Rambling Instead of Sleeping

I feel like a mess. Its nearly 9 pm and I do not want to go to bed though I am exhausted. I can feel the tears that want to pour down my face burning just behind my eyelids.

Will is gone, dropping him off this time was miserable. Instead of being able to enjoy him the past few days I feel like I have totally ignored him. I feel so disconnected from him, from "us" and I don't like it. I know that part of it is adjusting to having this sweet little baby. He has been so amazingly helpful and awesome. He's picked up all of the things I haven't really been able to do.

I am terrified that Natalie and I are going to go to bed and she is going to fuss like she did last night. I am worried that Lily will be obnoxious at 3am again. I really would love to take a bath and let my muscles relax. She is asleep right now, but will she stay that way through a diaper change, and while I get ready for bed?

Rhayn told me that she wants to feel better so that she can help me. That made me want to cry. Gwennie is having a really hard time sleeping right now. Its been hard for her to adjust from being my baby to being "the middle child". Last night I was sitting there, while Natalie was fussing and I looked over at Gwennie, with her 5 year old face, looking so big. Her face holds none of the baby Gwennie.

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