating creatures. We didn't have one when Gwennie was born. We did have a rather dog-like cat named Beckham. He stayed close to me while I was in labor until, during a strong contraction, I squeezed him a little bit too hard. He stayed back from me, but I remember seeing him once in a while during the birth.

Lily stays with her people most of the time. She loves people, but that is part of why we, as humans, love dogs isn't it? I had watched a Nova called Dogs Decoded and they talk about how dogs help us release oxytocin, which is the natural hormone that pitocin is based on. Pitocin is used to induce labor in the hospital. It is also the drug our bodies release as we nurse our new babies that totally makes us fall in love with them.I was curious how Lily would act during the labor and birth. At the beginning of labor Pam was listening to Natalie via the doppler, Lily was in the room. She kept cocking her head and trying to figure out what that sound was. For the rest of the night whenever the doppler was used, no matter how quietly Pam listened to it, Lily would get up and come over to make sure everything was ok. Lily spent the labor on this special dog bed that Gwennie had made her in my room (its 3 old pillows with a blanket over it. Pictured below. Usually the dog blanket is spread out over the pillows, this is after a lot of doggy pacing.)Later on, as Pam was sewing up the tear I had, Lily stood by the bed. I petted her head gently until it hurt. I yanked on poor Lily's face, as Pam sprayed some numbing stuff on me before checking out the damage. Lily left for a minute but kept coming back to make sure I was doing alright (or maybe just because she was curious).

Lily is not sure what she thinks of Natalie. She doesn't like the crying. This morning I was changing a diaper and she was screaming because she hates the cold on her butt. Lily kept backing away. She would sit a watch Nataline for a second. Then as the crying continued she moved back a few feet and watched again. She eventually headed upstairs to get away from the sound.

Natalie

I want to write this while its still fresh in my mind. It might be a little messy since I have had a total of 1 1/2 hours of sleep since sometime yesterday morning.

We welcomed our baby girl, Natalie Jadzia (it sounds just like it looks) at 3:31am on March 29th. She weighed 8 pounds 12 ounces and was 22 inches long. I don't have any idea who she looks like. Its not Gwennie for sure. Her hair is brown and I have yet to get a really good look at her eyes.

Am I disappointed that she is SHE? Honestly no. Maybe later I will mourn the boy I will never have. But there was always a part of me that knew she was HER. Besides girls are more fun. All those little dresses? I can not wait to make her some.

All weekend I had been having some bloody show. Just a little spotting and the occasional chunk when I would have a painful contraction. There was never any regularity to the contractions until Sunday night. They were painful enough to wake me up every 30 minutes. When I got out of bed Monday morning I was so exhausted and so ready to meet our baby. But also I was scared because those contractions hurt and I knew they were nothing. I started to despair and posted about my feelings of hopelessness on Facebook. I had so many positive responses it was like an online Blessingway and that helped me out a few times later on.

Pam LM called me because she had something she needed to do Monday morning. She thought I was probably getting ready to go into labor or maybe in early labor (though she never mentioned that, her caution and phone calls clued me in.) After the entire morning and most of the afternoon went by with nothing more than sporadic, painful contractions with no more regularity, she and I decided that she would come over in the evening and we would see what was going on in there, and she'd "rough up my cervix".
I emailed my mom and dad a heads up on what was going on. I also asked for a Father's Blessing. I know I am not an active member of the LDS church, but years of receiving them and the benefits has given me a strong belief in blessings. I knew I would need it to get through the night. I also really wanted my mom and dad to be at the birth, for me, for the girls, for the baby.

My parents arrived before six, and Pam LM and her student Alicia arrived a little after 6. We went upstairs and Pam checked me, I think she said I was 80% effaced and a stretchy 2. That made me sad. I worried that I nothing would come of the cervical man-handling, after that would be either castor oil or artificial rupture of membranes. I wanted to avoid castor oil because I was already suffering from some really gnarly hemorrhoids. After Pam stripped my membranes nothing much seemed to happen for an hour or so. I continued to have my semi-regular contractions.
I am not sure what time I noticed the increase in pain. The "surges" started coming every 2-3 minutes though they were lasting a little bit shorter and I was still sort of talking through them. I lay in our front room with Gwennie while she played with a LeapPad and breathed through them for a while. I also have no idea (though I think it was around 9ish) that I headed upstairs and got into the shower.

