Happy Halloween all.

Its a lovely day in Arizona, the sort of day people move to this state for. We are looking at a high of about 80, there is a breeze in the air, and its just perfect. I had a hard time getting going this morning, and honestly have no desire to do much of anything. We all need a day off right? I haven't had one in a while, and this evening we are headed to our friends' house for a potluck and then trick-or-treating in their 'hood. We have our windows open, oh its bliss. I could lay on the couch and stare outside all day. I'm not, but I did attempt to take a nap, and I took a bath this morning. (I woke up really sore and achy, the bath helped.)

My garden sprouted this morning. There are a few little green heads popping out of the soil. You have to look really carefully to see them. Its exciting because we planted the seeds randomly and have no idea which ones are coming up, I believe it is the radishes, but who knows.

I suppose I really don't have much else to say, enjoy your Halloween and eat lots of candy.

Halloween Festivities at School

At Rhayn's school for Halloween, they carve pumpkins, then everyone puts on their costume and they walk around the school so that everyone may see. As per usual, I stayed to help, even though my voice is sort of missing. Yesterday I could hardly talk at all, today is better but I still sound like I smoked a pack of cigarettes then screamed all night at a concert.

But back to the pumpkin carving. Gwennie brought her pumpkin to carve, she did a big whopping nothing to help, but I ended up putting the guts out and everything. It looks like she is helping in this picture, but really that is all she did, pull the top out, and didn't want to get her rainbow sleeves dirty.


Rhayn has a very loose tooth, and was too busy trying to wiggle it to smile for me. This is the best of a bunch of awful pictures of her holding her pumpkin. This was the first year she carved it almost 100% by herself. I had to help just a little in getting the top off because it was quite a thick pumpkin.


For the "parade" Rhayn dressed up like a vampire cat, however for Halloween she will be Hermione Granger.


Gwennie was a tiger kitty "Rawr!" and had to have rainbow stripes to walk in the parade with the big kids.

Nearly Wordless Wednesday

On this day, three years ago
a family was reunited.
Love that had been lost,
reformed
and became
what they should have been.
Besides my own,
of all the weddings I have
attended,
this one,
my brother and his true love,
meant the most to me.

Thank you, Jodi for marrying my brother.

Instead of doing anything productive...

I am going to write a blog post about what we did this weekend! Whoo hoo.

Saturday we went to the Desert Botanical Garden's fall festivities. It was lovely. A little warm, and I had yet another headache, but nevertheless beautiful.

To get to the pumpkin patch you had to take the hay ride. So while the girls and I played the games, Will stood in line. It worked out perfectly as the girls and I only had to be in line for about ten minutes, and they were able to see everything there was to see.

Gwennie throwing a pumpkin, in pumpkin bowling.

Will standing in line.

The kids each got to pick a pumpkin. Rhayn saw a man with an odd looking pumpkin and declared she wanted on "just like that!" My only rule was that she needed to be able to carry the pumpkin herself (at least part way.) Gwennie chose a very small pumpkin so no worries there.

Rhayn's pumpkin.

There was a small petting zoo with the sweetest little pony. Gwennie loved him, but she also enjoyed catching and holding the chickens.

Gwennie and the pony.

Next up was pumpkin decorating. Once again Will stood in line while the girls and I decorated pumpkins. It worked beautifully again.

Drawing a face on the pumpkin.

Sunday evening I was on the computer when Rhayn ran in the house yelling "Penny's face is swollen and huge!" I got up checked her out. Immediately I sent the girls up to get Will in his office (installing Windows 7 on his computer, as he had spent the day before installing it on our family computer.) He came down and I told him that I shoved some benadryl down her throat and that it looked like she had been biting bees.



As my mom knows, dogs like to bite bees. I don't know why, they just do. Lily does it all the time and has on occasion been stung, but its never been more than a little bump and some discomfort for her. Penny, on the other hand, had a pretty severe reaction. Her breathing was fine, but Will crushed up some benadryl for her (as well as the one I gave her) and within an hour her face was almost back to normal.


