Let me be...

I feel like I am losing my mind. I want to yell at the kids. I want them to leave me alone and not bother me, not even to tell me "I love you". But it is Sunday and Will has Army duty so I am stuck here with them. Maybe I'll be able to get a little bit of me time in a while.

I know exactly what is wrong with me. Three little evil letters. P.M.S. Why do women have to deal with this? I know not all women become raging  beasts once a month and some months are better than others, but this one? It feels bad. I know part of it is the impending summer. I hate summer, I used to deal with seasonal depression in May. But I am looking at the 3 girls home, with me, all summer. And Will being away at a school for all of June. And my friends all so far away in the Valley of the Sun(burn). And. And. And. I am trying to figure out something to do with them that will keep us from the summer I am envisioning in my head.

The pool here is expensive. I know the girls want to go swimming, but I do not want take them because it is a wave pool and Natalie is terrified of the waves. Plus I need to keep an eye on Gwen, while keeping an eye/hand of Natalie AND the indoor pool isn't warm enough for me. I want it to be at least 105 for swimming.

There is summer school, for Gwen and I am trying to find out if Rhayn can go as well. That would take care of part of the summer.

I need the house clean, I need to put on a bra. Perhaps a shower would make me feel less like I am going to freak out.

Cycles with pain

Some days it is a struggle to get out of bed. Its a struggle to function, to be a parent. Its a struggle to deal with strange little things like the way my period if behaving, totally abnormally, with day 4 of this weird spotting and the third day of cramps that feel different from cramps I've had before. I know I am not pregnant, and if I was I would be losing the baby. It feels sort of like that but there is more heaviness to it.

The 4 days of spotting concern me, but what can I do about it? Its a Saturday, the pain is tolerable as long as I do a number of things- keep my bladder empty, sit hunched up, and move around every once in a while.

I am on cycle day 31 now, my period should be here in full force. Its not. The PMS stage seems to be lingering and causing me to be a total... well you know. The depression I felt earlier in the week is still there, too. Which is causing me so much grief. I really want to find a hole to crawl into for the rest of the weekend (or until I feel better.) Instead I have to be mom. I have to clean up dog vomit, and pretend that nothing is wrong. When everything is, everything feels like its crashing down on me all at once.

Can I cry now?

ARGH, I am sooo unhappy. I assume my period is on its way, for one thing I took a pregnancy test and it was negative, another thing I am a raging ball of hormonal mess. I feel angry and I really just want to be left alone. Ha, like that is going to happen. I feel hot, like I'm having hot flashes. I also have the residual leftovers of a cold mixed with pollen and dust allergies. I feel just miserable.

If only my period would start so that I could feel normal again, because this feeling? It sucks.

On to the next one... (Cycles= TMI, Steve)

Yes, this means that after like 5 days of spotting my period finally started.

Happy Valentine's Day, Leaner, you get to bleed! Whoot.

Cycle 1

What is going on with my "lady parts" seriously? On Tuesday I started spotting, just a little bit and it was brown, then Wednesday it was reddish. Thursday I was sure that moon time was approaching, I felt some cramping and was definitely not a nice person. But nothing more than spotting all day. (I had put in my diva cup, thinking aunt flo was on her way.)

This morning, nothing... nothing. What the heck. Usually I get two days of spotting, then maybe a day off or not, before my period comes in full force in the morning. So it should be here. I want it to come. I want this month's cycle to be over. I have been in a funk all week, as Will can attest to, and I KNOW that as soon as I fully start the flow, I will feel 100% better.

Argh.
(And yes, I have taken pregnancy tests, multiple cheapie ones, that were all negative. With Gwennie I had a positive about now and I am almost positive that I am not pregnant.)

I have a headache, its day two of this lovely headache. I can also tell that my period is coming. I was such a beast yesterday morning, I broke a hole in the wall near our bathroom. (The door didn't have one of those stoppers, so when I pushed it open forcefully it went right into the wall. Whoops.) Since then I have been medicated enough to be calm, and also yelling hurts my head. No, its not the worst migraine I have ever had. In fact, its a fairly mild one. But still, it lingers and that bugs me.