For what felt like an eternity I went from the shower's hot stream on my back, to Will putting pressure on my back to sitting on the toilet, to the above crouch. I wasn't comfortable at all and by 1am I really felt like giving up. I asked Pam to check me. I was 100% effaced but still *maybe* 3 cm. I felt discouraged but at that point things were progressing.

I remember thinking that I was still putting my clothes on after the shower, and I was still able to listen to what every one was saying at that point. I was starting to doubt my body's ability to bring the baby out, but there was no going back. I continued my round about coping and was by 2 am making wretched noises, rather like a cow dying. Pam and Alicia kept reminding me to make low sounds, to breath deeply and try not to let the next surge get ahead of me. There were times when I felt my entire body clench up, Pam slowly stroked my back reminding me to let the tension go.

Some time around 2, I felt the surges change. But I was not going to accept that. By 2:40 I was no longer clothed and was laying on the bed moaning in a towel. I didn't know it, but it was almost time to meet our baby.
Pam checked me, and I was a stretchy 8 with a bulging bag of water. She said she could break it, but knew I didn't want her to. I had only meant that I didn't really want to use AROM as a way to start labor. This was totally different and at that point I was all for it. She asked me to try to break the bag myself during the next surge. But nothing happened. She and Alicia set up the chux pads and got out the crochet hook. It didn't take much and with the next few pushes it felt like so much water came out. Luckily for us all it was clear.

I tried pushing on my back on the bed. It felt good at first but over a few surges I felt like jumping up. I ended up on the floor where I had been a few times before. I think I was trying to put my head in the corner because that had helped a few times in the shower.

Someone went to get Rhayn, she wanted to watch this part, though we had sent her to bed to get some sleep hours before. I felt hands on me, as I pushed as hard as I could. It didn't feel like the baby was coming out, and suddenly I felt that pain as (what we late found out was) 14 inches of head filled me. I gave small pushes, trying to be slow as Pam and Will guided the baby out. (I have some great pictures of this thanks to my mom!)

Moments later I heard Pam telling Will that they were checking for cord around the neck as well as hands. (There was no cord that I know of but Pam held the hand in until the head and shoulders were out.)
Then, swoosh, there she was. Will handed me a disgustingly vernix covered fat baby. I heard him say "her". But I did have to check just to make sure. While I was holding my freshly born baby she pooped on me.I held her for a while, laying on the floor. Rhayn was able to cut the cord, just like she wanted.

Alicia helped me into the shower so I could clean up before we weighed Natalie. You could tell she was at least 8 pounds, her cheeks are so perfectly round and squishy. However we were all shocked that she was actually 8 pounds 12 ounces. No wonder I was so uncomfortable. That is 12 ounces bigger than Gwennie. Rhayn was 6 pounds 14 ounces. My mom's biggest chunk-a-lunk was just a few ounces bigger, too. I had to have a few stitches right next to my episiotomy scar from Rhayn. That hurt a lot. Then Pam and Alicia cleaned up a bit and were out of our house just a little after 6. I slept, but barely. Natalie kept gagging on something and it made me too anxious to sleep. Plus it is just hard to sleep after birth. I remember that clearly, when the whole house napped after Gwennie's birth and I was wide awake until 11pm.

I am not allowed to get up and move around too much, so I am resting in bed. I plan to nap a little now and then go back over this later. I am sure it is filled with misspellings and grammatical errors that I will want to fix.

Almost 41 weeks and 43 inches

I am at a breaking point. After last night and that lack of sleep, I just feel miserable. Tomorrow marks 41 weeks. Not a big deal at all. Really I knew it was possible to go this far. But all weekend I've had contractions that HURT. I don't think they are "braxton hicks" or anything, they really hurt. But never did they get any pattern to them.

I have cried enough today that its just miserable. I have managed to avoid the crying headache that I usually get.

