I feel the panicky feeling I get sometimes, it hits me slowly at first. But after a short time it smacks me with shortness of breath and and overwhelming feeling that life is out of control.
This post is random and all over the place. Here is a picture, before you read all of this crap.
This last year has been such a struggle for me. I have felt let down and disappointed over and over. Natalie's birth was nothing like I wanted it to be and I am still processing it. Of course I love her, and really wouldn't trade her for the boy I thought she was. And she is different than I thought she'd be. I wanted a lump-like baby, but she is busy. She gets all over the place by rolling and she's barely 5 months. She has grown out of her baby clothes quickly and I have donated them as fast as she has done that, because hanging on to them makes me sad. (Though I have a box of my favorite outfits to be given to family.) She wants to eat food, and I didn't want to give her any. I have been putting a little bit of food on her tray and she touches it, and puts it in her mouth. Last night she destroyed a piece of lettuce with just her gums.
The summer zipped by in a flurry of hot, hot days. I had plans for it, but none of them came to fruition.
Gwennie starting kindergarten was great for her. And as I stand on the playground with her in the morning, watching her plan and sweating like crazy, I know I don't want to move her partway through the school year.
And we still don't exactly know what is going on. Will is there, living his geo-bachelor life, coming home on the weekends (when he doesn't have drill in CA). Eventually we will go visit him there some weekends, too. But not yet.
Rhayn is here, and I feel like I am neglecting her, missing out on her. And most of the time she is a great person to talk to. But I take out my frustrations on her, and I feel like a terrible person. No, I am a terrible mom for doing that.
There are moments when our house feels like it is closing in on me. These do not happen often. Thankfully.