Photo Challenge: Haiku Fun

Gear in muted shades.
camouflage, keeps you safer
Until you come home.

Rain, fast, furious
Turbulent, these summer storms.
Monsoon time again.

I have a few other Haikus see here and here.

Completed Quest

Completed Quest, originally uploaded by desertratmomma.

Like a lover, she comes to me.
Her eyes pleading with mine,
As I look deeply into her soul
I see reflections of my own.

Like a lover, she clings to me.
Hands grabbing, and pulling
Her needs echoed in actions
As she climbs into my lap

Like a lover, she holds me
Her hands gently stroking,
My arms hold securely
And our needs are met.

MSO: Listen

I came upstairs to read the last bit of Harry Potter. It just is not happening. Our roommate is a guitar player, he is actually really good at it, and he practices. A. Lot. So at the moment I am listening to him, instead of reading.

I would rather be reading.

I have another post about the theme listen in my head, but for now, I need to go downstairs and away from the guitar, because I can not think clearly while he rocks out.

Its like being at a concert, and trying to really listen to someone next to you. Your head sort of throbs because of the volume, and your eyes vibrate in their sockets. It is not pleasant and you wonder why you came to this show. This reminds me why I do not go to concerts anymore. That and I am lame, and not the cool punk rocker I once was. My hair is a boring brown (but there is a spot of blue in it, that is supposed to be purple.) My clothes are "mom" clothes. I am dull, but I love my life, and my kids, and I am not sure I ever really liked watching bands play anyway.

MSO Creative Challenge #1

Leaner, originally uploaded by desertratmomma.


Mama Says Om has posted a "Weekly Challenge" and I love the idea. Take a lot of pictures of yourself and make a collage of them. They said late afternoon light is best, but early morning, through my bedroom window, light I think is just perfect. No need or desire to really mess with the color in these pictures. Its just me, in the morning.

Sticky Sticker

Sticker, originally uploaded by desertratmomma.

Gwen is about 11 months in this picture.

For other mamas' takes on STICKY, visit Mama Says Om.

MSO: Decision

This weeks theme at Mama Says Om is a relevant one for me. As you know, we have two kids, two girls. I want another baby, I want a son. So lately my "ovaries have been screaming" as I like to put it, my "uterus feels empty" if I weren't still nursing my 22 month old, I may also add that my "breasts are lonely," the latter is so not true, since I have a toddler who nurses most days like a newborn.

This is not a decision I can make alone of course. It is not something I can do by myself either. There are so many factors in it, too.
(In NO PARTICULAR ORDER!)

a.) Gwen is still such a baby most of the time, how will she handle it? Will she do well, and realize she is the big sister or will she totally revert to babyhood?

b.) Am I ready? Do I want to have them this close? How will that work on my sanity? Would it be better for them?

c.) Can we afford a child at this time? Can we afford a homebirth? Would we have to have baby at the hospital because of the cost? And since we have military insurance, will I end up with a cesarean section just because it is military insurance?

d.) Will is leaving for 6 months next year, do I want to be pregnant and possibly give birth without him? No, I want him there through the entire time, I want him to help me, especially since we have two kiddos already.

e.) My sister wants to be pregnant soon, I want to wait until she has her next to have another, ideally I would like to somehow worm my way into the birthing room with her (I have only been present at births that I have physically been involved in) I can't do that if I have a new baby. It was fun being pregnant with her, but I would like them to be staggered more.

f.) I am nearly 30, not old, but I would like to be done with the diapers and nursing phase. I would like to have my body back, and be a separate entity from my babies. I would like to enjoy a sex life again. I want to not worry about getting pregnant, and want Will to get a vasectomy.

g.) Until our kids are in school, I can not fully devote myself to school and becoming a nurse. I can keep taking a class every semester (Fall 07 I am taking Yoga through the college, as well as the Medical Terminology class I am taking.) But if I want to be a nurse, that is a rigorous program, I can't do it half-arsed. I have to take the course as they have it, unless I want to do it online and there are some classes that I know I can not do online and actually learn something. Will wants me to look into colleges around us with nursing programs. I don't want to start one and then have to drop out because of a baby. I will not put the baby in second place, "he" will come first, because family ALWAYS does.

h.) I want Will to be totally on board with this idea, when we planned for Gwennie it was so fun, even though it only took one month. It was exciting to think that we might be getting pregnant, and since he wanted it to, it was like a bonding experience, not like the three others (two miscarriages and Rhayn.)