Pam LM has been on the phone and Facebook with me all day, trying to help me at least feel calm. I don't feel calm. Every contraction makes me curl and cry harder because how in the world am I going to do this? She offered to come over and at least check if there has been any progress and to strip my membranes if nothing else.

I feel like a failure though. I totally feel like I've given up on everything I wanted for this birth and how could I do that? I also feel like a failure because I feel like I have let the family down. This baby should have come on his/her own by now. We should have been adjusting to life as a family of 5 instead of them dealing with me, in this zombie state that I have lived in for the past... who knows how long.

This pregnancy has been so much different than how I imagined it and pictured it. I suppose it has been about acceptance. I know in a few weeks when I look back (ok, maybe in a few months) on this time, I will feel differently about it all. Maybe I will see that I learned something from this. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

40 weeks 6 days

Last night I spent the night in pain. I slept fitfully in maybe 20-30 minutes increments as I had painful contractions every 30 minutes. Laying in bed hurt more than sitting up during them, but as soon as I fell asleep I would ooze back down to my side. Every contraction made me need to pee, and I am a little sore from that, too. Oh, and they put pressure on my backside and hello hemorrhoids. Every time I wiped it was pink or rusty red.

Needless to say, I am so exhausted this morning and totally depressed. I also thought that was "it", that they would keep up and continue to get closer throughout the day until sometime this afternoon, we would welcome our new family member.

Nope. I got up had 2 more in that "regular" pattern and then they've gone away. (Unless I need to pee.) I can stand and sit and move around and get nothing.

Will took Rhayn to school, and I am so grateful for that. I couldn't imagine sitting in a car for half an hour whilst driving her. I can barely focus while writing this and sitting here.

And also... the kitchen is such a mess. We had rice last night and the floor is covered in it. (Its easier to let it dry overnight than to try to sweep up wet rice.)

Why won't labor come? Why doesn't this baby want to be born? How much pain do I need to go through? Seriously if the contractions I had last night are what I am in for and they last for 24 hours, I don't know if I can do it at home drug-free. I feel overwhelmed by it, and not like I will come away strong, but like it would break me. But then I want to be strong. I know that I will come away feeling like a warrior when its all over... if I can just get through it.

40 weeks 5 days

I went for a walk this morning, hoping to maybe kick start labor. After having bloody show yesterday and then sporadic contractions all day I was so sure I would wake up today to either a new baby or at least some kind of labor. I did have contractions every 20 minutes from 4am until 6am but I slept between them. Also the walk only did one thing, it caused me pain. Not labor pain, I am talking pelvis splitting pain.

I'm starting to worry about labor now. If it hurts this much to move, how will I ever make it through labor? Is it worth the pain that I know is coming? Is it worth putting my family through seeing me in pain. Gwennie is already afraid of it, she wants her Grandpa here to keep her away, but she has a back up plan of going to our friends' house in case I start screaming. (Her words, her idea.)

I've had quite a few contractions over the past 48 hours, and. they. hurt. Instead of feeling at peace with all of my choices, I feel more and more fearful of everything. I know that not being able to relax is contributing to this baby still being inside. Just like last time, stress is keeping me pregnant. Baby is still moving and is still head down and in a favorable position for birth.

I just do not want to take the steps we took last time, I'm not at peace with that idea either. I/we have no reason to "induce" this labor. Will isn't going to be gone (at least not until April 7th) so I still have time. But everything is on hold. Everything is a waiting game, and I am tired of waiting and hurting.

This post could keep going, on and on. I feel so whiny and irritated. But I'll stop now and try to relax a little, maybe it will help.

Ewok's Night Out

In the grand tradition of Larry the Lobster and Xena, last night's excursion included two Ewoks.

The Ewoks met at a Denny's. They listened to some really crappy music to get excited about going out. They danced to the beat of "Drop it Like its Hot" by Snoop Dogg. Shopping was on the agenda next. Both Ewoks felt that this tuft was lovely though a little large for their Ewok village.Next up? Dinner. Chips and salsa. Mmm. Dinner lasted a long time. There was a lot of joking about old times in the village as well as a recent trip to Vegas where there was some serious Ewok drama.
The Ewoks had a comfy seat on the way home.
They finished their night off with Nutella cookies, though there was no milk to dip them in.