Rhayn had a 4 day weekend last weekend because of the dentist. This weekend its because of Martin Luther King Jr. Day on Monday. I enjoyed having her home. I have spent a lot of time lately wishing she was homeschooled so that I wouldn't have to get up and drive so much. Alternatively, of course, I wish the school closest to us was worth going to. Neither of these is the case, and I don't know if I would be a good homeschooling mom (nor do I think Will would be down with that idea.)

Then the girls fight (as they are at this very moment) and I remember why I am glad when Rhayn leaves for the day to learn. They get along most of the time, but not always. They especially do not get along in the afternoon of a busy day like today.

Going to go live in a yurt all alone this next week.

I am about a week away from menstruation and as usual its making me cranky but also? I am taking offense at the little things. I am trying to stand back, to just ignore the angry thoughts to not respond to things. It is really hard to do right now.

Deep breaths, calming thoughts, HA! drinking, none of that helps. What I really need to is to be alone. I want to read, and ignore everything around me. I want to make and eat rich things filled with butter and cream.

Lets hope this month's cycle doesn't come in with a really bad migraine. Last month it did and I felt awful all day. I also have to admit that I am scared that somehow, even though we were really careful, we got pregnant this month.

Now who wants to watch my kids whilst I live in a yurt alone for the next week? Any takers? Please?

How Lovely to be a Woman...

The wait is well worth while. (Video from Bye Bye Birdie with Ann-Margret)

Ha ha. What a lie. How crappy to be a woman. Its a miserable thing most of the time.

My monthly came early this month, two days in fact. It came in full force with a migraine, cramps and a bright red "HELLO!" while at Target (and away from my friendly Diva Cup.) I just went and logged my period start date on MyMonthlyCycles, and noticed that Will and I need to be extra careful this month, unless I want another end of September baby (um, that means you, too daCheese! *wink wink). I know that lots of people have children with birth dates close but I don't like that idea. My parents managed to "get it on" all throughout the year and none of us even share a birth month! (Although my husband and one of my brothers share a birth date.) I liked not sharing even a birth month.

Now I am going to sit on the couch for a litle while before I need to have us out the door for Rhayn's winter concert.

Gratitude Day 20

I am thankful for ibuprofen and my diva cup. Otherwise moon time would be too much.

Routine

As a family we are trying to get a rhythm down. Well, I suppose you could call it a routine, not a schedule though. Schedules require time frames and set times for doing things. I just want or need to know that on Monday I will clean the bathrooms, on Tuesday the laundry. After we pick up Rhayn from school we will have a snack and then do some chores.

Because how we are currently living? It. Is. Not. Working.

I have had more panic attack/anxiety freak outs this past week or two than I have ever had before. It doesn't help that my period was all crazy these past few weeks. I spotted for 4 days last week, a full ten days before starting my period. Then yesterday she showed up FULL force instead of the way she usually starts, all slow and easy the first day and painful and heavy the second. No. Not normal at all. And I know, I have been tracking my cycles using MyMonthlyCycles for 40 months. I used it before I got pregnant with Gwennie, too. So honestly I have been using that website for five years, as long as I have had this blog.
Oh, look, if I continue on as I have been, I will get my next period right before my birthday next month. Yay.

Um, where was I going with this?

Oh right, routines.

So I have been trying to figure out how to make our days go smoothly. Do any of you have an afternoon/school routine? If so how did you come to it? Does it make your day go more easily?

I will write more about it later, but for now I am going to lay on the couch for a half an hour with a heating pad. Sigh.

oh moon time,
you come
with cramps
and ruin my day.
you swoop into
the house
with a vengeance.
what will i do
when
you visit
the girls, too?

Messes and Menses

Being a girl sucks. Its moon time at my house. Yes, it arrived merely hours before my husband is due to arrive home. She brought along her lovely friends- Anxious, Crampy, Mean, and Snappy. At least she left Migraine at home this time. She also brought along a bad case of the lazies. Which is not good, because I was putting off cleaning out the car until today, and it is so filthy that I don't want Will to see it (A mostly empty bag of Trader Joe's Everything Pretzel Slims was spilled in the front seat about a week ago. I love those things, just about the only think Trader Joe's is good for in my opinion.)