I think the biggest part of this all is that I am getting the urge, that psychological urge to have another. I know in my heart that we have one more soul that belongs in our family. It is not a matter of if it is a matter of when "he" will join us. It is a big choice that we have to make, and I know that timing is never "perfect," there is never enough money and there are always fears, I guess we will have to wait and see what happens!

~*~*~*~*~*~ For other mamas' takes on this weeks theme "decision," visit Mama Says Om, and while you are at it, why don't you post a decision that you need to make. Or a photo of your kid making a decision, or a poem about it. It is my challenge for all of you this week. ~*~*~*~*~*~

MSO: Magical

nothing can stop her
as she dances joyfully
magic fills the air

MSO: Responsibility

When I became pregnant with my first child at 22, I didn’t give up much during the pregnancy. I did think quite a bit about how it would be. She would breastfeed of course, we would NEVER co-sleep. She would not eat sugary things. We would figure out a way for her to spend time with her daddy, even though he and I weren’t on speaking terms at the time.

As time neared for her birth, and I grew more nervous, I still didn’t give up anything. I had stopped smoking before I got pregnant, because of a previous miscarriage. I had stopped drinking coffee because the smell of it made me feel like I would puke. I was trying to be on talking terms with her daddy, but he was so busy and talking to me was scary for him, because he was so fearful that I would use anything he said against him in a custody battle.

The whole “responsibility” thing didn’t hit me at all.

Her birth was uneventful, as far as routine hospital births go. Epidural, AROM, episiotomy. As I pushed her into the world, I was struck by the phenomenal power of that moment. I was transformed as she was placed in my arms.

When she was taken away to be “checked out” in the nursery, I rested. I pulled myself together. I waited.

For FOUR long hours I waited for them to bring my precious baby back. I started to panic, and think of worst case scenarios in my head. Was this what parenthood is? (Later I would find out that yes it is, and you just have to learn to silence that voice sometimes.)

I sent my mom to find out where Rhayn was. And I sat in the bed, and waited more.

When she walked in the room, I could tell by the look on her face, it was bad. (More worst case scenarios ran through my mind at light speed.) Then she told me what was wrong and it was like a slap in the face.

She told me that Rhayn has turned blue and stopped breathing. SLAP!

They had discovered a cleft in her soft palate. SLAP!

The doctor was running more tests on her to make sure that was all there was. SLAP!

My perfect little baby had something that would require surgery. My perfect little baby would probably not be able to breastfeed. My perfect little baby would need more care, and it all hit me so hard that I felt overwhelmed and like I would be unable to handle it.

Then the nurse brought Rhayn into the room. Once again I had my little babe in my arms. Once again I could see that face that so closely resembled her father. Once again, I felt that surge of “I am Mother, I can do anything.”

And I knew at the moment that all the responsibility that was being thrust at me, would be hard, but I would handle it, and this little darling would be safe, because I would keep her safe.

As that first year went on, I was constantly reminded of the things that I swore I would never do. I was put in the care of this tiny being, and she needed more care than I had expected. I also realized her first night home that she would have to co-sleep with me, because how else could I really monitor her breathing in case she became unable to breath and turned blue? Besides, how could I put my fresh new life in a cold bed across the room from me?

Rhayn is now 6, and perfect. Her palate was repaired at 6 months, she was not able to breastfeed, and that was a sore spot with me for a long time. Her birth wasn’t traumatic, but the afterward was. It was one of the reasons that I chose a homebirth with my second. I wanted to keep my baby close, I wanted more support, and I wanted to be free to do as I pleased during the labor. Gwen is nearly 2, she is an extended nursing babe. She has been healing to me, but even more of a reminder of the responsibility of motherhood, of parenthood.

Mama Says Om; Gift

This moment is a gift. I sit here listening to my oldest playing happily in the other room. My baby is asleep on the bed behind me, and my charge Carry, is taking a nap, too. A moment, to stop and says a few oms, to fill my lungs with air, deeply breathing, relaxing, before the next argument.

Ah, such a simple gift, and so welcome, so needed.

Other Mamas offer their gifts at Mama Says Om.