40 weeks 4 days

Every day I look for signs that labor is getting ready to start. Every day, all day.

Last night I was having a few contractions that I had to stop and breath through. It felt like the world went dark or blurry for about 30 to 60 seconds. So I started to get excited, or as excited as one can get when facing serious pain that could go on for hours. Then they fizzled out.

This morning I woke up to "bloody show". I know that could mean labor will start but it isn't indicative of that. Though having something, anything, happen is exciting. Up until now there hasn't been a whole lot going on.

I should get up and do something, maybe go for a walk or short hike (it will be a perfect day for that!) I feel energetic... though my pelvis still feels like it just might split in half if I move wrong so maybe a hike is a bad idea.

Argh, I am so ready to be done and terrified of it at the same time.

40 weeks 3 days

I don't think I could be more ready for this baby. I guess there are always things that could be done, like clean carpets, and total reorganization of the house. But honestly it hurts to move too much so I've been taking it easy this pregnancy.

Every day feels like a ticking time bomb, or maybe its ME that feels like a ticking time bomb. I can not believe that its Friday and I am 40 weeks and 3 days along today. I can not believe this little one is not following my "normal" pregnancy pattern.

Yes, I am 100% sure that my EDD was Tuesday. I had a really early ultrasound, like at 6 weeks to check for viability. My original EDD (based on my cycle) was March 19th, but the 22nd sounded better.

I have a midwife appointment that I had really hoped to cancel this morning at 11. I am trying so hard to be patient and to allow this baby to come when s/he's ready. But that has to be the hardest thing since waiting those 2 weeks to take a pregnancy test. (Something I have NEVER been good at, I think I waited like 8 days, before I peed on that first stick. It was at 10 that I had the first faint line. Can not believe that was so long ago!)

Bear with me everyone, I am trying to be positive... but it gets harder as each day passes and this baby gets bigger, and bigger. (Did I mention my fear of a 10 pounder? Its there at the back of mind... if s/he stays in much longer s/he'll just get bigger and I already expected at least 8 1/2 pounds, which I think I could handle.)

40 weeks 1 day along.

Gwennie thought Lily should be the "Big Sister".

EDD

I know, I didn't post yesterday. You all thought I went into labor and had a baby, didn't you? (Unless you are on Facebook, because I have been pretty good about updating my non-laboring status there.)

I'm still pregnant. I am still uncomfortable.
Its my "official" due date today. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing (say it again!) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

How am I feeling?
weird. tired. gassy. crampy. mean. tired. stinky. irritable. did I mention tired? spazzy. out-of-it. should not be driving.

I took a hot bath last night, and while relaxing had some lovely contractions. They continued on every 10 mintues for about an hour after. I finally told Will, and he suggested I call the midwife. My response was that I would wait until 8pm, if they were still happening I would call her. As soon as I told him about it (and allowed him to get a little excited) they fizzled out. I think I had 2 more in the hour before I went to bed. I had a few in the night but only when I had to pee or had just peed.

I did not wake up thinking "Today is the day!" which is how I felt yesterday. I'm holding out hope that I will go into labor like I did with Rhayn, the night of her due date I was in my math class (at college) and could not concentrate. I feel like that now, can't concentrate really. It does have my hopes up, but at the same time... I don't want to get my hopes up at all, because I don't want to be disappointed.

I am worried about how my parents will get here. I want them here. They've been at both the girls' births. But there is also a part of me that wouldn't mind it just being Will and I in a room alone. Then I remember how much Rhayn wants to be there, but Gwennie doesn't, she wants her grandpa to take her for a walk and to be here JUST FOR HER.

Ughh, can you tell I am all over the place today? My brain feels like mush but its running a 100 miles a minute.

I need it to slow down and I need the house to be cleaned.

Sunday near Silence

Nearly 40 weeks along (taken just a few moments ago, yes still pregnant!)

Lily loves the blanket we tied this morning. It isn't for her, but she is trying to claim it.Patch and Pepper. Brothers, 4 week old guinea piglets.

