Just trying to keep going...

Every day, as the afternoon wears on, I feel more and more tired. I feel more and more grumpy. I don't want to do anything. The house just gets messier around me. I have laundry that is partially done today and yes we did get a lot done earlier... but...

I know, I should have taken a nap. Maybe that would help, maybe not. I really don't know. No matter what I eat, by this time of day I feel sick to my stomach. Today I had some salsa and I totally regret it (its all I can taste.... gross.)

And I am still pregnant. I am still not having any noticeable or time able contractions. It feels like baby's head is lower in my pelvis, but still nothing else is going on. I want to cry about it. I was so sure that, even though the girls were "right on time", this one would come earlier. And now,\ with only that week to my EDD I feel sure s/he is hanging out until the bitter end.

Yes, yes I know its best to let the baby cook until they are "done". I know its best for the health of the baby. However I am feeling anxious and jittery and uncomfortable and ready. My mood gets worse every day, enough that Will and the girls joke about getting the baby out any way necessary. (We watched an episode of Dirty Jobs last night and they c-sectioned a cow so Will joked about how he could do it, a home cesarean, now that he'd seen it performed on a cow... it was funny, but I think its just how we all feel at the moment.)

I'm trying to not yell at the girls, but I feel it bubbling out. And it is over dumb stuff, too. None of it really matters... but I feel so out of control.

I thought this time would be better, I thought this time I would be able to handle these last rough weeks. With Gwennie I was having a lot of tests because of her breech presentation and then because she had low fluid. This time, I don't know what is going on. I guess its good, but I feel so disconnected from everything.

Also I feel like I am having a panic attack...
and I want to cry.
and I don't want to make dinner.
and I want to go to bed even though its only 4pm.

This all feels so overwhelming.

1 comment:

Mid-life Midwife said...

Oh honey, I can so feel your "doneness"! Thinking of you, with much empathy and sympathy. :)
Gorgeous belly, btw!

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