MSO: Haiku Mama

Our hearts on the out,
Exposed, love flowing freely.
Such is Motherhood.

For More Mamas' Haiku visit www.mamasaysom.com

MSO: Sex

Nothing exudes sex quite like a beautiful flower in full bloom. We were out in the woods near Tonto Creek this weekend, and found this beauty growing wild. I am sure at some point someone lovingly planted them. Now they just grow, wild and free.

For other mamas' take on this weeks Theme- check out Mama Says Om.

Static Clown

Static Clown, originally uploaded by desertratmomma.

For other Mama's takes on Static check Mama Says Om.

Mama Says Om: Shoes

His shoes will lead the way.
And even when he is tired,
he will carry you, happily.
Because he is your Grandpa.
And he loves you.

MSO- Acceptance

As a child I was not very accepting. I spent a lot of time, looking down my nose at others. I was better than them, you know. Not saying I did nothing else, for really most of the time my nose was in a book. But when I chose to look out at the world, I saw heathens everywhere. They were smoking on the corner. That one, she was wearing an immodest dress! Oh my!

As I slowly came into my own, as a teenager, I became that person. The one I had looked down upon. My childhood self, would have shunned my teenage self. I did all of those awful things, I drank, smoked, ENJOYED coffee.

My teenage self gave way to an even bigger outcast to the ideal I had as a child. I was so punk rock. I was so…filthy. I had thought by twenty I would be a totally different person than I was.

My early twenty self, though, was extremely tolerant, and accepting. She did not look at others as being anything other than people. She saw friends in everyone, and was quite willing to talk to them. She was not shy like her younger self had been. And better than all of that, she was happy.

My self now, my nearly thirty self, is not as tolerant. She is not as happy and free either. I do look at others in terms of how they are dressed and how they act. But it’s not the same. I have come to realize that I need LIKE-MINDED individuals around me. I need to surround myself and my family, with people who will bring us joy, happiness, and acceptance instead of fear, anger, and disillusionment.

Accepting everyone for who they are is important to me, but that does not mean that I should encircle myself with those who do not empower me. This is the one way that I think my youngest self could be proud of me. She would not surround herself with those who brought her down, she had standards for her friends, and so do I.


For more Mamas talking about Acceptance check out Mama Says Om.



*Not sure why the early "me" pictures all have blond hair, I really was not blond that often. The last picture is Will and I near Weaver's Needle in the Superstition Mountains. Gwennie is fast asleep on my back.

Mama Says Om: uberlist

My ABC uberlist for 2007

Accept things I can not change
Bake bread
Create a space I want to spend time
Don’t yell as much
Eat foods that make me feel better
Forgive and forget
Grow a garden
Help out at Rhayn’s school more
Instill a better fashion sense in my girls (and myself!)
Joke more
Knit (or at least finish my one knitting project)
Love unconditionally
Make time for LEANER, alone
Never stop learning, and taking classes
Open my heart to friends who are probably already there
Please my husband more
Quit worrying about perfection, strive for Happiness instead
Respect other people’s ideas more
Stick my neck out to make friends
Turn off the TV more
Understand my girls needs and wants more
Vocabulary (that is- to increase it, and use the words I know)
Write
eXpress my feelings more
Yell even less (I know its on here twice, but its REALLY important!)
Zealous, Zesty, zingy zippy, words I should learn to live by.

Mama Says Om: uberlist

MSO- Family

Only with family can you really be yourself, and eat naked.

Only with family, can you kn0w that they will love you, no matter what your outfit looks like. (And sometimes that will make them love you even more, because your fashion sense is just like your moms!)

Mama Says Om- Family

MSO Tuesdays- Traditions

Christmas is a time of traditions. As a child, one of my favorite traditions was decorating the tree (which happened the day after Thanksgiving.) My mom would put it up, with help from the kids. We each put our own special ornaments on it, then my dad came in and put the star on the top. Here is a picture of my parents tree (with the star of my youth on top.)

