I am not really sure why, but I feel so sad right now.
I didn't sleep well, my back aches, my sides ache, my butt aches. (hemorrhoids! yucky!)
Rhayn woke me up twice last night, because she said "I am scared in my room." The first time I had her go back to bed, the second time we pulled the crib mattress out from under my bed and she slept on the floor. Then after the alarm went off she climbed into bed with us.
I didn't want to wake Will up, I wanted to lay there and snuggle into him. I just wanted to hold him and have him hold me.
Yesterday I had a really awful headache that came suddenly late in the afternoon. I took medication for it, but it only made my heart race. (I took a tylenol and a sudafed.) I think it still hurts a little today, so I am going to go lay down in bed, and have Rhayn watch a movie.
What a great way to spend a day... I feel so sick of being in bed, but I just can't seem to get myself moving at all. I keep thinking "I'll feel better in a few hours, then I'll get up." But I don't.
Really - its not all that bad. I don't spend ALL day in bed... only a few hours.
Poor Rhayn, she needs some attention, and I am not giving her enough, its only going to get worse when baby is born, isn't it?
Today is my "official Due Date" so where's the baby? LOL I know I know, its a tentative date, and only like 3-4% of babies are born on their due dates! Rhayn came the day after hers, so I am being hopeful, just because of Will leaving on Friday. I am so afraid of him leaving! I also was so sure she'd be a September baby- I guess we still have 2 days for that, huh?
I am going to rest... Maybe I will feel better in a hour.
Its now 1300. I am still feeling sad, my nap, although refreshing has NOT given me a new outlook on life. I still want to curl up in a ball and cry. I tried taking a shower, sometimes that really makes me feel better, but with no desire to go anywhere or maybe nowhere to go... its only making me feel "cleaner."
I did have a bit of a cry in the shower. I know that my biggest problem is being alone right now. I want Will home, I want him to be here with me. I am so afraid of him not being here that I think its affecting me in ways I never thought possible.
My fear of him not being able to be there for the baby's birth is making me consider things I would not normally consider. Midwife has said that if we want, we could do AROM (artificial rupture of membranes) but there is a likelihood we'd end up in the hospital with that. Now at this point, I want Will here MORE than I want her born at home. I would love to have both, but I am so afraid of it not happening that its holding me back I think.
Yesterday we tried to induce labor, she stripped my membranes and I took castor oil. I was totally against trying that, and well it didn't work anyway! I hated it, the taste the feeling, the pain. But it didn't even give me any more contractions than I usually get. The midwife did say I was 80% effaced at this point, even though I am still at 2 cm. While stripping my membranes she could get me to a 4. (I still don't quite understand what it does or how it starts labor...) She also told me that she has "done more to me" than she normally does to clients. She understands my fears, probably because she was afraid of her husband not making it to one of her births.
I think we might get dressed and go walk the mall, I think that I need to do something and sititing here is not making me feel better. But if we do go walking, am I going to start crying uncontrollably? Because I really feel like I might. Maybe we should just stay here.