While Penny was waiting for her face to de, Lily never really left her side. She was a perfect nursemaid. But it might have been that Penny got a special treat and Lily was waiting for hers!

Routine

As a family we are trying to get a rhythm down. Well, I suppose you could call it a routine, not a schedule though. Schedules require time frames and set times for doing things. I just want or need to know that on Monday I will clean the bathrooms, on Tuesday the laundry. After we pick up Rhayn from school we will have a snack and then do some chores.

Because how we are currently living? It. Is. Not. Working.

I have had more panic attack/anxiety freak outs this past week or two than I have ever had before. It doesn't help that my period was all crazy these past few weeks. I spotted for 4 days last week, a full ten days before starting my period. Then yesterday she showed up FULL force instead of the way she usually starts, all slow and easy the first day and painful and heavy the second. No. Not normal at all. And I know, I have been tracking my cycles using MyMonthlyCycles for 40 months. I used it before I got pregnant with Gwennie, too. So honestly I have been using that website for five years, as long as I have had this blog.
Oh, look, if I continue on as I have been, I will get my next period right before my birthday next month. Yay.

Um, where was I going with this?

Oh right, routines.

So I have been trying to figure out how to make our days go smoothly. Do any of you have an afternoon/school routine? If so how did you come to it? Does it make your day go more easily?

I will write more about it later, but for now I am going to lay on the couch for a half an hour with a heating pad. Sigh.

Wordless Wednesday

And the winner is...

First I wrote all of the names on a red paper and cut it into 6 pieces. Yup, high tech here.

Then the papers were put into my favorite hat that the girls never wear. Seriously its too cute, a brown wool fedora with pink inside.


Gwennie reached in and pulled out a piece of paper.


The paper was opened and read and...


Amie wins! (I have your address so I'll get your prize in the mail this week.)

Hair Obsessions

Once again, my hair is at the forefront of my obsessions. I want to cut it all off. If I do I will wish it were long. I usually wear it in a pony tail, or pigtails (as it is currently.) I learned how to french braid it last week, and with enough hairspray it lasted all day. But really? How am I happiest? This longish mop of hair on my head is beautiful if I fix it, but how often do I do that? Yes, the answer is rarely. Do I want it short? Yes, but if it is shorter won't it be a pain to deal with daily. (You know, when I can't just brush it back into a pony tail?)

Sigh... I am trying not to cut it all off, thinking it may be a direct result of my depression that is making me think of shaving it all off. I won't cut it myself... but maybe I should hide the clippers and scissors anyway?

And here are more pictures of cuteness. These were both taken in 2005, on this date. Awwwww...

I finally have an appointment with another counselor. Although I loved the guy I was seeing while Will was gone, he was really just respite care. I need serious help. I feel like there is nothing right with me. At the moment I am so depressed all I want to do is sleep, instead I have a list of things I need to do today and am trying to complete some of it. I already have a couple of items crossed off. Is that making me feel better? Um, no, that is why I am writing on here.

Everywhere I look in the house is a mess. I had a panic attack about it all on Wednesday, complete with inability to take deep enough breaths and a feeling of utter doom. It lasted for hours, too. Came and went all day. But I can't seem to get on top of it.

I need a moment to myself, for what I don't know. Lets hope that talking to someone will help me better deal with these feelings, because it seems they come more and more often. And with greater severity each time.

Lets see if I can pull my head out of my butt long enough to talk about the cuteness that was Gwennie on the piano. She doesn't pound on it, and instead of listening to crappy music while on hold with the dental insurance company, I had her lovely background music. And Rhayn was singing so nicely in the car on the way to school that I turned the radio off and listened to her.

Trying to see good things when you feel like a zombie is hard. But it helps.