I think I shall watch some television, and think about how much I should be doing while dinner is heating up the kitchen...errr... um... I mean, heating up IN the kitchen.

I need...

help. Mental, physical, something.

I have been crying over everything. If Will was home, I would swear I was pregnant. Seriously. I watch telly and my eyes fill with tears. I read a book and... you guessed it... I start crying. Yesterday my mom took the girls and I to see The Chronicles of Narnia; Prince Caspian and you know what? I bawled. It was such a good movie. I mean, so lovely, so heart wrenching. Just thinking about it makes my eyes tear again. Then today? Yeah, my stupid self put the movie P.S. I Love You on my netflix cue. What was I thinking watching that? I do not think I stopped weeping from start to finish. And you think its just because I was watching/reading sappy stories filled with love lost? Well that was part of it. But why would I cry at Friends when Chandler's mom come to visit and makes out with Ross? Huh? Tell me what part of that was worthy of a few tissues?

I think that the strain of this is getting to me. The realization that in one week, Will shall be home, but that only means we will be that much closer to the long, hard road. I am not celebrating that he will be home soon, I am only worrying about him leaving again. I think I did this before. But I want to celebrate his home coming. I want to be jubilant that for a while, at least, he will be home to hold and love, and snog.

I guess I will just try to revel in the little things... like that I finally purchased Twilight at the book store. I was so sick of hearing about it's greatness. I wanted to read for myself. I attempted to put in on hold at the library, but I was like 46th in the cue. I finally just laid down the money for it. And now I am ready to read and enjoy. Because there is nothing that I love more than a right good book.

Bubbling Up

It bubbles up, starting slowly. Frustration. Anger. Madness. I feel like the house is out of control. Nothing is where it should be. Nothing is what is should be. I lose track of things. I lose track of thoughts. I stew, and seethe. I am in my head, angry. I am in my head, holding in the yelling.

It is that time again, my body has ovulated, my hormones are changing. I want to scream. I want to be alone. I want to be surrounded by people. I want to be out. I want to be home on the couch. I want sanity. I do not want this feeling- this helpless, overwhelmed feeling.

And I remember that I didn't take the vitamins today. And that must be why I feel so out of control, and on a whirlwind ride of emotions.

Panic Rising

I am about to start my period. Yeah? Yes it is good. I mean there is not a snowflake's chance in purgatory that I am pregnant. But my period comes with so much baggage- you know- premenstrual syndrome. I get moody, I get downright mean. I have a hard time dealing with the girls. I want to be alone, and at the same time I want to be surrounded by people. I can not think ahead, and do not want to think back. I cry. I sob. I get angry at nothing. I take deep breaths to deal with it. I take rescue remedy when I feel the panic starting. I want to crawl out of my skin. I feel like I am crawling out of my skin.
Tomorrow this will probably all end. The blood will come, and I will feel relief from the paranoia in my head. But for now? I have conflicting emotions every other second. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to sleep. I feel the panic rising, into my throat, into my eyes. There isn't an escape. I want to run down the street and wander away from my house, my responsibilities, my kids, the dogs. I want an out. But there isn't one... and I know if I just go to sleep- that would be the best idea. The best plan.

There is so much going on in my head. I have no idea how to get it all out. I want to just vomit up the words and feelings and thoughts. I don't want them inside of me anymore. I wish I could purge myself of all that is inside, the pain, the longing, the fears, the doubts, the regrets. If only they were like a bad meal, and would be expelled involuntarily by my body.

Instead they churn inside. Rumbling about, making me feel, think, see things I don't want to feel think or see. Things that are bad. Thoughts that fill me with a fear that shakes me to my very core.
I long to just feel a little, to see the light at the end of my tunnel. Instead I see only a bleak, blackness. I need to find a torch, something that will assist me in my dark journey. Some way to see, even if it is only the next step, the next leap. If not I shall tumble and fall, alone and no one will ever know.

I suppose this counts as a New Years Resolution, and I am pretty much opposed to them however in this case, I am making an exception.

