Sometimes I wonder about me. I wonder who I am. What do I want and where do I want to be. Who do I want to be? I watch others, jealous from the sidelines as they enjoy life, dancing without abandon, like whirling butterflies caught in the breeze. Yet I sit at the edge and wonder why am I not out there?
My feet just don’t move like they used to, my arms aren’t always free to wave about as I give myself over to the beat. I used to feel the music all the way from my feet to the tips of my short spikey hair.
I wonder if I am the opposite of Samson. Is my long hair my downfall? When it was short was I really the more outgoing person I felt like? Did I really do strange things like ask people out on dates? Did I walk up to strangers and have conversations? Or is that some weird memory that didn’t really happen? Is my long hair weighing me down?
Did I lose touch with me somewhere along the way as I have traveled the well beaten path of mothers. Did I lose the “cool” way and take the more often traveled soccer mom way? If so was I asleep at that turn of the road? Nothing wrong with that path or road, I just thought it wasn’t for me. I want to be the “cool mom” the one that has daughters who want to dress like her and the kids’ friends don’t mind being seen with her. I am definitely not that mom anymore. I am dull.
I wonder if I have ruined myself, made myself into an old fuddy duddy. I stopped dressing in a way that made me stand out, I stopped putting those pretty colors in my hair, no more purple for me, just a boring old nutmeg brown color dyed in months ago to get rid of any summer highlights. My clothes are even more boring that high school. I have no personal style.
Both pictures are from pre kids...