Here we are again. (Take a moment, and read that will ya?)

All right, so I feel almost exactly like I did then, including the headache. I haven't take sudafed this time, its a migraine, I know it is. I am reading into every little thing- how every part of me feels. Every twinge makes me think "could it be"? But nothing so far.

I feel obligated to post on here and let everyone know that NOTHING is happening other than this. I am tired, my head hurts, and I feel miserable because of the headache. Its a doozy complete with queasiness.

I've slept most of the day since noon, and I really shouldn't sleep more. But what else can I do? Lay on the couch and cry about the pain? That will not make it better at all.

Edited to add-
I took 2 tylenol and a hot shower. My headache, though still there, is now tolerable. I can feel it wrapping into my neck but its no longer vice-like. My cousin called to see if I can hang out, I would love to. Really I would. Its been far too long since we were able to. But for one, I fear driving alone right now. I seem to have the "best" contractions while driving. I could hope that being outside, under the "Super Moon" may cause me to go into labor But I know it won't.

Random... random

Its pretty obvious that I am sitting around twiddling my thumbs hoping to go into labor, isn't it? I have posted more this week than I have in a long time.

This morning I had a HUGE meltdown. I went upstairs to use my sewing machine, but couldn't really get to it. So I yelled at the girls to clean up. I tried to use it while they cleaned. Ha. Instead I came downstairs and cried for 45 minutes. I listened to them get mad at each other, I ignored it all and sat outside crying.

When I finally pulled myself together I took twenty minutes and picked up downstairs, vacuumed the carpets and swept the kitchen. It made me feel better, but I still want to be alone to watch really craptacular television shows. Only Rhayn is 10 and very aware and asks a lot of questions while we watch shows. So I can't just immerse myself in the tripe that I want to watch.

Did I mention its getting hot out? We've been in the upper 80s and low 90s the past few days. Its hot, and I/we don't want to turn on the air conditioner just yet. Its pretty nice outside, but it gets warm inside.

Also my head hurts from crying this morning. It hurt before and I knew that losing it like that was only going to make it worse. Its not at all surprising that it hurts. It is surprising that I didn't take a nap today. I needed one. So why didn't I make myself lay down? I have no idea. I just didn't. I guess I could nap now, maybe I will. I just need to put something on the tv that isn't at all interesting.

A New Family Member will be Joining us Sunday (and its NOT the baby)

A friend of ours bought a male guinea pig at the Humane Society. A month later they noticed that Bugsy was getting rather rotund. On March 2nd Bugsy's owner ran up to his mom to tell her that Bugsy had babies! 3 of them! He was really excited about it.

Since Rhayn's birthday was coming up, they asked Will and I if we would be alright with them giving Rhayn a guinea pig for her birthday. We both appreciated that and decided that Rhayn has proven herself responsible enough to take care of one.

At her birthday party they brought a few pictures of Patch and his cage. We just had to figure out where to put him. Then Rhayn and I decided to build a little table to house his cage. We have wood in the garage as well as some table legs that I bought a long while ago to make a sofa table. (I ended up getting different legs for it, because I didn't like the spindle look.)Will helped by cutting the wood down to size. It was a 12 inch by 72 inch piece that we needed cut to 39 inches. The cage itself is 15 by 36.After the wood was measure and cut, I helped them place the metal brackets for the legs. I drilled pilot holes for the screws.Then both girls worked together to screw the brackets and legs on.They checked the table, we filled in some holes with wood filler. Then sanded the surface smooth.
Rhayn picked a dark turquoise color to paint the table.
We gave it two coats. (I really thought I would make it through this pregnancy without painting anything.) Then let it cure overnight.
Now we are just waiting for Patch to be weaned and old enough to come live with us.

Belly Art

This is a picture from 2005. Rhayn drew the baby on the belly (and how she thought her sister was in the belly.)

This baby's belly art is much more advanced. It even includes Lily!

From left to right: a pink flower, Gwennie, Me holding the baby, Rhayn, Daddy and Lily (who looks like a German Shepard I think.) Gwennie added the rainbow. She wanted to help, But Rhayn was being... well she wanted it to look a certain way and Gwennie was "messing it up". Oh well.
Both drawings do include the sun and the ground as well as a flower.