I am not happy. My life is not exactly how I pictured it. But it is not a bad life its pretty darn good in fact. I have no reason to feel this way. It is all a matter of perception. I need to see a doctor about it. I feel like I need to talk to a doctor about some issues I have, like a lowered libido and severe PMS (bordering or maybe reaching into PMDD) Will and I were discussing options and I mentioned Yaz the birth control pill as an option. My PMS gets bad enough that Will has been close to leaving me on more than one occasion. I don't blame him. I also know that it makes me a bad mother during that time of the month, and also it doesn't happen every month. Some months are better and I have a handle on my emotions (for the most part.) Most of the time little stressors throw all of my coping methods out of the window. Then I become a b-word to the extreme.

This is genetic. My mom suffers as well. I don't know if hers feels like mine, if she feels like the world is totally out of control and even out to get her during that time. She takes a B-complex as a coping method. It helps her. It does often help me, but at the same time, there has to be something else. I and my family should not have to suffer through this every month.

I vow to see a doctor about it. I need to tell her how it affects me, and my life. How often Will and I fight during that "time of the month." Most of all I need it for me. I need a solution that will help me be the person I am during the week or two between episodes. No one should have to see their mom like that. I know from experience. (Mom, I love you but you were hard to live with during PMS, too.)

I found this really good article by Dr. Chistiane Northup called Birth Control Pills and Sex Drive, besides information about birth control pills, it has plenty of other great information every woman should know. Please read it.

If any of you have experience with PMS, PMDD, or have a coping method that works, please tell me. I need help. For my husband, my kids, and most of all, me.

Oh No

All morning there were strange smells coming from Gwennie, as she filled diaper after diaper with poo the consistency of new baby poo. She didn't seem upset by it, and played happily.

By mid afternoon, I noticed that my stomach is feeling queasy. Yoga class was miserable. I can only imagine that this means I have some stomach thing.

As Rhayn was getting ready for bed, she mentions that her tummy hurts, too.

Joy. Bliss. What fun.

Let us just hope that the note that was sent home today from school (that there was a case of strep throat) was not in Rhayn's class, but I think that maybe her tummy ache might be from that. Her glands are swollen, her throat looks filled with pustules. I might keep her some tomorrow, just because, and maybe take her to the doctor, too.

As for me, I am about to go lay down, and turn on crapola television. I haven't watched any today yet. I hope my period starts soon, because I feel moody and yucky, and Will isn't talking to me because of the b-word I have been to him. My breasts hurt, and I have a plugged duct because Gwennie has cut down to only a few nursings a day. Sigh. Sometimes I hate being a girl.

I neglected to turn on my VCR timer, so only have the last 15 minutes of ANTM to watch.

Which way looks better?

I know these pictures suck and I look VERY UNHAPPY in them (can anyone say PMS, and the prospect of taking a two year old to a wedding without my spouse? Oh, and yet another thing at Rhayn's school without Will? Yeah... and did I mention PMS that I am starting to wonder if it might be PMDD, because I am NOT pregnant, and I feel like a bigger emotional wreck right this moment than I have in quite a while. )
But I have a dilemma.

Tucked...

Or Untucked?
***I bought this shirt at Kohl's look at the other pretty, pretty colors! Oh, I love the gray, I didn't see that. But that might have been too much for a wedding... and I know she was doing a fall colors scheme. What you can't see in the picture is the really neat sleeves, they have lacey panels that tie (you can see the strings) and it is just a lovely detail. Also the shirt stretches and hugs and shines oh so nicely.

I think I prefer tucked, because it makes me feel like I am SO tall, and SO slim, and SO leggy. Plus, SO hot. But I love the option of untucked.

I hate this time of the month. I am so frustrated by everyone and everything. I want to be alone, but then I don't want to be alone. Its PMS time, whoopity doo dah, and at least I know it, and I know that I am being unreasonable. Maybe that makes it worse, because I can FEEL myself being stupid. I just can not stop the silly behavior.

Will is being nice, and I just want him to stop touching me. I told him what is going on, and he continues to push my buttons. So obnoxious. So irritating. So not his fault, and not his issue. Why do women have to deal with this? Is there something in my diet that I could change that would make PMS go away? Would something like the pill (mini pill) help?

Ugh, just a few more days, or maybe it will be all over tomorrow... I can hope right?