I curled into myself in the closet, hands over my eyes breathing deeply, trying for the moment to catch a breath and calm myself so that I will stop shaking. Nothing is really wrong, but I feel anxious and shaky and totally freaked out.
Rewind just about 30 minutes and we were all sitting at the table eating lunch. Natalie was covered in orange pulp and green bean casserole as well as grass from being outside. She needed a bath, but she also hadn't had a good nap. (Recipe for disaster?) I took her in the shower with me and she was fine, so I thought "I'll wash my hair since I'd been outside working in the garden". Everything seemed alright until we started to get out, and I was wet, she was wet, and I started feeling panic rising in me.
I dried her off, and put her clothes on. Then dried myself, and listened to her cry and fuss, while I brushed my hair and got dressed.
Downstairs in our comfy chair, I tried to nurse her. Nope, she would latch for a second and pop off to see what was going around. I couldn't calm down and everywhere I looked the room looked messy. I paused the movie the girls were watching and told them to do a quick pick up before we watched the movie. I got up and started picking up, but I had to set Natalie down for a second. She screamed like she was hurt. I walked out, saying loudly to Will "You have to take her! You have to take her!"
And then walked quickly upstairs to my closet, to breath deeply and attempt to calm down.
Out of control feelings like that have been coming to me more and more lately. Our house is in a constant state of disarray. Not that that in itself should be the cause of my anxiety, but it is causing it in me right now. I feel like I have no control. I feel like I need to scream into a pillow and maybe cry.
Of course, Christmas is coming fast and that doesn't help at. all.