We're nearly three months into our life with 3 girls. I love Yaya, and am amazed by her, but there is a part of me that is sad that she is a she.
I always wanted a son. When I thought of my future children, back when I was a child myself, I pictured boys. I thought I would watch my boys play sports, and I would have a house filled with tonka trucks and legos. Instead I am surrounded by glitter, fairies and horses. There is way too much pink in my life.
Sometimes when I see little boys I feel a deep sense of longing and sadness. I feel like I am missing out on something. And I can't believe I was wrong about Yaya. Will kept telling me that she was a girl. I closely guarded that I was SURE she was a boy. There was a month that I was sure she was a she, but most of the time, I was so positive she was a boy. I was excited and terrified about the birth, because we would finally find out, and when Will said "Do you have HER?" I felt that sense of sadness creep in.
I should have known when we couldn't come up with a boys name. I should have known that there was a girl in there. I had allowed myself to imagine my little boy far too often and now its like "he" is missing. And I am afraid that I will always feel that empty part of me, the part where my "son" should have been.
Don't get me wrong, please, I love my daughters more than my own life. I would do anything for them. I do not want them to feel badly because they are girls. I look at them, each such an amazing little person, and I am thankful for them.
"He" will always be missing.
Thankfully my girls (and husband) fill my house with legos and action figures, soccer and other sports. And glitter, of course.