Wordless Wednesday

Dreaming of Curly Red Hair

Last night I had a dream that I was having a baby, like in the process of pushing the baby out. As the baby was born, the first thing I noticed was that the babe had curly red hair. Where did that come from? Then I noticed that the babe had blue eyes. Um, no this baby is supposed to have brown eyes! Bright blue, but not like the color babies eyes normally are. Then I noticed it was a girl. But I thought it was a boy. And I looked at this baby, and basically told everyone around me that it wasn't mine, please put it back where it came from while I have the "real" baby. I handed this beautiful baby to someone else and refused to look at her anymore.

This was the point where I woke up. Weird. I felt awful, like a terrible mom, but I had fallen asleep feeling like a terrible mom (which is a story for another day.)

It seems like everyone around me is having babies right now. (Um, Dacheese, not you, I know.) I have to admit to a sort of jealousy towards the pregnant and newly mamas. I know I have written about it before, a desire for another child. But I am also happy with the point we are at with our girls. I know that if I fell pregnant it would not be the end of the world, but it would require a lot of rethinking, replanning, and changing our life. And of course, I am not the only person involved in the decision. In fact, I think he knows how I feel about it, putting the ball fully in his court.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, weighing pros and cons and making lists. But when it comes right down to it, either way, I think I will be happy. With another child, yes. Without, maybe not right now, but I would eventually get over it, because we have two beautiful girls, and be happy.

Its yet another depth to the reasons I was totally unhappy with my marriage before Will left. His comments are a reason, although he isn't on board with the idea, I feel better about that desire. Its normal, and I doubt it will ever go away completely. Even if we had another child. But then, I think, I would feel like it was OUR choice, made together.

Whoops

I forgot to put a time limit on the giveaway. You have until next Monday to enter the drawing. :) Thanks for reading.

Happy Blogiversary to ME!

Today marks five years of me whining to the internet.

I want to do something to celebrate, a giveaway that I mentioned earlier.

I will take the comments and put them into a hat and have my girls draw one out. Winner gets a $20 gift card to.... most likely Target. If you don't shop at Target (and that would be very strange to me... as I love that store!) then you can tell me your favorite store and I will try to get a gift card for there. One of my readers asked me to do a video, well sorry, that is just not happening. I hate my voice and I feel like an idiot when on camera. Maybe I will get my husband to make one? He is really hot and speaks well. Besides he has made many videos in his time- including this one. (Enjoy!)



For an entry you have to answer the following questions... if you don't blog, then tell me why you don't. Why did you start blogging? What keeps you going? Do you find yourself out of topics? What things are off limits to you (as a blogger) what stays off of your blog?



Q. Why did you start blogging?
A. I started blogging at the suggestion of my cousin.

Q. What keeps you going?
A. I can't stop writing, I love to do it. Sure, I could be putting my creative juices into the story/novel I am trying to write, but I have always journaled and now I have an (albeit small) audience. I love the comments.

Q. Do you find yourself out of topics?
A. Sometimes, but I have kids and pets. These things give me plenty to write about. Even if some of it is mundane.

Q. What topics are off limits to you as a blogger?
A. Politics. I will not tell you all who I voted for, I will not get into political discussions. At least I will try not to, sometimes, occasionally something pops out that I just have to throw my 2 cents into. Its rare though.

And now? In celebration of my Bloggiversary! I am taking the girls to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Ta ta!

Half Way to an All Girl Beatles Cover Band

Rhayn loves Gwennie's short hair. As soon as she came home from her playdate on Friday she was asking if I could cut her hair to look like Gwennie. There was a time in my life that I considered going to beauty school, and cutting hair for a living. I still think that I would have been pretty good at it, had I chosen then path. I didn't have time on Saturday to cut Rhayn's hair, but this morning, after breakfast, I got out the camera and took a few before pictures.

We headed into the bathroom with a stool and scissors and in just a half hour she came out looking like this.

(A bonus to this hair style/length, she won't have hair in her face and she can't get food in her hair. Sweet.)

