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Me


Me,

Sometimes I wonder about me. I wonder who I am. What do I want and where do I want to be. Who do I want to be? I watch others, jealous from the sidelines as they enjoy life, dancing without abandon, like whirling butterflies caught in the breeze. Yet I sit at the edge and wonder why am I not out there?

My feet just don’t move like they used to, my arms aren’t always free to wave about as I give myself over to the beat. I used to feel the music all the way from my feet to the tips of my short spikey hair.

I wonder if I am the opposite of Samson. Is my long hair my downfall? When it was short was I really the more outgoing person I felt like? Did I really do strange things like ask people out on dates? Did I walk up to strangers and have conversations? Or is that some weird memory that didn’t really happen? Is my long hair weighing me down?

Did I lose touch with me somewhere along the way as I have traveled the well beaten path of mothers. Did I lose the “cool” way and take the more often traveled soccer mom way? If so was I asleep at that turn of the road? Nothing wrong with that path or road, I just thought it wasn’t for me. I want to be the “cool mom” the one that has daughters who want to dress like her and the kids’ friends don’t mind being seen with her. I am definitely not that mom anymore. I am dull.

I wonder if I have ruined myself, made myself into an old fuddy duddy. I stopped dressing in a way that made me stand out, I stopped putting those pretty colors in my hair, no more purple for me, just a boring old nutmeg brown color dyed in months ago to get rid of any summer highlights. My clothes are even more boring that high school. I have no personal style.

Both pictures are from pre kids...

6 comments:

TLC said...

I say cut it off - not because it's weighing you down but because you can! You are one of the few people who can pull off short hair and still look beautiful - model like ;0) You have the "twiggy" like bod to go w/ it! I think you are surrounded by too many cookie cutter people and a move might just be what you need! I feel I got my groove on moving to MI after having a stale stint in clothing choices after getting married and having 2 kids. I hope I don't go fuddy duddy having my fourth! Not that I dress to stand out either - I know I don't dress too way out there. gotta go - clint needs to finish writing his paper!

tif-do said...

Wow I didn't remember you with that short of hair. You look great either way, but that short hair rocks.
On a further note, I think I am the cookie cutter that you talk about, how unfortunate.

leaner said...

tif-do, its ok if you are one of those women, because I still like them! I just never thought it would be me (and I fear that it is!)
And thanks for saying my old hair rocks.

Alex's Human said...

When I first opened your blog I was all excited that you'd cut your hair back off, and was sad to discover they were old pics.. Your hair looks awesome short! I've always thought so.. And you're still a good way away from becoming one of those soccer moms. So no worries..

Mid-life Midwife said...

i lamented the same thing in a post back in january. i always felt more confident when my hair was super short. i do feel a bit like a sheep with the longer hair and 2 kids.
tammy's right, the short hair really suits you. you look very much like wynonna rider. :)
think about cutting it again. it always grows back. (but i definitely have a thing for v. short hair~ love it~ and i know i'll go back again some day!)

abeNanna said...

Didn't your fortune say to dye it purple??? You do have your own style, even if you think you are dressing like everyone else. Right now you are busy with the two little ones and you will soon be able to focus on letting your personality shine more through your clothes and hair. Last I looked you don't dress like everyone else, and most of the time you are wrapped in yards of material so most people don't see what you are wearing. Funny how short hair makes me think old woman and long hair makes you think fuddy duddy. Guess I know where that puts me....

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