It hit me last night, around 8:30, as Natty drifted off to sleep. A panicky feeling filled me and I wasn't fully able to breath. I was terrified that I was going to die in the night, my kids would be momless, my husband would have to deal with a nursing baby whose mother was gone. The kitchen would never be finished. Rhaynnon would take on the "mom" role because it is in her personality. And there was nothing I could do about it. I was going to die in my sleep.
So I couldn't sleep. I ended up watching far too much Star Trek TNG and getting up every little while to check on my kids to see if maybe it wasn't ME but possibly them that would die.
It overwhelmed me, this feeling of imminent demise. I tried to breath slowly, and deeply, trying everything in my arsenal to calm myself. I dozed a little, but would pop awake filled with a fear I couldn't describe fully.
Eventually I fell asleep, but it was nearly 2am and this has left me exhausted today. That feeling of doom is gone, thankfully. In its place is pure exhaustion.
I asked some friends about this feeling and it was suggested that it may be my body dealing with all of the stress I have been under lately. Moving was/is difficult. I still haven't had time to make friends, though I am going to the library at story time to at least be out and around others. We are redoing our kitchen and honestly our house is a mess that I cannot even begin to tackle until the kitchen is finished. Laundry seems to pile up more quickly here. I have to wash dishes by hand (or Rhayn does) every night because we have no dishwasher until the kitchen is done.
We still haven't fallen into a good routine. There are far too many things to get done each day.
And I really miss my friends in Phoenix. I haven't cried about it. Not really. I need to, but I can't seem to let it out. That long hard cry would be good for me, but I am afraid if I start- it won't end.
So I continue on. I do like it here, I love to look out our windows and see the birds, the javelina, and the bobcat that Rhayn and I saw yesterday.And eventually I will feel better. I have to believe that, it has to be true.