Lest you all think I am crazy for letting her hair be that short, remember she wanted it that way. And yes, I agree, she looks like a blonde Beatle.

The picture below if just for cuteness sake. Here is a short haired Rhayn at 3 and 3/4 years old. Awwww... She really hasn't changed that much, has she?

Shave and a HAIR CUT!?

A quick reminder of the cuteness that was Gwennie just yesterday.

I am watching one of Gwennie's little friends today. I was baking some bread and making chicken stock this morning. The two girls had gone upstairs to play and were being really quiet. I checked on them multiple times, but didn't stay upstairs with them. (I was also cleaning the kitchen and the 4 cups of steaming hot chicken stock I spilled all over the counter and on the floor, well the dogs cleaned the floor for me.)

At 12:15 we left to go pick up Rhayn from school, as its a half day. We were in the garage, and Gwennie was tryig to open the garage by pushing the button. This was the moment I noticed it. Someone had cut her hair.

The left side (above) only has a tiny piece chopped off. But the right side? Butchered.


Looks like a flippin' mullet. So nice. Its not the first time her hair has been trimmed (by her or Rhayn). Luckily for us, we had her four year old pictures taken yesterday. There is no way to save her length. She wanted to grow it out, but now? Well we shall be cutting it quite short. Maybe this, the third, time she will learn not to cut her hair or to let others cut it. The other girlie said she did it, and Gwennie said she let her. Fun times. It doesn't look like they cut the other girlie's hair. Thankfully. I'm sorry M, I wasn't watching them very closely and well, Gwennie chopped your daughter's beautiful hair off.

(By the way, they are sitting nicely at the table playing with salt dough I made for them while I write this post. I am keeping a better eye on them from now on.)


Update- as girlie #2 is taking a nap. I trimmed her hair, as best I could.


It could be more even. I will most likely go back to it later. But for now? Its cute, in an "I'm a boy in a pink dress" sort of way. Actually, I love it. Believe me, at one point she wanted a high and tight, "just like my Daddy", while he was gone. I talked her out of that. She totally could have pulled it off I think. She is just that cute.

Bloggiversary Time

As of Monday I will have been spreading bloggy love for a full five years. That seems insane to me. But then again, Gwennie just turned four and I was blogging before she was conceived.

Does anyone had a suggestion on a way to celebrate the momentous occasion? Should I do a giveaway? If so, what should I give away? What is something that you could use? I meant to get to this sooner, but sinus pressure and life have kept me busy.

Wordless Wednesday

mish mash

I have a headache. It just won't go away, and I am sure it is from the cold, some remnant of infection, still lingering in my head. It hurts, and is only lessened by mad amounts of ibuprofen and sudafed. (Would it possibly be better with real sudafed and not the stuff they sell now?) My head is stuffed up again, and I have thick, green mucous. Yummers. There is nothing like having to spit out of the car window because you are driving and coughing up nasties.

Yesterday was cook-a-thon day. Whew, we got a lot done. It was sad, because one of our number has moved to another state. She called while we cooked and it was nice to talk to her. We have a new friend cooking with us. It was fun to meet someone new. I love the comraderie of the cook-a-thon. You really get to know people, and feel a part of community when you are working with other people that way.

After school, Rhayn and one of the other kids in her class (his mom does cook-a-thon, too) were able to walk a few blocks to another classmate's house to ask if he could play in the park. Then while the kids were out in the park, another family from the school showed up (they live on that same block. Their youngest is one of Gwennie's friends.) It made me feel very sad for my kids, not living in the same neighborhood they go to school in. Many of these families moved to that neighborhood because of the proximity to the school. It was nice to let Rhayn walk around, without feeling like I needed to be on her, because she was with a large group of friends.

When we were kids we were able to do that, all of the time. We were sent out into the world, loose, free, until the street lights came on. (I actually don't remember what our rules were. Mom?) I remember walking to the swimming pool unsupervised in the summer, nearly every day. I wish Rhayn had that. I think its mostly because we don't have friends in the neighborhood, and she doesn't have a sibling close in age to buddy with (I have G'Rat, who is only fourteen months younger than I.)