Dog Sitting

Bella as viewed around my 39 week belly.

Our friends were able (lucky them!) to go out of town for Spring break. They have pets and since we live relatively close we are checking on their cats while they are away. And their Pomchi, Bella, is staying with us.

Lily and Bella practicing to be guard dogs. They bark at the people and dogs that go by.

Bella is a high energy dog. I mean she puts Lily to shame with her boundless energy. Will took them for a 2 mile run, sure he had to slow down a little to accommodate short legs, but Bella did it. Back at home, Lily laid down for the rest of the day. Did Bella stop? Um, no. She wanted to play. She ripped up her "bird" and paced until we finally crated her for the night.

A rare moment of calm, Lily worn out from a run, Bella resting for a second amidst the innards of her toy.

Lily acts like she doesn't like Bella. But we all know its not true. She loves having another dog around. Sure Lily gets quite jealous. Bella is smart, she plays fetch and will sit still while Gwennnie brushes her. Lily will push her way into the mix trying to get more attention because her puppy love language is touch and praise. Bella is all about the food! But I know Lily loves that other dog.

Last night I brought Bella's crate upstairs so she couldn't hear our neighbors chihuahua barking all night which causes her to bark all night. This morning at a little before 6am, Lily (who usually sleeps downstairs) was whining at me to get up. I ignored her for a while (maybe 20 minutes) and when I finally did rise, she was laying right next to Bella's crate waiting patiently for me to let her out so that they could play.

And thus began another crazy dog day.

Just trying to keep going...

Every day, as the afternoon wears on, I feel more and more tired. I feel more and more grumpy. I don't want to do anything. The house just gets messier around me. I have laundry that is partially done today and yes we did get a lot done earlier... but...

I know, I should have taken a nap. Maybe that would help, maybe not. I really don't know. No matter what I eat, by this time of day I feel sick to my stomach. Today I had some salsa and I totally regret it (its all I can taste.... gross.)

And I am still pregnant. I am still not having any noticeable or time able contractions. It feels like baby's head is lower in my pelvis, but still nothing else is going on. I want to cry about it. I was so sure that, even though the girls were "right on time", this one would come earlier. And now,\ with only that week to my EDD I feel sure s/he is hanging out until the bitter end.

Yes, yes I know its best to let the baby cook until they are "done". I know its best for the health of the baby. However I am feeling anxious and jittery and uncomfortable and ready. My mood gets worse every day, enough that Will and the girls joke about getting the baby out any way necessary. (We watched an episode of Dirty Jobs last night and they c-sectioned a cow so Will joked about how he could do it, a home cesarean, now that he'd seen it performed on a cow... it was funny, but I think its just how we all feel at the moment.)

I'm trying to not yell at the girls, but I feel it bubbling out. And it is over dumb stuff, too. None of it really matters... but I feel so out of control.

I thought this time would be better, I thought this time I would be able to handle these last rough weeks. With Gwennie I was having a lot of tests because of her breech presentation and then because she had low fluid. This time, I don't know what is going on. I guess its good, but I feel so disconnected from everything.

Also I feel like I am having a panic attack...
and I want to cry.
and I don't want to make dinner.
and I want to go to bed even though its only 4pm.

This all feels so overwhelming.

Naval Gazing

What is that huge bulbous thing?

Oh, its my belly. And funnily enough, its gotten so big that my belly button is almost flat instead of sticking out. Pretty funny I think. I will miss this, but also I am so ready for it to go away so I can feel human again.

Gratitude

I am almost 39 weeks along. 1ish week to go (if this little bugger is anything like her/his sisters s/he'll come out on the 22 or 23rd. Next week! Egad.)

Yesterday Rhayn and I took a Mommy/Daughter afternoon out. I promised to replace her bed sheets for her birthday (the ones that she has been using were bought before she was born.) We went to lunch while we were out which was really nice. Then we went to Ikea, and also the mall to the Lego store. By that time I was totally ready to be home. She didn't fuss at me when I told her it was time to go. Maybe my grimace as I was walking and my waddle made her see that I was uncomfortable.