Another of my most special favorite traditions was the reading and acting out of the bible Christmas story. My dad always read it, and we acted it out (usually having prepared for weeks- and usually a pet was involved. One year my brother Ender was the Shepard and he carried our fat fluffy cat King Solomon around.) When I was 21 I had moved to Colorado. I was depressed about missing that special treat, so my mom had made a video for me, it was one of the best gifts I have ever received.

is a size 6 now. Will always gets a new pair of sleepy pants, too. Now as a parent myself, it is up to Will and I to make the traditions. As a child, we always opened one gift on Christmas eve, so now my girls get to open one gift, only its always a fresh, new set of pajamas. This picture is last year, this year they won't exactly match, because Rhayn is a size 6 now. Will usually gets anew set of "sleepy pants" too, Rhayn picked these ones out. Sweet!

FOr more Traditions, check out Mama Says Om.

Mama Says Om; Smooth

I am not really good at drinking milk. I know I need the calcium, but milk, normal store milk tastes like nothing. Will complains, because he is a milk fiend. He guzzles gallons of milk a week. It would almost make sense for us to buy a cow.

Now if you give me a huge glass of some expensive organic milk (preferably Horizon) I can drink that up. Is that worth spending $5 or more on a gallon? I think it just might be. That kind of milk tastes like milk did when I was a kid. Fresh, creamy, delicious.

Then there is yogurt. I like that, but its never been something I really wanted. Until I discovered the "Cream Top" Brown Cow brand. Oh. My. Goodness! I could eat that up every day! (I am in fact slurping a raspberry flavored one right now.But the Cherry Vanilla is the best, or even just plain vanilla. It makes me says "Mmmmm- Yogurt" like Homer Simpson does about donuts.) Unfortunately it is not sold at my local grocery store. I have to drive out of my way- to Whole Foods, where the yogurt selection is amazing, to pick it up. They have goat's milk yogurt and get this! Water buffalo yogurt (I plan on buying some of those to try sometime!)

Is it the fat content in these dairy products that makes them taste better? I do not know. They are just so smooth, so creamy.

I don't care about organic, I mean I would like to, but we can't afford it. To me, its all about taste, and some organic stuff- dairy products in particular taste a lot better. Most fruits also have a better taste when organic.

I have another take on SMOOTH, and will post it later, its just that this fit the Mama Says Om Theme, also!

Mama Says Om; Inside

Happy Birthday TO ME!
Happy Birthday TO ME!

Can you tell it is my birthday? Huh? Huh? Yup- its MY birthday, and I want to celebrate.

I don’t care about age, but that may change in the next few years, since I am 29 today. (My mom informed me that this is my last birthday, she is not old enough to have a 30 year old daughter, being 29 herself.)

This week on Mama Says Om, the theme is Inside.

In Arizona this time of year is spent outside. NORMALLY the weather has cooled off and its lovely to be out. We are however having record high temperatures this week, that means 89, 88, 86. It is too hot for November, too hot for my birthday, and to hot to get into baking for Thanksgiving. I plan to make some pumpkin empanadas so Will can have pumpkin pie even if he doesn’t get a slice.)

Usually we don’t want to be inside this time of year. But I am sitting in my house, its still fairly nice out, but I just noticed that my AIR CONDITIONER is running!

Inside,
We spent the summer waiting, watching,
Through dusty days with wind whipping
Painful hot breath.

We spent our days wishing, waiting
For the moment, hoping the cooling
Would come earlier.

We spent time, inside, all summer, unable
To go outside to play.

And now, the weather is nice,
The wind blows softly across bare arms,
And we explore a world almost forgotten.

Mama Says Om; Outside

The perfect time of year. The weather cools to tolerable temperatures. The sweaters and hats come out expectantly, and can even be used in the morning. All of the people, who hid inside all summer, waiting, are emerging. The parks are filled with laughing children, who are not turning bright red with in moments of swinging.

These past few weeks have brought a lot of great things. Rhayn FINALLY figured out how to swing All. On. Her. Own. The excitement is phenomenal. Gwennie has finally decided that swings are ok, and will tolerate them for a short swing. My emotions have come full circle, and I am totally happy again. I am embracing the beauty around me, enjoying the cool mornings, when I get to bundle myself in sweaters and coats. Our outing the other day was so great that it has really invigorated me.

In just a week and 2 days my birthday will be here. 29, yeah only one year to 30, and I am ok with that. I had a great childhood, early 20s were awesome, and I think I am totally ready to embrace this part of my life.

The best part about this time of year, is being outside, and enjoying the smells and sights of the season. It is going to be a great holiday season.

For more Mama takes on outside- visit Mama Says Om.