Ahem... I totally lost my train of thought, serious medication is making me feel funky. I know I had a plan for this post, something that I wanted to talk about... well and I am sure there is a more eloquent way to say what I want to say... alas, I am totally done. My brain is mush and I think its time to rest for a bit while the clothes dry on the line, its taking longer today due to (FINALLY!) cooler weather.

Finding Common Ground and Balance

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately but not enough doing. I signed up and paid for a writing workshop. Thus far I have missed one of the three sessions. (Sick kids/sick me. More on this later.)

I am trying to be proactive, to actually make myself do something, to make myself happy. You see, it turns out that my husband doesn't think I am happy. He thinks I am unhappy in our marriage. This is not the case.

I will admit that before he left last year, I was unhappy. I knew that things had to change or we would end up divorced. Neither of us were getting along, and we had lost sight of anything resembling cohesion. We felt that we had nothing in common. I was lost in "woe is me" land, and he was lost in WOW. These things, as well as lack of communication and gearing up for dealing with separation, just pushed us further apart. I was clearly not happy with how we dealt with his deployment.

However while he was gone, I was given time to think. I had plenty of time to find myself and my strengths. Sure, I had bad days, and break downs. It occurred to me that I wanted this family, this marriage, to work more than anything.

When he came home, there were changes. Positive changes in him as well as in me. I was able to tell him things that I needed to say while he was gone (by email.) He was able to process them. Since he has been home, I have attempted to keep up with that. I have been trying to tell him how I feel, and what I need. I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, because honestly I have no reason to. I am trying to let him know what bothers me, instead of seething about it. And he? He has quit playing WOW. His priorities have shifted away from his computer, and games, and towards our family. This is welcome. He still needs to have time to himself, decompression time after work, but it no longer comes first, we do. He has been so much more helpful around the house. He has been cleaning out his office. (This is HUGE, he was a collector of old computer stuff, or maybe, he just couldn't seem to part with it because of the money it once cost.) He has changed in so many good ways. I wish that I could really portray this here. I am so excited about our future now, instead of dreading where we are headed I can see light and fun and joy.

Last night we had a great conversation. Instead of being upset and trying to work through some issues while we were mad, we spoke about feelings when we were both calm. We were able to (with a few child interruptions) discuss our feelings and what we want. This was when he told me that he thought/thinks I am not happy. I have never been the one who jumps up and down with joy when he comes home. Sadly, he is not the first male in my life to tell me that this was a problem. Long ago, I had a boyfriend who lived in a different town. When he came to visit, I would open the door to let him in before sitting back down on the couch. I didn't even hug or kiss him. What was wrong with me? I am not nearly that bad now. If I am in the kitchen when he comes home (which is most days as I am making dinner) I try to hug him. Usually he is bombarded by small people and furbabies who want his attention. I have just resigned myself to getting the affection last. Maybe I should run up to him, and jump into his arms? Maybe I should at least make sure I say "Hello" when he walks in the door (although I thought I was good at that.) I am willing to make changes to my behavior for me but also because I want this to work, and I want him to know how much he means to me. I am so glad that he is home, I feel so lucky to have him in my life.

When his priorities shifted away from internet usage, he realized that what he had was an addiction, and he pointed out that, I too suffer from the same thing. I know this, but while he was gone, it was my link to the outside world. I am ready to step back from this.

Dear internet, I will miss our long hours together, but I will be slowly weaning myself from you. I need to do things for myself. Yes, I will still post on this blog. It is something I need. But also? I am attempting to write a story, and I need to put my creative energy into that. Today I made myself spend an hour writing on that before I allowed myself to even check blogs, and I made myself wait until after lunch to write this post.

It is important for me, to get away from staring at this monitor for endless hours. My family (and my house) needs me here in the real world.