Saturday we hosted Rhayn's birthday party. She had quite a few classmates over for a Harry Potter themed party, many of the kids came dressed as students from Hogwarts, some simply came as Muggles. They made wands, estimated the number of "Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans" in a jar (these were really just Jelly Bellies.)While Will took the kids just down the street to play Quidditch, my friend P and I ran to the store to pick up pizza and the cake. It was a bit warm so the Quidditch match didn't last long and they all headed back to the house to "find the snitch" which was a puzzle for the kids to figure out.The kids ate pizza and enjoyed a small slice of ice cream cake (birthday cake flavored!) We attempted to make Butterbeer, which I think would be best served HOT, as the butter in it just coagulated on the top of the cold drink. (No, we didn't serve the kids Butterbeer with dry ice in it, this was only for effect!)
After the food came presents. Then parents started to arrive to pick up their kids. We think everyone had fun, but its hard to say. Rhayn will ask them next week if they had a good time. Which brings me to the final thing I am so grateful for this week---

IT IS SPRING BREAK! BABY! No school, no lunches to pack (unless of course we go to the zoo, which is the plan for later on this week.) Now if only the baby would come this week, it would be perfect!

Just a few pictures

Sometimes on our way home from school, we stop into Target with some friends and indulge in a bag of popcorn and icees. Today we did that, and also checked out the toys while we were there.This is a pecan tree sprout. Its the second time we've gotten one to sprout. Hopefully we can keep this one alive.

Its so nice out today (actually its a little bit hot). Gwennie and Rhayn are spending some time in the sandbox, which I spent time cleaning up this morning. They should be inside, cleaning, but they are getting along really well... for the moment.

I feel like a mess today. So this is going to be a post full of complaining. Feel free to skip it and look forward to a much more upbeat post later (I have some sprouting pants to post pictures of!)

There is so much I need to get done, too. We're having Rhayn's party here tomorrow and I feel like the house is a disaster. I've been really busy this week but cleaning is just not happening. I finally have all of the laundry washed. Some is on the line, the rest is clean, in hampers, waiting to be separated and put away.

I made a list this morning of all of the things I want to get done before people come over tomorrow. Am I doing it? How many of those things have I crossed off this morning? None. I did however start crying and went outside to clean up the sandbox a little. That helped get my mind off of whatever was making the tear flow. Though I can still feel that feeling you have when the smallest thing might make you cry. I know its going to happen today, I am going to need a really good cry. I just have to wait for it, no reason to force it, right?

This baby hurts me. I think s/he's settled comfortably into my pelvis and is pushing it apart. Sure that is a good thing, but it aches constantly rather like I have been doing the splits. Every morning when I wake I wonder if today will be birthing day. I am anxious to meet this little one, but at the same time I feel totally unprepared for having him/her. Also, my right ribs are burning. At some point in my life I did something to my ribs that made the right side, at least the bottom 2, push in. It hurts when I am pregnant and for some reason both Gwennie and this one loved to push into that part. Gwennie had her head up there and this one kicks it pretty routinely.

Last night I was having a little snuggle time with Gwennie and as usual she was wrapped around my midsection talking to the baby. She likes to pat his/her bottom and then get kicked in the head. I wish there was a way to freeze that moment to replay later when she is hating her younger sibling for "touching her stuff" or "being in her room" or whatever reason.

On to the subject of sleep, I think part of my "problem" today is that I am exhausted. I know I should be sleeping as much as I can, but that is just it... I can not sleep and it really doesn't feel restful when I DO sleep. My nose is draining constantly into my throat which is so sore when I wake up that it feels like its on fire. This has been going on for over a week and its getting to the point that it hurts all day. I am sucking on Ricola lozenges and drinking a lot of water.

I guess I really should be doing something on my list, its fairly lengthy.

38 weeks and Pretty Hair

I'm 38 weeks, that means 2ish weeks to go. I look bigger in the picture than I feel, which I think is weird. I also just noticed my first stretch mark from this pregnancy (in the picture!)

