lack of Gratitude Tuesday

Yesterday I had nothing that I felt grateful for, today is the same. I had been nursing a nasty tension headache on and off all weekend (really its been around since Thursday.) I was feeling really nauseous...again. I wanted to sleep, but for some reason I couldn't.

Will took the girls to a baseball game. They had fun, and I had quiet. Originally I had planned to go along, but after tylenol did nothing to the headache, I gave up. It wasn't worth the pain.

Today my headache seems to be gone. I am trying to remain relaxed and avoid its return. But the back of my head aches just a tad. I have already been to the grocery store, and have my 3rd load of clothes in the washing machine (two loads are on the line drying.)

We are still all adjusting to Will being home. I feel like a loser all day, because I should be cleaning or at least doing something, instead I have been sick and stare at the computer all day. Its lame. Will made some off-hand comment to my parents about how now that he has seen what I do all day he feels like my time has been wasted. My dad replied with "But its worth it to have them stay home with the kids." I think Will may have been joking, because he knows how sick I am (obviously he's seen me, I look awful, and listened to me puke.) But I've been thinking a lot about that comment. I know that I am slacking in what I would normally do.

But what do I "normally" do all day? I clean the house, I do laundry, I make sure Gwennie is fed. I drop Rhayn off at school and pick her up. I go to the grocery store. I make dinner. I let the dogs in and out of the house. I make sure things run smoothly. I clean the counters in the kitchen.

What have I been doing lately? Cleaning the bare minimum to keep the house from stinking. Laundry. Feeding Gwennie, sometimes other times Will does it. I shuttle Rhayn to and from school. I sit in our lazyboy and read blogs, news and stare at Facebook, Babycenter and Diaperswappers for hours, trying to keep from vomiting. I lay on the couch and read.

I feel horrible emotionally. My body hurts in ways I don't remember from doing this before. But I know I felt this way, at least to some extent, because I wrote about it on here but also because of the lack of posts I wrote during the first trimester of my pregnancy with Gwennie. Why does it seem worse this time? Why in the heck did my mind glorify being pregnant? I know that later on, during the 2nd trimester and into the 3rd I will feel awesome. I know (in my head) that this is a short lived part of having a baby. I know (in my head) that I really do not have it so bad and it is getting better, slowly. I also know that if my symptoms just suddenly dropped away I would worry about miscarriage. I know that soon I will feel the baby wiggling around inside of me, and for a time, it will only be for me, no one else will be able to feel that. But then the hormonal, emotional, mess side comes out, and I feel miserable. I want to sleep away the next few weeks (or month) because both times before I have felt like a normal person by 16 weeks. I can hope that I don't puke anymore but then again, the nausea gets so bad that puking is a relief, and allows me to eat.

However... until I feel better, I may go back to being a hermit. I'll only leave my house to shuttle Rhayn to school and home. At least until I feel up to doing more. Or maybe until my emotions return to something more pleasant.

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