Almost 41 weeks and 43 inches

I am at a breaking point. After last night and that lack of sleep, I just feel miserable. Tomorrow marks 41 weeks. Not a big deal at all. Really I knew it was possible to go this far. But all weekend I've had contractions that HURT. I don't think they are "braxton hicks" or anything, they really hurt. But never did they get any pattern to them.

I have cried enough today that its just miserable. I have managed to avoid the crying headache that I usually get.

Pam LM has been on the phone and Facebook with me all day, trying to help me at least feel calm. I don't feel calm. Every contraction makes me curl and cry harder because how in the world am I going to do this? She offered to come over and at least check if there has been any progress and to strip my membranes if nothing else.

I feel like a failure though. I totally feel like I've given up on everything I wanted for this birth and how could I do that? I also feel like a failure because I feel like I have let the family down. This baby should have come on his/her own by now. We should have been adjusting to life as a family of 5 instead of them dealing with me, in this zombie state that I have lived in for the past... who knows how long.

This pregnancy has been so much different than how I imagined it and pictured it. I suppose it has been about acceptance. I know in a few weeks when I look back (ok, maybe in a few months) on this time, I will feel differently about it all. Maybe I will see that I learned something from this. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

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