Today Gwennie and I went to a beauty school and got our hair cut. It was on my list of "must get this done before the baby comes". Gwennie looks adorable. She was so cute. The girl who cut her hair has a 2 year old daughter, so she was good with kids. Gwennie talked non-stop through the haircut. Then she let the girl curl her hair and make it look pretty. Which is something she almost never lets me do! These braided pigtails were the closest to "fixing" her hair that she has let me do in a long time. But she wants to have long hair. She looks cute with them, no? Now I just need to wait until Saturday afternoon or maybe Sunday morning to go into labor, ok? Maybe if we all think that at the same time late Saturday afternoon it'll happen. Because this week would be ideal- Rhayn has spring break so she'll be home all week.

Gratitude

I am grateful for these things:
~nearing the end of this pregnancy. I'll be 38 weeks on Tuesday/Wednesday (totally depends on which wheel you use!) I have been talking to the baby today about how its time to come out. We'll see if that sort of visualization works. Many people swear by it.
~having a really lazy day. Last night Will's flight came in 4 hours late. I was irked by the 10pm flight, lets just say that when it didn't come in until almost 2 am, I was too tired to care. Then I couldn't sleep after we got home and so now I have felt like a zombie all. day. long. But I didn't have anything that HAD to be done today.
~Lily's swelling is all gone. Her ears are back to normal even, and I am so glad because I didn't have it in my to take her to the vet this morning.
~Will being home. I am so glad because I can relax and not worry about going into labor without him home.
~Rhayn. She had a cruddy birthday, but she isn't too upset by it. I know that we could have done so much to make it better, but she understands that its part of being the oldest. I love her so much.
~Gwennie. She is sweet and has played so nicely today so that I could rest. I hope that she doesn't get clingy when babykins comes, but we'll see.


Any guesses on date, time, weight and gender of this baby? Both girls were born the day after their due dates... but who knows with this little love.

Doggie Duh-Rama

Lily's normal face.

Lily is a very healthy dog, she has had a few issues. When we gave up Penny I was sure that we would spend far less time at the vet. I was right.But this weekend Lily got into something or was bitten or stung by something. On Saturday morning she woke me up at 7am (I was trying to sleep in) because her face was swollen. Poor dog. I gave her a few doses of Benadryl and waited it out. Eventually the swelling went down some.

Doesn't she just look miserable? Notice her really puffed up flews? Doesn't she look a bit like a sharpei ?

We went about our day, and even made a trip to my parents' house (Lily came along, to play with her buddy Big Ole Blue and her little friend, Hailey.) Her face seemed to be ok when we got home. So we all went to bed.

3am Sunday morning. I have been listening to Lily run up and down the stairs for a while. She keeps shaking her head because I can hear the tags on her collar jingling. She comes over, and even though she KNOWS better, she puts her paws up on my bed to wake me up. I pet her and come downstairs, thinking she probably just needs to go outside. Alas, this isn't it.

Once we are downstairs, I look at her. I mean really look at her. Her body is covered in bumps. You can see her fur is not smooth like it usually is. Even her whip-like tail has bumps on it. Her face is swollen again, and this time even her ears are puffy. The puffy ears seem to be her biggest problem, causing her to roll on the floor trying to get relief.

Once again, I administered Benadryl, and a lot of loving. I gave her some middle of the night dog food to help her not feel sick from the medicine. At 4am, we finally went back to sleep. At least I did, I'm not sure if she did or not, but she stopped bothering me. I had also removed her collar so I could sleep and not have to listen to her jingling as she shook her head and ran up and down the stairs.

At 7am, I got up and Lily was not in any of her normal spots. I called for her and she came out of either the office or Gwennie's room (maybe even Rhayn's room where the girls were still sleeping). Much of the bumps had gone away, but her poor ears are still bothering her.

More Benadryl, every 4 hours has kept the facial swelling down. It has done nothing for her ears. It seems her right ear is bothering her more than the left.

And it looks like, unless her ears are better in the morning, I will be headed to the vets office after I drop Rhayn off at school tomorrow.

Fun times... remind me why we have a dog again? Anyone? Bueller?