This is not a decision I can make alone of course. It is not something I can do by myself either. There are so many factors in it, too.
(In NO PARTICULAR ORDER!)
a.) Gwen is still such a baby most of the time, how will she handle it? Will she do well, and realize she is the big sister or will she totally revert to babyhood?
b.) Am I ready? Do I want to have them this close? How will that work on my sanity? Would it be better for them?
c.) Can we afford a child at this time? Can we afford a homebirth? Would we have to have baby at the hospital because of the cost? And since we have military insurance, will I end up with a cesarean section just because it is military insurance?
d.) Will is leaving for 6 months next year, do I want to be pregnant and possibly give birth without him? No, I want him there through the entire time, I want him to help me, especially since we have two kiddos already.
e.) My sister wants to be pregnant soon, I want to wait until she has her next to have another, ideally I would like to somehow worm my way into the birthing room with her (I have only been present at births that I have physically been involved in) I can't do that if I have a new baby. It was fun being pregnant with her, but I would like them to be staggered more.
f.) I am nearly 30, not old, but I would like to be done with the diapers and nursing phase. I would like to have my body back, and be a separate entity from my babies. I would like to enjoy a sex life again. I want to not worry about getting pregnant, and want Will to get a vasectomy.
g.) Until our kids are in school, I can not fully devote myself to school and becoming a nurse. I can keep taking a class every semester (Fall 07 I am taking Yoga through the college, as well as the Medical Terminology class I am taking.) But if I want to be a nurse, that is a rigorous program, I can't do it half-arsed. I have to take the course as they have it, unless I want to do it online and there are some classes that I know I can not do online and actually learn something. Will wants me to look into colleges around us with nursing programs. I don't want to start one and then have to drop out because of a baby. I will not put the baby in second place, "he" will come first, because family ALWAYS does.
h.) I want Will to be totally on board with this idea, when we planned for Gwennie it was so fun, even though it only took one month. It was exciting to think that we might be getting pregnant, and since he wanted it to, it was like a bonding experience, not like the three others (two miscarriages and Rhayn.)
I think the biggest part of this all is that I am getting the urge, that psychological urge to have another. I know in my heart that we have one more soul that belongs in our family. It is not a matter of if it is a matter of when "he" will join us. It is a big choice that we have to make, and I know that timing is never "perfect," there is never enough money and there are always fears, I guess we will have to wait and see what happens!
~*~*~*~*~*~ For other mamas' takes on this weeks theme "decision," visit Mama Says Om, and while you are at it, why don't you post a decision that you need to make. Or a photo of your kid making a decision, or a poem about it. It is my challenge for all of you this week. ~*~*~*~*~*~